Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Muslim Boyfriend left me pregnant

Pregnant woman depressed

As-salamu alaykum,

I am a 24 Hispanic  and had been dating a 26 year old Muslim Bangladeshi guy for 8 months when I surprisingly fell pregnant. I had met him through his older sister who I was friends with when he asked me out. I hesitated at first but was encouraged by mutual friends  about what a good guy he was and how he didn't practice his faith. We started dating and everything was great, he was amazing and caring and we fell in love. Don't get me wrong I was aware about his strong culture and religion so I asked whether it was ok for him to date me on our first date and several times through out our relationship and he always said that it was ok to mary a woman of the book (I'm Catholic) as long as we raised our children Muslim. I asked him continuously what if his family doesn't except me and he would always use the line 'I don't let my mother choose my clothes so why would I let her choose my wife'.  (He lives with his mother, younger brother and older sister as his dad had passed away). He had even said this to my mother who was worried about me dating him as she was afraid his family would not except me. He has met my family several occasions as he comes round for dinner and they all welcomed him with open arms. He always said and we have always promised that as long as we stay strong together we can overcome anything.

I have always taken interest in his faith learning and reading about it, asking him questions to which he didn't know the answer to and then sharing with him what I had learnt to which always made him happy. I always tried to make him feel comfortable by asking whether he wanted me to fast with him during ramadan out of respect for him but he has never fasted before. He pretends in front of his family that he does but would eat straight away outside or at work. He drinks, smokes which I don't so I've always tried to encourage him to stop. His mother knows of me as she's bumped into us now and again and he did end up telling her he was dating me showing her my picture, as she has kept trying to introduce him to potential wives, but never did he say I was not Muslim. She told him he should marry me then but he was not ready as he still had not finished his studies.

When I found out I was pregnant I was surprised as I was on contraception however I have a medical condition which makes getting pregnant difficult so I found this as truly a blessing from God. He was excited and happy when I told him and for the first three months we were planing what to do.  He was making sure I was following a good diet, planning where to live and he came to all my scans. He told several of his friends and colleagues excitedly who congratulated us and he has told his younger brother.

However, when I finally told my family at 14 weeks and surprisingly they were super happy and supportive he seemed sad and that's when he got cold feet. He then met up with me to tell me he did not want a child as he was not ready to lose his mum over this nor was he ready to raise a child. He said he no longer wanted to be with me and wants nothing to do with our child. I respected his decision as heart breaking as it was as I understood he had to sacrifice a lot. I told him sadly that was fine I would raise the child by myself with the help of my family even though I was confused as we knew this was to happen and had spoken several times about the outcomes of being with me. He said he wanted a Muslim wife, I said wasn't it enough that we raised our children Muslim, but if he could respect my faith but he said no. So I told him I've always been willing to learn about his faith which he knows and that maybe if he gave me time and practised with me so I could learn from him but he said no it wasn't enough. Considering he doesn't practice at all, I can't help but realise he is only scared, trying to please his mother and using this as an excuse. He thinks he can pretend nothing has happened and plans on not telling his mum anything and carrying on with his life.

Now no longer together, and having accepted him to live his life without me or the child it is still not enough for him as he is now aggressively asking me to have an abortion as he says 'Its not fair on him having to live with knowing he has a child out there'. This is where I've drawn the line as I am against abortions and am ready to take responsibility for something that we both caused. However, he is still angry calling me to get it done calling me selfish. It breaks my heart and I have no idea what to do. Please help me with some advice from a Islamic perspective. It's not fair on a innocent child to have to endure this. I love him so much as he is my first love I can take the rejection but its not fair on my child.

May God bless you.

luna_stef

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23 Responses »

  1. Sister luna Stef

    No innocent soul should be sacrificed for the sins/mistakes committed by another. The child that will be born is innocent and does not deserve to die. The least you can do is bring the child up as a good practicing muslim and may be you can turn to Islam and seek forgiveness for commiting the sin outside of marriage as Allah is forgiving of his servants.

    It seems like the person you were in love with wasn't a good practicing muslim which explains why he didn't know much more about Islam than you whilst your not a Muslim and he being born into a Muslim family.

    All I can advise is that do not let yourself be used by others regardless of their religion or how much you think they love you. Unfortunately men can be very deceiving and manipulative and im saying this whilst I'm a man myself. But I only say this because I have heard of alot of stories like yours and it really angers me that muslim men or anyone can ever do that to someone and not think about the consequences of it. At the end it's the women that suffers the most in this kind of relationship. You need to think about yourself and now your baby aswell. And move on.

