Islamic marriage advice and family advice

muslim/non-muslim relationship.


Can Muslim-Christian marriages work? Can Muslim-Christian marriages work?

Muslim-Christian Marriage

As-salamu Alaykum,

I am currently in a 3 year relationship with my muslim arab boyfriend. He is the first guy in my life. I met him in med school. We are on good terms, but today I asked him to tell me the truth for the last time if he is going to marry me. He said that he will marry me after he marries the girl his parents want him to marry- making me just the second wife. I told him I don't want to be the first wife or second wife, I want to be his only wife. He said he has to follow his parents. His older brother is already engaged to someone, which makes him the next one to be engaged. He said we can break up if I don't agree, and I said I don't agree but I want to marry him.

I asked him what he would do if we broke up and he said he will continue with his life, and that he's very sorry for me. He said whatever happens he will marry me, but just as the second which I don't want. What kind of girl would agree to that? I asked him why he didn't he tell me about this situation 3 years ago?

If I break up with him, who will like me? Who will want to marry me? Everyone knows that we are couple except our families. I tried to break up with him, but I can't survive over a week. He is the first guy in my life.

He told me he will tell his parents about me when we graduate, and if they do not like me, he will marry someone they'll choose for him. He said he will love me forever even if we don't end up together. As of now, he is not yet engaged, but sooner or later he will be.

What should I do? I've been reading the Qur'an, and I'm starting to believe it, but since I'm with him my friends exclude me and don't talk to me anymore. They said that one of these days I will go back to them crying because of him.

I'm christian, but for the past 2 years I've gotten so curious about islam. I do good things, but I didn't recite Shahada yet. I'm still with him, which I know is haram. Too many questions are in my head.. I'm planning to recite the Shahada when I graduate, and planning to wear hijab and be super straight.  I am living in a non-muslim country, what can you advise in this situation???
what should I do? What should I do so his parents will like me? What should I do so he will marry me as his first and only wife? I've been thinking too much.

Thank you very much. I'm looking forward to seeing your comments.


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11 Responses »

  1. Hi!
    To be honest, I don't think you will be the first wife, the second or the only wife. Let's think about this, why can't you be the first wife? Why not tell his family he wants to marry you?! What, you are not good enough to be his one and only wife but you are good enough to be his second wife??

    I think he is just playing games with you. When it's time to settle down he will marry someone else an move on... ** this is just my opinion!!! I think you should move one!

    Sending tons of strength your way!

  2. OP: He told me he will tell his parents about me when we graduate, and if they do not like me, he will marry someone they'll choose for him

    He already told you that you can be his 2nd wife. Muslims are not supposed to have girl friends. Why can't he tell his parents right now about you? Why he has to wait? Just seems like an excuase to me? I feel sorry for you.

    • Hmmm you know this is good you should talk to that guy that you want to convert and you like islam you w are interested in it you should talk to him. May be it will work tell him that you want to be a muslim too with your heart and he should tell his parents because of he loves you and soend life with some one else he is desroying3 lives

  3. Sorry my dear, but he will never marry you not even as a second wife. You wasted your time with this guy.
    I know you want to be his only wife and would never agree about being in polygamy, but if you want a proof that he's just playing with you, ask him to make you his first wife as this relationship you two have is haram anyway, and then he can marry a second wife that his parents are going to choose for him.
    This is just a trick question to see his reaction. I know what his reply is going to be and how many excuses he's gonna make, but you need to know this for yourself.
    And don't worry, it's not the end of the world and you'll find someone who will be happy to have you as a first and only wife. Some good christian perhaps.

    • I loved and agreed with your advice, up until the last sentence. Why would you suggest she finds a Christian or insinuate that a Christian will be happy to make her a first and only wife. The sister has stated that her interest in Islam is growing and is already starting to believe, so don't you think that suggesting to her that she might find happiness with a Christian is going to detour her path towards Islam?

      • I completely agree with Iman, what you katkuta said at the ending was very disturbing and harsh. This young woman is looking for advice and is clearly started to open up her heart to islam. Regardless of her sin and being with this man she still has the right to be treated like a human and given proper naseeha so that she can continue to learn about islam and not be pushed away by muslims because they dont like her actions.

