Muslim boyfriend is getting married to someone else
what is said at the end of a relationship can hurt, but can also heal
I am a Christian woman who met a Muslim man at work. At first when he said he was a Muslim, I was a bit hesitant but as we were just colleagues becoming friends I thought nothing of it. I started having feelings for him and he likewise. We started a relationship and eventually fell in love, it lasted for 6 months. I left the company but still we would meet everyday after work.
One night he called and said he could not meet with me the following day but he didnt want to say why, so I pressed him. He then admitted he was going to see a man to discuss meeting his Muslim daughter.
I will never be able to describe to anyone what I have felt since that day (2days ago). The coldness of how it was done I am yet to get over. I excused myself from the conversation because he was as cold as ice. I called him the next day and told him how I felt. But his family would not hear of him marrying a Christian. The funny thing is I would have married that man in a heartbeat.
You see my GOD is universal, he is not bound by religion. He is Love he will not chastise me for a sharing a Love that is pure, a Love that I could only share because of him. I am in love with this man and he claimed to love me too, why can't I be accepted? He had asked me if I would consider being a Muslim, I said I would like to know more before I can answer, I asked that we study the Qur'an and the Bible together but he was not interested.
I love him but he is the coldest person I have ever met.
- Tahrina
25 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Praise be to Allaah.
We ask Allaah to guide you and to show you the right path, for He is Able to do that.
Firstly:
We thank you for submitting your question to this Islamic website, which indicates that you have trust and are keen to find out the correct answer.
Secondly:
A number of the things that you find strange, as mentioned in your question, are regarded by us Muslims as normal, whereas others find them objectionable.
The reason is well known among the Muslims: the attitude of worldview of the Muslim is based on full submission to the rulings of Allaah and His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and total obedience to Allaah, the Creator, the Provider, the Giver of life and death, because He has enjoined that upon us, and He knows best what is right for us.
For example: you find it very strange that your boyfriend’s parents denounce the relationship between you, because according to the way you were brought up and what you are used to in the non-Islamic society in which you live, you think that this relationship is something natural and normal, in which two human souls come together and feel at ease with one another and satisfy their physical inclinations; he does things for you and you do things for him in return, and he speaks softly to you and you speak softly to him, and you can exchange gifts, etc.
Islam does not forbid kind words, good treatment and gift-giving, but a Muslim man should not be alone with a non-mahram woman [i.e., one who is not a close blood relative] and be intimate with her outside the framework of marriage, because the evil consequences and harm that that leads to, such as loss of chastity, committing zina (unlawful sexual relationship), the violation of honour, conception of illegitimate children and confusion of lineage, are far worse than nice relationships and the exchange of gifts.
If it were not for the intimacy you are seeking from one another, the nice treatment you are giving to one another would not have taken place.
Also if there is the firm intention and resolve to get married in the future and have children who will grow up as Muslims, that still does not justify this forbidden relationship which involves many things that are forbidden in Islam.
We wonder, if the relationship is so deep and strong, and you have the sincere intention of getting married, why don’t you both repent from this forbidden relationship and immediately enter upon a proper, legitimate relationship as allowed in Islam, based on marriage which Allaah has prescribed.
Thirdly:
It is not true that speaking to one’s father is difficult among Muslims. There is no society that is more distinguished by its strong family ties than the Muslim societies. Indeed, a quick glance at the state of the family in the west will show that sons are far away from their parents and the parents’ rights are not respected, let alone what that leads to of children being neglected and daughters being lost. Islam enjoins children to show respect to their parents, as non-Muslims who do not enjoy such a relationship realize. Because the mother tends to be gentle, loving and compassionate towards her children, and the father tends be to strict and take a rational and unemotional approach towards things, many children find it easier to talk to their mothers than to their fathers, especially with regard to emotional problems. But that does not mean that it is difficult for Muslims to talk to their fathers.
