Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My dad wants me to marry one of his nephews from Pakistan

Forced Marriage and Islam

Forced Marriage and Islam

Salaam, I'm a 17 year old girl. What I wanted to discuss with you today is that my father is putting so much pressure on me to get married he's constantly saying that he needs to think about me now,which in his language means marrying me off, this isn't what I'm scared about but what scares me is that he wants me to get married to one of his many nephews in Pakistan,when I was 12/13 he even told me who it exactly was that he wanted me to get married too, I was so young and that scarred me. Recently he also said that I have to get married from there and if I don't then he's finished. I hate the way he always tries to emotionally blackmail me I love him so much and he knows that but he still puts me through this,how could he want to do this to me just for the sake of bringing his nephew to England and in his words extending the family but that's making the family smaller. I'm so worried about this because my mom and my dad are cousins and they are on the verge of getting a divorce which is my dad fault as he committed zina but that's forgotten now and even my grandparents have gone through that too, that's why I'm scared that my life may end up like that too. It's so hard to talk to my dad too because he doesn't listen and his closed minded like he would judge people because of their caste ect,so it's not the fact that there's faults in people just because their not from his family their labelled as 'bad'!

as a young girl Ive always dreamed of getting married to the right man who would complete my deen,it's not even like I want something bad in my husband,I want someone who is religious so he could hold my hand to Jannah,to love me and respect my parents ect.

i also don't associate myself with members of the opposite gender ect,as I don't want my dadto hold anything against me and emotionally blackmail me into doing what he wants. But I really don't want to upset him and hurt him I just want him to do things for my happiness.

sorry this is long and I really appreciate the time you've taken out to read this.


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9 Responses »

  1. Walikumsalaam,

    If ur not happy then dont marry him.. ur dad does not have the right to force u in to marrieg. As u live in engalnd there are many people whom u can ask for help.. some which i know are socile workers, ur gp and the police. If u dont try to stop this force marriege u will end up in a very unhappy marriege.

    Or anther thing u can is may be talk to that guy and see if u can divalop feelings for him.. see if he has the qualites which ur looking for in ur future husband. If it didnt work then do not marry just for sake of ur dad. U will end up spoiling ur life and that guy

    • Yeah that's the thing I don't want to go ahead with it cos I'm enduring the consequences of force marriage with my own parents and it's the worst it breaks up the whole family and causes several problems and complications, where were all suffering due the mistake of my grandparents and I really don't want to live a life like this.
      Thank you for your advice tho, I really appreciate it.
      May Allah reward you with countless blessings Ameen.

  2. This is really sad to hear. It is very wrong to marry someone so they can come to England only. That is illegal and against the law. You really need to choose a partner that you love and will make you happy. If you choose your fathers partner you will be miserable. It is not a three way marriage with your father. If your father is to close minded then you need to follow your heart.

    • Your right but I'm just unsure on how to change him. I always pray that he's mentality changes and that he doesn't sacrifice my happiness just for the sake of his family in Pakistan.
      Thank you for your support and advice tho, I really appreciate i.
      May Allah shower you with countless blessings Ameen.

  3. Don't let your father do this to you. I speak from experience, I have been married twice and my first husband was from Pakistan, uneducated and lived in a village. We had nothing in common he was my first cousin and I caved in to my parents because they kept saying he was good for me, but it turned out he was greedy for money. We divorced with no kids.
    My current husband also from Pakistan from a village, we're distantly related and he's educated, but he has committed zina so many times before marriage and was cheating on me when I brought him over to UK. He has told me all boys from Pakistan do this without a moral thought and ignoring the consequences. They don't even know what stds are. Alhumdulillah he is not a greedy person but his family is and they forced him to marry me so that he entered UK and sends home money, I was very cautious before agreeing to the marriage, but unfortunately gave in again to please my parents and even though I can't forget that he cheated and lied about his past I am trying to make it work for Allah's pleasure and for my babies that I had with my current husband.

    Do you have your mother's support? Talk to her and tell her how you feel, if she is siding with your father then you must tell him the truth and speak up about your feelings. You're so young yet, have you decided what you want to do in life? You could buy yourself some time and go into further education or start to work your way into a career, your father may be pleased that you're trying to make something of yourself and show that you're responsible. If you spend long enough the said nephew might get tired of waiting and will have married someone else by then. You said your father is very loving and caring if he truly cared for your happiness he won't force you into marrying someone you don't want to. I will not advise that you contact the police, or social care workers because having authorities involved would break your father's heart. That should only be a last resort if say, your father hid your passport and told you you're going to Pakistan to get married.

