Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My complexion makes me undeserving of happiness and love

Dark skin and light skin

Assalamualaikum,

I am a 23 year old muslim girl. I am feeling broken and I am always ready to cry. I know my problem is not that big as compared to others! To begin with, since childhood I faced discrimination and taunts because of my brown complexion! I always felt nobody loved me, and will never. When I was young, my uncle (father's brother) and other relatives used to make fun of my colour.

My grandmother and maternal grandmother never loved me. My maternal grandmother never missed any opportunity to insult me in front of everyone. She used to have a problem with anything I did- e.g. how I was sitting or how to eat properly. If I was sitting with her, she always gaves me stern looks and accused me of misplacing her belongings,  despite the fact that my other cousins were also sitting besides her. Even if we all were sitting with her for dinner, she kept saying harsh things to me- do this and that- and pinpointing everything I did.

On the other hand, she used to love my elder sister very much- maybe because she is fair and deserve to be loved. Once she told my mother about one of my dresses- don't let her wear this dress, it will never look good on this black and skinny girl. My mother's brother was also there, but nobody stopped her at that time. Nobody bothered to see my eyes were filled with tears 🙁  I was just 13 years old then, and used to kept thinking about suicide, but alhamdulillah Allah guided me and I dropped that idea.

Recently she passed away. I don't know, I just don't feel any pain about her death. I just cried for seeing my mother crying, and felt sad for my mother. I also read Quran -surah Yaa seen, and make dua for her forgiveness, and send blessings for her a number of times, but will it be acceptable by Allah from me without any emotions? I don't know why, whenever I think about her I start crying after remembering whatever she did to me!

My paternal grandmother and other people in my house also never liked me. They make jokes about my colour- go take a bath, or you'll become darker! Except me, all my cousins have a fair complexion. I don't know why Allah sent me in between these beautiful people who are not a bit sensitive about my feelings.

Everyone says a child is always beautiful in the eyes of his/her mother, but sometime my mother also makes comments about my brown complexion which sometime contain harsh words. At those times I feel so broken, and feel like running away to a place where no one insults me. Although she does everything for me- she is a good mother who does all household work- because of these harsh remarks about my colour I don't feel like helping her. I always thought that if I am not beautiful in my mother's eyes, then who else could find me beautiful?

Now all my cousins are getting married. I don't know whether anyone will ever accept me, because everyone wants beautiful girl in my south asian society. Considering the fact that throughout my whole life many people made me realize that I am not beautiful, I don't think I'll ever get married! My hair is getting grey day by day at such a young age. Whenever I see myself in the mirror I feel like crying  seeing the premature greying. I' m taking medicines,but it's not helping 🙁 Now many of my hair strands have turned white!

I always pray to Allah to give me strength, but sometimes I become ungrateful of His blessings and I hate that! I pray 5 times, but I become restless and that's why Allah is not answering my prayers. That's why everybody gets everything so easily, except me. Am I the only one who doesn't deserve any happiness? I know I'm a sinner, and I do repent often and ask Allah to forgive my sins, but maybe I am the biggest sinner and that is why Allah is not accepting my duas.Or maybe He has better plans for me, but I'm losing my patience.

I wanted to do a job. I have done my masters, but I need another degree to become qualified teacher.  At least then if I live alone forever in my life- without having marriage, family, or love-I would be independent. However, my father is not allowing me to join another course. He thinks girls should not do a job because the atmosphere is not safe for girls. My city is famous for crime against women! Although he is the only one who never insults me and loves me, Alhamdulillah, but he is not understanding my fears, my problems, my issues!

Why doesn't Allah help me! Sometimes  I pray to Allah, 'please, I don't want to live anymore',  but then regret it. I know this life is a test, so why am I not able to fully acknowledge this fact? Why am I thinking that every problem is going to remain like this forever? I recite many duas to overcome grief, and gain acceptance of praye

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45 Responses »

  1. Salam sister,

    I completely understand your situation. Unfortunately this discrimination regarding skin colour is so common in the Asian community and some other Muslim communities. Some People have still not left the times of Jahiliya. People still see women as a product! She is only as good as she looks. This attachment to the outer appearance and fair skin is absolutely disgusting! We always blame the west but isn't it our communities who are doing the same! Treating women like commodities. For a women to be marriageable she has to be skinny and FAIR. This is totally shallow behavior. What about the persons personality? Their deen? Character? Does that not mean anything? Is a women not a human being? Just an item to look at!

    I also feel enraged at people like that. Just the other day one of my relatives got married to a very religious kind hearted Muslims. All everyone could say at the wedding was that, " how could he marry her? She is dark skinned" ! I was totally shocked! It didn't matter that she was a practicing compassionate Muslima. Only her outer appearance depicts her worth!

