My brother’s wife has made my life miserable
Sister in law.
I have an elder brother whose wife is bringing in differences between me and my brother.
From the very first day, she started showing her color. She ignores me completely as though I don't exist in the family.
Initially, I used to feel bad and ask her as to why she is doing like that. But that would become a big issue in itself as though I did a crime by asking her why she is doing like that to me. She would cry and make it big as if I was troubling her, and my father would interfere and abuse me in front of this lady. This used to happen quite frequently.
I thought that I will find a sister in her because I do not have a sister, but this lady made a hell in my life. My father does not have affection towards me; he always abused me with bad words and violence. I have grown up seeing his anger, which is the reason I have developed a hatred towards him. I hardly speak to him. He is very fond of my sister-in-law. He tells her each and every thing that happens in the house, which is really not needed.
Taking advantage of all this, this lady behaves very paly-paly with my father because she wants to know in and out of everything that's happening in the house. For every single thing, she makes an issue out of it, brainwashes my brother to such an extent that he doesn't even bother to know what is the other side of the story, and he also starts abusing me and ignoring me. When I ask and try to justify, I get bad behavior from all these three people - My father, my brother and his wife.
Once the argument went to such an extent that this lady asked my brother to send me out of the room from where we were all standing, and my brother literally pushed me out of the room such that I was about to bang the wall.
My brother and his wife stay in Dubai and whenever these people come here to India, I am scared thinking of all the fights that this lady will create and so I pray to Allah that he saves us from her evil.
Another example is, once I and my mum were watching a serial and we were just talking about the characters in that serial. When this lady came into the hall for listening what we were speaking, we stopped discussing about it because both I and my mum are not comfortable with her. This lady went and told my brother that we were discussing about her and we stopped when she came!! Ya-Allah, I and my mum were feeling so helpless at that time.. and my brother also believed her and spoke non-sense.
These are just little things of this lady, there is more and more worse that she has tired to do and is currently doing also.
My marriage is fixed and this lady is creating trouble at this time also. She wants the marriage date to be post-poned and says that she cannot come on that day. The groom's family is not ready to post-pone it for some reason.
My parents told her that they tried their best to convince the groom's family to change the date, but they said it can't be changed. But this lady and my brother have held me responsible for this! They say that I would have stopped my parents from asking the groom's family to change the date.
This lady has stuffed-in so much bad about me to my brother that nowadays whenever they call up home, they just speak to my parents and cut the call. They don't even make a mention of my name. She feels jealous of me and my mother also feels the same. I feel so bad that my very own family treats me like this.
They have a 3 year old son, whom I love so much.. these people are trying their best for stopping the kid from speaking to me! If I forcibly take the phone and try to talk to the child, this lady distracts the child so that he does not speak to me! I have cried so much because of this lady and my brother that I cannot explain. My brother believes this lady to such an extent that he hardly cares how his sister and mother feel.
I want to share one more incident of this lady: They never ever gave me a single gift all my life; and now they celebrated the maid's birthday with a touch-phone!! And they took her out for the whole-day outing. This lady did all this just to show that maid is more important for her than me!
With all this, she has made my life miserable. I feel so depressed and dejected that even my own brother doesn't care for me.
I don't understand how to deal with all this. Please suggest.
- Naira
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Salaams,
This is a very interesting dynamic. From what I understand, your brother got married and all at once your sister in law managed to bring everyone under her charms so that now she is running the show for your entire family. I even see that she has had an effect on you, because I am sensing that you are wanting her approval and equal treatment that she gives others. I have to ask, why would you want anything from someone who, by your account, seems self centered and demanding? Personally, if I was in your shoes, I would just be counting the days to my wedding so I could get out of that situation...yet you are lamenting gifts she never bought you and whether or not she speaks to you on the phone.
I have to also wonder how she managed to come in and pull such a coup. Is her family wealthy, that your mother, father, and brother feel beholden to her? Is she so gorgeous that she intimidates everyone into doing her bidding with her beauty and pouts? It doesn't really matter, because in reality she shouldn't be your focus.
