Muslim boyfriend giving up
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 5 months. I am Christian and his family are from Lebanon and are Muslim. He and his siblings were born and raised in the states, with the expection of his oldest brother. We met about a year ago and got pretty close for awhile. I made the decision that it would be too hard for me to take on a relationship that entitles so many differences at that point in my life and we stopped talking. About 6 months ago we picked things back up and started getting serious. We have had countless conversations about our family differences. I have introduced him to my family and they all love him and accept and support everything he is, as long as we are happy, which we most definitely are. We decided that we would take on his family someday in the future when our relationship was strong enough to handle such a large step in seriousness.
We have always been on the same page when it comes to making our lives come together. When it comes to what holidays we would celebrate and how we would raise our family in a split cultural marriage. He has always said to me that his mom, because he dad is no longer around, would be skeptical at first, but would come around once she sees how happy we are together and how well we compromise and how much I respect him and his families beliefs. I have respected his religion from day one, and actually find it extremely intriguing and would consider converting someday if applicable. I have fasted with him during Ramadan to show him that I want to learn about his culture and that I'm open to compromise. I learned a lot about his religion during the month of Ramadan and it has made me even more interested in his religion. I just don't wanna jump the gun and make this relationship too serious too quick, when he is not even ready to tell his family about me yet, I don't want to put to much stress on our early and still developing relationship. So I have let our relationship develop at its own pace, while still keeping it light enough but knowing we are still on the same page. But it's something we have talked about numberous times and we clearly wouldn't have gotten to this point if we didn't see eye to eye about these particular situations. But, he has not allowed me to be a part of that part of his life. He is so closed off to his religion and almost doesn't want me to know anything, it feels like. He has told me that if I were to open up to his religion and educate myself and learn about it and think about converting it would be for him. Which isn't true. It'd be for us and for me because I would never just do something for somebody without considering my own happiness too.
He has just told me yesterday that he doesn't love me anymore and wants to be with someone of his own culture. I am in disbelief because I was the one in the first place that had the skeptism and he wiped that clear with all his reassurance and effort and comfort and compromise. This is just so completely left feild I have no Idea what to believe. I think he is pushing me away because he is so terrified of making his mother disappointed and not have her support in his love life. Which I understand, but we have always said we would stick together so matter what and that we would take it on together day by day. I can understand his concerns, but it's like he's not even allowing me to have a chance. He's told me he doesn't want to have me be so unhappy, which I'm completely not and isn't true in any way whatsoever.
I don't know what step to take next, or if there even is a step to take. He has always been so understanding and comprimable and he is like a completely different person and won't even listen or rationalize at all. I am lost, if there is any advice it would be appreciated.
kaylaportal
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Dear kaylaportal,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through the pain of heartbreak.
You write: "He doesn't love me anymore and wants to be with someone of his own culture."
While it may be difficult to accept, you really don't want to be with someone who is telling you that they don't love you and want to be of someone of their own culture either. If you do, you probably won't over time.
It sounds to me like he may have come to a sudden realization about his wants and needs for the present and future, and that he can't see himself moving forward in this relationship, for reasons it may be hard to see. You can always pray for more clarity.
You may be "lost" for a short while or some time, but you will come out of this thicket and into the sunshine with a better sense of what you want in life as well.
May Allah bless you with everything your heart desires.
Hugs,
Nor
Dear Kayla,
It seems like this boy is in the same place where you were once, he is confused and since he doesn't have a fat her he may not want to hurt his mother in the process of finding his own happiness. Give him some time the way he gave you when you needed it. If he is the one for you them he will surely come around. If he isn't meant for you then it's because God has someone else in store for you. If this person is meant for you, he will surely come back to you. Have faith in God because he has only planned what's best for you. Trust God because what He has in mind can only be for you to be happy. Have patience and Have faith.
Yours,
Fatima
(editor of http://www.beingmuslimahblog.com)
Nor: It sounds to me like he may have come to a sudden realization about his wants and needs for the present and future, and that he can't see himself moving forward in this relationship, for reasons it may be hard to see. You can always pray for more clarity.
I have a feeling he knew what he wanted from the beginning. This happens to lot of women. He has just told her yesterday that he doesn't love her anymore and wants to be with someone of his own culture. In some cases if the woman is from the same culture that excuse can be "he is being forced to marry a cousin".
Hi Kayla,
I feel your pain as I am in the same position also except we had been together a year and am now pregnant. Let me tell you something, you have gotten a lucky escape. As hard as it may be, I believe it is best to end this and move on. My boyfriend would say the same things promising me he didn't care about my faith as he loved me for me, that he wanted me in his future and saw me as the mother of his child. He said he is the one to choose his wife, not his mother and if she couldn't accept that he was happy then it was her problem and it would be sad. He had even said this to my mother who worried and questioned how difficult it would be for me as she knew his family wont accept me.
Well guess what , I am now the mother of his child and although he was supportive for 3 months he has also all of a sudden told me that he now wants a Muslim wife and wants nothing to do with my child or me and now is asking for a abortion. He said he is not willing to lose his mum.
These guys live with the fairies and don't really understand what it is they are promising or getting them selves into, and although I'm sure he cared for you deeply, it was all in the moment. These guys like him are fickle and are raised in a manner to live only for their parents approval (not Allah as most are as he wouldn't of have started a relationship with you). Although we all would love our parents approval no matter what culture, with them it is buried deeper and more stubbornly with fear. I was willing to leave my family for him as they said if my child was raised Muslim they'd disown me, but now he is not willing to go through this or tell his mother (his father has passed also) and fight this with me.
You are saving yourself from deeper heart ache. It is true, you need to let him go and if he truly loves you he will come back and fight for your relationship. If not then believe me you will find someone else who loves you for you and will be happy one day. I have heard this happen to so many couples and I knew this was a possible outcome but being human couldn't help but hope and trust in his words.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you stay strong. Within time your heart will heal.
xx
OMG, for me is like sf movie. And of course, I do have someone who rushed out of my life like a lightning, the way he made his way in it. I was thinking of one another woman, or many others, but religion did not cross my mind. No reason given for why he said he can not make his mind up for a commitment, or not. Reading your experiences, made more light in my dark and unknown truth. I consider them stupid and period. This now will help me moving on with my life and being happy with my life even though I might never trust or find the truth of why. They are proud of their religion because they hide behind it, sleeping with many women, without speaking the true, being fake to themselves as well. Much better without the liar.
Yours sincerely,
Steluta.