    In the end you can only pray to Allah for guidance and that He changes your father's mind or at least gives a sign to your father that this marriage isn't right. However perhaps Allah has a plan and you might find out that this nephew is good and can make you happy if you gave him the chance. It's true it's a gamble but we learn from our mistakes, Allah gave us life to test us and see how we deal with this and to see how many times we turn to Him. You can cry to Allah about anything He will listen, and He always has something better planned.

    I hope and pray for your happiness either way.

    • Thank you sooo much and your right I don't want to bring the police or social services involved because that would hurt him but the thing is that he is loving and caring but I doubt his love and feel like he's only acting this way so he can emotionally blackmail me into getting married to his nephew. And yes I do want to become a social worker insh'Allah in the future and don't at all want to think about marriage before becoming independent in the professon that I want to go into but even then my dad says that no education messes you up ect but regardless I am going to carry it but what I fear is that he's nephews are quite older like I'm only 17 but their age range is around 19-26 or something so they would b getting married within the next years and I'm scared that my dad might pressure or that he's family might start pressure him to take me there to get married ect, but alhamdulilah I do have my mum and my brother support but he'll just cause problems for them and may start getting physical with my brother and my mum doesn't like my dad at all so this will cause more problems between them and they already argue about me enough. I know this is bad but I wana move away from all of my family when I get married and their narrow mentality I just can't take it anymore, they have always stressed me and my brother out soo much from such a young age. And I don't want to get married in the family I just can't I won't b able to love him, talk to him or anything, but yes I will continue to pray to Allah swt because I do have complete faith in him and I know that he won't do anything which is unjust to me alhamdulilah.
      But thank you so much for your advice and support, I really appreciate it. May Allah swt reward you ameen

  4. W.Salam,
    You should have to focus into marriage where your heart want to do. The suggestion of your father may be good but it will be not the satisfaction of your soul. My suggestion is that you have to decide your heart's decision.

    • I agree and I really want to b independent first and want to become a social worker before even thinking about marriage. Tbh I don't think it's good he's just doing it to what stay in his family or please his brothers and sisters by sacrificing my happiness.
      Thank you for ur advice tho I really appreciate it.
      May Allah grant you reward Ameen.

  5. Do not marry a man if you don't feel it's right. The marriage into families to bring men abroad is disgraceful and it's very common amongst a very arrogant society.

    It is haraam and a huge sin to force someone to marry against their wishes. What kind of a father would allow cultural and family pressure to put his own daughter in such a position? Obviously not one who values his daughter as the most important person in the world, something which she should be.

    In terms what you should do:

    - Carry on life as normal and when he brings up the subject again, make it categorically clear that you don't want to marry your cousin. Be prepared for the consequences of this, because I have no doubt he will go into rage mode. However you should have some measures ready if he gets violent, don't take any chances and make sure your brother and your mum are around to help if he does. Some of these man who force their children into marriage are absolute vile so you don't know what their reaction will be. Also make a close friend aware so if you don't go to college/uni for even a day without contact, they can make the police aware. Believe me, it does usually have to end up down this road, that is how disgusting this tradition is.

    - Marry based on a guy's character when the time is right, some girls at 17 may be ready physically, but mentally they are not, same for guys. So when the time is right and when proposals come your way judge the guy on his character and marry if you are happy to do so.

    - Don't cave under any circumstances. My extended family wanted me to marry a cousin many years ago. I know being a guy it's far easier for me to handle this situation but nevertheless still not a comfortable position to be in. I refused and refused and eventually raise my voice at the elders and said basically to get stuffed and never bother me again. Since then, I don't speak to 3 aunts, their husbands, their children (my cousins) and I have married a girl that was of a similar age to me, of similar attractiveness and intelligence. I am living my life happily with my wife and daughter and these miserable people don't bother me anymore. The point I'm making is, there are tough choices in life, but the easiest choice we should be able to make is for our own happiness.

    Put yourself before your dad because you are going to be spending the next 50/60/70 years with him, not your dad.

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