Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My crazy forced marriage- I’m tired of it!

Broken marriage, infidelity, cheating, adultery

AsSalam Wahalaykum, My Dear Brothers And Sisters.

Please do not judge me. Please try to put yourself in my place, and look at this from my view. I will try to make this as short as possible.

I was only 15 at the time of my nikkah. I was uneducated in marriage, and I didn't have a clue what nikkah meant. I had just went overseas for a vacation with my uncle. It was me, one brother and one sister. Just when we were about to leave, the night before my uncle did mine and my sisters nikkah.

So here is the main part, listen well because I don't understand this part. My sister fell in love with the guy that was picked for her. So hers was like an arranged/love marriage. My mother was against my nikkah  so she told my uncle I was too small. My dad left everything to his brother; he gave him the right and everything (so you know how my dad felt. Anyways). My uncle told my mom, "No, it's okay, I'm here now and we should do it now". I was young and stupid and thought, "oh cool- married, love, hugs, talking, etc" so I said okay but without the knowledge of what in the world a mikkah was.

So our nikkah happened, and when we came back my sister kept in touch with her husband because they were gonna get married the next year- after she filed papers on his behalf. So I did the same. I called him a lot. He was nice to me in the beginning, but we fought a lot. I slowly started to find out he was the mean, bossy type of guy. He didn't care- when he was done he would hang up even if I still wanted to talk. Anyways. I talked to him for I think it was 3 months or less. Then we got in a big fight, and he is from pakiland so he is very uneducated. He would always say very bad things to me,  and I was then 16, very young and very sensitive. I told him that I couldn't marry him. Then I stopped calling him. He didn't care. he never called me, it would always be me to call him.

So, anyways. When I was of age to file papers for him, I did. I cried for 2 years straight. I didn't talk to him and he didn't to me.
So the year I turned 19 they forced me and one of my older brothers to go overseas to get married to people we didn't want to get married to. For 4 years I told anyone and everyone I didn't want to get married to him  (the one who was chosen for me), but my uncle is very scary. So you see, no girl in our house has any say in anything. He's a hypocrite- he follows his culture more than the sunnah or Quran.

So I was there overseas for 2 years. My brother ran away, but I could not because I was a girl. even while I was there i didn't want to get married to him. After like 7 to 8 months, he came to our house to say he wanted to get married. I knew because of my uncle and father and their stupid culture that I was going to be forced. I accepted his apology because there was no other way out. (Keep in mind I'm a low self esteem westerner who only wanted peace in the family, and wanted my parents to be happy.)

So let's fast foward  to all the heartache we went through. So now my 2 oldest brothers got married to one of HIS (my husband's) sisters, which was also forced. But like me, my brother only wanted peace. We put our happiness aside because our uncle was being a child. So anyways. My brother got married first, then I did like 7 months later. Fast foward to married life.... (there was once again a lot of heartache in between)......

So now I'm married, even though I didn't want this. I was disrespected, mistreated, not even considered a family member by any of them other than HIS father. The mom and sisters hated me, they made my life very miserable, but they did it in the smart way (two-faced way). He always told me, "it's okay, forget it, be patient with them", and I did.  But that's not the point. We got in fights every other day. I wanted emotional love and support while he want the other kind. I did my duties as a wife in that department, but he still wouldn't let em go to my house because his mom fed him lies all the time. I went home very little, and he abused me when I wouldn't agree with him.

He promised me I could go back to the U.S. after I was expecting,  but just living there was real bad. They really didn't care for me at all- I was like Cinderella without the cleaning part. They wouldn't talk to me unless it was a joke about me and they wouldn't eat anything I cooked. My mother in law never showed me any duties to do around the house- which I really wanted to do just to fit in. They never sat by me. When someone would call for me, they would say I was sleeping. When her son would come home, she would tell him everything and much more.

I fought with him a lot, and he with me. You have to understand, while I was 17-19 years of age, I educated myself on marriage, so to me marriage was really special. And I tried to make it work. I never slept away from him no matter how angry I was, only because of ALLAH Pak and the Angels that curse a wife who dosen't sleep with her husband at night. There's a lot of hadiths I read on that topic, so I was always scared.

