I just found out that my brother is gay and I can’t handle it
Alhamdulillah I am a Muslim and so is my brother. We come from a Muslim family with good values. I am facing a great problem in life. My brother is 3 yrs younger than me, he is 30 now and until now he has been a great brother and son. He is not married, lives in America and does a very respectable job. I live here in uk.
I have recently found out that my brother is practicing homosexuality and started to drink alcohol. This was very devastating for me. I could not believe what I found out. I can't explain what I am going through, all sorts of emotions are there, anger, fear, break of trust, feeling worthless, the hard work of bringing him up and then him going down the drain, hopeless, you name it and I am feeling it. I am very worried about his dunya and akhira now. This is a grave sin indeed.
I tried to talk to him about this both nicely and calmly and also with anger and tears. He did listen but I think that was just to hush me away. I tried to speak to him again but he very clearly asked me to stay away from his matters, not to interfere in his life and rather to pay attention to myself as he thinks it's me who need a counceller as he suggests that it's me who is depressed and lonely and without a boyfriend or husband.
I am still talking to him as it keeps the door open for dialogue. I have done a bit of internet research on this subject and found websites about this issue which have scientific evidence that people are not born this way and of ways to overcome this problem. I have send him links to this website. I have also send him link to Islamic websites where he can discuss his problem. But I don't think he has looked at them, he just asked me to send it to him so that I can shut up. As next time I asked him if he found them useful, he just asked me to leave him alone.
I am very depressed because of this. I don't know how to deal with this whole situation. I am praying to Allah to give me and him wisdom and hidayah.
I have always taken care of my brother as my son. Seeing him spoiling his dunya and akhira like this is just tearing my heart away. I don't know whether to feel sorry for him or for myself.
Please advise me and help me.
I don't know whether I should keep reminding him that what he is doing is a sin (as I am afraid that he might altogether stop talking to me) or just make dua for him or write him a letter?
Please advise me and help me. Even when I am writing this letter tears are rolling down my face. Please tell me clearly how I should advice what method I should choose.
I love my brother and I know he loves me and cares for me as well.
May Allah forgive all of us.
Your sister in Islam.
- friend
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Dear friend, As-salamu alaykum.
Please read the advice that sister Leyla (one of our esteemed editors) gave to this person:
Fiancé Wants to be a Lesbian
Even though your situation is different (it's your brother, not a fiance, and he is male not female), still I feel the advice is applicable.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam my Sister,
I am sorry for this pain that you are experiencing. Islam is very clear on this topic, so I won't write here and point out the obvious which all who are reading, know very well I am sure.
It is difficult for gay men, as they feel no arousal around women: only men. It is hard for a man to be with a woman when his body refuses to function around her. This is a tough situation for them, and whilst there have been some men on record who have changed back to being straight - it is a hard slog with serious investment required on behalf of the man to change this once it has been set into motion. It would have been difficult for your brother to come to terms with himself and it would have been difficult for him to tell you also.
What is more important is what you are going through and how you will get through it with minimal emotional damage. First and foremost you must recognise that his choices in his life have nothing to do with you. He is a grown man now and able to make his own choices, and so this decision of his is not a reflection on you as a sister or as the woman that raised him. He has been an adult for over 10 years now and is fully capable of making decisions. Unfortunately in this world that we live in, sin is everywhere and many fall - but it does not mean the end for them and it most certainly does not mean the end for you.
The second important thing is related in the hadith in which a man enquired: 'O Messenger of Allah (pbuh) , I may help him when he is wronged, but how can I help him when he is a wrong-doer? ' The Prophet (pbuh) said ' You can prevent him from wrong-doing. That will be your help to him' (Bukhari and Muslim). The reason I am relating this for you is to let you know that your brother's lifestyle and choices does not in any way mean that you cannot be a sister to him, or that you cannot help him, guide him and be a part of his life (if that is what you wish).
It is difficult for gay men to come clean, and your brother would have gone through a deep internal battle before deciding to tell you when he knew you would be crushed by it. As awful as this experience is for you, what you can see in it is that he clearly trusts your love for him, and clearly respects you: as he has chosen to be honest with you.
It is natural for you to feel the emotions that you are experiencing, but you must remember that this is not about you: this is about him, so I want you to work hard at being proactive in your attitude. Do not stop and start feeling sorry for yourself, you are still able, with eyes, ears and lips ad so is your brother. Everything in this life is a temporary state - each moment passing with it's own set of blessings and tests for us. Your brother may change, he may want to change, or he may not want to change at all: it's up to him what he does. The most that you can do for him is be there as a window to Iman, a reminder of deen and piety.
