My Muslim Life is not real – I need help and courage
Muslim Family is a Lie – How do I handle it?
My husband and I have been married for 13 years. I brought three children into the marriage from a previously abusive relationship and one of the most important things that my husband and I discussed before marriage was how crucial it was that there be no division in our blended family.
We discussed how I believed a family should be together whether they are blood relatives or not and he agreed 13 years ago. Over the years he has shown himself to be aggressive, narcissistic, and violent and one who is not capable of loving another’s child unconditionally. He has begun to remind me how much he has sacrificed by raising “someone else’s” children and how he is “sick of it” and how grateful we should be. The children are in college now and we have a much younger child together. He constantly tells me how differently he feels for “his” child and those who are not his.
Whenever he is upset with anything in the world he makes threats to sever all ties with them including canceling their health insurance and only maintaining insurance on himself, me and the child we had together. I have lived with emotional, financial, and physical fear for quite a while and I don’t believe I can do it any longer. He insists that my family is not allowed in “his” house, says he will not give those of my family the greetings if they offer it and in a sense keeps me in a state of pain constantly. I don’t know how to tell him that I cannot live with the lie we put forward. He attends the Masjid whenever he feels like it, acts like the ideal husband and father, judges others and their actions then comes home to terrorize me at will.
We are not a Muslim family because we live a lie. We very rarely pray together, he treats me harshly, yelling, threatening and cursing. I feel that I cannot be the proper Muslim that I have inside me while I am living my life always trying to keep the household calm, sane and manage the damage and pain he causes. I have wanted to ask for a divorce for the past year because I have felt I have been at the end of my rope. When I started praying to die last year, I knew we had reached a point of change yet I have allowed myself to succumb to remembrances of how he used to be, feelings of guilt over having been divorced before and feeling as though Allah will look harshly on me for giving up on this marriage and I have allowed his threats of what will happen if I leave scare me.
What do I do? I need help so badly. I have counseled with the Imam only to be told by my husband not to speak with him or his wife anymore. I feel I have no one to turn to besides Allah because I can’t even talk with my own mother or father for fear they will know how bad it is living in my home.
Please help me.
-am0128
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Salaam sister.
Something must change, and you know that. It is not right that you are praying to die, and you have the right to live a life in peace and out of fear. Your husbands treatment towards you is very wrong and you do not deserve it. Neither do your children. If he cannot live with them so be it - it is his problem dear sister, but it should not be yours or your childrens'. You have said you want to leave "I knew we had reached a point of change" and have been contemplating divorce, but it seems each time you try to consider it you have doubts. Trust in yourself sister and listen to your instinct don't ignore it. It is your fitrah from Allah swt. Each time you get these thoughts you must challenge them with logical answers:
"Yet I have allowed myself to succumb to remembrances of how he used to be"
This commonly occurs when you look back into the past. The important thing is the present. How is he now? Is he able to change and willing? Can you get through to him. Just because he was a certain way before you should not live in hope or convince yourself that he will change back.
"Feelings of guilt over having been divorced before and feeling as though Allah will look harshly on me for giving up on this marriage"
You do not need to feel guilty about your wish to divorce this man. Yes divorce is hated in Islam, but why didnt Allah make it haraam? Because its a right we have. You have the right to live in peace and you have rights as a wife. If he is not fulfilling these and is abusing you, do you really think Allah will punish you for leaving!? Divorce is justifyable and even recommended in abusive marriages. We have a duty to protect ourselves and our children from harm and if divorce is what it takes then divorce it is. As long as its not done flippantly or for no good reason, divorce is halal.
"I have allowed his threats of what will happen if I leave scare me."
This is a more difficult one. Can he actually carry them out? Sometimes it is more harmful to stay than for his threats to be carried out. Is he threatening to cut off the kids health insurance? Try to make arrangements to prepare you in case he does carry out his threats. I would advise you to contact a domestic abuse organisation in your area to help you with your options. Can you get a job so you are able to support yourself?
Do you have family who can support you. Keep ties with them, even if you cannot invite them around then meet them when you can.
You have said he is violent but not provided details? In any case, violence is past the limit so unless he proves he has changed and goes for anger management or counselling then leave him. Sometimes in life you have to take risks in order to get out of difficult situations. It may be tough, but Allah never closes a door without opening a window. The best thing you can do is seek help from an organisation, get counselling and find out your options. Prepare for those risks. When you do leave take documents and important stuff with you, and if he becomes violent do not be afraid to call the police. Do not just sit there and do nothing - you know something must change.
If you need help with finding organisations, please comment on here and let us know what country you are in by commenting here.
I pray that Allah swt protects you, and your children and gives you someone much better than your present husband and a situation much better than your present one. May He give you the strength and wisdom to make the right choices and take the best course of action. Ameen.
Please keep us updated.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Thank you so much my sister Sara
I cannot put into words how much your response gives me strength. You did not speak to me out of an emotional need to denigrate my husband but rather out of logic,Islam and love and I so much thank Allah for that. My children's father passed away suddenly (I pray Allah be merciful to him) and my husband and I agreed that I would accompany the girls (older ones) to the funeral and support them in their need. He actually paid for my ticket. I realized he had to work so I was in the process of making arrangements for a family relative to watch our 8 yr old while I attended the funeral with her step-sisters but even that was too much for him. He didn't want her anywhere around it so I agreed to leave her here in Georgia with her grandmother. This was his suggestion and his mother is always happy to see her. I left on a Thursday afternoon, returned on Sunday evening and the funeral was Friday. Everything was fine until Saturday morning. He called me with one of his moods saying I needed to leave my older girls and come home. He called me everything under the sun on the phone and via text messages and berated me, cursed me, promised some kind of devine retribution was coming on my head, etc. because I was still with my family. Well I explained to him that I was also using this weekend to visit my favorite uncle who is in hospice care in the last stages of pancreatic cancer. He accused me of being an unfit mother, wife and muslim. Within the day before I cam home he sent me over 25 text and all of them hurt you when you read them. He promised to take my daughter away from me because I disagreed with him, cancelled me off his insurance so now I have to cancel all my doctors' appointments and he stipulated that he will not support me in any. We have taken turns sleeping on the sofa and to be apart. Now his mood is over and today he wants me and our young child to go away with on a nice weekend. I am off kilter at all times.
ASA, Sister.
I'd like to make dua for you that Allah guides you to do what will please Him, even if that means separation from your husband. As Sister Sara reminds us, divorce is not Haram and Allahu SWA, is most merciful, most kind.
Barakatu,
Sis., Nur