Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My boyfriend was on drugs and is now violent as I cheated on him

love drugs addiction


I firstly want to thank anyone that does take the time to read the situation that i am currently facing and i am even more grateful if anyone steps foward to advise me.

I have been in a relationship that is hitting 2 years and no, unfortunatley we are not married which is forbiden in islam which is one of the many reasons i am here. My other half is a muslim brother which i am thankful for however, i have gotten too close to him over the passed two years and i have infact lost my virginity with him which i am punishing myself over as it is a big sin in islam.

Ever since I have lost myself-the person I once was and only i can answer to Allah (swt) for this sin.  He has also put me through a rough 2years as he confessed later on in the relationship that he is a drug abuser knowing that this is not the type of man i ever wanted to fall for. Sleepless nights would pass as i wudnt know where he is late night and he would often come home to call and confess he has intoxicated himself with either alcohol or weed which would hurt me really badly. I used to advise him not to do this as it is affecting the loved ones around him and that he will sooner or later have to commit to me as i want a husband that does not do such a thing.

I explained the islamic reasons for this but he'd end up swearing at me as he confired that he is going to find it in himself to quit and he does not know when this will be but i would have to deal with it. Even when my family had found out about me and him and after i had stood up for him he took this for advantage even more. This is when our relationship went downfall.

About 4-5months later i decided to put my foot down about this issue and told him that i would leave him for good if this does not stop and masha-Allah he totally cut the intoxications out. However , after this i did not feel anything but hatred for him after he put me through all the pain and suffering. I lost interest and that is when he started realising so that is he got this 'paranoia' that i was cheating on him which made him quite aggressive towards me. He'd compalin that i do not do enough for him when i am always there for him. I gave him all my time which affected things with my family and friends. Recently we had an argument about what he does for me and what i do not do. He ended up hitting me which he states was an accident. I broke up with him as i feared that this may happen to me in the future.

We had broken up fr over a month and not being with him was a great pain that was hard to deal with. He was also suffering and was damaged after this break up and totally corrupted. He started to tell people about our private business as he 'had no one to turn to' and this got me really weak as i felt like i could not walk out of my house.

I started seeking comfort in another man which was uncalled for. I know i shouldn't have made this move but i stupidly thought if the person i was deeply in love with couldn't treat me right then i will look for someone who will and someone who will treasure me. He sooner or later found out i was seeking comfort in another man and he hit the roof!! things got messy and i realised i was doing wrong so i stoped contacting my 'comforter'.

I feel so messed up as i am back with the one i have been with for 2years and he is very hurt with what i have caused. i feel like everthing is my fault and i do not want to be here as ive lost every good in me. One last thing is that my family has changed their mind about him epecially my mum. My mum was always against him as she believed that i am not in safe hands with him. The reason behind this is becuase his family members are ex convicts including him and his father. I have met his family and they seem to be making up for their past and nothing is my other half's fault.

What should i do? There is so much more to this. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

3 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum Muslimah81,

    Let´s begin from the beginning, you sign as muslimah and you are doing consciously what you are doing, I don´t see a sign of not wanting to do what you are doing, I cannot say anything to you that you don´t really know. What I can show you are steps to try to be your best and encourage you to do it. You have a strong influence in your boyfriend, he may listen to you if you return to the Straight Path and you begin from the beginning, insha´Allah.

    1. Repenting for what you have done from the depths of your Heart, gushl and tawtbah, pray the salat and I encourage you to read the Quran, the life of the Prophet(pbuh) and the names of Allah(swt). Ask for Forgiveness to Allah(swt). May Allah show the you the Light in your Path to become the best you can be, insha´Allah.

    2. No dating, no sexual intimacy until you get married.

    3. Be conscious of your strong influence in your boyfriend, do it for good in all senses, talk to him about the Straight Path and be an example to follow to him and as I see for many around you, you have a big responsibility as a conscious muslimah, you are awake and people listen to you.

    4. I see you as an extremly strong woman that needs to return to the Straight Path, please, go to Allah(swt) in complete surrendering and ask Him for guidence and courage to be the woman you are called to be in this Life, there is nobody else like you in this worl, and, for sure, you can make a difference, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    Islamic Editor.

  2. Muslimaah81,

    Sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing. I agree with everything Maria has said and just want to add the following.

    You seem to be addicted to being 'in love' or being in a 'relationship' - whatever type of relationship this maybe. You have a gap in your life which you want to fill with a man, hence you leave one bad relationship and fall into another terrible one. You are sinning and causing harm to no-one but yourself. From your own admission, you have started feeling hatred towards the man you have been with for two years so the only thing making you want to stay with him is the habit of having him around. What have you lost through this haraam relationship? Lets look at the facts, you:

    1. Are in a haraam relationship with a drugs abuser
    2. Have been physically abused by someone you think loves you, so your idea of 'love' has become distorted
    3. Have lost your virginity
    4. Hence, you have lost your identity as a Muslim woman, your sanity and dignity and throughout all this you have severed your connection with Allah(swt) immensely and damaged your soul.

    So what have you currently gained? Nothing.


    Wake up time!

    Sister, you can continue this way if you want to, but very soon you will end up completely losing your Islamic awareness, your heart will harden and you will be in a fully fledged abusive and haraam relationship with a drugs abuser. Furthermore, you may end up being permanently or seriously physically damageg by him or even killed because when someone is under the influence of drugs they become capable of committing the most henious of crimes as they lose their sanity. So you can continue displeasing Allah for the sake of a man and your polluted love and in doing so, remember the punishment that awaits ahead in the Hereafter. OR, you can stop right here, right now and change your direction. Of course it will be difficult, because the way back up after falling becomes steep, but we become stronger along the way back up and it can be good for us, if we persevere.