His actions should not remove your focus. If you cut off from him, you will never be able to have any access to him, and you may feel heartbroken - but this is not a time to fall apart and cry, but rather a time to demonstrate the virtues of Islam, of Nasiha, of being a reminder and an advisor to him.
It may be better for now to leave the subject of his sexuality alone. It is possible that your brother is a very good man who is also gay, or it may be that your brother is a bad person who is gay - his sexual preference is a battle of his own nafs that he must fight alone. His homosexuality is major sin, but no one knows the weight of their scales, and so we must continue to be the best kind of people that we can be, and guide and pray for those who go astray.
One thing I can tell you for certain, is that you will never be able to help him if you cut him off completely. If you feel that your brother is a good man, making a grave mistake - then stay in touch with him, pray for him and represent Islam to him in your love, support and advice. Maybe it would be a good idea to take some time away from him to decide for yourself what is more important - your brothers sexuality, or your relationship with him and then go with what you think is best - preserve your relationship so that you can still have him in your life, and still be in his life - or cut him off because you can't take it. Whichever action you take, your brother will still be gay until he changes - so there is no point in behaving like the world is over: because it will not change your brother's life choices.
I by no means am saying: "accept homosexuality" - no. What I am saying is that your brother's sexuality is a part of his life - and not a representation of him, and his whole being, and not a representation of you as a sister or the way that you raised him.
He needs you now, whether he says it or not, and your job or role in his life as his sister doesn't end when he makes a bad choice - it's for life. This is the world that we live in, and these are the tests that are laid upon us to cope with.
InshaAllah, you will find the strength in you to continue being who you are, and representing the right road to him. If, on the other hand, his behaviours and habits become too awful to bear, and you cannot stand to be around him: then gently and gradually distance yourself from his company in peace and blessings.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers.
I disagree, homosexuality IS a representation of a person. It affects their whole character and being gay is a way of life. It is an identity and that identity cannot co-exist with the identity of a Muslim.
Look at how homosexuals parade their perverse nature, and how easy they are to identify on account of how they present themselves.
If one continually behaves in a certain way, that behaviour becomes part of them. Just as someone who repeatedly tells lies, would be described as a liar. Or someone who sleeps around would be described as promiscous.
This is a western excuse for gays, that their homosexuality doesn't define who they are, well it does.
Someone being gay is their whole being. This kind of excuse wears down the seriousness of this sin. This is how the West came to wholeheartedly embrace homosexuality.
Even if the brother is otherwise 'good', his gay antics cancel out any good deeds. It cannot be acceptable that he performs his salaat, then engages intimately with another man.
I am impressed by your advice.
As a person with similar inclinations, I am touched by your degree of empathy. May you continue to remain the Editor of this Site.
I don't think it is necessary to condone sin to express your understanding of what people are going through.
For clarification purposes, I am a believer of sexuality being a product of ones experiences and not a birth right. In other words, people are neither born gay nor straight. The curve of sexual development is of various stages - it starts from curiousity and heads towards attraction and finally desire. It is not possible for one to become curious or attracted to what he or she already is, unless certain "experiences" at a tender age establish an element of "curiousity" - that is when the curve can take a U-turn. These experiences can be as subtle as a stranger of the same gender giving you a kiss -anything that makes the child feel a degree of intimacy, however slight, from an unexpected source.
The end result is a sexuality that is as deep and profound like any other.
For naturists, they should know that such inclination has been observed in over a 150 species of animals and probably exists in more. Animals have close to a 60% chance of becoming alternative in this way. For theologians, they should note that all the scriptures recognize this as a part of human nature - for if it is acknowledged as a sin, then it is a part of the human psyche.
Do these facts make it right? No. They do not. But please remember, asking an alternative person to change is as hard as to make a straight person become alternative.
I hope with this data in mind you will be able to better appreciate the gravity of the situation.
People assume that because it is a sin, then this sexuality must be a matter of personal choice, for God would not prohibit or make something unlawful if it was a part of the human body or mind.
asalamalaikum,
it was a much awaited reply.thank you. i have read the advice above.
it is very dificult for me to emotionally shut down completely. I cant leave him on his own.i will try one moe time by writing to him as i cant talk because i become tooooo emotional , but i guess if he is not listening than i am helpless. ofcourse all of this has had a massive impact on my life and personality.i have lost faith in every thing .i always believed that good intentions and hard work never goes to waist but i guess this not true anymore .it is vey difficult for me to pull myself together. iam hopefull that in the month of ramadan Allah will have mercy on me and him.inshallah.
i will try to follow the advice.
thanks once gain.
jazakallah khair.
friend.
