Islamic marriage advice and family advice

15 Year old Muslim revert living in a strictly Christian family, and I can’t stand it

Worried girl, unhappy girl, anxious girl

Hi, I'm a 15 year old girl, about to turn 16, and I've been following Islam since April 11, 2012. My family is made up of STRICT Christians. I knew my mother wasn't going to like it when I told her that her oldest daughter was becoming a Muslim, so I wanted to wait until Ramadan to tell her.

Well that didn't happen... I went ahead and told her April 28 and she kind of stared at me for a second and then went on to say that she believed it was a false religion and that it was a "lazy religion" as she put it, because the Qur'an doesn't require you to interpret  the meanings of the scriptures like the bible does??? This made me really mad. Interpretation can lead to different opinions on verses in the bible, which means no one can really know what is right according to the bible.

If any religion is "lazy" it should be Christianity, because they aren't required to pray 5 times a day and fast. They just simply accept Jesus and then they're done for the rest of their lives. They can be as bad as they want to be and still get into heaven. That sounds like a good description of a "lazy religion" to me.

Anyways, she didn't 'freak out' at first because she thought she could convince me that Islam was false and Christianity was the only way, but after she realized that I wasn't going to change my mind she lost it. On May 14 she FORBADE me from being a Muslim, and from ever saying Allah's (swt) name again. I also was not allowed to hang out with my friends, use my computer, or watch TV.

This enraged me! I couldn't even look at her! It was like that for a week. I did nothing when I came home from school except sit in my room and stare at my phone.

Finally one day I was sitting in the living room with her and my step-dad when he asked me "Whats wrong? Why are you so depressed?" Are you kidding me!?! I told him it was because I couldn't worship my religion and my mom said, "Well you can Sunday when we go to church." Even though she knew exactly what I was talking about. I yelled at her and we got into an argument, long story short I ended up convincing her I had converted back to Christianity and I was able to hang out with my friends again.

Ever since then I've been trying to pray in secrecy and I wanted to fast for Ramadan this year, but couldn't because I knew they would realize that I'm still Muslim...

I need help! I'm never able to pray all five times each day like I'm supposed too, and I feel terrible about it! My parents are constantly making racist type jokes about Middle Eastern people and, saying awful things about Muslims. I can't stand it!

I know there are others out there that have it much worse, but I honestly can't spend another day in this house with them.

My hope was to wait until I turned 18 and tell them then that I was still Muslim and then move on to college and not have to deal with them... but I can't pay for college on my own so they are going to have to help me with the costs and I know for a fact that if I tell them that I'm still Muslim they are NOT going to help me pay for college.

So now I have to wait until I'm at least out of college, which will be when I'm about 23 or 24. Though, I feel like when I get to college it'll be a lot easier because I won't be living with them and I'll be able to pray all five times each day without them constantly spying in on me, but two more years feels like such a long time! Its only been 3 months that I've kept it a secret and I already feel like its been 3 years!

I don't know what to do! I feel like I'm not doing enough for Allah. I'm not praying enough, I'm not fasting, I'm not standing up for other Muslims, and I'm eating pork when I'm not supposed to... I can't handle it. I feel alone. I'm depressed. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I'm bored with EVERYTHING.

All I do all day is sit in my room and think and pray silently in my head, and yet I feel like that's not enough! I can't perform wudu and pray the way I'm supposed to, I have to improvise and substitute with sitting there and saying the prayers in my head. I'm not asking for a miracle, I just need some advice. I just want someone to tell me whether or not I'm doing all that I can, and I need something that will get me through this. Please help me!

I want to be adopted by a new family, but of course I want them to be Muslim, and I've looked and can't find anything on Muslim adoption agencies in the US. So does anyone know of an agency that can help me?

I know that there's one in the UK called the Muslim Foster Care Society or something along those lines, but I can't find something like that here in the US. PLEASE HELP!!!!

(If it helps narrow it down, I live in Oklahoma.)

- Aubree

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26 Responses »

  1. Salamualaikum,

    Sister, Allah's Help is near. All you need is trust in Him and Hope that He will bring you out of it.

    Further, according to me, you have not sinned by telling them that you are still Christian. Because in Islam, word of Kufr (disbelief) uttered out of coercion has no weight, and Allah forgives it.

    Considering that you are too young to take your own responsibility financially, I suggest you to continue in secret and practice Islam, as much as possible.

    You need not worry my sister, for each and every little pain you feel in this life, you'll find a mighty reward with Allah in the Hereafter insha Allah (if Allah Wills so).