        I am a woman who grew up without islam and i tell you i met an arab man and we married and im his FIRST AND ONLY wife and he treats me with the most utmost respect and love that i have ever seen in my life. so dont insinuate that no arab man or muslim man will ever marry her and make her his only wife just because she is or isnt a muslim. Arab/muslim men marry christian women often these days. As well as converts/reverts who have accepted islam. I cant believe you would push this woman away from the religion of God just because you dont agree with her actions with this man. Allah is AR RAHMAN AR RAHIM AR GHAFOOR so dont shut the door on this sister before she has even taken the chance to turn the knob!!!!!

        Sister please listen,
        Continue reading and learning about islam, but dont do it for the hope that it will convince him or his family that you are "good" enough. Allah is the only one you should please.
        Wallahi by Allah i swear i was trying very hard to marry an arab man whose parents were just as strict as the guy your speaking of, and he had no choice in the bride, he had to accept what his parents chose for him and when he told his family about me, they rejected me regardless of the fact that i am a good pious muslimah. The reason they rejected me had NOTHING to do with my imaan/deen the reason behind their rejection was cultural reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with islam. They told him that women outside his tribe were only going to make trouble and cause divorce but that they knew i was a good muslim and that i would be good enough for any other man, just not for their son. Thats what they told me. Imagine how heart broken and depressed i felt after i had been waiting for months for him to tell his parents, and after he did their response was hardly comforting or accepting.

        but bottom line i want to point out here is that just a few months after i ended speaking to that man, i met my current husband and he did not hesitate for a second. We arranged a meeting with my family and he came and we got married. dont lose hope just because Allah doesnt give you the one thing you say you want the most. Allah is keeping you from something and by showing you this mans true colors through his own words, it is clear that this man has no intention of being seriously married to you. It breaks my heart to know that you are going through this but i want you to know that you are GOOD enough and you are BETTER than what he is making you out to be. dont let anyone belittle and make you believe that you have to settle for less because of something like color or culture.

        Islam also does not forbid the marriage of a man and woman of two different nationalities/ethnicity/culture islam promotes the marriage of women and men from different backgrounds because it is something the prophet Salallahu alayhi wa sallam did as well. IF it was forbidden the Prophet Salallahu alayhi wa sallam himself would have never done it either.

        i just warn you about certain muslims coming from strict cultural influences because often times these are the muslims that will never be able to marry outside their culture for fear of being shunned from their family.

        this man has ALHAMDULILLAH all praise be to Allah been very open and honest with you about his intentions and this is in itself a BLESSING. Many men like him play games for many years and make the girl beleive he wants marriage when in actuality all he wants is to marry the girl his parents choose, hand have that girl on the side for his own pleasure. Just take a look at the many questions written on this website by girls in similar situations as yours and you will find that your situation is very similar to theirs. Most of these girls are not as blessed as you in the case that you dont have a child with him and you should feel blessed by this.

        I know that you have mentioned you have been with him a long time, and that you love him by by Allah i swear to you that i have been in your shoes and i know how it feels but sincerely i tell you that its not the end of the world just yet, find enough courage and leave before you invest more time into this relationship than it deserves. The longer you let yourself fall into this the more painful it will be if you have to watch him marry another woman while he is still promising you marriage...and then it never even happens.

        Today he says he wants you as his second wife, if his parents dont accept you as the first, what makes you think his parents will accept you as his second?
        He THINKS he can marry you as his second, but the reality is that his family will never accept that either.
        If he is the kind of arab i presume he is, then his parents will never allow you to be part of their family.
        I dont know you, and i wonder what your life would be like being secluded as the second wife, where he will not bring you around his family, he will not openly bring you around any celebrations, he will hide any children he has with you, and he will most likely give you less rights than his first wife because that my sister, will be the result if you accept the conditions.

        Islam prohibits any man from marrying more than one wife if he cannot successfully give all his wives their rights by providing, spending and maintaining them emotionally and physically. any of those rights that are withheld make it impermissible for him to have more than one wife. Islam is a just religion and gives everyone their due-right. this man seems unfit to stand up to his parents regarding his right to choose a spouse, so i have doubt that he will stand up for your rights as his wife too.