  2. Dear Luna-stef

    So sorry to hear of your situation. You are right, you don't need to abort the child, it's a gift from Allah. We all make mistake & Allah is forgiving & merciful. I don't want to judge him, I understand the cultural pressure on him but if he was man enough to get involved in a relationship he should be man enough to own up to it and marry you ASAP.

    Perhaps you could talk to your friend , his sister since she introduced you to him. if he gets his sisters backing he will be less hesitant. My brother was in a similer situation years back and he thought we were going to disown him, but when I came to know I got them married (Nikah) first then told our parents, they were upset at first, they got over it and loved their daughter in-law. Islam allows men to marry believing women of the books.its even better if you are willing to learn about islam.

    May Allah make it easy for you.

    • Dear Zeba

      Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my dilemma. I have tried to speak to his sister but she defends him and I believe is the reasoning behind his sudden change of mind. She agrees that I shouldn't have this child also as like him she's not a practicing Muslim. She is dating a non Muslim too.

      And our mutual friends now hate him and think I am better off without him and have said he is trying to get back with his Muslim ex to marry her now. Which I don't know how as there reason they broke up was because her family never approved of his. He plans on never telling his mother or ex about me and the child. I want to move on and forget about him but I can't.

      Do you think I should tell his mother myself? It has been a month since we have last spoken but I'm going to have a last heart felt talk with him tomorrow in a last chance to fix things.

      May god bless you
      X

      • I feel one last chance should be given to him, his parents should be informed of the prospect of a grandchild. The parent might be more religious and be helpful.

        Once the child is born he might feel differently, give him the option to be part of the child's life.if he does not want to then it's his loss. He will be answerable for his action.He is the fathers wether he likes it or not. The child will have his name in the birth certificate.

        Be strong & I Wish you all the best

  3. i am also muslim pakistani i hear your story its so sad i can pray for you only but my its my faith that GOD WILL give him punish May Allah make it easy for you... take care

    • Sister I think it's best you consult an Islamic scholar about this. As he clearly doesn't want to bear the responsibilities of his own action.

  4. Hi Luna_stef,

    I am sorry that you are going through this difficult journey.I would personally advise you not to abort your baby. Keep it as kids are blessings. Your boyfriend's behavior contradicts with the teaching of Islam as he should NOT have pursued illegitimate, sexual relationship you. However, that's now a thing of the past. He is coward so I suggest that you don't bother talking to him anymore. Secondly, try to look into Islam more properly and I invite to consider embracing it. Thirdly, if at all possible, I suggest that you approach his family e.g his sister that you were friends with, and offer that you are considering embracing lest it gives an opportunity for him to be convinced to have a family with you.

    I pray that Allah gives you the strength to get past this unfortunate incident. Again, this is not the way Islam teaches us to treat women.

  5. He is such a coward and a big shame for as muslims to know how our muslim bors n siss have adopted the weaster culture. Allah will surely punish him either here or in akhira. May allah show u the right path and reward u for evry pain ur going throug. I can so feel ur pain sister may allah make it easy for u. I also think u better off without him. He is a coward and he will surely cantinus all these sins even after he gets married. I feel sorry for the woman hes going to marry. He dose not deserve a woman's love or respact. He wil not die peacfully nkowing he rejacted his onnocent child and telling u to abort him.

    I think u should tell his mum. She should be awar of her son's wrong doings. After that if she also takes his side and try to show him inoccent. Then u should diffintly move on from these people. Never let him come to ur life again.

  6. Dear sister,
    I'm feeling sorry for what happened to u, most of the Muslim males from Bangladesh are not sincere, that's what I know about them. They don't want to take responsibilities of family.
    Don't abort a child it's really a bad thing It's like killing in Islam. Secondly the child could bring u guys together again if u can forgive him of deceiving you, I don't think he is a real Muslim guy. I think u r better off without him .bring the child up as a Muslim coz basically it will born Muslim. recite "Astaghfirullah " as much as you can In Sha Allah God will forgive you of having this child out of marriage.
    Be careful next time coz men are only looking to have fun and that's it. Wish u all the best .

    • Dear Maha.
      I couldnt agree more with you about the fact that you mentioned that most of the Muslim males from Bangladesh are not sincere. This has been confirmed by many people over and over again.

