Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My adult son punched his father, and now their relationship is suffering

My husband can't forgive my son for punching him

My son who is 22 years old hit and punched my husband because my husband was asking him to go with him to a funeral and he didn't wanted to go. I was not at home at that time.

Since then my husband hates him and would like to kick him out of the house. Please let me know what should I do?My husband's friends advised him that he should kick my son out of the house and it is I who have spoiled my son and encouraged him to hit him.

My son is ready to do anything to apologize and get his forgiveness.

Please help us with what should we do to help my husband forgive my son?

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13 Responses »

  1. SultanaFatima, Asalaamualaykum,

    It seems that there may be some deeper rooted issues between your son and your husband, otherwise why would your son resort to 'punching' over what 'appears' to be a seemingly small matter. If it was completely out of character for your son to become violent and it he has never behaved violent or ill mannered before, why would your husband be so unwilling to forgive him?

    There must be some underlying issues here which you have not mentioned here Sister. Before, forgiveness, comes communication. So as you know best what is going on, perhaps you need to take on the grizzly task of encouraging both your husband and your son to lay the cards on the table and sort out their differences - for your sake as they are both very dear to you. If that doesnt work, maybe your son moving out is not such a bad idea.

    Having said that, perhaps it would be better if we could have a male perspective on this matter; as I know us women like to 'talk' and 'understand'. I do not see what other way there is other than talking. Telepathy, punching, ignoring, hmm? Hopefully a man will write in and enlighten us.

    SisterZ Editor

  2. I think that your son punching/hitting your father is a BIG BIG thing. He must have had anger issues for a while now to actually go to the level of hitting his father. I'm not sure what you're scared of, him being kicked out or the fact that he has actually physically hurt your husband/his father.
    There needs to be consequences, and you need to get him some help. This is your kid, you need to get him some counseling or something so that his bad behavior doesn't affect his life. He can get fired from a job, divorced from his wife, have his kids taken away, or end up in legal trouble in the future. Help him now. Talking will not help too much as their has been trouble brewing for a long, long time.
    And don't think that you're saved. I know a mother who actually is so overprotective of her sons (and abusive to daughters and husband by the way) that she verbally abuses the husband to support her physically violent son. Example; if the son yells at the father/disobeys, and the father is being angry, she will say ,"father is just being a baby". I have seen many instances where she supported her son and verbally abused the one who was physically abused by him (like her daughter/his sister) and where she takes the son's side and verbally abuses/intimidates the husband (his father). So how could the boy have developed respect for his sister or father? Or anybody.
    And guess what happened? This very same Queen(mother) who sides with this son and supports his abuse was one day harmed by the same son. She was in his room and he locked the door, and all we heard was screaming from her. I don't know if he raped her or hit her, or what he did. And she still supports her son.
    My daughter is calling me, I'll finish later.

  3. Salaam,

    May Allah guide this rebellious young man onto the righteous path.

    I say you throw him out. Here we see an example of a boy who had no excuse to do what he did, punch your own father? Does Hell not await anyone who disrespects their parents in this way.

    I say it's too late, the damage has been done, throw him out. He's 22, let him find his feet in the world, see how long he lasts using that fist of his.

    Your husband and his friends are right, he needs to be thrown out, no compassion should be shown in a case like this.


    • Mohammed,

      Treating harshness with harshness is not usually ever a solution.

      A little wisdom, some communication, some love and some understanding would go very far indeed.

      SisterZ Editor

  4. Assalamu'alaikum,

    There is no question that what your son has done is wrong. Putting your hands on anyone in that manner is not acceptable. Below are some questions you should be asking yourself.

    1) Have there been problems between your husband and son in the past?

    2) Does your son have anger problems?

    3) Does your husband have anger problems?

    4) Have you noticed any changes in your sons mood lately?

    Before you decide to kick your son out of the house you need to find a way to get both of them to sit down to discuss the cause of this action. It's difficult for me to understand why your son would hit his father because he was asked to go to a funeral. It just doesn't make sense. There are some underlying issues going on that you have not mentioned.

    All of you must address what is happening within your family. If your family fails to address this collectively it is guaranteed that there will be a larger fitnah and your family will be split. If that happens you will be in the middle trying to figure out what happened and it may be too late to bring both of them together.

    Ask your son to make tawbah. Then he must ask his father for forgiveness. That is the first step. You might try asking your local Imam to come and speak to them.

    Please ask Allah(swt) to guide you. Keep us informed. If you have additional questions please write again.

    Your Brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali Editor

  5. nice answers.
    i don't remember what i wanted to say.
    all i can say is sorry for your husband blaming you if you are innocent. i know men can be weird sometimes.
    i hope your issues with your son get resolved. i hope he is a good boy just going through a rough time.