HI, I JUST found out my brother gay. i'm the only one who knows. he didnt tell me i founf pictures . if my parents would ever fine out i know for sour they would get really sick and something could happen they did everything for him he is 29 now and i just dont know what to do i know my dad would go nut im mean nut i know he will get very sick i think that my brother hangs out with people how tell him its ok its who you are and when you are around people like that you feel like its true and its ok im diein inside and i dont know what to do i also fear he would kill himself what do i do
Liz, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salam liz,
sorry i just today read your post. my dear sister , when i found out i was in pieces as well. i still am. but i have learned to live with it. i cried, lost weight, prayed, fought with my brother, shouted at him, wrote to him, spoke with love, but noting changed the truth i had to face. i then realized that all iam doing is hoping this is not true but iam better off facing the fact that my brother is gay and for now he is quite detterment to stay as one.
my dear sister first of all look after yourself. its good that you have come to this website . sharing helps.
secondly , if you know about someones weakness , best is to keep it under cover . telling your parents will only hurt them. as for your brother ,honestly i dont know whats the right approach . i just thought that saying something to him is better than staying silent, may be he will think about it in the years to come. now brother hardly speaks to me. i stil call him he only says few words. he was someone i spoke out my heart to. anyway now i pray for him and thats all in my hands.
think very carefully before you speak to him or any one else. dont tell any of your friends, perhaps strangers on this website are more of help. look after yourself first, learn to deal with it with yourself first, dont worry about what your brother is upto, i used to think the same that he might commit suicide etc, but make dua for him and yourself that may Allah guide you and him.
if he is hiding it then may be its good that atleast he knows that it will hurt you. my brother did not even want to hide he wants me to accept him the way he is and that iam old fashioned thats why i speak about religion and stuff.
look after yourself my dear sister, it is very heart breaking but Allah always help. if there is any thing i can do , even being a listener , iam more than happy to.
friend.
By Shaykh Yasser Qadhi
http://muslimmatters.org/2009/04/13/dealing-with-homosexual-urges/
asalamalaikum,
thank you Leyla for such a detailed reply. i am so relieved that someone has understood my feelings. i have been trying my best to keep relations with my brother as unprovoked by anger as possible. so i dont talk to him when iam at my most emotional but at other times i try to keep things as normal as possible. i will write to him about this matter as i want him to know that im not being judgemental about him but i m also dutiful to guide him and advice him if i find something is harmful.( i have told him all this verbally before)
i somehow feel very guilty about it and feel that i am somehow responsible for it but at the same time i also know that there is nothing i could have done to make things change. i did what i could to support him to the best of my ability.
iam so grateful to Allah that i found this platform where i can discuss and get advice.
most of the people dont need to be told that what is wrong or right but they want to know how to act or react in their situations. i tried talking to muslim scholars in UK (people i thought would know more about problems faced by men in society) about advice ,all they said was ,this is a grave sin , people of Lut died because of it and families like yours pay attention to higher studies but not deen(which is not true) and that we come to countries like UK or USA to earn money and then we find ourselves in problems like these (when infact i know that my brother was into this even before he came to US). and i was advised to make dua.
thank you all ,you are being so helpful.
thank you blackhole i found your link very useful as well.
i am writing this for the benefit of others who may be facing a similar situation. dr joseph nicolosi is a psychologist in america who has been dealing with people facing same sex attraction . his website is very useful in understanding the issue. also wesbite of NARTH (national association for research and therapy of homosexuality) is a useful one with fact and figures and scientific data.
yours sincerely
friend.
Salaams,
This obviously would be a devastating matter for anyone. I think you need to focus on yourself and stop hurting your own self over this.
You have advised your brother kindly to no avail and there is nothing further you can do. I have read the other comments and I don't fully agree. If I was in that situation I would advise the wrong-doer that on account of not adhering to Allah's Laws, that all ties would be cut. I think if you continue to have a relationship with your brother, it would then allow him to think that his haraam lifestyle has no negative impact on his life and in a way you are somewhat accepting it.
Maybe when he has been completely ostracised by family, it could make him realise the gravity of his sins. But I fear that since you say he is practising this evil act, he will go further into it. He should have at least remained celibate and battled against these urges. If you cut all ties and if he values you more than his own desires, it may inspire him to give up this affliction.
I think reading too much into this subject is also harmful for you as it will only generate more anguish. The facts are homosexuality is wrong. It is not genetic, it is an evil affliction that has become widespread due to lack of sincere faith and social engineering by todays society through feminism and the emasculation of men. Furthermore, there are suggestions that additives in food and medicines as well as the water system being polluted by female hormones has feminised men.
Yes he is your brother, but we are all tested in some way. The most difficult of tests can be when someone close to us does wrong. Your connection with Allah is the most important one in your life as it is for all of us. Thus if the cause of your distress is your brother and his lifestyle, then remove the cause of distress from your life.