But some people may have been brought up in a way that was not entirely right, which may have affected some of their behaviour and attitudes, but only in a general sense. The Muslim is supposed to love his fellow-Muslim who is a stranger, so what about one who is close to him – what about sons and fathers? Each of them should care about the interests of the other and love that which is best for him. This brings us to the second point: which is that his parents’ objection to this marriage does not mean that they are trying to control their son and does not mean that they have judged you without seeing you. Rather any father – and especially in a Muslim society – wants the best life for his son, and because the father has greater experience of life and has lived longer, and he knows how things are, he does not want his son to do something reckless which he may later regret.
The father will try to keep his son away from everything that may be labeled a failure, so he does not want him to embark on something risky such as this marriage, because marriage in Islam is a strong relationship which does not just last for a limited time like the forbidden love of boyfriends and girlfriends; rather it is a relationship between the two spouses which should be ongoing and stable. So the choice (of a marriage partner) should only be made after much serious consideration and consultation with those who know more about life than we do. Naturally the difference of religion will be a cause of division between spouses, or will cause problems in the future, especially when children come along. We have heard of many such problems on this site.
Yes, Islam does not forbid a Muslim man to marry a chaste Christian or Jewish woman; Islam allows that, but it does not encourage it. Our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) urged us to choose a wife who is righteous, religiously committed and has a good attitude.
Hence the fact that his parents have rejected this marriage was not a hasty judgement, rather it was because they know how things are.
You may say, “My marriage to this man will be different, but they don’t realize that.”
Again I say: it will be different, but no father wants his son to go through an experience he does not need, especially when the current relationship between you is forbidden according to Islam.
Fourthly:
You ask, Will there by any blame on me if I accept Islam – outwardly – and continue to believe in Allaah as I do now?
The answer is that this is a serious matter. Our pure monotheistic religion cannot be toyed with, or used for personal motives. Hence one of the basic principles of this religion is:
“There is no compulsion in religion. Verily, the Right Path has become distinct from the wrong path. Whoever disbelieves in Taaghoot and believes in Allaah, then he has grasped the most trustworthy handhold that will never break” [al-Baqarah 2:256]
If a person enters the religion of Allaah as a game with no serious intent, he deserves the curse of Allaah and he will be with the disbelievers, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Verily, the hypocrites will be in the lowest depth (grade) of the Fire”
[al-Nisa’ 4:145]
Fifthly:
This problem may be solved in several ways, the first, best and quickest of which is for you to start to learn what Islam really is, the comprehensive nature of this religion, and how it is in accordance with the sound nature of man. So learn about the religion of Islam, for no other reason than to find out the truth and to get out of the vicious circle of confusing ideas and beliefs that go against sound nature and reason.
Then – if you strive hard – you will come to know the clear truth and the light of certain faith, and the matter of marriage will become easy for you – if Allaah wills. There is nothing wrong with your marriage to this man being a reason for you finding out about Islam.
But if you take this first step, it is better and more appropriate than getting married and then thinking about Islam.
If the family consists of two Muslim spouses from the outset, then Allaah will bless it and care for it, and they will be the basis of a family that is beloved to Allaah, because it is Muslim.
Perhaps if you and your boyfriend announce that you have repented and get married according to Islamic sharee’ah, this will reduce his parents’ worries and negative attitude.
If you tell them that you have entered Islam, then the One Who is more important than anyone else will be pleased with that, namely Allaah, may He be exalted. If you please Allaah, no matter whom you anger among your family, He will be pleased with you and will cause people to be pleased with you.
It may be appropriate – but you need to think about this and choose the right time– for you to visit his mother yourself, without your boyfriend being with you, so you can tell her that you are keen to enter Islam and repent from this forbidden relationship, and marry her son according to the laws of Allaah.
As we have mentioned above, Islam allows marriage to chaste non-Muslim women, so why not start to live a chaste and pure life, far away from any relationship that goes against that?
Your saying that your boyfriend cannot be the reason why you accept Islam is true in a sense, in that you will become Muslim not for love of this person but for love of the truth and love of Allaah Who has chosen Islam as the religion for mankind. The evidence for this is clear and does not need a strong emotional motive, because the evidence and proof of the truth is sufficient.
We must not forget, before ending this answer, to commend the phrase you used in your question, which is, “Since I got to know a little bit about Islam I can’t believe in the Christians’ ways any more.” This indicates that you are very close to the truth and that your conviction is taking the right shape, and that truth and falsehood cannot reside together in your heart. This is a good sign.