    We are creations of Allah. If Allah has made every single one of us beautiful, how can another humsn being call one ugly because they don't like a certain feature??? Doesn't make sense.

    People don't realize how badly it especially effects girls if they are dark! Our Muslim brothers and morhers need to put a stop to this discrimination and respect all Muslim women regardless of how they look and value a women's deen and character above material worldly appearance which is of no value to Allah or when you die!
    We need to stop carrying these Jahiliya ideas forward and stand up to it. If I see someone discriminating my cousins for being dark I make sure I give them a peace of my mind!!

    Please don't be upset sister. You are not alone. Allah knows your struggle for something which is not your fault. You will be forgiven or rewarded not sure for every thorn that prices you.

    Strive to be the best person and best Muslima you can be. Although it is rare to find good Muslim brothers who don't care about a girls appearance, there are men who are think deeper and will look beyond your skin and complexion and be attracted to the beautiful person you are all round. Wouldn't you love to marry a man like that who loves you and values your personality and character as this will never change. He is a real man who doesn't just chase after worldly desires but something deep and meaningful in the world and akhirah.

    I pray You meet your Prince Charming and Allah keeps you strong and steadfast in deen.

    • @Sumaira MasAllah you really said it well thanks for sharing I feel better even reading your reply and I 100% agree with you.

      • Salam sister,

        I am glad it helped you. This is an issue close to my heart as its so common in my community! One of my kids is darker then the other. Once someone made a comment I was very angry! I told them exactly how I feel! Next time noone dated say anything and apologised for their comments. My son become upset after hearing this! I relized how much it impacted him! I explained to him he is beautiful no matter what colour he is! And comforted him. Now he is much better and does not feel insecure! Look how much problems this society causes us! Society is the biggest emotional killer!

        To the Op I also forgot to say please have a heart to heart with your mother and tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her what crime you commited to deserve this descrimination?! Ask her are you discriminating the creation of Allah?

        Hold your head up high ignore what people say and build up courage to speak up and correct them! If more muslims stand up against this complexion descrimination it will slowly fade away Insha Allah. Xxx

        • Walaikum salam jazakiAllahu khair sis sumaira for understanding my problem and giving me hope .You are right Allah knows my struggle but i become ungrateful sometime even after knowing everything ! Sister its not easy for me to confront my mother on this issue ! Because she does it occasionally but not all the time she sometime pass harsh comments as a joke & then sometime i reply her so badly 🙁 she is a good mother and i know i am a worst daughter !

          I pray to Allah your little son get every happiness ..i know how he feels and i cannot describe how hurt i felt in my childhood.Childrens are very sensitive it matters them alot how other sees them,whether they get the same love as other kids get ,this feeling of being without love and craveness for love of grandparents,uncles etc defined my whole childhood 🙁 May Allah bless you and your kids Ameen

          • Sister,

            Sometimes people feel that " if you can't beat them join them!" Because its much easier then confronting them and having a fight! Your mum may feel the same way and go along with others and joke about it. I know its very difficult to stand up to crime, discrimation, etc etc. but you have to let people know how you feel so at least a seed will be planted in their head that what they are doing is wrong!

            Pray to Allah to give you the strength and one day when all your family members are sitting together. Tell them how are treated and how you feel! Pour out your heart to your grandmother your uncle your aunty! Cry if you have to. Being silent tells them that its bit a big deal!

            My kids are lovely angels Masha Allah and Alhamdullilah I am so grateful to Allah! But sometimes they are harsh to me then I know something is bothering them! I always taught them to be honest with me no matter how bad or in significent it is. I suppose your mum expects the same from you. So let it out! Everytime someone says something have an answer ready. It will be very hard but take the first steps then it will get easier. Everyone has given great advice keep reading them.

            I pray Allah gives you strength. Always remember outer appearance is nothing to Allah. Only shallow human beings give importance to this. Intelligent smart and deeni muslims will look at deeper qualities. Humans make mistakes. Don't take their falsehood as truth!

        • @Sumaira I totally agree and I do think we need to educate our families as the root of the problem is families.

    • If black complexion is bad from the beggining, then why HE has created.... 🙁

  2. Let me tell you something color has nothing to do with making you feel better. It is the society that has created these issues around complexion of people wanting to change there natural skin tone to go lighter in having a perfect skin never mind the damage it causes. No one is perfect Allah made each and everyone one of us differently. I am very fair myself and over the years I have felt the same way as you. Allah made you BEAUTIFUL you don't need to justify it and let me tell you, you will meet the man of your kismet when Allah brings him to you. Keep faith in yourself don't see the complexion as an issue when really it isn't. Love who you are and what Allah has given you ulhumdilAllah you are healthy and have a lot going for you.

  3. oh sister, reading your post made my blood boil.