      • Salaam sister,

        I think it is unfair of you to say that most of the males from Bangladesh are not sincere and don't take care of their responsibilities. In this scenario, he wasn't being a practical muslim at all and that's based on his actions and thoughts and not because of where he is from.

        As Muslims, we shouldn't generalize other cultures. We are no better than those who say "All Muslims are terrorists." There are good and bad muslims everywhere and our goal is to become one ummah not bounded by culture.

        May Allah guide us to the right path and help those that are strayed far from it. Ameen.

        • It's fair comment to say. I'm sure if they actually had a poll for which man are the worse and not sincere Bangladesh would be number one place. I know a lot ppl with these types of man abc there is nuthing but problems.

          • I agree, 200%, with your statement and is speaking from experience, Lana.

          • It's a fair comment to say but your an idiot. I'm pretty sure if there was a poll to whether your an idiot or not, it will conclude that your an idiot.

          • Fatima, Maha and Lana. Since your talking trash about Bangladesh people. Making it a race issue. I am guessing your from Pakistan. If you compare Pakistani to a Bangladeshi people then you'll see that Bangladeshis are not so bad. They are humble and nice. Do you know of Bangladesh genocide, killed by Pakistan people. Pakistani people live a double standard life- go to the mosque, pray, show religiousness, argue about Halal meat and then at the same time cheat, and have unislamic life and play with girls/guys.

            This guy that she met is so ignorant about Islam, but it's not an excuse for his actions. It is not Bangladeshi trait.

  7. Sister greetings of Islam

    I always suggest non-Muslims who comes with such cases is check about his Islamic practices. If he performes 5 times prayer with no exception daily, rest for sure he is reliable till last breathe. However past is past. As per Islamic ruling, child is born Muslim and should be brought up as a Muslim. Abortion is no option even if you could case worst of scenario.

    Sister Islam is a beautiful religious and it beautifies every Muslim who follows. As much there are bad humans there are bad Muslims. Do not draw wrong judgements bcs you met a wrong sample. Also I suggest talking to his mother and detail what happened which has nothing to lose from you.

  8. Assalaamualaikum
    What I cannot understand, is that this guy has a relationship with you, and to me it seems that he just used you. He wants to marry a good Muslim woman, but how can it be possible if he cannot act like a descent Muslim man with Islamic values. Islam prohibits drinking of alcohol, not fasting, not praying 5 times a day. Does he think that if he finds a practicing Muslim woman, she would put up with all the haraam (prohibited) that he is engaged in. And to think that maybe his Muslim wife would bring him to the straight path. He will be in for a big surprise. He has to first align his life, with what Islam requires him to do, and maybe then, will he qualify for a good Muslim wife. The Quran clearly states, that the good are for the good, and the bad for the bad. Sister forgive yourself, forgive him, and move on with life. And once you start to maybe read books on Islam and the Quran, you may find interest in religion. Please do not think that all Muslims are like this Bangladeshi guy. Strongs.

  9. He is Done very bad.. ALLAH will punish him and also you are a sinner you shouldn't have done this

    • Sk, this is not a helpful comment. The purpose of this website is not simply to criticize people who have made mistakes, but to offer them constructive advice on how to move forward.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. Dear all,

    Thank you for taking the time to read and give me advise during my difficult time. I have heard all your answers and am thankful for your understanding and help.

    For those who judge me about doing wrong you have to remember that I was not brought up Muslim but from a culture where developing a relationship with a man is a MUST before marriage. Rest to sure I am not like most western girls where sex is as natural as eating and is not frown upon but expected when in a relationship with a man.

    I was with him for months seeing each other at least 3 times a week until I trusted him enough and had fallen for him to share such intimate moments with him. He was not a virgin as he had a 7 year relationship with a Muslim girl which they lost their virginity together at 16. I live in London and In fact all his Muslim friends (which he had loads) and even the ones I know from school or work are all or have been in relationships out of marriage.

    I am not saying this is correct. I wish I could go back and save myself for my potential husband had I known what I know now in life. I know my family are disappointed with me that I didn't do things the correct way by getting married first but nevertheless a baby is new life and a blessing so they are happy for that as am I. They just pity I have to do it alone and that this man they welcomed to their home has abandoned me.

    I understand you would want your wife to share your faith and beliefs in order to grow closer together and to God, but picking and choosing what you like out of religion to suit yourself is just hypocrisy. He wanted a Muslim wife yet he drinks, smokes weed, has relations out of marriage and doesn't pray. But expected me to follow this way (Which I half do already I don't smoke and pray every night). However this was his excuse with me.