Regards
Hopeful
i once emembered listening to a shaikh who talked to a gay guy and actually talked him out of it and the guy accepted islam too!. the shaikh was yusuf estes, http://www.islamalways.com but i dunno if you will be able to contact him. another thing i wanna mention is, i dunno where you're from originally but i've heard that pakistani guys sometimes practice homosexuality because premarital sex is forbidden so they do it with a guy. well this is forbidden too, duh! i've even heard of one who seemed to be having such thoughts about his freind/roomate, but eventually they both married women.
Salam, Friend
As a person struggling with homosexual feelings myself, let me give you my humble opinion and tell you a little about my own experience.
I come from a very religious and conservative family.
A few years ago, my older brother found out that I was attracted to other women. On my computer, he had found poems and episodes of lesbian series I had been downloading from the internet. I will never forget that day. He came to my room, sat down calmly and asked me in a loving, calm tone : "why ?". I lied and said I was downloading that stuff for a friend of mine who was gay, and that it wasn't for me. He pretended to believe me. He said: "you shouldn't encourage your friend, this way", to which I replied: "she's my friend, and because of that I have to accept her the way she is. I shouldn't judge her." Very patiently, he said : "do you really believe God created her that way and then forbade her to act on it ? Don't you see how unfair that would be ?"
We had a very long conversation on the subject, and not once did he yell or judge me (or "her"), and for the first time in my life, I began to rethink my feelings. My whole life I had thought of my homosexuality as natural and I couldn't wait to meet a beautiful girl who would make me happy and that if other people couldn't get that, then to hell wit them !
Even though it took me a long time after that to "take measures" and really try to change, that conversation with him, was a turning point in my life. I will always be grateful to him. After that, although he knew I was "different", he never cut me out his life or rejected me, he stayed the loving brother he had always been.
Whatever you do, don't cut your brother out of your life. He needs you, nomatter what he says. Be there for him and listen to him. Pray for him and remind him that the doors of Tawbah are always open and that Allah is Most Merciful and Just, and that this is all a test. From time to time, send him Surah's from the Quran and Hadith's. Other times, just be his sister and talk about other things, like the things you two used to talk about before you knew he was gay so that he doesn't avoid you.
He has to realize on his own that the lifestyle he has chosen is bad for him and that it cannot bring him happiness, instead, it will only bring him guilt and frustration.
Be patient, sister and have faith in Allah.
God bless you and may He guide us all to the right path.
Wafa.
Salam angelmr,
I realise you wrote about your experience 6 years ago and may not even see my message here. But I pray to God that you do, because I am in need of some help.
I found out my brother is gay. It started off with finding condoms in his bag, and later on I came across his messages with other men. Needless to say, I am shocked and deeply sad. This is the person I look up to, my older brother, the one I admire and strive to be like. The one that would lead me in prayer, remind me to wear a headscarf, explain to me verses of the Quran regarding areas I was confused about. But his messages with the men are filthy, filled with lewd words and remarks suggesting intimacy. And now, I don't know what to do. I want to talk to him about it, to understand why he does it and if possible, find a way to help him away from his sins. But I'm scared. I don't know what to say. What if he pushes me away and our relationship is severed? Is it simply better to keep quiet and stay away? What if he takes our conversation or the fact that I know horribly wrong and do something stupid like attempt suicide? I believe he wouldn't do that but the worst case scenarios are playing in my head and I'm frightened.
I love my brother greatly and truly want to help him but I don't know how. Whatever happens, I pray to Allah things turn out like how it did for you and your brother. Please, if you read this, lend me some advice.
May God help us through our tests.
scaredandconfused: But I'm scared. I don't know what to say. What if he pushes me away and our relationship is severed? Is it simply better to keep quiet and stay away? What if he takes our conversation or the fact that I know horribly wrong and do something stupid like attempt suicide? I believe he wouldn't do that but the worst case scenarios are playing in my head and I'm frightened.
Is your brother attracted to girls/women? Usually a gay person can't change and become heterosexual. If your brother is bisexual then it may be easy for him to change. Don't tell your brother about what you know. I don't think your brother can explain you why he likes men.......why he can only get sexually aroused by thinking about men or being with men. A true gay man won't be aroused sexually with a woman
Just try to be a good sister
Show him some pictures of women and ask him which one he likes. How your brother reacts when your family talks about his marriage?
As for as talking filthy, filled with lewd words and remarks suggesting intimacy is concerned it is quiet common in chat rooms between heterosexuals too.