  6. Bismihi Ta’ala

    As Salaam mu alaikum Wa rahmatulla

    Dear Sister

    Alhamdulillah your son has acknowledged his wrong and I think that he should go to his dad and ask for sincere forgiveness and he should also ask Allah to forgive him for the shameful act that has taken place also explain to your son that should his father curse him Allah forbid his curse will come true and as we know Nabi S.A.W has informed us when a father makes dua for a son then the dua is readily accepted also explain to him that our beloved Nabi S.A.W stated the key to jannah lies under the feet of one’s father and Jannah lies under the feet of one’s mother

    Allah Ta’ala is most forgiving and does not take us to task every time we make a mistake Allah gives us time to repent and ask for forgiveness (I am not saying that the act your son did is a minor issues no it is something of great concern as he will be getting married soon inshallah and we don’t want him to abuse his wife every time he gets angry etc.. Allah forbid

    Look at the life of our beloved Nabi S.A.W

    Habar bin Aswad the cousin of Zainuib R.A seen Zainuib R.A leaving Mecca knowing that this is the daughter of Nabi .S.A.W took a spear and pierced the Mubarak body of Zanuib R .A who at that time was pregnant fell of her camel killing the grand child of our Nabi S.A.W instantly and injuring Zanuib R.A as she was going to Medina to stay with Nabi S.A.W

    She is then brought back to Mecca stabilized and after a few days is sent to Medina after reaching Medina few days later due to the injury caused she passed away Nabi S.A.W was extremely upset and lowed her with his own hands into the grave

    Later on Nabi S.A.W issues a statement saying that where ever Habar is seen he should be killed. Habar Coming to know of this leaves Mecca as he knows he is not safe anymore he then goes to Medina and enters Masjid un Nabwi S.A.W Sahabba draw their swords and are about to behead him Nabi S.A.W stops them and Habar comes to Nabi S.A.W AND TELLS HIM I HAVE HEARD YOU A VERY FORGIVING AND KIND MAN PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE NABI S.A.W LOWERS HIS HEAD GAINS HIS COMPOUSURE AND THEN LIFTS HIS HEAD AND FORGIVES HIM

    Habar then accepts Islam Nabi S.A.W tells him I have forgiven you you are free to go and you have my guarantee that no one will hurt you

    Look at the kindness of our most Beloved Nabi S.AW. the person that murdered his daughter he too is forgiven

    Getting back to the topic about your son

    Kicking him out right now would not be a good idea as we all know he will not be able to survive on the outside world all by himself and the stress that you as a mom would go through not knowing if your son is ok or not will make you sick, worried and depressed

    After your son has asked for forgiveness then your husband needs to explain to his son should this event ever take place again he will be kicked out of the house

    So get someone that your son is comfortable talking to and let your son explain to that person what drove him to a fit of rage to hit his dad he should do this on a one on one bases and then take the matter to his dad and try to find the underlining problem for your sons behaviour like Sister Z has mentioned

    Wa salaam mu alikum wa rahmatulla
    A brother in islam

  7. I think what you son did was terribly wrong. No matter what the situtation you dont punch you father its damn disrespectfull! However i think it good he realises his mistake and he should ask forgiveness from both All swt and his father. But sister please be patient with your husband aswell, i can understand what he would be going though, its hard to accept when ur own child does something like that to you. i pray to Allah to bring peace and harmony to your home!! INSHALLAH!

  8. Eh, depends on the context. It's normal for guys to fight and if your husband was antagonizing him enough, I don't think it is a big deal. Though the way you described it, he hit him because he didn't want to go to a funeral, sounds extremely immature.

  9. The issue is not only with your child's actions (which are totally wrong), but also the method of communication that happens in your home in general. Address the communication issues first. The tone of ones voice, the foul language (if any) and the level of deen should all be reviewed. By showing your son that you and your husband are on the same side reinforces your leadership in your home.

    Family violence breeds violence. Did your husband hit him throughout his life? Maybe you need to find the root of all this anger in your child. There is no excuse for your sons actions. But if your husband did smack him around then let your son know that he is no different now. He is also a bully, bullying his own dad. Rub it in, and let him feel the shame a bit.

  10. When growing up we all have anger too deal with.. especially boys. Your husband should understand that and understand that ...

    I once kickeed my mum when i was younger when i didnt want to do something... i felt so bad afterwards.... but you learn and move on...

    loved ones should forgive and allow u to grow not to hold it against you forever.... IF your son is truley sorry and feels awful then u as a mother should make him feel bad for what he done but also get your husband to forgive

    In the end its always the mother that keep the peace.

  11. Asalam alaikum brothers and sisters:

    Unfortunately, in this day and age, young adult children still living at home have both feet inside and outside the home. For one, they financially benefit by staying at home and secondly, they still want their independence.

    However, if the young adult child is showing signs of behavioral problems, outbursts, anger, and physical violence towards a parent, I agree with Sister Z. There are definitely deeper rooted issues. If the child suffered trauma, for example, he or she has not been able to deal with it appropriately since that time. Another example are the following:
    -parents divorcing/divorced
    -struggling academically, etc.

    Anything that they have not been able to deal from the past appropriately is causing them to behave this way.

    Living in North America is not easy as a parent or concerned party cannot "force" a young adult child to attend counselling. What you can do as a parent or concerned party is to have an intervention. You may want to consult with a family mediator and a psychotherapist before pursuing this venue so you are better prepared to overcome objections.

    Wa salaam mu alaikum wa rahmatulla
    Sister Sofia

  12. He done it once trust me he will do it a mother and a wife your stuck in between both..but remember he can do it to u now a days are not yours..may Allah solve your problems ask ur husband to forgive him...but also remember it will be your husband with you for ever ...
    Not kids now a days
    Allah ap ki mushkil ahsaan kare...ameen

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