    Let me tell you dear, dont get depressed- get angry- get very very angry when someone talks about colour of skin.

    if anyone around you says "oh look this person is soooo dark, or whatever" or talks about you-..i want you to stop what you are doing and stare at them- and tell them "excuse me! is there something wrong with the way that Allah created me/or that person?" Does your skin make you a better person? Why are you talking about other people?

    And have a discussion about why is white skin better than darker skin? why? keep asking and talking and soon they will have no answer for you.

    Just as peope have bothered to comment about your skin, you need to talk to them back and ask why they have these ignorant views about skin colour.

    Just confront them and make them feel uncomfortable and they will get the point that they need to stop. IF you sit quitly and just listen to them insult you, well they will just keep doing it.

    Also, sister, do soem research about colonization and how that relates to skin colour. Beauty and what is beautiful is not fair and lovley- its based on racism and racist ideologies that "white" people are more beautiful and thats total junk. This is not a problem that you face alone, this is a problem that media perpetutates with more fair actors getting lead roles, bleaching creams, and all that junk.

    http://youtu.be/Z269dOL9r_k watch this documentary and others like this and know that this is a historical problem. Educate your parents about this.

    As for your dad and education. If its unsafe- how did you get your masters? didnt you have to go outside for that? Maybe there are options for you to work as tutor and teach kids at home if its really unsafe.

    Think outside the box if you cant go outside and maybe start your own business of teaching kids or something that you are capable of doing.

    In the end, this is your test my dear sister. Dont get depressed, just get passionate about educating people about their ignorant views of colour and do confront them about it.

    All the best and your are beautiful!

    • JazakiAllahu khairan samira sister ..what you have said is absolutely correct in sha Allah i will answer them back if they hurt me again but the problem is they all are elder to me ! Since childhood I have been answering to their insensitive remarks by just smiling 🙁 now the situation is more about marriage and love everyone already assume that I will not get married ..especially one of my Taya (father's bro) he thinks his kids are very beautiful and one should always marry a fair girl becoz everyone will see you with high respect and will consider you high status 🙁

      I have done masters through regular college i mean where i had to attend classes daily .. But my father think i have studied enough ! Since the time i have completed my masters my city's atmosphere had really changed with the famous 'Nirbhaya Rape case' did you ever heard of this world famous case?

      • Mysterious flower: Since childhood I have been answering to their insensitive remarks by just smiling 🙁 now the situation is more about marriage and love everyone already assume that I will not get married

        You have been sending a wrong signal by "smiling" at their insensitive remarks. If You had told them you were feeling hurt, I am sure most of them would have stopped.

        If you can't beat your siblings or cousin in skin color, you can beat them in intelligence, by getting a good job.

        If you are skinny and underweight, you should try to have normal body weight.

        Instead of wasting your time on past hurts, prepare and compete for jobs that are given on merit basis (by examinations). God has given you brown color but he may make you the richest among all your siblings and cousins. Not every one can get everything.

        • SVS : "You have been sending a wrong signal by "smiling" at their insensitive remarks. If You had told them you were feeling hurt, I am sure most of them would have stopped"
          Agreed ! But you know what I know them better and some people just dont care about others feeling 🙁 & its quite obvious one can easily understand how other person is feeling by their expressions although i used to smile but still couldnt stop my tears i mean little watery eyes everybody could see it ! You know once when my maternal grandmother insulted me my eyes were filled with tears but still she didnt stop ! May Allah forgive her she passed away in january.

          Yeah I am trying to overcome past hurts and will focus on building my career and I understand not everyone get everything but what I want is little respect and strength to be steadfast on my deen which has been affected by this issue, I dont want to become ungrateful to Allah 's blessings !

          • Mysterious flower: I just don't feel any pain about her death....... some people just dont care about others feeling ......

            One's emotional state some times makes them behave insensitively with other.
            People (adults/older) with low self esteem try to show others in bad light to feel better about themselves. One who feels superior (uncle) inside has no need to show others as inferior, only insecure people do that.

            Don't let other people control and define you.

    • @samina sister you rightly said Allah has made everyone beautiful and its the societ which creates difference ! You are right Allah has given me good health I should be thankful to him Alhamdulillah for everything jazakiAllahu khair

      @SVS JazakAllahu khair in sha Allah i will try to make him understand my problem

      @leylani jazakAllahu khair 'Ideals' or different parameters to judge beauty ..I dont know all my life i have known & have seen just 1 ideal or parameter of beauty and that is 'Fair' complexion
      But still all of your views brothers and sisters gave me hope to see my pain differently and accept myself ! Leylani sis/bro i will remember your advice

      "You don't need to live up to anyone's ideals, you only need to live up to your own"