Some one can go undercover and start communicating with your brother in some way on the Internet to find out about what his true intentions are..........a girl can contact him......a boy can contact him........this will clear up every thing.
You don't know if your brother has been intimate with other men. He may be just playing.
You can also check his browser for history of what kind of websites he goes too.
Salam SVS, thank you for your reply.
I hope he is… But from his conversations online, it seems like he isn't. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. I do know that there was a girl he was friends with, that he later told me he had thought of marrying. Sadly, she is getting married next year as she told my brother she could not wait any longer and he had not make any indication of wanting to settle down. When he told me about her, and of what she had said, he looked sad. Perhaps he was confused about his sexuality and that was the reason for his hesitance. Perhaps he was sad because he thought she was his only chance of a normal life.
As for talks of marriage… My mother recently sent him a photo of a young woman that she felt suited him. He didn't say anything about her. In general, I think he avoids the topic mostly.
That's an interesting idea, but I'm not sure who I would get to do so :/ I would rather not let other people know about this and I don't have anyone that I trust enough to do that.
I wish it wasn't so but he has been intimate with other men. There were conversations for another meet up, even a third meeting in some cases.
InsyaAllah I will do what I can to be a good sister to him. I think he feels empty and lonely, and feels like he has tainted himself. I have faith things will change for the better eventually, even if times are difficult now.
Thank you again, SVS, for your advice. I truly appreciate it.
asalamalaikum
angelmr .thank you so much for your comments and advice and sharing your experience with me. i had previously read your mails as well while i was waiting for the reply of mine. i was actually hoping that you may have to say something to me.no doubt Allah helps when you start looking for a way out. i shall keep your advice in mind.
if there is any one else out there who have come across an issue like this, please keep your comments and advice coming.although iam a professional working women, very independant and try to keep myself upto date with todays world but for me homosexuality was such an alien issue. i always thought people do it to stay in the news.i never thought about the views from the other side.
if you have any further suggestions please do so. angelmr i wondered if i could tell you once i have spoken to my brother.i can give you my e -mail and if you want to stay in touch then you can reply.i dont think it will be wise to leave my email address here , may be the website coordinator will be able to advise appropriately.
thanks
friend
Wa Aleikum Assalam, sister
I would be honored and very happy to help in any way I can. Whatever you need.
I'm not sure how this works, and as you said, I don't think we're supposed to post our e-mails out here. Maybe Wael can help us exchange addresses ?
Jazakum Allahu Khair
Yes, I will forward your emails to each other Insha'Allah. After iftar 🙂
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Wael, Leyla and the rest of the team and all who contribute on this site,
this website is a great help and service , you all must be getting praises all the time, but i feel i must appreciate and praise all of you for putting up this effort.
May Allah give us all the taufeeq to be useful to each other and help us to stay on the right path.
Ameen.
yours sincerely
- friend
Hopeful it's very easy to sit in your ivory tower and cast aspersions on other people. You should walk in my shoes for a year or a month or a week or even a day and see how ignorant your views are.
Sister Leyla thank you for all your advice.
Ssiter 'Friend' I am a man and am now 33 and still struggling with my sexuality. I am not 'out' as I don't want people to expect me to behave in a certain way or pressure me to live my life in a certain way. I try not to have full sex with men and usually satisfy my urges through oral or other means.
And these urges are not I wake up everyday and have urges and need to fulfil them. These urges course through my veins like fire, driving me crazy and absolutely insane, and after weeks and months of allowing myself to be tormented knowing that it would be a sin to act on these urges I finally act on them to take the absolute horror of them away so I can function.
Imagine not being able to pray or read Quran or be with your family because your body is in physical pain?
That then leads to months of feeling guilty, of waking up everyday and for every hour feeling like an abomination, feeling that God will never accept me or forgive me, that nothing I do will erase this sin, that no matter how much repentence I do I will never be able to stop and the urge will destroy me.
It is painful and lonely and dreadful, like I am condemned. I have tried fasting/praying/avoidance and even tried the therapy to change people to being straight. None of it has worked. And how in this day can I get married, knowing I will never be able to be satisfied and love my wife completely? Will I even be able to perform with a woman because so far none has managed to arouse me. That would be fraud on my part and unlike thousands of men through time I will not ruin an innocent woman's life to deal with my own issues. Thank God I haven't got that sin on my scales too.
Some days I think why go on why not either kill myself or just go out and have a great gay time because nothing I do can erase my evil anyway. But I won't. I set myself limits, limits that I have crossed sometimes but will never cross again and I strive everyday not to act upon my urges and I hope that this absolute pain and self loathing I feel and the actual attempts I make to be pure will be enough to wipe clean the few moments I do slip.