Ask Allaah to guide you to the path of truth and to open your eyes to the light. May Allaah guide you to the straight path. And Allaah knows best.
Salaam my Sister,
I am sorry for that sudden sense of rejection you felt at the hands of this man.
It seems that reason you can't be accepted is that he says his family have an objection towards his marrying a Christian. The fact that his family would not let him marry a Christian is indicative of his family attitude rather than a religious attitude. Islam permits a man to marry a Christian woman: so his decision is about him, and his family - not about God.
All religions have marriage rules, including Christianity. Christians are not permitted to marry unbelievers similar to the Muslims. The Bible says in Corinthians " Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers" and in the Quran it says "Lawful unto you in marriage are chaste women who are believers and chaste women among the people of the book" al-Ma'idah. So, we can see from both the Quran and the Bible that God has instructed that believers marry believers and avoid the disbelievers.
I understand that you are upset at his coldness towards you, but if you think about it rationally a breakup is hardly the occasion to be warm and loving. His coldness is appropriate for the situation, he is breaking off contact with you and naturally he will be cold. It doesn't mean that he has no feelings for you, or had no feelings for you - he is just managing a situation in the best way he knows how and in this instance his concept of the best way to go about things was to be as cold as possible.
It is natural for you to feel some anger and disappointment towards him and what has happened - however I would urge you to hold him personally responsible for his actions rather than anything or anyone else. The loss of this romance could be a terrible tragedy , or a great blessing - it all depends on the perspective you wish to take.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
woman islam is not just something u call a religion it is our way of life our way of thinking it lives in our blood we love islam.when i say we i talk of the true and God fearing believers (MU'MINS) so we love good and dislike bad we try our best to do what we must do as muslims and whenever we fail we ask forgiveness and try again we dont give up.christians and other people from other religions they have a comletely difrent mindset so if a true and God fearing man dont wana marry a non muslim well now u shud know why,otherwise about this guy of yours seems like he used u and most so called muslim men dont wana marry the women they use they want a pure clean modest pious chaste woman to marry the truth hurts i know.
he jus used you, i suggest you forget about him. im married to a christian women n livin a blessd life. one day you will find a man who will accept you for the way you are. i know its hard but you gotta move on.
peace......
Salam Sister,
I dont think he has used you. as he asked you if u would consider to convert to Islam. and u have not replied affirmative. So he understood it wont work. Even he loves you and even muslim can marry christian, most of muslims would want the kids to be raisen in Islam. The mother has a big role in kids education. U should understand him. But i dont advice you to say yes to Islam without meaning it, it needs study, lecture...
wish u all the best sister
words are words actions shows the truth even i can tell some guy wu i know wud not bcome a muslim that my love if u convert ill marry u lol i know he will say i cant convert but i want to marry u ??? hello??? common sense.
First of all he is not a Muslim yet. In Islamic term he is a fasik until receive Islamic punishment for committing zinah or making a sincere repentance.
"just advice", your comment is nonsense. It is false and libelous to say that the man is not Muslim. You had better be very careful, because the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said that when one calls someone else a disbeliever, if the label is not correct then it returns to the one who uttered it. Even if he committed a sin, he is still Muslim.
And who told you the man committed zinaa? You are slandering him without knowledge or evidence. That is a sin.
You have spoken in your other comments about knowledge and aqeedah; you need to do some studying of your own.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
God is universal,he is not bound by religion, He is Love and He cannot chastise anyone for sharing Love that is pure. Love knows no religion or race. we human beings complicate things.
Salaam
I know how you felt by that sudden rejection. My problem is, you know that this man is muslim and would like to be with a muslim. he even ask you to CONSIDER joining islam, but you diden't gave him a direct answer. if you would have said yes to islam, i beleive this man would have accepted you and marry you instead.
Islam is a very deep religion. peole accept it because they belief wholeheartly and know that this is the way of life.
May allah forgave me if i am wrong and show you the best of this.
