Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Muslim revert in love with Pakistani Muslim, do I have a chance?

Pakistani men breaking their fast at Iftar time in Ramadan

Pakistani men breaking their fast at Iftar time in Ramadan

Salaam all,

I am a revert to Islam, and have been for the past 2 years 🙂 I am still learning so much, and everyday I am inspired more and more.

I have reached the satge in my life where I wish to settle down inshallah. I have recently met a guy that encompasses all that I want from a good muslim husband, and he has become a very good friend mashallah.

Now we have reached a problem.. we have been close friends for nearly 2 months now, we have discussed everything from politics to food.. we get on so very well, and he really does make me very happy. Last week he recieved a phone call from his family back in Pakistan, saying they have started looking for a wife for him 🙁 for when he returns to Pakistan in 2012. This is all very new to me, and I probably sound so very confused.

I am a white girl, if anyone wonders, and I can't help but feel that I stand no chance, because I am white and because I am a revert. I know having an arranged marriage isn't what he wants, but he says he must please his family.

We have talked about how both of us want to settle down, infact he brings it up a lot, but I am too shy to ask if he means with me??

We speak every single day, and wee see each other every other day, without fail and I know we are getting closer.

How do I approach this situation? It is very new to me, and I don't want to run before I can walk on this one,  if that makes sense.

I would really appreciate your opinions... I pray everyday for Allah's guidance, and inshallah I will be granted  happiness.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Allah hafiz

- Sweetpea


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10 Responses »

  1. Dear Sweatpea,

    Praise be to Allah that you have accepted Islam :O), may Allah make your path an easy one.

    Of course Islamically you and this Muslim Pakistani are permitted to marry. But there is a major issue lingering amongst the much of the Pakistani community, actually the Indian Subcontinent which holds them back. This is the issue of putting culture before religion. They will harp on about religion, but when it comes to cross cultural marriages, all their preaching flies out of the window and their national and cultural pride prevails.

    ***

    The man whom you wish to marry has already mentioned that he must please his family, on the other hand he is sending out signals that he 'likes' you. That is somewhat confusing for you right, because your relationship with him has not been defined.

    Sis - I would recommend you look out for yourself in this situation by taking charge. Tell him that you have both become quite close and you do not wish to do any haraam by becoming closer and you do not want to get emotionally hurt. So because you have feelings for him and share his morals and values; you would like to know if he will consider marriage with you. Make it clear that there can be no in-between; if there is no marriage on the tables, then you both need to move on your separate ways.

    * He may reply that he needs time to convince his parents. In this case, I would give him space but ready yourself for an answer either way. Keep check of your feelings and the time he is taking. Do not let him lead you on - even unintentionally.

    * Or he may say that he will not be able to convince his parents at all but wants to continue a friendship with you. In this case I would recommend you move away from him completely as you will no doubt get hurt.

    ***

    At the same time, I would recommend you approach a good Muslim friend, a trusted Muslim community leader or a qualified Imaam/Mufti to be your Wali/Guardian. Every Muslim female requires a Wali to help her arrange her marriage and to be present at the time of the marriage contract. There are many benefits in this; as a Wali will inshaAllah be like your 'guardian', hence speak on your behalf in some matters, stand up for you, represent you. This will also prevent you from having to mix too much with the young man in question thereby reducing any unecessary contact with him. Having a Wali will also help you when/if your proposal if put forward to this man's family.

    Best Wishes,

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Assalam-Alaikum,

    Sister first of all congrats on embracing Islam. I will agree to most of things which SisterZ said after first paragraph. Just wanted to add few points.

    1- One more way to approach the young guy is to use some 3rd person which can talk to the young guy. For example Hazrat Khadjia (ra) sent her marriage proposal through her best friend Nafisa to Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w).

    2- Again I would say that look for yourself and do whatever sisterZ told, Please do have a guardian, but in my humble opinion(I have no islamic basis for this opinion) the guardian should not be a Pakistani person. He should be someone of the same background from which you are. If its not possible than someone who understands your cultural background better as I think he can better understand your perspective and issues than a Pakistani person.

    3- Please take first paragraph's advice with a grain of salt. I guess most of the posters on this forum are somehow mistreated by Pakistani people 🙂 and if nothing else than you'll get to listen some cultural rhetoric. It amazes me when (in islamic context) all the problems in today's western culture suddenly vanish when Pakistan comes under discussions and this cultural rhetoric starts. I am saying this because while reading posts on this forum I feel that people here have this superiority complex and pride that they are better people and muslims than people in less fortunate countries.

    Most importantly look out for yourself, definitely really good as well as bad people come out of Pakistan (like any other place). Put marriage first priority(in presence of Wali) and please no 'friendship'. Suggestion for 'friendship' without marriage or any haram thing, should be an indication to completely move away from this guy.

    My 2 cents . May Allah guide us all.

    regards,

    • Dear Concerned,

      I only just read your comment here and felt compelled to reply. I agree there are both good and bad people in every culture, but the sister's query here was with regards to Pakistan and cross cultural marriages. While I cannot present any statistics to show the Pakistani view point on this topic, I originate from a Pakistani family, hence I know enough to confidently say that the majority of Pakistani people are not at all accepting to cross cultural marriages. Although, as within any group of people, there are a minority who think differently.