So now sister I hope you can understand why your brother may have started to drink, and what he may be going through. Imams tell me to get married or avoid this urge. I'd like to tell them to become celibate and see how long they last. This doesn't go away, it eats at you like a cancer. And the worse part is the loneliness. I do things with men just to be held by someone, to feel loved by someone who accepts me as a whole, as a Muslim man who sometimes falls of the wagon and struggles every minute not to. Now sister if you maybe give your brother that affection he may not look for it in the arms of strangers.
Wasalaam,
Brother Nads
Nads, I'm not buying it. I've been divorced and single for more than two years and I have been celibate during that time. I do have the normal sexual urges of any man, but I choose not to act on them unlawfully. It can be frustrating, and I certainly I miss the physical intimacy, but my duty is to Allah first of all. I realize that in your case it's much harder because you have no prospect of satisfying yourself lawfully. I would not want to be in your situation, nor would I want your test. But it's certainly not necessary to kill yourself, nor to have a "gay old time." Many men live celibate lives. It's not impossible.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
P.S. Have you got nothing else constructive to do in your life other than to dwell upon and carry out disgusting forbidden acts?
Hopeful, I think you should change your name to "Judgemental" or "Not trying to help".
Just because you think it doesn't mean you have to say it ! The Prophet (pbuh) himself says so, if you don't have anything good to say, the best thing to do is to say nothing. Otherwise, instead of helping people, you're just driving them away.
"You should walk in my shoes for a year or a month or a week or even a day and see how ignorant your views are." I so agree with brother Nads on this one.
You just don't know how hard it is not being like everyone else around you. Having to struggle every single day, fighting unwanted feelings you have no control over, seeing other normal couples looking so happy and in love and peaceful, and knowing that you will never have that.
I wish I was like you. I wish I could be normal. Nads too, probably. But we're not, and we hate that. So stop throwing salt on our wounds. Alhamdulillah, we know what we have to do, and we are doing our best to change. Islam is about striving in order to be the way God wants you to be, it's not about being perfect.
A good muslim hates the sin, not the sinner. A good muslim is compassionate and caring. Instead of spreading so much hatred around you, thank Allah He made you normal, without these "disgusting" urges. Alhamdulillah that He spared you the suffering of having to fight with yourself everyday. It could happen to anyone, you know.
Salam.
Salaams,
Oh come on. I just don't believe this 'can't help it feeling homo' storyline. All I see it as just like any other forbidden desires, it has to be suppressed and nipped in the bud, before it develops into an ongoing reality. Everybody has some form of struggle, but you have to prevent that desire to do wrong from the thinking stage. If one cannot stop thinking, then refrain from doing at least.
It can be hard to control some thoughts on any issues, but one should avoid acting them out. Think about how when homosexualtiy was illegal in western culture, people mostly refrained from acting upon it. Now since it is not only allowed but promoted, people everywhere are feeling gay.
In Islam, homosexuality will never be permitted. As the state of the world's morals are in such decline, it is harder to hold on to the tenets of our faith but people have to try even harder and not let un-Islamic influences weaken our resolve.
If something is deemed unlawful by Allah, then there is a way out of it. It is not so, that it becomes impossible to shake off these wrong feelings. It's just that people fuel this belief themselves or allow the shaytaan to deceive them into thinking that they are doomed with these unwanted desires.
This debate will go on as long as people remain in denial. Calling me judgemental? Well what about nads? Who is he to say that I see myself as sitting in an ivory tower? Implying I am arrogant, which is a vulgar trait not accepted Islamically.
This is my opinion and I am entitled to it. Just because you don't like it, no need for name calling. There are many people who think the same.
It is a waste of time trying to delve into it, as that leads to excuses. One knows it's wrong, don't perpetuate it and avoid it and anything that triggers it at all costs.
Salam, sister Hopeful
Ok, first of all, don't put words in my mouth. I never said and will never say that it's okay to act on homosexual feelings. I've always made it perfectly clear, in all my comments and my post on the subject, that homosexual acts are to be condemned for they are very grave sinful acts. Otherwise, I wouldn't have come onto this website.
Second of all, If by "perpetuating it" you mean, talking about it, discussing it, then let me tell you that homosexuality is an islamic issue like any other, an issue that many, many muslims struggle with, so it has to be discussed and dealt with, because these people deserve to be helped and it is not "a waste of time". Ignoring the problem would only make it worse. Which is why i'm grateful I found this website. It has helped me a lot Alhamdulillah.
You seem to think that just because I talk about it, that means I'm promoting it and encouraging it, which is absolutely not true. I'm just saying that it is a tough and painful struggle and that it's not easy to "suppress" your feelings, especially when you don't know what triggered them or when they started. For most of us, those feelings have always been there. And that's what you won't understand.