  4. Wa 'alaikom alsalam!

    Sister , I can tell you've been hurt alot and that youre in despair. But please, don't be. And have you ever tried looking at your reflection and loving it instead of despising it? Learn to love yourself for who you are and love your looks as well because, dear, you were created by Allah the Almighty and he created you in the best of ways. Surah At-Taghabun, Verse 3:
    خَلَقَ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضَ بِالْحَقِّ وَصَوَّرَكُمْ فَأَحْسَنَ صُوَرَكُمْ وَإِلَيْهِ الْمَصِيرُ

    He created the heavens and the earth with truth, and He formed you, then made goodly your forms, and to Him is the ultimate resort.
    (English - Shakir)

    Surah At-Tin, Verse 4:
    لَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا الْإِنسَانَ فِي أَحْسَنِ تَقْوِيمٍ

    Certainly We created man in the best make.
    (English - Shakir)

    If mankind is too ignorant to see the beauty in Allah's creation then don't do yourself the injustice of missing the chance to see it in your very own face!

    As for the greying hairs, don't worry about them. I myself am a few years younger than you and my hairs have been greying since I was thirteen (or was it twelve?) and it's no big deal. And try not to stress too much because that's known to invite grey hairs.

    And as for your father, he seems like a good man and you seem to have a good relation with him. Maybe you could talk to him about that education that you wish to further? Let him know that you understand his concerns but that you also worry (and to which extent) and that it's making you feel bad.

    And what ever happens may Allah be with you and help you.

    • Assalamualaikum sister 'shineforyou' thanx for helping me through Quran Verses I really appreciate this In sha Allah i will try to see good in me

      I dont know how you are coping with the problem of grey hair because I am finding it very hard to ignore this problem whenever I see my hair I feel soo hurt I cannot make any good hair style like other girls 🙁 because of premature greying ..i dont know why even medicines are not helping me ! May Allah make it easy for both of us Ameen and
      In sha Allah i will talk to my father again & make him understand .

      • I'm not sure why they bother you so much, I mean do people even notice? As for me I've got hair of coarse texture, rather short, a color that looks brittle no matter how much moisturiser I apply and that's been damaged more than you can imagine. Do you know what I do about it? I wash it, apply some oil replacement (I gave up on moisturisers and oils), run a comb through it and put it up with a hairband. And then i get on with my day. Do you wonder how I meet people with my hair? I just do. And I do so with a if-you-like-it-then-that's-good-for-you-and-if-you-don't -then-that's-your-problem-attitude. You'd be amazed at how much easier things get when you don't worry or care. 🙂

        And, sister, I want you to change your " In sha Allah i will try to see good in me" into 'In sha Allah i WILL see good in me'.

        • Salam
          shineforyou :I want you to change your " In sha Allah i will try to see good in me" into 'In sha Allah i WILL see good in me'

          In sha Allah I will see good in me
          Thank you sister, you are in good mental health and have peace of mind Ma sha Allah where this premature greying and other related issues doesnt hurt you May be right now I am not in that healthy space pray for me sister I also want to be happy and less bother about what other thinks

          • You feel like you're not in "that healthy place"? What's stopping you from getting there?

            Try to look at things this way: You have two options. Number one: you can spend the rest of your days feeling insecure counting your "flaws" and being miserable. Number two: you can allow yourself some due confidence, count your blessings, admire what Allah has created you as and join me in "that healthy place". The choice is yours, sister.

            May Allah ease your mind sister

  5. Search without make up with make up on the Internet and see how much difference can happen in looks. Your hairstyle, your clothes, a little make up can some time make a hugh difference in looks and attraction. Most people are attracted to physical beauty. Brown color is not bad at all.

    You should finish your remaining course. Tell your dad it will be nice to finish the course in case "I need to work" because of unforeseen circumstances.

  6. It makes me sad to read about someone being harrassed and bullied for their skin colour 🙁

    Please don't ever believe dark skin isn't beautiful - maybe it's not considered so in Asian cultures and communities, but do you realize the extend women and men all over the rest of the world go to in order to get darker skin? Because that's what they consider to be beautiful? Where I live, most people are fair-skinned and don't like it. They think dark skin is absolutely beautiful and exotic, and people here love tanning under the sun and sunbeds to get that dark skin. So much that we have the highest rate of skin cancer patients in the world!

    Sister, I'm very light skinned, and where I live people make fun of how pale I am. I could let it bother me, but I am actually very content with my colour, and I am happy with myself. So other people's comments don't get to me. It actually angers me when I'm being told I need to tan. Why would I do that? Tanning is so unhealthy and dangerous - I'm not willing to risk my health in order to live up to someone else's twisted idea about dark skin being more beautiful than white skin.

    Please embrace your lovely skin colour and try to block your family's negative comments about your it out. Please realize that this mad skin colour ideal isn't everyone's ideal! A lot of men out there will look at your skin and see it as part of your beauty - trust me :). Don't let your family make you believe you won't find love because of your skin, or that you are unable to love because of your skin. It's not the truth, and it never will be! :).