    Allah Created us all so that we Worship Him, to the extent one can. You said "I feel like I'm
    not doing enough for Allah"
    My sister, all we do is only for ourselves, we can do NOTHING for Allah.
    Allah does not need anything from us, but we need Him bu every tiny moment of our lives.
    And noone can do enough of what one has to do. We can just strive to attain the highest level of piety by being as dutiful to Allah as we can, but we can never be enough.

    My sister, try best not to eat pork, because it is something Allah has ordained in the Quran. Regarding fasts, keep them if you can, but otherwise, hope for Allah's forgiveness. For prayers, see if you can do thien in secret. You could lock yourself in a room and offer the prayers in time, if possible, otherwise, you could offer two prayers together. That is to say, fajr or morning prayer in its time, dhuhr or noon prayers with the afternoon or asr prayers at the time of either of them, and the evening or maghrib prayers with the night or Isha prayers, at the time of either of them.

    This, you should ONLY do when it is not possible to do the prayers is time, and when you are travelling, though there are other specific exclusions.

    Do this, until you find the Help of Allah. It will surely come, but you need to have some patience.
    Prophet Muhammad Peace be upon him was 40, when Allah have him the Prophethood. For THIRTEEN years, he and the ones who followed him (Muslims) suffered severe inflictions from the idolators. They punished the Muslims with red hot iron, hot sands of Arabia, stones, and what not. They had patience. They were helpless as you are. They were being tested by Allah to see whether they are firm or not.

    My sister, it is not so much that you will have to wait, insha Allah, you'll find the Help of Allah soon, just pray to Him and have Patience. Most importantly, let no moment pass, in which you do not trust in Allah.
    I pray to Allah that He dares your problems and gives you a way out, as soon as possible.

    It will be great if some Muslim family takes your responsibility. I hope other readers will be able to help you with that option.

    But having said all this, do not yell at your parents. Allah Has taught us to respect them, even if they have Islam and the Muslims, we do not obey them in sin, though.

    May Allah make it easy for you, my sister. If you need any help in understanding the Religion, learning it, practicing it, please respond, so that we can do what we can.

    Wassalamualaikum Warahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  2. Salaams,

    It sounds like you and I have some things in common. I had a very similar experience as you did when I was your age, however it was because I converted to Christianity. I am Muslim now, Alhamdullilah, but the experience I went through with my parents when I believed as I did then mirrored your own.

    Like you, I was born and raised in the US. My parents (my entire family, actually) was very anti-religion of any sort. I, on the other hand, always leaned toward spirituality. When I got to be about your age, I couldn't take living just a meaningless life for no purpose, so I went to the only religion that was known to me. I grew up in a small town and never had even heard of Islam at that time, and I tend to think if I did I would've converted straight to that. So Alhamdulllilah, you have found truth at such a young age, it will only benefit you going forward.

    At any rate, once I became "religious" my parents shut me down. They wouldn't let me attend any activities or get togethers that had anything to do with the teachings of my faith. I spent the bulk of my high school years alone in my bedroom quietly trying to establish my own connection with my Creator. Like you, my parents told me that my choices and lifestyle were enough for them to back off of any support for me after I graduated. Like you, I waited for the day I could get away from them to live my own life the way I wanted to, the way I knew was valuable.

    I ended up leaving the day after my high school graduation. They tried to give me a guilt trip about this, even bringing out relatives I rarely saw for the event to keep me from going. I left and went across country to a private school that taught what was in keeping with my own beliefs. I took out student loans to finish both my bachelor's and Masters, since my parents were not going to help me. Yes, I do have a lot of debt from that now, but I don't regret it because I have a good professional job with reliable and adequate income. I have a degree and license that will enable me to start my own business if I ever choose to do so. I think you should think about doing the same, instead of staying with them an additional few years and having to live this type of existence.

    I don't know what kind of person you are, as far as personality. I know that your decision and practice of Islam is not going over well with your parents, but I'm curious to know what would happen if you practiced openly in front of them anyway? Yes, I'm sure they would restrict you initially, but could that be lifted with time when they see you're not going to change back to your old belief? In truth, even when you move out on your own, they are going to either come to peace with what you are living or they are not. You have to come to peace with where they are if they don't.

    In truth, what they are doing is in violation of your constitutional right of freedom of religion. I hate to say it, but technically you could contact the ACLU and tell them what's going on, and sue your parents for what they're doing. If this entered the legal arena, they would have to permit you to practice what you like, and cease the hate speech. That's a big undertaking, but if you are a brave soul and want to try it, it is your right. Their responsibilities as parents don't supercede it. That suggestion came from the rebel in my nafs lol.