    I do not believe you are strong enough to choose a good marriage partner in the state that you are in, so instead of thinking:

    '... Oh I love him, oh I miss him, oh the pain of not being with him, I want to be with him forever, I... I... I...' If you truly want to love yourself, you will care for you soul and hereafter and you will think:

    'I need to mend my relationship with Allah, my Protector, my Sustainer, my Creator. I need to purify my soul and straighten my eemaan. Oh the pain of fire in the Hereafter, it'll be so intense. No, I want Jannah, not Jahannam, Astagfirullah! Rabbana Aatina Fidunya, Hasanatan Waafil Akhiraati Hasanatan Wakina Adhabanaar!'. O’ Allah! Our Sovereign Lord, grant us good in this world and the world hereafter and protect us. from the torment of hell!

    How can you do this:

    1. Immediately move away from your boyfriend: Living with and having sexual relations with a non-mahram is a major sin: Allah warns us against coming anywhere near to zina in Surah Al-Isra, Verse 32! "And come not near to the unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a Fahishah [i.e. anything that transgresses its limits (a great sin)], and an evil way (that leads one to Hell unless Allah forgives him)." Furthermore, the Prophet (saw) said: "No adulterer is a believer at the time when he is committing adultery." Narrated by Al-Bukhaari (2475) and Muslim (57). Your boyfriend will try to stop you through telling you that he loves you, or that he will change. So fine - tell him 'Go ahead and do what you have to do to change, but I no longer want to live a haraam lifestyle and furthermore I do not want to live with a man who takes drugs and abuses me. I want to repent for my sins and I want to purify myself and want Allah to be happy with me. I will think about marriage when I am stronger - Goodbye'. If it is possible for you to move back in with your mother/family, this would be better for you, so atleast you have some to question you about where you are going and what you are doing, in case you start slipping again.

    2. Remember Death: Allah warns us in the Quran in Surah As-Sajdah, Verse 11: "...The Angel of Death, who is set over you, will take your souls, then you shall be brought to your Lord". Sister, what if your soul is taken when you are having indulging in haraam relations?! There are angels who torture the wrongdoers at the time of death: "If only you could see, when the angels take the souls of those who disbelieve, the angels are beating their faces and their backs", (Qur'an Surah Al-Kahf, Verse 50)

    3. Realise the severity of your sin and do Tawbah: Allah (swt) says in the Quran in Surah 39, Verse 53 "Say: Oh my servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the mercy of Allah, for Allah forgives all sins; for He is oft-Forgiving, most Merciful." “Allaa-humma Innee Zalamtu Nafsee Zulman Kaseeran wa Innahu Laa Yaghfiruz-Zunooba Illaa Anta Faghfirlee Maghfiratam Min ‘Indika Warhamnee Innaka Antal Ghafoorur Raheem.“
    O’ Allah! I have oppressed my soul and undoubtedly there is no forgiver of sins but You alone. O’ Allah! Forgive me and have mercy on me. Undoubtedly, You are the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.

    4. Read about the lives of the Prophet(saw) and his marriages and his relationships with his wives. When you read these, you will come to learn about the beauty and serenity you will achieve if you avoid haraam relations and work towards having only pure ones. Allah will put Baraqah/blessings in your life and you will grow closer to him. Whoever we choose for marriage should be someone who we feel Allah is pleased with, someone who has good manners, is striving to be pious, is gentle and God Fearing and will help you establish a home based on Islamic etiquettes and worship of Allah. The relationship you are currently in is harmful to your soul and will give you nothing but more pain and heartache.

    So far, you have only 'lost' due to this relationship, but if you work at re-focussing your direction towards worshipping Allah and not your own whims and desires, you could actually end up gaining alot. This difficult time of your life could end up becoming the catalyst that pushed you to change your direction completely by improving and bettering yourself.

    Without Allah you have nothing, but if you have Allah, you have everything.

    The choice is yours sister.

    SisterZ Senior Editor

  3. Assalamu alaikum dear sister.

    You have mentioned that he has been aggressive to you in the past. I just wanted to add that if you honestly feel that telling you're boyfriend that you are leaving is going to make him angry, wait till he's not around and take what you need with you (necessary papers and documents) and go.

    If you can't move in with your parents again, then there are organisations which can help you with accomadation. There are options, so dont make excuses or get cold feet. You can do this - this is what you need to do. And by writing on here - Allah is opening a door for you to move away from this lifestyle of sinning. As sister z said you are damaging yourself. I urge you to take this opportunity & make the right choice. All is not lost, Allah is merciful dear sister - so repent sincerely and make amends.

    Also DONT make the mistake of looking for a comforter, or rebounding. You will miss your ex and it will take time but finding someone else or chatting to someone else is NOT going to help. By doing this, you are making yourself vulnerable, committing more sin and it wont make you happy.

    Leave. Be strong. Dont look back. Repent. Start doing your salat if you dont already. Ask Allah swt to give you strength to stay away from such things. From now on keep away from guys, keep all contact within islamic guidelines. No more casual friendships or chatting. No getting to know each other. If you do find someone your interested in - involve families straight away. NEVER EVER BE ALONE WITH A GUY - SHAYTAAN IS 3RD

    I also think it may be good for you to consider counselling. As sis Z mentioned your attitude towards relationships is unhealthy and needy. It may be good for you to understand yourself and how you can improve this. Try to get a muslim counsellor if you can.

    Whats missing in your life that you feel you hav to fill it with so called "love" from a guy? The likely answer: deen

    "Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest!"
    Quran Surah 13 :The Thunder, 28th verse

    Please ponder the verse above

    If you need anymore advice, please feel free to write on here on one of our editors will help you InshaAllah
    May Allah swt give you the strength to make the right choice.
    Sara Editor

Leave a Response