  4. May the Peace and Blessings of God be with you Sister,

    I just want to add to the advice given above (which I agree with). You are a practicig Christian and you are familiar with the teachings of Christianity. When someone tells you they are Christian, but they do not behave the way Christians should, you pray for them that they improve, but you are also alert to the fact that there is a problem, and maybe you can't trust them 100%.... Before you interact with any more Muslim men, you should learn more about Islam, and how Muslim men are required to treat ALL women. The only way to know you are dealing with an upstanding Muslim man is to observe and judge his actions from the very beginning. If he suggests something that goes against Islam, forget him. Even if you are not Muslim. Judge him by the standards of his religion- not yours, and forget him. How can you trust someone to have any integrity if he cannot honor his own covenant with God? The only way for you to make these types of determinations is to learn more about Islam, God willing


    • Wa Alaikum AsSalaam Warahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuh Sister. I failed to notice your greeting when I first read your post.

  5. My. Dear he has made it very clear that he is jus playing with you and using you for the time being.

    He has no intention of marrying you as his only wife and said that get feels sorry for you and will not marry you..but only as a second wife.

    He is not a proper muslim man, he is a player. Please let this man go and be glad that you are away from him.

    If you want to learn about Islam, go to a masjid and speak to someone, as clearly this man has some misguided practices.

    As for your question about who will love you? have to love yourself my dear. It starts with that. Love yourself and get confidence and people can see confidence from a mile away. You don't need a man or anybody to approve of you and make you feel have to do that for yourself.

    He saw that you were low on your self esteem and he used you and is very open about how much he doesn't like you and his much he doesn't want to marry you.

    So tell him goodbye, and trust that God had a plan for you...and that your future looks better than convincing this player that you are should marry someone who thinks that you are the most wonderful woman and he is blessed to have you in his that's a keeper.

  6. Salam sister,

    i am very sorry to hear what you are going through and what this man has put your heart through. 3 years is a long time to be in a relationship, and i know more than anyone how you feel at this point. sister, if this man was sincere, if you were the one is heart desired, he would not let you and he would not want to be with anouther women. you would be enough for him. he would take a stand and tell his parents. no man is ever forced to marry, he has a choice and he has clearly said he wants to go by his parents chocie. he would want to honour the relathionship he had with you. DO you want to be with a man, who can so easily give you up, and get married and put anouther women before you. IF he cannot stand up for u before marriage how do you think he will treat you after marriage? it may be hard to accept, but please if nothing else learn from my mistake and save yourself further heartache. this man will not change his mind. he will not make you his first and only wife. the more you persue him the more he will be adamant and stick by his decision. if love is not given willingly, its not woth having.

    you deseve someone who wants to be with you and only you. CUT all contact will this man. you have made your feelings clear. it will not be easy, but you have to do whats best for you and your future. take each day as it comes. hwo will you feel when the time comes and he gets enagegd. then married? he will be living his life, moving on and it will u who will be hurt. he says he will marry you as a second wife, you have said you dont want that and thats all he can offer you. he will not change his mind.

    you dont want to be in a position where he gets commited and youi have to watch him love anouther women. please remove yourself now from his life and save youirself further heartache.

    mashallah you say you have been reading quran. if you want to persue islam, there are many ways to help you on this path. go to the masjid, join religoois classes. true firends will always be there for you. its those who are with you in time of need that shine throuigh as loyal friends. let your heart heal. with time you will find the right man, one who will be proud to have you and only you as his wife 🙂

    • Sorry to till you this( he is using you 100%) he will never make you his 1st 2nd 3rd wife his parents will find him a Arab wife and kick you out of his life he don't care!! Im sorry must Arab guys like him do that to girls I have seen friends that went throw what you have! They end up with nothing I told him I told you so!! Now there married and happy!!His parents will never agree he is 100% lying to you!! If you so into islam insallah you will find a better brother that will love you!! U know is so much eaiser said did done you will heal this pain!! I'm been honest with you leave him he got no feelings for you that is why Allah made it haram to date this what happens!! And sorry about my English insallah find someone wayy better!!!

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