    I can tell you with patience and diligence, this test will end. You will have the freedom to do what you love and practice Islam openly. I know back when I was going through that similar situation, it felt endless. I thought I would eventually chicken out or give up before I was able to get out...but I made it and so will you! Keep trying to do the best you can, and keep learning about Islam. Keep praying to Allah, and He will provide the strength and fortitude you need to see things through until the end. We are all rooting for you!

    -Amy Editor

    • Wow Amy, I didn't know you went through all that. Your experience sounds almost exactly like that of this young sister. Alhamdulillah that you found a way forward to being a practicing Muslim and getting your education.

      Wael Editor

  3. Salaams,

    Another thing you could do (legally) is apply for an emancipation through the courts. Since you are about to turn 16 this may be granted, but to be honest I don't know what kind of requirements would be needed for you to be approved (like who you would live with, how you would support yourself etc). I guess this is an option you can look into more, as I'm sure the requirements vary from state to state.

    -Amy Editor

    • I, on the other hand, always leaned toward spirituality. When I got to be about your age, I couldn't take living just a meaningless life for no purpose, so I went to the only religion that was known to me

      Wow Amy,

      You have put it so beautifully. The day we realise that the essence of our happiness lies in questioning why we were we brought in this world? I got this epiphany 1 week after I turned 23. I had a lovely job, a girl friend and a best friend. The day I lost my best friend and girl friend I went into acute depression. But now, I realise why it all happened. There was a reason for it. Though, I was a muslim since childhood but little did I know about my own religion. Today, when I questioned myself, why did it happen to me... I realised after reading Quran ... that it came during a period of 23 years. Being an engineer I learned the logic behind it.

      Now, after reading about your life I am truly imbued and proud of following Islam.

      One quick question : Could you share with us how was your transition from Christianity to Islam ?

      • I suggest that if Amy chooses to share her journey from Christianity to Islam, it should be a separate post or page.

        Wael Editor

        • I would've said the same thing; it's a long and complicated story lol.


          • Really sister Amy you should share even if it's long and complicated it will help other to find solution and get answers from that.

        • I second that Wael, as I've heard part of Amy's story and its truly inspirational maasha'Allah!


      • sister Amy. Insha Allah, and I pray to Allah that you find reward with Him for all this, 10 times more than you expect. And I hope the poster gets inspired by it and stands firm.

        Muhammad Waseem Editor

  4. salam alikum sister, i know life must be really hard for you, when i read what your going trough sometimes makes me think, mashAllah your so damn lucky for having a strong faith in Allah,it brought tears to my eyes just thinking about all the other muslim bro's and sister's that are muslims and don't care about their religion as much as you do, your suffering silently to be a muslim while everyone else is a muslim but just dont' bother. o well that's their own personality,but what i can tell you is that if you want to be a muslim and want to go into a muslim family is by getting married in a nice decent muslim family as you get older and done the things that you have done in college and the rest .( i mean when you've studied)
    the way you pray, it doesnt matter Allah knows your circumstances you dont need to worry about a thing.Allah will protect you. Allah wants you to always ask from him. so when ever something goes wrong there is always a better side it doesnt matter how hard life gets just stay positive and ask for forgivness at all times, but another major role in islam is to respect your elders but if they dont understand and are against islam you have the right to walk away but not in a bad manner just keep it low and Allah will be proud of you.InshAllah May Allah (SWT) give you the courage and the guidance and help you through all this and open up ur parents eyes and mind (Ameen)

  5. Dear sister Aubree, As-salamu alaykum,

    I'm very, very proud of you. I have a young daughter, and if she grows up to have your faith, I will be very happy Insha'Allah. Don't feel guilty. It sounds like you are doing all you can and more.

    You remind me of the early Muslims. They accepted Islam in a hostile environment. Most of them practiced their faith secretly. A few were open about it, and they were tortured, imprisoned and a few were even killed. Some chose to leave Makkah, and they migrated to Abyssinia (today called Ethiopia), where they found refuge.

    So this is the situation you are in. I know that right now it feels like you are in prison. And in a way you are. But be patient, sister. The time of your freedom is coming. In only two years you will be 18, and you'll be a legal adult, free to make your own choices, free to leave the home if you choose, free to go off to college. You'll be able to visit the Masjid (mosque) if you like, join the Muslim Students' Assocation at college, etc. Maybe you'll even meet a young Muslim man for marriage, if that's something you choose.