The thing you said to me which has me more concerned is that your father is abusive to you. I understand you are still at home now, but you are getting married soon. You need to focus on what your life will be after you get married, once you are away from your abusive father and selfish sister in law. By the way, for the entire wedding to be rescheduled just because she can't make it is ridiculous. If I were you, I would be glad to not have her attend. I certainly hope they don't change the date just on her account.
I understand that probably the biggest loss for you in all this is not being able to talk to your brother. Certainly it does appear that he is under her influence at this time, and not able to deal with you like he might've before. I hope that will change with time, but you will have to have some patience because if you try to keep coming to him while she is still spinning tales about you, it will only aggravate the situation more. Let them have some time to themselves, and limit correspondence to emails updating him on how things are going in your life etc. That way she can't be involved, and even if she does respond to something you wrote you can just ignore it and delete it.
Focus on your wedding. It really will be a new life and a new family for you to involve yourself in. Give yourself time to get used to that, and maybe you can try again down the road to repair the strained relationship with your brother. As far as his wife goes, I would only deal with her cordially and as-needed unless she drastically changes her ways.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Naira,
Sister Amy has offered good advice.
I want to add this. It's my experience that people who try to control everything are often suffering emotionally on the inside. She needs compassion and love. She may never acknowledge it, never thank you, never reciprocate. But Allah will know, and will reward you in Jannah.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister if she makes your brother happy say Alhamdulilah and move on and live your life, also going though this might help you become a better daughter inlaw with your new family you've had a what not to do guide life gives you lemons make lemonade insha'Allah Khary,
Thank you all for your responses and good advice.
Regarding sister Amy's question on how she managed to come in and pull such a coup.....
No, she isn't from a wealthy family and she is no gorgeous, she is just average looking. The sad part is that my brother fell into her trap. She was a HR representative at a recruitment firm and my brother was looking out for a job. He was emotionally too weak and he just fell into this lady's sweet words and concern. She had lied to my brother that she is just one daughter and her father is a Coffee-Planter ( coffee planters are supposed to be wealthy people in South India) although that was not the reason why he fell for her. He told us that he was moved by the good thoughts of her and that she is always so concerned. After the wedding we got to know that nothing of what she told was true!
He somehow managed to convince my parents about her and just in about 4 months from the time they knew each other, they got engaged and then married. Before the wedding, this lady used to come home and stay as though it is her own house, treating my parents with such love and affection as if to show that they never received such treatment from me - their daughter and here she comes - the daughter -in-law who will shower all her love upon them. My mum started realizing that her intentions were not as good as she portrayed them to be, but my brother and father got completely influenced by her. Mots of our relatives warned my mother that it is not good to bring in a girl home before the wedding, but my mother was too lost in her son's love that she ignored the warning. She repents for it today; she is the only person in my family who knows the pain I have undergone, and which currently I am going through.
I did feel bad for the gifts, but it was more on my brother not caring of me than her not giving me any gifts. I thought however she may be, at-least my brother should have taken care of me (not only for gifts, for anything) - his only sister.
Regarding sister Zeena's response: As far as I know, my brother is not happy with her. He is mostly stressed, but he blames it on his job. I got to know this from the caretaker lady they have at home. This caretaker lady doesn't like her (sister-in-law's) ways too. She once told me and my mother that my brother told her that he is frustrated with the way his wife makes issues of nothing. Basically what she does is, she tries to feed in all bad things in my brother's mind about me in particular and sometimes about my mum also. She pressurizes him not to talk to me and all that crap. As soon as he returns from office, she gets on to her job of putting things in his mind!
Phew!!!! I am falling short of words to describe how she has made our lives, especially my life a hell.
Last year also in May 2011, she brought in differences, and this year too!! Infact it doesn't matter where she is she is, she is 24/7 working towards her goal of breaking the family.
I have seen such bad characters in reel life (TV serials/movies), but it is really too much to go through all this in real life.
I always pray to Allah that though she is like that, I must think of the good in her.. but sadly, I have not found one to mention! In-fact I am worried for my mother, because after my wedding, my parents are going to be fully dependent on my brother and that's when this lady will start showing her color again. My father is very selfish, so he is always friendly (agreeing to whatever non-sense she says even though he may know it is wrong) with her, so no worry for him. I am worried for my mother because she always stood with me against this lady. This lady cannot stand the relation I and my mum share. It is clearly shown on her face.