    Please remember that beauty isn't something that can be reduced down to one single entity the entire world agrees upon. We all have different beauty ideals, and one ideal is not necessarily better or worse than another. You don't need to live up to anyone's ideals, you only need to live up to your own.

    As for your hair, I think it's quite common for Asian women to get grey hairs at an early age. I have quite a few Pakistani friends who have had grey hairs for as long as I can remember. I can understand it's frustrating to have them at such a young age, but it's something you can easily fix by dying your hair. Please don't feel depressed about it...a lot of young women dye their hair anyway!

  7. Asalamu alaikum,
    Dear sister i understand your feelings, because i had gone through the same situation. I am also brown, and i have faced a lot of such situations.. But alhamdulillah now iam happy.
    At those times inferiority complex was eating my mind, i was a brilliant student, top scorer in my school. But when i realised iam not accepted anywhere due to my uglyness i fell into huge deppression. I tried to open my mind to close ones, but even my mom didnt understand me.
    We cant blame the society completly for the problem. Because Allah made human's brain like that. We are always attracted to beautiful things. If there are a lot of different flowers we never wish for the ugly flowers, but we always go for beautiful flowers. And in holy Quran also it is said, for our good deeds, we are rewarded with houris in jannath, who are the most beautiful. So iam not claiming 'external beauty is nothing internal beauty is everything'. I had heard it a lot, and it never relieved my pain. Like u i had thought about suicide many times. oftenly i blamed Allah a lot, asthagfirullah...
    I cried a lot when my cousins were getting married, and i was getting rejected for iam not beautiful.
    I know, now u r facing the same situation.
    But we have to understand the fact, even a dried leaf wont move without Allah's knowledge.
    Allah told in Quran no one will enter Jannah without going through hard experiments. Understand this misery is our question paper.
    Allah examine human by giving wealth, proverty, uglyness, beauty, diseases, health, love, hatred, intelligence, children and everything.
    Can u imagine, if Allah appear infront of u and asking i will make u beautiful, but instead of that i will make u blind or i will make u mentally retarded or i will take ur leg or anything. Sure ur answer will be a big NO. So when u r getting deppressed think about the other things he gave u perfectly. Practice ur mind to think that, Allah is examining someone with blindess or anything, u r examined by ur uglyness. For every insult u r facing or for every tear u r wearing ur sins will be forgived. Allah is examining us more and more for saving us from the hell fire.
    And about marriage, think if u r beautiful and a nice guy came to marry u and he dies soon after the marriage, what will happen at that time ur beauty will never make u happy. We are not sure that, in the next moment we will live or die. If Allah decided to give u a husband he will certainly come infront of u in time. Allah will make his mind to get attracted to u. This happend to me. Now iam happily married, alhamdulillah. And u know, he is so beautiful. And if i share my beauty problms to him, he tells me u r so beautiful to me, i am lucky to get a nice wife like u. Iam thanking Allah for that.. and iam sure my other beautiful cousins are not that happy in married life, because beauty is a pleasure of eyes, and it will get bored continuously seeing the same. But ur charactor, ur love and compassion towards him will make him to love u always.
    i think this will help u. always get connected to Allah. Allah need us so close to him thats why we are rejected from others. Be happy.

    • Walaikumsalam sis Isha I am glad you found happiness 🙂 In sha Allah I will be grateful to Allah for all his blessings .Right Allah test all of us differently some with beauty,wealth etc

      I hope one day I get rid of this inferiority complex please pray for me Sisters ! I feel like i have no talent and no confidence left in me like no one will give me a job because i am not worthy of it ! May Allah make it easy for me

  8. Asslam Aleykoum W.r W.b

    Dark is beautiful... Very exotic. SubhanaAllah. I have a chocolatish/Caramelish complexion. I grew up with the same issue when I lived in Egypt. I grew up wishing that I was light skinned like my cousin who MashaAllah was/is very gorgeous. People would make comparisons between us and I believe it might have affected our relationship had we lived in the same house for a long period of time. It so happened that she and her family moved to Canada at an early age (11 years old).

    After that, I remember still going through banters about my skin tone but Alhamduillah its effect was not that bad... Maybe because I had so many other goals to focus on as I was growing up that it took away my focus on what others thought about my complexion.

    I moved to US at the age of 19.It affected me a little more so in my years of post-teen until the age of 28 than before. As many guys from my culture prefer light skinned girls.

    But through Allah's SWT means, a certain someone couldn’t stop praising my complexion and may be through this person, Allah SWT made me realize how beautiful I am and my self esteem sky-rocketed. Plus, I was a late bloomer. lol

    Now? I can’t stop falling in love with my complexion and thank Allah SWT whenever I look at myself in the mirror.