    Until that time, be patient. I agree with all of Muhammad Waseem's suggestions. Keep your Islam secret from your parents. Do your prayers in your room if you can. If you don't have a lock on your room door, do your prayers in the bathroom. Normally we don't do that in Islam, but in your case, since you have no choice, just go in the bathroom, lock the door, close the toilet lid, and put something clean down on the ground to pray on.

    Do not eat pork, drink alcohol, or smoke cigarettes. These things are all haram (forbidden in Islam). If your parents challenge you about not eating pork, tell them you read that it's not healthy and that you're trying to cut down on all meat.

    Do you have Muslim friends? Visit them at their homes as often as possible. Pray with them. Adoption is not an option. No court in the USA would take you away from your own parents and give you to a Muslim family. I also think that emancipation is probably not an option. But you can try to spend time with Muslims.

    As far as what happens after 18, don't worry about that too much right now. I do think that you won't have any excuses at that time for not practicing Islam openly. If your parents cut off your college funding because of it, you will find other ways Insha'Allah. You might be able to get a scholarship from an Islamic organization like ISNA, or get student loans as Amy did.

    Hang in there, sister. Keep a low profile. Don't argue with your parents even when they say offensive things about Islam or Muslims. Just excuse yourself and go to your room. I know it's hard right now, but we are all with you. I know things will turn out great for you Insha'Allah. Keep us posted often if you can, by adding comments here periodically.

    Wael Editor

    • I should add that there is another approach. Be totally open about your faith. When your parents argue with you or curse Islam, let it wash over you and don't respond, but be persistent. Do your prayers openly. Fast in Ramadan openly. If your parents crack down on you in an extreme way, consider seeking legal representation from CAIR or the ACLU.

      I personally don't recommend this approach as I think it's probably more trouble than it's worth. But if you were to choose that route, I would not say that you're wrong. It would take great patience and courage.

      Wael Editor

  6. Dear sister,..

    Salaam alaykum wa rahmatullah.(Peace and blessing of Allah be upon you),

    Praise is to Allah most high for his love for you granting you wisdoms at such a young age.May he increase you in his love and nearness forever more.

    My opinion is just an opinion.As you have seen from Ms. Amys response (she is my wife lol ) you are not alone having to keep your faith secret.. Many great people had to keep their faith secret in history.

    Asiya was the Israelite wife of the Pharaoh Ramses II. Unlike her evil husband, she was a pious and believing woman who accepted the faith that Moses and Aaron were preaching, according to the Torah, in Israel at the time. Although she had exceeding wealth, she was not arrogant like the Pharaoh. She realized that faith in God was far more important and was thus exalted by God amongst the women of her generation.

    Asiya and her maids were at the neighboring Nile river one day. To their amazement, they found a crate floating in the river. Asiya immediately ordered the crate to be brought out on shore. Although the maids thought there was a treasure in the crate, they in fact found a baby boy inside. Asiya instantly fell in love with him and knew that this boy, Moses, was no ordinary baby. She told the Pharaoh about the baby and convinced her husband to allow the baby to live with them. Asiya subsequently saved Moses from the Pharaoh's anger several times. Asiya then offered Moses' mother to live in their household as Moses' wet nurse and paid her for her services, being unaware that the wet nurse was Moses' mother. Thus, mother and son were reunited again.

    The tradition holds that Asiya worshipped God in secret and praying in disguise fearing her husband. She died while being tortured by her husband, who had discovered her monotheism..


    In the begining of Islam,..many of Muhammads disciples had to hide their faith becouse of such harsh persecutions and even death.So know oh dear sister you are not alone.Insha'Allah we will be praying for you and asking Allah to grant you strength and firmness in his love.He loves you,..dont ever forget this.


  7. i agree 100% with the ideal if you can find friends who are Muslim ( of course with out your mom knowing) and be able to go to their house once in a while would greatly increase your understanding and faith about God and Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him)take cheer dear sister, are blessed and from what i see every one is rooting for you.Please do write back from time to time and let us know how you are doing.If you find no friends per chance, can always come here and talk to the editors and confide in them ,insha'Allah (God willing).


  8. Listen you have converted into a wonderful religion, May Allah bless you... Pray to Allah and ask for help and say "oh Allah I am a Muslim I believe that there is no god but you an that Muhammad (PBUH) is your last messenger and I need you to help in my life as I worship and believe in you and I need help..."
    Get help from other Muslim girls and they would invite you to their house and you pray there.
    Thank you.

  9. My sister

    Masha'Allah! Allah has given you great strength of character.

    My sister, welcome to the life of truth, of true peace, and of enlightenment that comes with submission to Allah!

    I am a 52 year old (former Christian) revert, and still have only shared my reversion with a few of my family members, and my parents are both dead and buried, so I really have nothing to fear. You inspire me. Alhamdulilah.