I am afraid that she may not let me contact my parents after my wedding. First of all she has strongly influenced my brother and my father. So, it will be easier for her to keep us apart. These fears are building up in me and every time that I think of it, I get scared and pray to Allah for help. I also have the fear that she will not let my nephew interact with me. I love him so much, I am so fond of him. Now he is just 2.5 years old, as he grows up, I am sure she'd tell him all bad about me to keep him away from me.
Ya-Allah!! Sometimes I feel, why all this? What could she gain out of all this? Is she not scared that she'll get back what she is doing to us?
I need a lot of prayers, please pray for me.
-Naira
For the benefit of the commenters, I'd like to mention that house maids (I am assuming "care taker" to be the house maid) in south India are famous for lies. I have seen my aunt and grand mother have numerous maids for many many years (they live in south India). Most of them, as far as I can remember, I have seen, have spread lies about our neighbours or other relatives. So, they are least reliable.
Sister Naira, television serials and movies are a very bad place to look for relations and take inspirations. And it is well known that Indian short movies are very destructive in that they destroy families without any notice.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you for your response, brother Muhammad Waseem.
1. I do agree that most of the servants/maids are of the mentality to bring in disputes. In my case when I have referred to this caretaker lady, it was just one case wherein my brother had let out his problem to the maid. There is nothing that I believed what she told us and then the problems happened. My sister-in-law has directly and indirectly troubled me and so all the problems that I have shared are experienced problems not just heard from maid. 🙂
2. For the point - television serials and movies are a very bad place to look for relations and take inspirations.
Your point as such is right. But, I have never got inspired by any TV serial for managing my relationships. Again, when I have referred to "TV/movies", I only meant that I have never come across anyone like this in my family/relatives or friends ever. So, all this is new and totally shocking for me, because before her coming into our lives, no one has treated us like that ever. That is the reason I mentioned that I have seen such behaviors only in Reel life and not real. This does not mean I am looking for relations in serials.
That was just to inform you that it can have an ill effect on real life, too. I have seen and heard these effects in the lives of many people. So, better abstain. 🙂
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thanks. 🙂
I need a to learn how to deal with such people tactfully. That's the reason I wrote my problem here so I could get some good suggestions. Thank you all. Will write again if I want to share and take advice on anything.
Regards,
Naira.
Hi after hearing your story i have a lot of respect for your Mum and you and i hope your sister in law gets her due.
Not to forget, Eid Mubarak to you all!
Naira stay out of your brothers marriage, regardless of what your sister in law is doing to you. Let your own brother and sister in law deal with their own problems. You live your life how you want it, because the more you get involved the more it will get to your head, such people i do not play attention to because that's what they are attention seekers and fake. BTW you are actually seeking this in drama serial yourself, just let them be and you look after yourself your thinking too much that's allowing you to be too emotionally involved, strong advise let them be they deserve each other.
another thing from my own experience when a sibling gets married the wife or husband always want that brother or sister (yours) to disown your family and often when marriages workout this is where the differences are created its called controlling & jealousy. You therefore need to be open minded and not take it personally, you will always meet people that will have nasty words to say even when not thinking, so dont be offended just take it as experience. You dont need to change or do anything other than put faith into allah
Thanks for your response, Samina.
Well, what you have written is right.. but for the point "stay out of your brothers marriage, regardless of what your sister in law is doing to you", I would like to mention that I have never interfered with their lives whatsoever. I have only shared what that lady has done and is doing with me. I am not even telling anything regarding this to my brother. I have shared what I am going through. that's it. So, I think "staying out of their marriage" is something that is not applicable for me.
Again about the "drama serial" that you have mentioned, I don't understand why you mention that. Let us accept that we are all human beings who watch television and it is human nature to sometimes correlate things with the ones in our life. And, I have only said that I have seen such characters in reel life, not real life.. that's it. But I am not sure why you say that I am seeking this in the serial, etc.