    So sister, you are not alone. But here is my piece of advice. Focus on something that you are good at and place all your efforts in boosting your self esteem. In the meantime, never fail even for one second to praise Allah SWT for His artistic creation and beauty. Allah SWT created you, not these people. So say Alhamdulillah.

    Your Sister In Islam
    SisterZahriya

  9. @sumaira you are right sister i need to tell my mother how i feel may be then she will understand and what you had said about telling other family members uncle,grandmother etc ,its not possible becoz i meet my uncle only occasionally & he has the problem of superiority complex according to him he n his family is superior to my family becoz of money richness and good looks he n his childrens possessed . As far as grandmother is concerned she is not alive anmore but I only have sour memories of her 🙁 unfortunately not even a single good memory

    @sisterZahriya - Thank you sis for sharing your story and advice now I feel I am not alone In sha Allah i will focus on boosting my self esteem

  10. As salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh. Well as an African American female I can TOTALLY relate. You can always be with(try to find) a black guy, they like everyone except black women lol. Unless they are too dark for you... *wink*

  11. your loosing patience , why just because you dont get what you want and you comming on here and saying stuff like why doesnt allah help me just shows how low your faith is and maybe thats why your prayers arent answered

    • This is a very nasty response.

      I can totally related to the OP and I don't think she is ungrateful at al. I always had an inferiority complex when I was around muslims, because regardless of which culture they are from (Egyptian, Pakistani, Saudi) they hold "pretty" girls, slim girls, and fair girls in high regard. I was always considered bookish, chubby and average-looking. I was also short. My parents didn't make fun of my looks, but my dad made comments about my weight.

      However, I always tried to focus on the positive. I did my hair nicely, wore smart clothing, did well in school so I was successful. I worked out, and still work out, at the gym so I maintained a healthy body weight and try to lose weight whenever the pounds come back on.

      This is a very difficult situation for a muslim girl to be in, because marriages happen through "word of mouth" and these word of mouth referrals are VERY dependent on looks, age, physique, and family status. If you are average looking then no one is going to be interested in you. I know many dark-skinned girls and overweight girls who just went out and met men on their own just like non-muslim girls, and some ended up with non-muslim husbands who converted at the time of marriage. They are now happily married with children. Not all muslim girls have the guts to go out and date - I certainly didn't.

      So its not about being ungrateful to Allah. These types of issues cut women to the core, especially if they are practicing Islam. And while you try to focus on the positive, at the end of the day having a job and a good education and nice hair does not replace the love and support that a family, husband and children will provide, and that is the part that really stings.

      I think the OP may be in an even more difficult spot because it sounds like she lives in Pakistan or another conservative muslim country, where it is much harder to go out and make a life for yourself if you are a single muslim woman with few prospects of marriage. At least in the west, muslim women can work, pursue careers, play sports, live independently, travel etc.

      • Precious Star: My parents didn't make fun of my looks, but my dad made comments about my weight..... I know many dark-skinned girls and overweight girls who just went out and met men on their own just like non-Muslim girls, and some ended up with non-Muslim husbands who converted at the time of marriage. They are now happily married with children. Not all Muslim girls have the guts to go out and date - I certainly didn't.

        How should one tell a close relative he/she is concerned about his/her weight problem nicely? Only concern is to help them stay healthy.

        What is keeping you from dating? Dating can be simple like going to a movie or coffee?

        • Dating requires making yourself attractive and available to men, being receptive to their attention, so that they want to go out with you to a movie or a coffee. But it does not stop at a movie or coffee. They aren't going to want to sit in a coffee shop with you for the next six months - dating usually involves some form of intimacy if not sex.

      • Thanks precious star sister you are right this is what exactly had happened with me these harsh comments and behaviours always cut you to the core 🙁 Yeah it is very hard to go out and work in my community .I am struggling becoz nobody willingly ggave permission me to join course .I kept pester them to allow me .Now as I have joined the course I feel I am battling alone ,all responsibility of my decision is in my shoulder I cannot complain, I cannot get emotional support if i am facing problem in course because they all would say thats your choice you r responsible anyways thnx for supporting me

  12. its not about what we need to do and what they need to, if they evr felt like this they have changed till now. anyways for white strands it is due to depression.

    you can highlight your hair, it is now a fashion to highlight or dye your hair it looks good, increases the personality.
    go for brown shades, or reddish one.
    secondly u r suffering from complex stop taking things personally and talk to your family tell them to stop it.
    choose the colors that go well with your complexion like maroon, dark blue, royal blue, white, dark purple, pinkish purple, coffee pink, black, dark green, golden, brown any shade in creamish brown and autumn colors

    dont go for yellow and orange and pastel colors like peach, whitish pink etc it will make you look darker than you really are.

    if they dont stop making fun of you then there is only one way and in reality it works throw things at them and speak very rudely then they will realize what they are doing, such [people dont deserve respect.
    brown is considered the sexiest complexion and thats universal.
    you need to be the best not the better ok.

