Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My 11 year old daughter has a crush

dad child

Father and Daughter

As a father, I dont know how to approach her on the subject and how to tell her right from wrong on these matters. I would appreciate some parenting advice on this matter.

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , ,

15 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    As a parent of an 11 year old myself, I can assure you that even though this is her first crush, surely there will be many more to come as she grows into an adult. Even though it is very difficult to draw boundary lines of "right and wrong" about feelings children get as they enter puberty, Islam is pretty clear on how such feelings are to be managed.

    I'm sure as a father you might feel a little apprehension about your daughter's feelings and what they potentially can do to complicate her (and your) life. Please be assured that having a crush is normal, being attracted to others is normal and healthy, and feeling in "love" is a wonderful feeling given by Allah for us to enjoy within His guidelines. You can start by letting her know that you don't condemn or punish her for these natural experiences she is having when a crush comes along. You can also talk to her about how important it is for her to share with you anything she is comfortable about they boy she likes and how she feels about him.

    However, while these feelings are not haraam or forbidden, it is important to educate her that the feelings are only that, and as feelings they will come and go with time and circumstance. Because of this, it's important that you educate her by teaching the importance of not ACTING upon those feelings by doing haraam things such as trying to speak to boys unnecessarily or interact with them in ways other than defined by shariah. You can encourage her that at the right time (whichever time you decide to allow her to court for marriage) she can get to know boys under supervision with the goal of finding a lifelong mate. Remind her that the feelings we have when we have a crush should help us think about what kind of person that we want to spend the rest of our lives with; what kind of values and traits that person should have. If I were you, I would start teaching her what kind of person the Prophet SAWS advised men to be so she will know what kind of man she is worth having.

    One of the keys to successful parenting is good communication with your child. Take this opportunity to talk with her and share with her your experiences as a young man, what you learned from both your successes and your failures in this department. Ask her questions about what she "likes" in a boy, because that may become valuable information when the time comes for you to help her find a potential mate. Get to know who your daughter is becoming, and most importantly make the effort to spend more time with her as you are able (think date nights). I can tell you as a woman this will not only solidify her relationship with you, but it will model to her what type of behaviors and treatment she should expect from her future husband.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Amy, that was wonderful advice maashaAllah!

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Yeah, I totally agree. That was such a good advice. I'm a teenager myself and I would love to have someone like that to help me with my boy issues and issues in general

    • Salaams,

      who is this guy ? is he really perfect 4 her? is he musilm? is HE a good muslim? how old is he??
      does he have feeling 4 her?? do u no these things?? im 13... 2 years older than your daughte........
      just remeber boyfriends r haaram.x

  2. Assalamu alaykum Brother,

    Masha Allah, you got good advice from sister Amy. But what can you know from an 11 year old that will give you an idea for her future husband? Thats premature.

    As a father, you may take up the Qur'an, explain to her the narratives of the Qur'an of the Prophets and of Mariam (peace be upon her) the biggest example of chastity.

    You should explain to her the high morals these stories relate to kids and adults, you should slowly with passing time explain to her the limits of Allah, by the time children enter teenage age their grasping power increasing and so does their adaption to teachings - good or bad.

    Explain to her the importance of keeping good friends, how it helps one in life, in keeping one's focus on the goal of life, talk to her what she wants to do in academics, which subjects interest her, what can help her keep focus on her goal and which things help her get refreshed when she is bored.

    It is a slow process where you have to use your maturity and experience along with the knowledge you gained in life, combined with revelations of Allah to give her the best advices. Remember, parents or any one who cares can only give advice, to act upon it, is on the person taking advice. We cannot force and we cannot allow a total freedom, take a balanced approach with passing years.

    As far as having a crush is concerned, narrate to her the limits of Allah in a better way, in a way a child can understand that being a Muslim there are certain limits, which as sister Amy said, feelings should not be put in to further actions. It is upto you how well you explain it to her that we are answerable to Allah and girls and boys in Islam should keep a distance.

    11 year olds these days are fast growing than 11 year olds of previous years. Their exposure to the internet, tv and other media as well as to classmates and friends makes them curious about many things at one time. You should also explain to her about the good and the bad on internet and tv and that as Muslims we should fear Allah and abstain from it. You really have to take care of this part, as media has big influence on children as well as adults.

    Insha Allah, with your love and understanding and faith in Allah and her efforts, she will raise up as a responsible daughter. Do not worry brother, pray to Allah that He guards her.