Next, regarding the "controlling & jealousy" part, I would like to understand if you also did that (I am not sure if you are married or you mentioned about your experience with some brother's or sister's wedding). I don't think it is true for everyone, because i have seen my cousins who are more towards loving the in-laws family. It is not the question of getting offended; just imagine that you have just a single brother and some one comes into the life and plays all cheap games, and separates you from your brother, and feels happy for doing so!!! You will feel miserable; isn't it? It is easier to tell not to get offended and not to take it personally, but only the one facing the situation will know the pain.
Salaams Naira
I was going through the same experience as you when my sister in law was new to the family that's why i shared my experience with you. I am not married nor i am a jealousy person in fact i couldn't care less what my sister in law does that's between her and my brother to deal with. What you described happened similar to me but I didn't feel upset what she was doing or the little games she played because my family seen through her ulhumdiallah and she was someone else 's daughter. I was prepared that once my older brother got married he wasn't mine or ours anymore he belonged into that new family whether i liked it or not. Because that relationship with siblings changes once that persons married. Ulhumdiallah i still get on well with my brother but i know where you coming from, i have learnt that it doesn't matter whether family or blood related your always going to get people who are not the same as you or people who are attention seekers and only way they feel good is being hurtful towards you. What im trying to tell you is regardless is try to be strong, your relationship with your brother isn't going to be the same anymore, you have to be strong for him be there for him if he needs you.
I wasn't offended by your reply to be honest reading replies below made me actually realise i wasn't the only one and thank allah has made me a stronger person today.
Dear Naira,
I have been through a very similar sitution where my sis in law wanted to be centre of attention Im very close to my mum she tried her level best to get close to my mother & she wanted me & my mum to be apart but guess what i did i let her have it if your parents love you they will treat you good & love you no matter who comes in between it took couple of years to be specific exactly 2 years I realised no one can come between me & my mum so don't try to so hard for your parents specially your dad's attention it is his lose not yours .......... & when it comes to you brother come on dear as long as he is happy with his wife don't even think about him i have one brother my self i used to love him with all my heart but once he got married he changed it was hard for me but I totally de-attached my self from him no emtional attachment now if i don't see him all my life it wouldn't make a difference to me cause you need to learn to be strong if your siblings doesn't want to be close to us we can't force .. some times let go is better . now about your nephew you so naive or either very nice person nephew is the last person you should be attached too & cry for im not saying don't love you family people don't take me wrong but if your own family hurts you i believe it is better to let them go & if they happy the way there are why force our self into there lives so Naira look forwrd to your new life your husband to be & his family that is it be postive & please don't change your wedidng date for her ............
Me and my 4 sisters are going threw the same thing even though 3 of us are married now, we use to be so close with our patents use to always shop with our mom take her everywhere, so for the past 4 years I got 2 sisters inlaws we do anything and say anything to make us not go see my parents because they think they owe them now, so when we talk to my mom about them she get all upset and till us we are liers that our sister inlaw love to have us at the house and our kids too, they brain wash my mom now they never believe that we are right, so from now on we love our parents, but we just going to stay away from her daughter inlaws is not taken us anywhere, so don't waste your time on your brother because no matter what he will always take his wife side. You will be married soon and have your own life don't worry about them.
Thank you all for your responses. 🙂 May Allah make me that strong to overcome the ignorance I've been getting.
Felt like sharing the crap that I undergoing now. Since my parents have no savings for me, they are dependent on my so called big brother, and he and his wife are treating me so badly that I feel terrible.
We need to buy gifts for my Fiance's family.. so this brother of mine and his wife are creating an issue out of it. They are fighting with me saying that since it is their money, they will buy wherever they want it from and I cannot ask anything on that. They told me to ask my fiance's family also to buy gifts for all of us! Whatever it is, I am sure they will do it unasked, but this brother of mine is saying it just to take out his vengeance and frustration on me and my fiance's family. I am currently working, but I do not have a lot of savings with me sadly. Had I saved something, I would have preferred using that money for my wedding than being so helpless and bearing all this pain. Also, since I will be quitting this company, I cannot take a loan also. I feel so helpless, ya Allah - please help me.