If he had trulyyyyyy loved you, he wouldn't of had left u, no matter how hard it would of became for him. I thnk he just had lustful feelings for u, which ended somehow and he moved on sorry to say. Don't let this man let u down, for u shall fnd someone better, and worthy of bein with.
some months from now, you will be thankful that this relationship is over.
You will find abetter man in your life, you will marry, have kids and you will remember him as a dream. that's all.
This situation is happening a lot these days especially since many men from "Gulf" countries are studying abroad. I know of several such cases all ending in a similar way. I find it extremely hurtful and hypocritical behaviour on the man's part as most of the time they have no good long term intention while the girl does and really loves the man. In addition, the man normally does not explain the cultural or religious implications to the girl from the beginning and so enters the relationship in a kind of deception (at least giving the impression of real love to the girl-which in western culture has a different expectation which is something special leading to the possibility marriage).
The man has a responsibility if he enters the relationship even if it is "haram" because he started it willingly. It is not correct behaviour to just bail because his mother has found his "bride." Playing with peoples' heart and lives and causing damage to them is really sinful even if they are from a different culture or religion. So, I hope God sees all of this behaviour of these hypocrites. Also, most of the time it is not a religious problem at all. Even if the woman were to revert, the family would still reject her based upon cultural/racial/family bias. I don't find this to be kind or generous behaviour in any way. I have lost so much respect for the cultures like these.
So, if you are an Arabic or Muslim guy, please leave Western girls alone and follow your rules unless you can be strong and do the right thing concerning them and not fall back to your own cultural bias. Otherwise, you are not leaving a very good impression of yourselves, your culture or your religion to those girls and their families/friends that you enter into false relationships. Do you think western parents like to see their daughters cry or being used by you? It hurts them a great deal, and the stereotype that western parents are not close to their children is false. Many families are very close and spend years saving and sacrificing for their children's future and education. You are giving Arabs/Muslims a bad name in the world through this behaviour as this type behaviours becomes associated with you.
I to had a 6 year relationship with a muslim man,which eventually ended .He was always promising me a future together & that he would find a way for us to be together as I am a christian. He promised that he would speak with the "Correct" people at mosque and that he will get advice from his parents on how to proceed with a marriage.He wanted us to get married in October 2011,but told me not to share this news with anyone, i was to keep this matter to myself for now. When we met 6 years ago, he was a party goer and consumed alcohol,two years ago he stopped as he wanted to become more spiritual,I was so very proud of him and stood by him all the way.For the past three months I started seeing less and less of him,always a different excuse as to why he no longer came to visit,I always understood and was never angry,but eventually I made my heart strong enough,and broke it off with him as this was no longer a relationship & I did not deserve the coldness/rejection that he was now showing me.....I am very proud of him for the way he has turned his life around,but feel very hurt and so rejected at the way he handled "our situation", it has only been one month since the breakup ,and i have learned to take it one day at a time.When i think of him now I see a coward,and Im happy that I came to my senses and ended things.
Hi... I'm a Hindu girl and was dating my ex Muslim bf for 8 years.. He was my 1st. Lovd him .. Still do.. We talked bout our future.. And I Researched Islam. Learnt to pray.. Went to mosque to talk to oda reverts.. Kept fasts etc etc etc newsy he told me he was getin introduced to sum1... And I was hurt but had to let him explore his options as lovd him.. It didn't work and he sed he realised wat I meant to him... We spoke of marriage an I told him I wantd to convert not for him bt islam.. I believed all I had researched and saw myself reverting. He ignord this an told me he cud nt do that to his family. We still saw 1 anotha. I was weak. He met someone and within 6 months married her. We were still see-in each other up until the week before he got married... I guess I hoped he wud change his mind. He is now married.. But we speak regularly.. I was heart broken m still am... And dnt have the strength to move on.. I think it's guys like this that give Islam a bad name.. He jumped into a marriage an is still talkin to me 3 times a week..
Sim,
It's very unfortunate that you were left hurt and things had to be this way. I pray that Allah swt helps heal your heart and guides your soul, Ameen.
Howver, you need to be honest here, with yourself more than anyone. If you truly accepted Islaam and believed in it, then why are you a Hindu now that he has not been able to marry you?