  13. I was searching on net regarding my situation and came across your post.
    I am 26 male, and believe me, I feel the same, why... because I am dark skinned. Throughout my life, people have made fun of me and my skin complexion. I have attempted suicide but I was saved. Now at this age, I feel there is nothing left for me to do, even though I am educated, earn more than what an average person does. But this constant reminder from the society that I am unattractive because of my skin colour makes me feel worthless.

    • Anon, not all people see dark skin as unattractive. Some find it elegant. Also, you will notice as you get older that dark-skinned people do not show their age as much as light-skinned people, because of the natural protection from the sun afforded by melanin.

      The bottom line, however, is that you have what Allah has given you. Allah gives nothing that is worthless. He only gives priceless gifts. "Then which of the favors of your Lord will you deny." Ignore the opinions of the ignorant. Accept what you have been given and value yourself as a beautiful human being.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  14. As salamu alikum sister i dnno what to say even i have gone through the saime problem and still suffering my siblings and all my cusins are so fair and butiful and i am alone in my family is dark.. I never use to think i am dark until ppl started passing comments on me i used to cry alot i am 21 yr girl completed my btech this year and m very loving and very emotional kindda girl the other awful thing that happend in my life is the one i loved left me the reson was my dark skin inspite of being butifl as persn what ppl see is xterior not the interior rasool Allah s.a.w p.b.oh said a girl is married for 4 reasons 1) by seeing her beauty 2) seeing her wealth 3) seeing the family background 4) seeing how firm she is on deen and the best thing is to go with the deen and it is also said that world is full of treasure and the precious treasure for a man is a rightious wife ... And alhmdulillah i realizd what ever we are short long fat slim dark fair Allah loves ech and every individual equally and there are many quranic aayat that can bring noor on face i.e. Aayath no.107 from sureh imraan and aayath no.35 from sureh noor
    Allah created women to b loved and to b respected we worth much more dont feel low we are blessed to b born as muslimaah
    what all u can do when u feel sad or low is make dua belive me dua has power to change destiny and dont lose hope
    may allah bless each and every muslimah with piety chastity bueaty and grant them the rightious spouse who loves them truely Ameen
    Remember me too in ua supplications

  15. Assalamualaikum Hope you all are doing well in your life .Thanks anon and jannat for sharing your experiences .
    The last time I had posted here you all gave me very good advices I have had tried to change myself for better ,I had tried to convince my parents to allow me to join professional course it took a year to convinced them to let me appear for entrance exam Alhamdulillah fortunately I have cleared the exam but even after clearing my exam they again started the same old story its quite far away ,its not safe for you ! Etc etc but I kept arguing with them to allow me take admission .Alhamdulillah I recently taken admission in the course its been a week since I have joined the course for Teacher Training its a 2 year course.
    But the problem is I feel I am alone in the class all my classmates are very intelligent many of them have so much experienced of working with NGOs, some are very good orator,
    with very good academic backgraound many of them had been part of placement cells of their colleges , some students are into sports Most Importantly they all have very good communication skills They are very good when it comes to communicate in English .They all have mastery over English language and they can express themselves in best of manner with confidence .On the hand I am not confident at all I cannot express myself like them my english is not good 🙁 I dont have any good work experience neither do I have any certificate course diploma, like they have in some languages French ,spanish etc . What should I do ? I feel like I won't be able to complete this course with good marks because I m lacking in all these qualities specially mastery over good english language and confidence level 🙁 Please suggest me what should I do ?

    • your English is pretty good. Why don't you order some language CD's, and listen to them and repeat what they say? You must study English on your own as well, in order to increase your confidence level and improve yourself. There are lots of online and digital resources available to you. Its also important that you practice your English outside of school. Follow along with a CD. Buy an audio book and listen to is, or repeat the contents out loud. There's lots you can do to increase your confidence. Masha'Allah you got in to the course - now keep at it!

      • What are the good online sites for improving english language speaking skills ? Actually whenever I tries to communicate in english I dont know why this wrong english phobia & the people would laugh on me thing keep playing on my mind so I always end up not communicating in english I feel whenever I try to speak in english I am making mistakes I just automatically stop talking 🙁 I understand english very well but somehow I am unable to communicate in english it breaks my confidence ! I think how you looks like also played an important role in boosting your confidence. You would often find girls who are extremely beautiful with exceptional confidence & personality . May be thats why I am finding it hard to improve my personality,my confidence level,my skills . Though I believe I have improve myself alot after sharing my problem with you all 🙂 and with all brother and sisters valuable advices

  16. Sister Your story is quite similar to my story of life ... Except that my mother and other family member insult me with their harsh comments ... This fear of marriage is also with me 🙁 i completely understand your feelings and intensions
    Whenever i am praying for myself i will also make a dua for you InshaAllah

  17. Salam alaykum

    Just read your story and I had tears in my eyes

    I have met someone I'd like to marry he's never said to me About my skin colour being dark. He is very fair as is most of his family.