    I am a guy, unmarried, 23, but when I see little girls, I do begin to think how they will grow up, then face teenage, then see the changes a woman undergoes, then a world around her of boys and men, many evil, will she be able to gaurd herself. But then I trust Allah, that yes, whosoever is good, Allah will guard her Insha Allah.

    If due to my inexperience in parenting a child I said anything wrong, please forgive me.

    May Allah keep your family in peace, in dunya and in aakhirah.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

  3. Salaam

    Aww brother! She is still a child Mashallah, therefore if she has shared a childhood crush, there is no need to be worried! I remember my little sister telling me she liked someone, at the age of 13. I was a bit taken, but played a responsible role and just made du'a.
    I may not be a mother, but to my sister I have always been like a mum, (may Allah grant my Mother in Junnah, Ameen) and the best way to talk to her is to be relaxed and just raise the subject while talking about school. Remember, have no strict face on, as she will be afraid and probably hide something. Inshallah, I'm sure she is a good girl and will get over him in a couple of weeks! Never fail in telling her that education is key, especially for women in all societies.

    I hope this has helped đŸ™‚

    Salaam,
    Sister Miriam

  4. i dont have a daughter, but i have too many younger sisters.

    wallaahi, the only advice i could give is that you have mercy on this little girl, meaning you teach her good manners and teach her the religion, everry aspect of it.

    be a complete role model for her, speak to her nicely, joke with her alot, play with her physically and dont ever yell/shout/beat her.
    rectify her mistakes in a cool manner.

    ask for her advice in big matters so she gains confidence and becomes mature much earlier.

    let her listen to your conversations with grown ups, so she walks and talks like a grown up herself.

    give her a kunya which she likes, Umm 'Aaishah, Umm 'Abdullaah etc and tell her the responsibility this title means/carries.and call her by this kunyah sometimes.

    make lots of du'aa for her as the du'aa of the parent for his child is NEVER ever rejected in the sight of Allaah.

    introduce her to the hijaab, buy her a small jilbaab and tell her how beautifull she looks and praise her alot.

    and inshaallaah, when you become her best friend instead of friends at school, and show her what she should expect of a future husband, and thus, inshaallaah, she will know the right person for her through you, and overlook/ignore all others.

    Allaah ma'ak.

    • Masha´Allah, what a beautiful reply. Thank you very much for sharing your soft heart.

      MarĂ­a
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalam O Alaikum Abu-az-Zubyr,
      Wow, what a wonderful advice you gave brother, really heart-touching; I myself could never have said better. However, may I suggest something if you don't mind; I am not picking up on you but bro; I will be a little un-comfortable to tell a girl at this age about what to expect from her future husband. She will understand that maybe in mid teens like 15/16 (as generally girls start thinking about their own famlies, house, husband etc etc but definitely all) but I guess she is quite young for that as yet; such a little pure soul and mind. Everything else is brilliantly awesome:)

      Wasalam,
      Muhammad1982:)

      • brother, doesnt sex education start at the age of 7 for muslims.

        because when you seperate a boy and his sister from sleeping in the same bed, that is a form of sex education.

        remeber as well that mother of believers 'Aaishah [ra] was in a full marital [sexual] relationship with the prophet[saww] at this age.
        not only that, but at this same age, she was a master in helping people solve marital preoblems according to what she saw of him [saww].

  5. I like Amy's post. Please teach her that she should save herself for marriage. However, if you live in the west, know that eventually, whether you like it or not, your child WILL mingle with the other sex. By mingle I mean talk/hangout, not necessarily boyfriend/girlfriend. This is good. Children need to learn how to interact and socialize; things that will help them later in life. Isolation is bad. Let her be a kid, and having "the talk" when she gets a little older should help as well.

  6. Salaams,is haram to have a crush ? xx

    • oh yeah you said it isnt x

      • Salaams little sister Ayesha,
        I hope you are doing fine Insha Allah. If you are reading this, please visit this website below regarding hijab. I hope this will help you insha Allah. A lot of sisters of all age have posted their stories regarding their struggles, chaallenges and difficulties when they started wearing one. I am sure they will help you and may be you can communicate with them via e-mail:). If this helped you then pray for me and other brothers and sisters because you are still innocent and Allah (swt) will not return your prayers:)

        http://www.igotitcovered.org

        Waslaam,
        Your bro,
        Muhammad1982:)

        Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  7. Aoa

    You should start teaching her about puberty as you go on in the topic talk about a different topic everyday and soon come to a place where you tell her about girlfriend boyfriend relationship in islam this is really a very important part in everyone persons life my christian friend has a girlfriend and they have already done the act but i cannot say anything to him because he is my friend and i do not want my friend ship to end

Leave a Response