If you truly saw the truth in Islaam then regardless of his involvement in your life, proclaim it and change your life for the better inshallah. As you know, it should never have been for him so his marriage to the other lady or any other issue shouldn't make a difference in that.
Also, please stop talking to him. You must know how wrong this is, in every way. Sooner or later, the devil will start something between you two, whether you admit it now or not. This is how it all starts. He is cheating on his wife by talking to his ex girlfriend who has feelings for him and most probably -whom he too still feels something for. Even if you two had absolutely no feelings for each other anymore, you STILL should not be in contact. He is married, he has a wife now and has moved on. You move on as well and let them live in peace. Why are you digging your own grave here and allowing him to use you like this?
Take your life seriously take control over your emotions. Don't let it rule your world for you or you will lead a life of total failure. Consider your purpose of existence and detach yourself from this man.
Peace.
Its an unfortunate but common situation. You say he's now married and still talking to you three times a week and men like him give Islam a bad name. I agree. But why are you responding to his attempts to contact you?
Sis, you've accepted Islam. This is an amazing and beautiful blessing for you. Focus on your new walk of life. Continuing contact with this married man will do nothing but give you grief and more heartache. It will also add sin to your newly cleaned slate since you have accepted Islam. Don't spoil your future by running after fire.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
It's easy to say this. But hard.. I was with him 4 a very long time. And it's hard to c he has just dropped it all. But that is life. I am sure he has moved on and probabaly don't care anymore. I will try an focus on myself. Thanks
This is so difficult, I was on the same both, but please let me understand further. He got himself engaged during our relationship and he had informed me about it. I thought I will die during those times. That engagement didn't pursue, the lady backed out for he cannot give what she is asking from him. We still communicate during those times and he had informed me that he doesn't want to get married anymore. I still have deep feeling for him same as him but then too it would never be the same as before.
I went for vacation last May 19, 2012 and he even dropped me to the Airport without knowing that he is already married during those times. He never had the guts to tell me but rather I knew about the matter from another person when I came back to work. He never knew that I came back I guess but definitely he will knew about it. I feel so sad for the person who always say everything to me made a brick wall between me and him.
Yeah, we are not in relationship anymore but during those time we remained friend although I knew from my heart I am expecting something from him in return. I knew him very well that is why I am too much dissapointed on what he had done, by the way he got married 2 months earlier before I go to vacation and he got married to the same girl he got engaged with the first time.
Still fresh because its not yet even a month, wish I could move on and get on with my life. I wish I could be happy for him. Still praying and hoping that someday all of this will become a dream and a part of me that will be remembered till the day I die.
im going through the same thing right now,, i love this man,, would give up my family and move to his country if i thought it would help
he went to visit his family and told me that he has to get married on this trip,, that his family all agree to this female and what could he do,, he has to listen to his family..
he has promied me over the last year that we would marry,, i have started to study islam,, at first it was for him but the more i study the more at peace i become
i love this man and i would do anything for him,, i dont know what to do or how to leave him,, i know he loves me
i canot picture my life without him,, we talk on the computer for hours everyday,, im so hurt and feel lost
Michelle, its best if you continue to study Islam and hopefully embrace it. Its for your best interest in this life and the next if the Lord wills.
"..O People of the Book! come to common terms as between us and you: That we worship none but Allah; that we associate no partners with him; that we erect not, from among ourselves, Lords and patrons other than Allah.." (3:64)
Regarding that man you're seeing, know that, his behavior is not according to the teachings of Islam. This is one reason why Islam forbids bf/gf. He made you a false promise and now you both are heart broken.
If that man got married on his trip, then you might have two option if situation allows.
1) He can still marry you , if he really loves you. Thus you'll be in a polygamy marriage. Have you thought of this ?
2) Leave and forget him for maybe his love for you isn't real as he decided to get married to someone else right away on his trip.
Make your choice, in my opinion, your best course of action would be to leave him. One reason is, you being a non-muslim, it'll be extremely hard for you to be in a this sort of relationship in which you'll have a co-wife. Almost unacceptable in many cases.