Before he got married, he assured everyone that he will do this and that for my wedding, and what not, and all relatives were pleased to hear that. But when the time came, he and his wife are doing their best to keep me upset and depressed, whereas I should have actually been happy and relaxed, and enjoyed the days left with my family. Sadly, there is no one out here who is bothered. They are all happy if I am depressed.
I need prayers, please pray for me. I feel so bad, I am falling short of word to explain my pain.
I am feeling depressed at the moment, please pray for me.
Insha Allah, your problems will be solved. But you need trust in Allah. You have said Ya Allah Help me. But do you actually trust that whatever happens, His Help WILL come to you? If you do, then you'll feel the delight of such a feeling. Otherwise, you should develop it, and I HIGHLY recommend it.
Something from my own experience. I was not having enough money to fund my university expenses which were quite high, as is the trend for a Masters course in Business Administration. This was my father's dream and living it was my dream. I had no money. But my trust was in Allah. I applied for this course in a leading school and got a seat. I had the 1/4 of the funds saved from my work, so, I gave the first instalment away.
The time for second instalment was approaching. I did not want to take a loan from a Bank because it involves dealing in INTEREST and is HARAAM. I do not have the power to go on a war with Allah (who does?). I then recalled an old friend who was willing to give a loan which was interest free. I approached him to find out that he could only give me less that half of one instalment. But I had in mind "Hasbiy Allahu wa Ni'mal Wakeel".
My father then informed me that profits of his business shot up and surprisingly, all my funds were ready. Subhanallah!
Alhamdulillah, this is how Allah Helps. He Helps everyone. Insha Allah, He Will Help you umm. Just don't lose trust in Him, and practice His Deen as best as you can.
Secondly, perhaps, it is just a mental block that everyone is delighted bu your grief, if this is what you meant. This need not necessarily be true. It could be Shaitaan trying to drive your attention away from the Remembrance of Allah and driving it towards the destruction through disbelief. Beware and have an optimistic nature. Whatever that happens, look for the positives in it, before you look for a negative.
I hope this help a little.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thanks for the advice.
Let them buy what they can why you worrying about that, save whatever you can for the time being material things are not worth worrying about trust me. Pray that you get married and it happens inshallah. Don't ask anything from your in laws family better that why and count days to get married and be positive.
Salaams,
Rana, I understand you have some strong emotions about the situation, but we are here to offer Islamic advice- which advising someone to "play games back" is not. As Muslims, we are accountable for taking the higher road, and managing situations like these with grace and diplomacy...even if no one else is.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hi Naira,
I read all the responses and your problems so far and feel you need some growing up.
In traditional Indian set-up son is responsible for financial obligations of his family ( grand-parents, parents, siblings, wife , children) and if required then wife's family also. However, times are changing and more and more men and women are opting for nuclear families( husband, wife and children). So it can be possible that your brother doesn't see u as part of close family post marriage. He may be perceiving u as part of extended family and so he won't so happy and comfortable spending on your marriage as he would be spending on his son's education.
But even if he is not comfortable he is still ready to spend money and you should be happy with that. Let him buy gifts as per his choice. After all it is his money. You need to know some hard facts of life regarding money. That is if u earn money u have most freedom to spend it, then comes parents money or husband' s money. Your brother's money is number 3 or 4 in this list.
You also need to accept that not all men and women see financial responsibility towards parents and siblings as their own post marriage.
By grace of God you will get married and then you will understand how a married woman thinks. You will find yourself very protective about your husband first and then his parents or his siblings. This protection transfers into financial protection also. So be sweet, happy and pray for hurdle free marriage function and wonderful life ahead.
Hi MuslimGirl,
You and your sisters are finding it difficult visiting your own parents post marriage. This has lot to do on your parents physical, diplomatic and financial health. If anyone among these three is not optimum your sister- in- law may find u visiting them a nuisance . also it can be because of wrong attitude that your sister- in- law has.
I have explained few points here:
Physical: if your parents are not having good health and need constant attention then ur sister in law may like ur visiting them for help and support. But if she finds you criticising,or criticising without warmth, her way of helping your parents, she may not like u.