Anyways, back to the problem. Everyday was like this. I got the news I was gonna have a baby, so I had brought it up to him if I could go back home and he said no. Then he promised that when I was 3 months,  so I said okay. Life didn't get any easier; they all still hated me and now the father was gone too. I couldn't go home very often so I was stuck there, unhappy and very emotional and lonely. Ie would leave in the morning, and come for eating and then go back out. His mom would encourage him to stay out. He didn't give me any money so I lived on what my family gave me. He would rarely buy me the food I wanted, and he would abuse me while I was in that condition. So anyways. I could go on for days and days, but I won't.

I was 3 months along, and he then said no. Now he didn't want me to go at all- his mother's idea. He said I had to have the baby there no matter what. So while I was there I was anemic and I had kidney stones in both kidneys. My health was very bad, and even the doctor told me I should leave but he wouldn't let me. I got my mom involved and it was nothing but drama after that. My dad was mad and he wanted me out of that house, so after the big fight (by the way, my dad and mom are in the U.S.- not where I'm at) he promised that he would let me go back after his interview. This was another lie. He didn't get his visa because he failed the interview (THANK THE GREAT LORD ABOVE) Then he had to send me back because my dad told him he had to.

So anyways, I prayed every night to go back. I was dying, and the doc said that me and baby both were bad. So I left with my uncle and little cousin. I was 7 months along then, and I was scared they weren't gonna let me board but another miracle let me through so now I'm home and safe. I talked to him for about one month, and he started harassing me over the phone. We fought all the time again. I stopped picking up his phone, and I talked to him only when the baby was born. He didn't ask me how I was. He didn't let me have a say in the name- he just picked one and that's it. I was still so scared of him that I just did what he said, which I regret now, but anyways. So I go home and he video calls me to see the baby, and I let him for 3 minutes then he starts shouting at me for nothing. I stopped talking to him; I'm fed up with him at this point.

So he calls like every other day for a month to see the baby but I don't let him. Then he stopped calling me. Now his sister is here as my brother's wife, and without my permission she sends him pictures.Then a death happened in the family. It was a little girl. I felt so bad thatI called him, but he didn't pick up so now he is giving me the cold shoulder.

This last year my son had surgery and I had no spouse to talk to. I tried and tried to heal our relationship, but he didn't want to listen, not even for the baby. Then I tried again because my mom asked me to. So I tried again and again to mend this marriage, but he didnt want to mend, he wanted to hurt. Even though I really do hate this man, for my parents and my baby and ALLAH PAK I was willing to make it work. Even though I was going to be miserable,  I still tried. I did all the subak I knew of, and I would cry to ALLAH for help and for a peaceful life. I did everything just so I wouldn't have any regrets or second thoughts. I even wrote to the embassy like 5 times to ask them to give him his visa.

He told me the baby is not his except in name. I have never asked him for one dollar of support, nor has he ever sent any.
He doesn't want to come and doesn't want to make this marriage work.They want me to sit until I get old, then no one will want an old girl with a kid. I am depressed half the time- crying, sad and hating myself. I feel like a burden on my parents, who I live with. I need advice. I told my mom I want a divorce and to talk to my dad.

Can anyone- male or female- live single for two years? I am terrified of the afterlife and I have a strict uncle and father. But I know how he is, he can't last 2 months without that kind of contact...and it's been two years.  I know he has someone or many others in his life, but I don't care.  I just want to be free from him and from them. I want a real life for my baby. My life is on hold,  and my baby is growing too fast.

What do I do? I don't understand. I said okay because I was naive, then I didn't want it and was forced. Did the nikkah count since I was uneducated? Did it count if I was married 4 years after the nikkah took place? What do I do? I don't have a voice in my own life- I never did. How do I stand up for what I want- which is peace and to be free from him? Please help me.

There is a lot to this story, but I said as much as I could without making it too long. I am crying now after revisiting all those years of tears and sadness. Please help me. Give my mind some peace. I think I am the bad one here. I'm so scared of what's gonna happen to me on judgement day. I blame myself for everything, but I put myself and my baby down to him so many times. I disrespected myself just so he can feel powerful and better, but it didn't work. I don't want to put my baby down to anyone anymore. It's not just me anymore- I don't want my baby to turn out to be like him. Please help me.