When you decide to leave him, stop communicating with him immediately. Change your number etc. Continuing your illegal relationship with him will only result in troubles and punishments by the Lord Allah. Making his relationship with his wife-to-be in fire.
It'll take time to heal your broken heart , and you CAN live without him, just as how you lived before meeting him. So dont worry, hopefully you'll find a better honest man.
Whatever you decide, its always best to keep family as a high priority. Its not pleasant to abandon family just over a man, your parents has infact brought you up with difficulties and sacrifices. Your mum has carried you for a good 9 or so months bearing pain and hapiness. They gave you shelter, education etc. The last thing any sane human would want to do is to abandon family. So avoid disrespecting them whether non muslim or muslim and with their knowledge get married for unity and hapiness on both sides. If you convert to Islam, its your duty to take care of your parents no matter what.
Hope all goes well.
Hello, i don't know if you explain dreams for muslims but i had this weird dream and i would like you to help me understand it. This guy and I have been in love since two years now but most of the time its an on and off relationship. I would also say its a unique relationship not necessarily in a good way, we are both extremely proud and have failed to be direct and honest towards each other since we both see it as a sign of weakness.. i haven't been speaking to him since the beginning of summer 2014 since we do not understand each other or try to. We are certainly a mystery to each other. Anyway, this is the not point. Last night i had this terrible dream that he married another girl, an ordinary girl that was with us in school but hasn't been a problem to us. That is not the point, the point is that they got married and i was extremely sad, in the dream it was clear that we loved each but couldn't be together because he had to get married.. i wanted to stop the wedding but i woke up. This relationship has brought ups and downs to my life mostly downs since i was hurt numerous of times. He never knew he hurt me since everything was always so mysterious and secretive. I don't know if you get me but we loved each other deeply but we were just to proud to admit it .. therefor it led to games. I hope you can help me understand what this dream actually means, thank you.
Deenah, pride and love don't go together. And this doesn't seem like a healthy relationship ("we do not understand each other or try to."). Lastly, if you do not invite him to approach your family with a proper marriage proposal then this will go nowhere and sooner or later he will indeed marry someone else.
If you need further advice, please register and submit your question as a separate post, thanks.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hello. This same thing us happening to me now. I have been witg my muslim boyfriend for only 4 months and he has professed his "love" for me. He says all the time he will do anything to be with me for the rest of his life, talks aboyt marriage, children, the future, with ease and excitement. When he is with me he tells me I M the most beautiful woman in the world. Obviously this has all been manipulative and deceitful. I was naiive and I fell for it. 10 days ago he went on a vacation back to his home country and blocked me on facebook, has not commincated AT ALL, and I found out by snooping around his friends' pages, that he got engaged, and had a formal engagement ceremony. What upsets me most is he has made plans with me for when he returns ( he is supposed to return in 4 days) and now I am wondering if he will ever return at all. He still has a car and apartment here and I kind of think the fact that he blocked me on facebook means that he plans on coming back and just hiding the whole thing from me and continuing on in our relationship. The relationship is over for me, I cannot forgive him and I have felt pain and ache in my heart and body I never knew possible. I know it is pointless and unwise to wish for a final confrontation, but I feel the need to gain closure to communicate to him the pain he's caused me. After reading through this forum I now know I will never pursue a relationship with a muslim man. I respect and actually really admire the religion and the beliefs, but I had no idea about them while I was dating him as he never even mentioned being muslim until casually one day well into the relationship. I see now he never had serious intentions with me but failed to tell me that snd in fact tricked me into believing he did. My worst fear is that he just never speaks to me again as that will be most hurtful. He had already been married to an American girl previously so it was not unusual for me to suspect we had a beautiful and bright future together. I know the right thing to do is to just stop communicating with him and never see him, but I am weak and want to cry to him and show him my pain. I don't really have a question but would appreciate any input or insight. Thank you.
My ex boyfriend sedat satlik a muslim kurdish left me after three years and got married to a kurdish muslim young girl a virgin. I sacrificed everything to be with him. Now I have to see him around with his new wife and soon a family . He told me to ignore him . How cold how mean and I regret everything i did for him. I hate him. I wish i never met him i.want him punished. And I'm abondand and alone in.this city I need help!