Diplomatic: I have seen that many of my friends complain about stress and lack of peace in family after sibling visits. This may happen if your parents share something unpleasant about ur sister in law with you. That is fine unless u or ur parents make it a point to criticise her or taunt her.
Financial Health: in case ur parents are financially dependent on ur brother. And ur brother is only earning member or both brother and sister in law are earning but don't have much savings. They may find ur visits, getting gifts fir you as extra burden.
Apart from these reasons the biggest reason can be her attirude. Again ur attitude towards her will matter.
Hope it helps!
Hi Naira,
I am too facing the same issue.
Just leave it to god and stay quite. Gods knows the truth.
May be your brother and sister inlaw will buy better
Presents. When I got married I did not get quality
Stuff as present from my inlaws but I did not complained
Because its a gift not my right. When my brother in laws
Got married , My husband and I bought quality makeup
and jewelry for them. Although no body appreciated me
That but I have no regrets as I gave whatever I like for
myself. So let your brother and sister inlaw buy
You ant inlaws presents. Believe me if your in laws
are good they will not say any thing if the presents
cheap. However if they are not good people then
you can't fill their stomach no matter how beautiful
or expensive the gifts are.
Salam.
I read above comments. I just got my CNIC recently. I had the same problem two years back when my brother married. He married a women who says to be muslim but all fake. My mother died due to stress just a year after his marriage at such a young age. My dad became a Stress Bp patient who never had fever once as he was so active . My brother bore hatred towards me and my very young sister . She attended my mom funeral when only 5 mins were left to be her taken away to graveyard. Allah granted sabar. The main fact all is in fact it is not you alone my sister. After marriage most of the brothers leave their families helpless and still demand to be their little child. But the child actually thinks that he is enough mature to be independent to live on his own with his wife and childern. The sisters become too possesive to think that he is Their brother. But the fact is they never accept the way they are married and living their own lives. Let them live. The time will pass anyway. The only thing to keep you strong is how strong your faith in Allah is. If it is then it is only sabar even if you have choice to avenge for the way they treated you. Let Allah give them Amaal for their deeds. Let you live your life. Make a goal in life act on it to avoid overthinking or just thinking about them. That s the only way. May Allah grant you Happiness
Hello,
I have a problem too with my brother's wife actually she is familly ( my mom's side) so my mom is super kind and we are really nices too my sister my father so at first we welcome her like shes really another sister but then things got really difficult.
the problem is we have i big house my brother has 1st floor ( with no kitchen he didnt think it was necessary ) then 2nd floor my parents and the last me and my sister ( shes married too and live us with her familly temporary )my mom is so kind so hardly lets us do anything but now shes little bit old so we help her . they are married for almost 2 years and she never really cooked a really meal or helped us cleaning ( the first mounths my mom dont let her help us that OKEY ) but now after giving birth she only dont help but she let always the kitchen or living room a mess ( in 2nd floor ) and she dont clean at all , after I or my sister do dishes she come I leave the dirt dishes in the sink and go down stairs that really rude, and when my brother tells her to do something to eat to him she dont do it , and he came to us to do it . my brother he work far from home ( 1 mounth in work and 1 mounth he come home ) he makes good for living ( money ) but she didnt buy anything new in the her house ( majority of the forniture is my mom's ) and cant really finish to mounth without asking my dad to lend him so money ( my parents really sacrifice everything for us , now its they turn to live a great life) . so the mounth shes here there's tension and really we are not good even my brother we feel hes not happy at all.
we didnt want to speak with her just to avoid problems with my brother but that really hard to see someone takes advantage on you and your familly and say nothing .
PS: her mom and her sister had problems with there in laws like they cook for them and clean... we think she dont help us because of that , that okey but now hes putting mess everywhere she goes)
pleaaaaaaaase help me and respond,
thank you , have a nice day
Dear Naira ... I can completely relate to u too ... cos my brother s wife is a wretch too ... u don’t have to b
scared it’s jus that she is toxic and jealous of u so she s doing all this ... ignore her and now like u said ur marriage is fixed get married and be happy ... ur really lucky ur atleast getting married imagine if ur state was to be u married like many girls what a torcher it would be .. weather they come fr ur function give a damn and enjoy ur life with good ppl who like u ... good luck