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9 Responses »

  1. Asalamo alaykum 🙁 Your story is so sad subhanAllah.. what a miserable life. I will make lots of dua for you inshallah. May Allah SWT make it easy for you and help you to break free from this oppression. No one can force you to do anything sweety... I am Pakistani and I cannot grasp the reality of stories like yours. You're husband is horrible to you and so is his family. You have done NOTHING wrong! Please do not feel like this is your fault because its not. Despite the way he treated you, you still tried to mend your marriage whereas most women would leave. In your circumstances you should seek divorce and completely cut off from your in laws inshallah. Please please please please DO NOT go back to Pakistan!! I'm afraid something bad will happen to you or your baby.. Please don't go back to live with your in laws. Right now your priority is your baby and your health and being around your in laws will put both at risk, you've already suffered enough. You need to stay with your family and surround yourself with people who care about you inshallah you need to heal from this emotional trauma. I will remeber you in my duas, all the best sister inshallah

  2. Salaams,

    I wasn't totally clear on your story, but it almost sounds like you were married to two men- both by coercion from your family. It sounds like the first husband was only there to get "papers". Honestly, just reading what you wrote it's clear you've been through a lot and now your trying to clean up the messes made.

    I can't say what does or does not apply to your situation, but I will state the facts as I know them and you can decide what to take and what to leave. Let's try to focus on your specific questions.

    1. Forced marriage is not valid. If a woman is married to a man by a third party and her consent was not given, it was never a marriage at all. However if a woman agrees to the marriage (no matter what the motivation for that may have been), it would then be valid in my understanding. If you are not sure if your consent was a true consent or if you were forced, it may be better to relate your story to an imam or scholar and see what he thinks.

    2. A second marriage is not valid if the first one was not totally dissolved in divorce. I think that's what made some parts of your story unclear- you talked about marrying two different times (based on your ages at those times), but never mentioned a divorce inbetween. If you fully divorced your first husband before you remarried, then indeed the second marriage would be valid (however what I said in #1 still applies).

    3. The most important thing right now is moving forward with your life. You have a baby, but you're still young and you still have a lot of future ahead of you that you can make the most of. The outcomes you've suffered have been because you had no choice but to put you life in the hands of your parents and family, because you were too young to know better or do any differently. But now you're an adult, and you are your own person. Not only that, but you live in the US, where there are plenty of resources for women like you to advance and become independent.

    I suggest you get in touch with any local masjids/mosques/islamic centers and tell them what you need. Perhaps they can put you in touch with other muslim sisters who can help you out. You need support outside your family, so it would really help if you could find another family or sister to live with. Moving out of your family's home, even if it means staying at a women's shelter (not battered women, but they do have ladies only shelters for women with children like yourself who are trying to get their lives together), would enable you to unwind the grip they've had on you and allow you to start working on your own goals. Those can include looking for a job so you can become financially independent, enrolling in a school or degree program so you can have more opportunities, and securing a proper divorce through the American legal system (you would need to obtain legal advice to see what is required to do so). There is also state funding to help you with food, childcare, and health insurance if you need it.

    There are a lot of doors open to you if you can be brave enough to start a new path in life. You may have blamed yourself for what's already happened, but that was truly misplaced. The only way you would be to blame is if you pass up the resources you have and the freedom that's waiting for you. Don't let familiarity and cultural traditions chain you into a lifetime of misery.

    -Amy Editor

  3. Amy, Assalam o Allaikum, i think i can help clarify the marriage part, as i share cultures with Pearlofislam. the thing is, in Pakistani culture, usually instead of having an engagement, people jump to niqah, and a few month/years later they get officially married (and i absolutely disagree with it, because niqah is marriage!) so i guess you could say that they get married, but the don't live together-- and then the 'official marriage' is like a super late walimah (i know that's not appropriate either, but what can i say...) so that's why. She's married to one guy, she got married to him at age 15 and then she moved to his house later on.

  4. OMG! So many lives destroyed because of this damm pressured unity (arranged marraiges) of two people from different parts of the world. May Allah guide us all, especially our parents. They want what's best for us, but instead of following Islam, they follow culture! Screw culture and traditions! Screw loveless mismatched marriages! The ones who are suffering the most are the children of these dysfunctional marriages. They grow up in tense environments, then when they are older they struggle with anxiety and depression. It's so sad for everyone. May Allah the bestounder bless everyone with peace, happiness, serenity, balance and a love companion.

