Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My conscience or waswas?

My Husband; A gift from Allah.

Asalam alaikum

My issue concerns my conscience towards Allah. I feel extreme guilt.

I must tell it all frm begnning

I know a man since many years now. I love him and wanted to marry him he is a good person. Somehow many years back before we were married (cause we are married since half year now), I made istikhara but inside I really wanted to marry him, I couldn't imagine leaving him. I did istikhara because I needed to forget a wrong istikhara I did without thinking, with opening quran randomly and so on and taking first word which came out a bit shocking like rethink or hell. I found its a wrong istikhara and shia do this but I couldn't forget it. I kept thinking that while doing it I didn't know it was wrong and Allah gave me right sign towards my niyat. But to keep hope I had to do sunnah way so I could feel better.

The thing is that I actually wanted to marry him but some opinions say one must decline his wish which is difficult but some others say your heart will always want sth. Anyway I used to think Allah giving me signs I should leave him - any small thing I thought I must leave him. I actually don't see the isitkhara as asking for khair but I was seeing it now more as getting permission from Allah. Cause when something negative happened and I thought thats a sign that Allah tells me to leave I kept fearing and couldn't accept it inside. I wanted to continue at the end its decree whatever comes.

But my niyat is I feel so bad I actually feel like I went against Allahs permission. I didn't want to leave him anyway and Allah counts that. After I married now everything of these odd thoughts came back. I feel I have chosen someone over Allah and the fact which makes me depressed most is that I can't imagine to leave him, I can't. Thats makes me feel so much more hypocritical and sinful. I again fell into confusion fear asking Allah to forgive me and so on.

Always again seeing sth like signs as Allah again sending me signs. Like reading some sentence or hadith by coincidence fitting to me as Allah telling me leave him. But once that happened I couldnt again accept it and think doing it. It's like I know I won't do it, I cant do it. As long as I cant I am feeling I am willingly accepting that I go against Allah and prefer someone astaghfirullah.

Because thats what I just cant do, this pain I couldnt take it, why should Allah be pleased with me and this marriage. You know if my intention would be just to want khair in my life with him no calamities etc, then I would say I have made istikhara with fully correct intentions and now also just wanting best.

But what concerns me is that I don't have to leave him that I can be with him forever. I would bear problems I will have etc but not that I must leave him.. thtsy I cant even say: no my only intention is I want to stay with him with hope for good life etc. But my real and only intention is just that I cant leave him. You know what I mean? Its like this fear I have which I feel got bigger than I should have fear of Allah is exactly the thing I must sacrifice then only then I'm sincere cuz thats exactly what I cant do in my mind for Allah.

One day again I said ya Allah what should I do that you forgive me and repeating it again again while walking. In that moment my husband called and I went to take phone out of my bag and the bag got torn in that moment. As a sign I should leave him which means tearing. Thinking Allah is trying to help me and show me but I dont want to follow it anyway thats the thing. Even if these signs are wrong I cant follow them anyway, I feel so hypocritical. As it counted I dont want to follow it anyway.

What difference it makes then.. if I ask Allah to forgive me. I find myself feeling like I said Allah forgive me that I cant leave someone for you and prove my love to you which is more. You see how I feel. What should I do? I feel its my nafs wanting him. I have a battle with my nafs which desires wishes sth but in wrong way and with wrong niyat and with wrong priority why I think Allah will count what I feel doing. Allah knows all.

I cant come out of that circle. I cant stop my feelings which I have towards husband nor i can choose him over Allah. Im suffering I have like a test I feel.

Will Allah punish me? Will he count all I feel and act upon? Because I feel I'm doing sin. It's not that I imagine something which isnt there. I feel there is a choosing and I cant do it .



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3 Responses »

  1. Salam Sister you oveethink too much ,so shaitan uses it against you thinking that you are doing wrong..As long as you are married accordingly the correct way you have made Allah pleased.Dont you agree when the world in regards to us muslims that people are commiting adultry fornication and worse divorce !!!And thats what shaitan wants to spoil the generations to come so there is noo proper Islam. My advice take it or leave it. 1)recite manzil every morn and night for atleast sometime .This will undue any blk magic down on you or remove the jinn.This is to secure yourself.Remeber you must be already be praying 5 times a day and keeping away from any haram like food and entertainment.2) Give sadaqah regularly,like every fridays to the local mosque the key to all amals is consistency. I remeber one saying and that is :An idle mans brain is a devils workshop. Anyways Allah is very merciful anf forgiving dont think that Allah is angry and these little sings are telling me to leave.Believe me you are weak minded and a easy target for correct you niyyat and keep the zikr Allah at all times,perfec salah and read quran morning and before bed..Do taleem as a family and the noor will enter the house. but your husband must be praying atleast 1 salah at the mosque daily min. or else your life becomes hard. Also connect with sisters at mosque this is good for your social life and getting involved with community. I come with alot of experience and married to a women scholor who studied 7yrs in England. So build your Iman ask the scholors for advice. Good luk sister and be happy

  2. WSalam. Sister if you have done istikhara in the proper way i.e offering 2 rakahs of nafil prayer followed by dua of istikhara and then eventually you married your husband and are happy with him then as far as I understand this is the good
    Allah SWT has blessed you with as a result of your supplication and asking for guidance. That is the positive outcome of your istikhara. If it was not in your best interest you would not have been so happy as you are with your husband. Mashallah. I agree with the previous poster that you are thinking too much into it. I also think you must read up the articles on istikhara on this site so as to properly understand what it is all about.

  3. this is not istekhara and if your marriage is going well then whats the problem, why Allah would be angry on nikkah cmon, do you think Allah want you to get divorce from him? . you should be grateful for your successful married life.

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