"If something is deemed unlawful by Allah, then there is a way out of it" I completely agree with you, and that sentence gives me hope.
As for the "name calling" I apologize. I just wish you could be more open about what you don't necessarily understand or agree with and try and be more sensitive. Like our beloved Muhammad SAW used to be.
May Allah guide us all.
Salam.
Reply to Angelmr,
Salaams again,
I think you are being oversensitive and taking everything I said above as an attack on you personally, which was not my aim.
It's not that I won't understand but that I can't understand. I think when one realises how something is bad rather than just being told so, then it helps alot more in overcoming the issue. However, we don't all think the same, which is what I accept.
By perpetuating- I mean encouraging oneself to dwell on whatever is enticing that person to homosexuality. Of course matters have to be talked about, but in a constructive way. Understand why it is forbidden, rather than applying 21st century psychobabble on how did one become gay etc. Also that is what I referred to as a waste of time- wondering why one is gay instead of trying to just rid themselves of this problem.
Also I thought nads was rather explicit in sharing on how he satisfies his urges. Who wants to know such detail?! And his absurd excuse for not praying as his body is in physical pain due to not carrying out his haraam desires?? I think only a disabled person or someone who is bedridden could afford such an excuse.
Why are those with gay tendencies so defensive, expect so much sympathy and lash out at those who refute their claims?
dear brother Nads.
asalamalaikum,
thank you so much for sharing your experience and emotions with me. i must say i appreciate that you have been so honest in saying that you would not like to ruin a woman's life by just trying to show it to the world that you are straight.
i would like to share my experience being a straight but single. and although would like to marry a suitable man but its not happened yet , iam 34 and some years of my life have not been very easy trying to fight back my feelings and desires.I had friends who would constantly talk about sex and relationships and the whole lot asociated with it. these friends are still single ,would talk about masturbating or having sex just for the fun of it or just for experience and at times having pity on me that iam not into all this and that iam missing a whole lot of fun from life. they have also told me that a day will come when my youth will be gone and what a shame it will be that no man has touched me and i would have practically wasted myself in this world and i will then regret. i must say i did feel very unfortunate at that time,lonely ,and lost. but i know from experience that guilt is such a cancer for soul.it eats you everyday and the worst it does is ,it never lets you be proud of yourself even when you have been doing good otherwise,so i pulles my self from this slippery slopeand it was difficult . so my dear brother i completely undertsand what you are saying about your desires ,feeling worthless and guilty and on top expected to fight back your feelings as well.
unfortunately imams, will all the due respect ,give the right advice but sometimes not in the right manner.i was listening to a talk about how to advice your loved ones. it said when we are trying to make a point to a person we pay so much stress on the point that we loose the person, and even in the end if we make our point what the use ,as we have lost the person long time ago.so sometimes its better to take things slowly, make sure we make our point and not loose the person.so i have taken things easy not trying to be at my brothers back with a stick in my hand.i read my brothers chat with someone else and he had the same feelings as you have described about the need to be loved and hugged and cared for. trust me brother we all need that striaght or not.
i can only tell you from my experience how i fight my desires and how iam helped by Allah everyday. first of all i weaned off from these friends(mind you these were my only friends ,i used to talk to them daily and have been friends with them for the past 20yrs) as i knew they are just agravating my feelings and also i could see clearly that by so called 'enjoying' their life they were not happy . i didnthave any suicidal thoughts but they certainly had. its all guilt thats chewing you from inside.they were trying to fulfill their need of being loved through having sex.if sex was to give happiness than this whole nation where everything is taxed except sex would be the happiest ,right! and prostitutes would be the happiest of all.
once i distanced my self from them things became a lot easier. my salat , my fast ,my prayers became so much effective.i then started being with a friend who was not so close to me but more close in deen.i then opened Quran by asking Allah to show me in writing what to do next and he has put me in this world so he must have an answer for me in the Quran. i can assure you that if you open Quran by saying this Allah will show in the Quran what exactly you are looking for.. finding this website is also one of the ways allah has shown me. otherwise how in the world i would have come to know a brother like you to help me understand whats going on.
secondly i tried to be regular and punctual with namaz it helped me stay focused in my times of desire and chances of being stray. as its in Quran 'and verily in the remembrance of Allah lies the satisfaction of heart' so the real satisfaction that we all are looking for is just so easy to find! and Allah said if you resist your temptation and lust in life i will give you pleasure in ibadah. dont be a victim of your own desires by brother, we dont havecontrol on our thoughts but it is in our control which tought we want to dwell upon.we are not accountable for our thoughts but were are accountable for are actions.remember Allah test only those who he loves,some by disasters like floods and earthquakes and some by disasters happening inside souls.