    Allah has chosen you out of all the other non-Muslim people in the world to become a Muslim. You are truly blessed. As a revert you see the beauty and wisdom of Islam as it compares to Christianity in a very clear light.

    I would agree that practicing openly may be a good option. If you do so, you must maintain your composure. They will persecute you, even your own family members will. But maintain your dignity and composure, let Allah shine through your actions. Do not allow them to take you off the path. They will try to trick you, make you angry, make you mad. Do not allow them to see that it bothers you at all. Be strong on the outside, Allah will give you the strength. Even if you want to cry on the inside, you must rise above it.

    Your example may be a tool for Allah to guide others to Islam, for which you will be greatly rewarded in Jannah.

    AmericanMuslim Editor

  10. my dear sister

    juzz pray to Allah from your heart surely u will ur answers tc 🙂

  11. asalamu alaikum,

    after every hardship comes ease. stay firm on your belief.

    ma salama

  12. Masha Allah, sister glad to see u doing jihad like this, don't worry. But anyway, may I know what made u accept Islam? It might come in handy when giving dawah to Christians. I am not sure whether it was wrong to ask that question, but sorry if it is. Jazak allahu khayr 🙂

  13. Background
    Hey all, I have a similar story - although I'm not too sure how (if at all) bad things can get when I tell my mom I want to be a Muslim. I was born and raised a Christian, I'm currently 17 years old living in Ontario, Canada. My mom is British/German and my dad is Trinidadian, although I look like a Mexican (in my opinion) and to many of my friends I look "white" haha. My dads side of the family is not religious, in fact, I think their mostly Catholic/Christian/Hindu, but not followers, more casual/laid back followers. They don't pray or go to the building they use for worship or anything like that. My moms side of the family is the same, they are all Christian, but the only people who follow Christianity is my mom and my brother - my parents are separated. (moved to post:

  14. I just made a post seperate from this, I'm a bit sketch because I think I did it wrong, I'm a bit confused as to how these forums work. Anyways, my post is waiting moderation and what not before it's submitted/confirmed into the forums.

  15. This situation seems to be increasing everywhere as Islam is rapidly spreading . Al-Humde'Allah . I feel that it is the responsibiliy of all muslums living in the states (or evan other countries ) to open a home for new muslums that find living with their family is preventing or hurting their choice to be a muslum . If we as muslum close our eyes to this Allah will ask us about it for sure .
    I mean when someone is new to Islam we as muslums are responsible to do everything in our power to help them and they the new muslums evan have the right to receive zakat ( evan if they are rich ) . Also a female who reverts to Islam becomes the responsibilty of the Islamic community that she lives in . So where are thoose muslums now ?
    Al-Humde'Allah when I reverted to Islam in 1982 the Islamic community took care of me and helped me learn my deen as well as gave me a place to live until I got married and others like me as well or until they could help themselves ( as some were men ) . But my eyes pain me now to see that in the year 2012 , this dos'nt seem to be the case . Where are the brothers and sisters of Islam now ?

  16. i so feel for u sis 🙁 i was born in a muslim family, but despite that i cant freely live an islamic life. i want to do proper hijab, but i cant and so much more. i can really understand what ur going through, im going through several things all at once, one of them being this, it does get people depressed but just stay strong sweety. may be hang around with ur good muslim friends more, so that u can pray at theirs, may be theyll understand u and will support u in shaa Allaah.

    also, check this website out ... islamqa ... u can submit ur questions on their and u get replied to by some good scholers, i hope theyll help u with any questions u may have. furthermore, check this site out as well ... ... u can have live chats with advisors on there in shaa Allaah that may benefit u too 🙂 do come back on here, ur not alone sis <3

    take care x

  17. Asalamoalaikum wa rehmatullaahi wa barakatuhu sister

    this life is a trial, everyone has some problem of his own. How we act and face those problems makes the difference.
    Allah says ask the help of Allah by Namaz and patience. Indeed Allah is with the patient ones.
    when Allah wants to benefit someone he opens the heart of that person for Islam.
    Glad tidings to you that you are selected by Allah. Allah selected you so now you will also be tested so be patient and offer namaz.
    Don't loose hope as u r chosen by none other than Allah, and struggle as you will be rewarded for that.
    As for the bullying be patient, and dont be sad, u will ask why???
    bcoz they are providing you opportunity to earn ajar. if u r patient u will get ajar, if u will forgive them u will get more ajar, you act nice with them more ajar........
    so its an opportunity for you
    every problem we face in this life is an opportunity for us to earn ajar

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