      My comments above were not intended to add to the media's bashing of Pakistan. They were intended to show the initial author of this post what she may have to deal with.

      Pakistan does have a long way to go and is being held back or rather dragged down by some of its cultural ideas. They have issues with marrying people from different regions of their own country, so what chance does a non Pakistani stand? The sooner we 'Pakistanis' accept and admit that there is a problem, the sooner we can start finding ways on getting rid of this suffocating mentality and replacing it with a more literate, logical and Islamic point of view.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I must address this point of Sisterz

        ", I originate from a Pakistani family, hence I know enough to confidently say that the majority of Pakistani people are not at all accepting to cross cultural marriages. Although, as within any group of people, there are a minority who think differently. "

        Most higher earning people in Pakistan , The elite class so as to speak accept cross cultures . My best friend married a white woman and they both are serving in a school in Karachi . One of my uncle married a white woman and now he is living in Islamabad. You can also find many cross culture marriages if you live in posh areas like ( defense , Gulberg and blue area) . The cross-culture problem is mostly limited to people who are either uneducated or educated but still believes that culture is more important . I have personally seen that, this problem is prevalent in middle to lower class people . However I , have to agree that there are some very nasty and pathetic people over there just like in any other culture or society .

        I am not being rude as I myself originate from Pakistan , but making generalization won't be fair either .

      • I really disagree with the quoted statement from SisterZ. I could almost gurantee that both Sister Z and the OP(Englih?) are BRITISH/UK Pakistanis. Much like the Arabs of France this is a demographic problem where British Pakistanis, French Algerians etc tend to be descendents from poorer uneducated immigrants. FOr instance in the UK a lot of Pakistani first generation immigrants were factory workers. In the US however South Asian Muslims are the most educated and perhaps the richest ethnic group in the entire US. I have never seen an ethnic Muslim group more open to intercultural marriage than Pakistanis (and I am a product of that). Most American Pakistani parents really don't care who you get married to as long as that person is a Muslim. I know Pakistani girls married to Latin Muslim guys, Pakistani men married to American women etc. The point I am trying to get across is don't have the mentality that a person's ethnicity determines their outlook in life. These men should follow the rules for a Muslim marriage and if they truly loved you would stand up ot their parents

  3. well sister u r muslim and pure one all your sins washed so dont think u r full of sins u r liek a child innocent if u commit now sins this will build up so ask forgiveness and second if he wants to please his family then he first should tell his family dont look for girl he already have found they dont need to find and if it doesnt work then u be strong let him marry where his famiyl say and one day u will get more better muslim man than him i am 18 but dont tal kto girls becuz fellnig in love is noti slamic onlyfall in love with wife thats best no chance of heart broken etc also allah will be happy when he happy whole world happy

  4. RUN and dont look back! IF not your just doing to be more heart broken than you already are !

  5. Maybe I can help enlighten you since I am a white Christian and I dated a Pakistani for two years who is my best friend. We still care about one another and were always honest with one another. He had to do an arranged marriage and we finally had to face it, but he was always honest it would be that way. I have had my ups and downs with dealing with it all being Western, but I understand enough of his culture to realize that as the eldest son, he had to do what pleased his family. (his own younger brother found a love marriage that both families approved). He does have some culturally mixed marriages in his family, but I was unwilling to convert to Islam which would have helped our cause. The hardest part has been the 'what ifs', but let me tell you...we probably saved ourselves much heartache in the future even though it is hard to see that at the present time. We are now having to live with the decision we both made and it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I chose my beliefs over love...even though technically, Muslim men can marry Christians or Jews. He chose to make his family happy and now we are both unhappy. If he is going to have to marry another, please don't make the same mistake I did and still carry on until the point of heartbreak.

  6. Assalamo-Alaikum

    Hi, I am also a white revert and am in a similar situation to yourself except that the man in question in my case is a British born however with Pakistani descent. At the end of the day and the way i see it is, that you are a muslim and we are told to marry for deen, there is no mention of colour or culture. In an ideal world it wont matter unfortunately it does.

    I am in a very lucky position, as the gentlemen in question for me is very honourable and has every intention to marry me. The question of family response is going to be tricky for both of us. As my family come from a very strong and proud catholic western descent. As a result there will be anti elements in both of our families.

    You need to be honest with this gentleman and find out where you stand, and let him now your stance on the situation. The sooner you know the better, after all we should not really talk to men who aren't related to us, and if he doesnt have the correct intention then for your own sake you should end your friendship it will only break your heart

    If he does decide to marry you, no doubt it will be difficult. I dont know how many times muslims have told me that reverts never last and always go back. InshaAllah that will never happen, but i do think we as white reverts need to prove ourselves alot more.

    I hope it all works well, and what ever happens remember it will all be for the best.

  7. Salaam Sister, sorry to hear that you are in this predicament. It's not nice to be left heartbroken and no one wants to be in that situation. I have since come put of a divorce and it's has been really difficult but I'm getting there.

    Unfortunately these problems will always be prevelant but It's a misconception to merely blame mix marriages on only pakistanis.

    I have seen this ti be the case for some other races too, sub as somalian, Indian, chineese.

    Sometimes it's not that no one wants to tolerate mixed marriages but it's the fact that marrying from your own background seems to be easier and less of a headache.

    Don't worry dear sister, Allah swt will find a way out for you either way.

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