    We had a long lasting conversation and even with me converting he just does not want the responsibility of being a father. He was clear that he is not ready to give up his freedom and to be there for me or this child. He blames me for not having an abortion to begin with and not listening to him meaning he has lost complete trust in me as I decided to keep this child without his consent. I told him I could not kill our own child I am even a vegetarian because I can not stand being part of the killing of innocent animals. (Talk about stubborn and selfish). He also doesn't believe that contraception isn't 100% effective and believes I choose to get pregnant. He refuses to take any responsibility for this outcome and doesn't realise that guess what it takes two to tango. And above all this he still believes he is a good man. He says he could of been more mean to me about this and treated me like dirt but he says he thinks he is doing the right thing. I said what would your father think of you (he died when he was 7) he had a child out of marriage to a non Muslim girl also before he married his Muslim mother but at least he still raised the child and was there. My ex boyfriend said his father would understand him. (Delusional). He honestly thinks he is doing the right thing and not the selfish thing.

    Anyway I don't know why I am going into so much detail telling you all this but I guess I have no one else to talk to. I'm sorry this is so long but I have decided to tell his mother myself as he still hasn't but I know his mother she is a cold strong single Muslim woman and will probably kick me out her house before I get the chance. His sister tells me there is no point telling their mother as she was once pregnant and her mother ignored her and didn't speak to her to eventually she 'miscarried' and even then didn't ask how she was or felt. Just carried on as if nothing happened.

    Therefore, I believe I will get my mother to go tell her or speak to their local Imam in hope she will take them more seriously. She has the right to know that she has her first grandchild on the way. If they still don't want to be apart of my child's life so be it. It's a shame he will never get to embrace his Bangladesh routes or miss out on half of his family. But that is life I guess. You live and learn. My child will be loved 1000 times more regardless by me and my family and at least my conscience is clean as I tried my best to fix this situation.

    Many thanks again to all your advice once again. May God bless you all.

    x

    • Dear Stef

      MashaAllah that's such a positive attitude. I'm so glad that you have taken a positive approach to your situation.don't get disheartened by judgemental words of people.even our prophets were not speared.The virgin Marry wasn't spared. Baby Jesus himself had speak on his mothers behalf. That was one of the miracle.Allah has plans that we don't know of.
      Allah guide us all.My sincere advice is, try reading Quran you will guidance from there and deffenetly you will find peace.

      Who are we to judge Only the Alimighty is to judge and that's why the Day of Judgement is destined every soul with be justly dealt with and none of us from the angle. Human being are meant to sin Allah's door is always open for mankind not just for Muslims.A lot Muslim today we meet have lost the value and try to hold on to culture rather then faith. We think what people will thank if they find out rather then what our creator is thinking of our action, intentions & words.
      We meant to make 72 excuses before we make negetivev comments about people.if you find no excuse then leave it to Allah the creator of the universe.

      As you said your child will be loved and cared for but you have done your bits.option of approaching local Imam even local Bengali community would sound good.
      May your child be your source of joy and happiness.
      InshAllah if not the father of the child I pray that you meet a pious spouse who will value and respect you.
      Inna Amal usRi Yusra.=After difficulties comes Ease.
      May your baby be your source of happiness in this world and the next.

  11. What this guy did is sure an idiot. He is far from Islam. He is ignorant and parents didn't teach him Islam. He is Muslim by name and culture. Only reason he saying that he wants to marry a Muslim and have Muslim kids is to make an excuse. Sister, he was only using you for pleasure. Your innocent in this and I applaud you for being very careful with him from the beginning by asking him his cultural/religious restrictions. It seems like you know more Islam than him. Keep the baby and you must contact his mother. She should know that his son is a bad person. His mom has right to know that she has a grand child. I would leave this guy. He is a complete jerk and has no respect for you. I can't believe that his sister would actually tell you to abort the baby. They care more about their reputation. Allah will surely punish them for their sins. Sister, repent for your sins too. Your baby is innocent and raise him to be a Muslim.

  12. Approaching an Imam would not do any good. They will not go there, trust me. They would want you to handle and approach the mother. An imam will only give you an advice and will not tell the mother for you. You and your mother both go and tell his mom. Better yet take a male with you also, you may not know the outcome, since you said his mom will try to kick you out. Be careful.

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