i read somewhere that problem is wisdom,its knowlegde ,its information,like i am facing this problem of my brother but its also taught me a lot.
we all make wrong and bad choices which we regret,important is to realise it and replace it with a better choice and the good choice will wipe away the wrong we have done..when Allah knows the sincereity of intention ,Allah promises to make it easy for us.Allah says in Quran ,we are all sinners and the best of sinners ae those who repent and completely turn themselves away from what they have been doing.
there is a moral law within and you are sooooo blessed that its still alive .just pray, O Allah open my heart to hidayah and truth and you will find Allah all merciful and all forgiving. and the truth is you were not born gay ,these are desires only which can be eliminated.
i thank you again my brother for sharing your thoughts with me.
i will pray for you Nads.look after yourself
friend
dear all,
i came across some useful sites on same sex attraction, so thought should put it up for information. many may already know about it. all my brothers and sisters dont let these 'unnatural feelings' engulf your life and your potential to be sincere spouses to opposite gender.always remember you are not born this way and you can change it !
i keep you all in my prayers.
http://www.samesexattraction.org
http://www.peoplecanchange.com
friend
Thank you sister friend. I have now reached a point in my life where I don't think I can carry on being single. I either have to conform or distance myself from society. And if I distance myself from society then what? I have fun for an hour, a day, a month, a year, a decade, fifty years? But in the end who will pray my janazah and wash my body? Who will ask Allah for my jannah? So despite what I said last time, I will make the sacrifice for Allah. And yes I cannot love my wife physically wholeheartedly, but I can to a level that she will be happy. And everyday I will make sure that she is loved and cared for and happy in every other way a hundred times more. And how many relationships around me have marriages where there is so much love and affection of the body or mind or heart? So yes sister friend you have inspired me. And once I commit to a woman then I commit to her for Allah's sake and everytime I feel tempted I will remind myself that. The alternative is unacceptable. I had a close scare and it is still out there, that my private life could come home to my family. Please all of you make duaa that it doesn't get back to my family and that I have the strength to follow up on my decision.
Mashallah you have made the right choice. Well done brother. Stick to it, no matter how "impossible" the devil strives to make it seem to you.
May Allah swt help you act upon this decision and stay strong, Ameen.
Be consistent in doing Duaa to Allah to help you during this time and be prepared that the devil will play with your mind, as is his nature of doing so whenever we intend to give up a sin and do the right thing.
Was salaamu alaikum
dear brother nads
asalamalikum,
your post made me cry. i love you my brother for the sake of Allah. May Allah make it easy for you. ameen. i will make dua for you specially taking your name. i have no doubt that Allah will give you inner peace. as a woman i can assure you that for us love is not equal to sex. if you are kind, attentive, supportive, loving what more can she ask for. inshallah even the intimacy will come with time.
as for my update ,still hopeful that one day i will have someone , who loves me, and i get a chance to show my affection as well. i also pray to Allah that if he has chosen for me to be alone then make it easy for me and be with me when im feeling very vulnerable. ameen.
look after yourself my brother. honestly i pray for all the my brothers and sisters who are struggling with this issue. keep me in your prayers as well. my brother has become so distant with me now. i miss him. i know he thinks i hate him , he told me about himself with so much faith in me but look what i did, made him run away .... far away from me. but Allah knows i only wish well for him. and it hurts me every second that he is struggling with such feelings.
take care
friend.
I am not a Muslim, but I agree with with the many thoughts of good wishes expressed here as well as faith in the Almighty. It is so painful to find out your sibling is now married to same sex person with no one to talk to about it. My mother has just passed away and I can't even discuss this with a friend who thinks this is just fine with no qualifications and gets angry because I am trying to wrap my head around it. I am trying to understand it-- and don't know how this happened--we grew up together. I wish he would have talked to the family while our parents were still alive--that way we could have worked together on some sort of understanding. I alone must now work it out...and it is very perplexing and painful--I can't go into more detail about this, except to say that this has kept me in a state of being isolated and unmarried. Had I known sooner, my life would not have been ruined as it is now.
I do have a comment about people with two genders (physically)--I know one such person--but he is not gay. He had to decide in young teen years what gender he wanted to be. He is now an alcoholic in order to deal with what happened to him. His mother was injected with a hormone while pregnant to ensure the child would be a girl--but the science was nuts (and the military was free to experiment at that time in this way). He suffered greatly growing up and also now. I would have wished for him to have had better help in the past, but instead he was sent to some crazy psychologist who was doing research on these people--you know that's probably more destructive than helpful. Sad to realize that the learned often are just what is NOT needed. Still, God must be the answer.