    I'm not really dark but I am tanned and darker than him.

    His parents have come round a fewtimes and everything was finalised about marriage. Then all of a sudden less contact resorted to no contact.
    It has only come to light that the mother thinks I'm too dark Nd her son is better looking.
    I feel so offended I literally don't know what to do. I feel so hurt so hurt that I cannot stop crying and I don't know what to do.

    What do I tell my family Wer do I go from here my mother is no longer here. I prayed my salah Nd cried . Why am I dark why am I not accepted why is he better I may be dark but my skin is lovely unlike his fair skin with uneven skin. SAMe for his family fair but not nice skin. It's so hard Iv left my job everything thinking I'm getting married and now I don't know what's going to happen all because I'm not fair. :'(

    I really hate this I feel so sad I explained to him am I not human do I not have feelings he told me he didn't want to tell me but it doesn't seem he defended me either.
    Everyone knows I'm due to marry but I don't know if I am now what do I do what do I say his mum refuses to call Nd speak to my family I'm so lost and confused . 🙁

  18. It's like I'm reading a story about my life

  19. actually thanks for posting this about your life sister because i am having fair skin everything what i want but then also i am saying why i am not beautiful and my mother always tought me all are beautiful in thier own way some have big lashes some have good eye brows some are not beautiful but attracted inside beauty is important i know no one see inside beauty now but all are not same but inshalah in jannah one prince will be waiting for you and if i will tell you one thig i will never marry inshallah ameen better i can do job and live by my own

    • Assalamu alaikum everyone may Allah SWT make all of your lives easier and happier ameen summa ameen. I was also compared to one of my cousin who was really fair when we were little, but after we moved to the U.S. I got hyper pigmentation around my mouth for about four years. At first it was so dark that whenever I would go outside people would look at me with pity and feel sorry for me. At that time I was not a very religious person because my family was never an Islamic family also I was 11 years old. As years went by and it painfully slowly got better a little bit I had never heard any rude remarks from my family, but recently sometimes my mom would call me dead meaning I look like a dead person. Dark circles under my eyes acne scar on my forehead and nose and hyper pigmentation around my mouth does actually make me look like a dead person. And sometimes it sends a pang to my heart so bad that I just want to die.

      However, by the will of Allah SWT Alhamdulillah I am now a much better Muslimah then I ever was. I have started wearing hijab and long dresses and skirts not that I haven't before. I have always worn full sleeved dress, but wearing hijab was the last step. It was after wearing hijab that my Allah has given me hidayah (guidance) to Islam. I started reading books about Islam in Wattpad and I soon learned a lot about my religion. Also I started listening to Mufti Menk, Zakir Naik, and Nouman Ali Khan. In one of the stories I recently found out about an app called Never Miss Fajr which I now use to wake up for fajr salah and Alhamdulillah I have been waking up for fajr for more than a month.

      Sisters if your hair is becoming grey you should wear hijab the direct command from Allah to all women. It will give your face the noor and shine you deserve. Even though my hyper pigmentation and dark circle, and acne scar is not gone totally it has reduced a little bit for which I am very thankful to Allah. My mom loves me a lot, but sometimes when she is angry she just says whatever is on her mind.

      I am not angry at her I am just sad, but I am asking for forgiveness from Allah for ever wanting to die. Also my mom was the one who actually made me a better Muslimah as well as her for which I am very thankful to her and Allah. I am soon turning 16 and I am sooooo glad that I got to know the right value of Islam so early Alhamdulillah. May Allah make everyone's lives easier ameen summa ameen.

  20. Dear don't lose your hope. In my house to such things happen but I never give them any satisfaction that they hurt me . I smile at their comment and reply too . Black is also a beautiful color .color doesn't compare a person's beauty it is the heart she cares with her and I am sure you are more beautiful in that .so whenever someone comment about your beauty tell them staright forward ' I AM HAPPY WITH HOW I LOOK. AND I DONT THINK YOU ALL SHOULD BOTHER ABOUT ME . TRY TO GET A LIFE PEOPLE RATHER THAN SAYING ALL THIS.

  21. Sorry sis about the racist people we just going to have deal with it white skin beautiful even Allah making them fair skin in Jannah and black is the most undesirable color in the world and white everything is beautiful this might be a test of Allah or his gift all we have to do is accept what can we do right.

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