Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Brother’s Marriage.

Out of ideas

Salam,

I wanted to ask this question to someone because I have no idea how to deal with the situation I am in. So my elder brother got married 2 years ago and since we have had so many issues in the house. His wife wants us to change everything. She wants servants for anything she needs. She wakes up late in the morning and always looks angry. Till that everything was fine with me because as long as my parents aren’t effected I don’t care what she does. Then they had a daughter. We all are and were extremely happy about it because it was the first baby in our house.

Now the problem started here. Almost half a day my brother’s wife would sleep and do nothing and give the baby to my mother. My mother does everything in the house and has alot of responsibilities but with a baby it was getting to difficult for her to manage everything. My brothers wife would get calls from her family and she wont pick up and later she would tell them that she was busy in the kitchen which is a lie. She tells everyone around how good she is and how she helps in everything but all of that is a lie. I was tired of seeing my mother handling the baby every day and doing nothing else that she wants to. My mother wanted to talk to my brother about it but whenever she does he says ok ok.

And the next time everything happens again. Now my brother’s wife wanted a maid for her daughter. My parents were opposed to this because we already have servants to do work for us and there isnt a need for one because my brothers wife does nothing all day. But she wanted a 10 year old maid day and night who would ‘play’ with her daughter. Now my mother said to my brother that I already have to many responsibilities If you do keep a maid it will be your responsibility to take care of the maid and he said ok ok don’t worry.

Now that the maid is here. They leave the daughter and the maid with my mother and go out with friends. I am very angry about this because our parents have raised us spent alot of money on our studies sent us abroad for higher studies and paid alot for my brothers huge wedding and now all they get is more responsibilities. Now my brother and his wife keep talking about other families that how they take their daughter in law out for dinner etc. My parents are not very strict. I asked my mother to talk to my brother again but she said that she asked him alot of times but he doesn’t listen so she has to manage it herself. I once tried talking about this to my brother but he got very angry and said “don’t tell me what to do”. My parents want me to keep silent about this and accept this but I cannot. I sometimes feel so bad that I have to see all of this. I don’t want to feel this regret when the time goes and my parents live their old life under the burden of someone else’s responsibility.

There are alot of issues more like we have a family buisness with my uncles etc. So my brother works in it aswell but he goes late to the office and does not do enough work and comes back early. On the other hand my father goes early in the day and comes late at night. So my uncles are not happy with how irresponsible my brother is and they were not happy with my father about it. My parents ask my brother to go early to the offcie but he always says that the daughter doesn’t sleep at night so I sleep late. The reason for that is when the mother of the daughter has no routine how can the daughter have.  So at the end I want to know someones opinion about what should I do about this because I just can’t handle seeing my parents go through all of this.

maan

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8 Responses »

  1. Tell them to move out and live in their own house. That’s the best thing to do so they both will grow up and stop being dependent. It’s better for married couple to live by themselves as even the prophets SAW’s children live by themselves in their own homes after marriage.

  2. why dont you help your mother raise the child. it seems you have nothing better to do other then looking at the mother of the child and finding faults in her.
    Also your brother is a grown up man, he would know how much to work so let him settle his work problems himself.

    your brother's wife has come from a different house and might need more time to settle.

    • it is not my responsibility to raise the child. My mother raised me and my siblings and fulfilled her responsibility. i do not really care what my brother's wife does, but when something affects my mother I will be worried because I care for her.

  3. This looks quite familiar in the sense that it is the story of almost every other rich, urban Pakistani house. I can confidently wager that you are a Pakistani. Unfortunately, this is a pretty common phenomenon in our country these days. Just an advice for you. Choose your spouse wisely.

    As far as your current predicament is concerned, just disseminate religious literature to your parents, your brother and his wife. The books can cover topics such as improving one self, helping poor, taking care of children, elders and parents. Slowly and steadily, this would have an impact in their lives. For that to occur, you would have to become a guiding light yourself. Do not cry foul. Don't say much. Just be patient and pray to Almighty to change the behaviour of your family.

    All my prayers are with you. This is the second time I'm replying to a post here. God bless you!

    • You are absolutely right! I am a Pakistani. As no one listens to me I have decided to keep silent and just leave it in God's hand. Thank you for your very wise reply.

  4. Your parents are not responsible for your brother, his wife or his children. He chose to marry her, so she and his children are your brother's problem. I don't, and never will, understand multiple family households...it's a recipe for disaster to merge several different families together under one roof, as your story clearly proves. Your parents should honestly tell your brother to take his wife and child and find a home of their own...and tell him they are more than welcome to visit, but they should go out there and create their own family home. If they want maids in THEIR house, that's totally fine...your brother is responsible for his wife's needs, not your parents.

    • Very sensible reply. I really hope people here in Asia start understanding that joint family system is as you said a disaster and it is religiously also not acceptable.

  5. I would second what "Umm Abdallah" has suggested.
    It's important for the couple to move to new house and take their own responsibilities. In this house, your brother won't realize what happens behind his back and how the thisn are being managed . Once they are separate, they'll have to manage everything their own, ans that will bring they all on the track.

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