    • Sure, I totally agree with you that there are so many lives have been destroyed because of forced marriage. But when you think about it, nothing is "forced" if the participants are not allowed this happen. I think young muslim women need to be educated and know their right. Say "no" if you don't want to. If you really want to "please" someone or "fear" of someone by giving up your right, then nothing more people can help. Seek help in the masjid, talk to people who can offer help or go to local authorities. I'm sorry for what had happened, may Allah have mercy on you.

      • The parents need to be educated. They pressure their kids to marry someone of their choice. The kids are being brain washed from childhood. And the kids do respect and love their parents so they do as they are told. But now that I'm older and read about islam and marraige, I'm learning that marraige should not be done in blind faith. Parents need to look at several things for good matches. Thank god for sights like these. Whoever tries to do something idiotic and arrange marraige your child off to someone from a different part of the world, should go through these posts. And see how many girls are now suffering with mental illnesses because of their parents stupid traditions. Whatever! Everything is in Allah swt's hands. May Allah put love, harmony, respect and mutual attraction to all couples. AMEEN!!! Rabil alemeen!

  5. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    Marriage is hard work, but what you have described sounds harder than that even. It is very clear that what you want is emotional support, love, kind words and feel like you are a part of a family--not some outsider who has no value and no voice.

    I would strongly suggest that you speak to a local Imam in the US and tell them what happened. It doesn't sound like you will get the things you crave so much for in this marriage nor will you get the financial support that you and your child deserve. If your husband doesn't see value in calling you, keeping you happy, respecting your feelings and your health, you need to develop that voice inside you now, not only for yourself, but your child.

    You are not selfish and you are not to be blamed. The double standards of the culture will simply continue, but you can stop it in your life by standing your ground. You are not a bad person, all this thinking is the result of the culture that surrounds you. Very briefly, my relative got married, like you, back home right after her studies. She lived in Pakistan for a number of years and had University level education from North America. While living there, she did all the house work, slept very little, was not allowed to go out for anything or even decide what clothes she wanted to wear. She wasn't allowed to work and earn money, but wanted to because her in-laws would constantly tell her how much money they were "wasting" on her. Here is the ironic part, finally, after 6 years, they allowed her to go back home and sponsor their son along with her children. Now, for over 15 years, she is earning a 6-figure salary and sends her earnings back to her in-laws. NOW it is alright for her to go out, earn money, have friends and so on, because her in-laws benefit financially.

    If I were you, I would not suggest that you go back at all when they can't even take care of your health. It was the same with my relative - and when I read your story, I wish I was surprised. It is probably better for you to do what you can to move on with your life especially for the sake of your son. May Allah make it easy and clear for you and ease your burden and difficulties, Ameen, thummah Ameen.

  6. Read very very carefully,
    First of all, STOP! STOP! STOP! Feeling guilty about your own self. You have already obeyed Allaah (Subhanahu_wa_ta'ala) masha'Allaah! Yes you did. The part you mentioned above. Going to your husband every single day in bed and joining his company. That was a great deed. You are scared because you are actually not comprehending the entire situation. Alhumdulillah! Allaah (Subhanahu_wa_ta'ala) Has Given me power to comprehend and understand situations like yours. What you did was great at your part. You were never wrong. Instead, they tried to manipulate you from the beginning knowingly or unknowingly.

    They were using you for the child. And they think that you then know their plan. Their plan was to have your baby and later they will force you to leave your husband. And they will give you nothing in return. So, no matter what happens never go back to your husband. Never ever. Otherwise, you will fall in their trap. Think, from the beginning they were mistreating you. Using you like a slave. Of course you don't have done the house work as you mentioned above but there was times they were double faced and cunning. Now, you are not to be blamed in any way. Ask for divorce if you have not done yet. Now they will not listen and instead what they will do they will file a complain against you that you are disturbing or harassing them that is why they are silent.

    Now, do as follows,
    1. Don't go back.
    2. Educate yourself and your son more.
    3. Do things safely and wisely.
    4. Stop fooling yourself.
    5. You do not did any sin.
    6. Stop being absurd and feeling guilty.
    7. They used you and manipulated you so that you think about yourself miserable. Never forget that.

    Need anymore advice reply to this post.

    Best regards,
    Allaah Knows the Best!

  7. Way cool, some valid points! I appreciate you making this article available, the rest of the site is also high quality. Have a fun.

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