Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father abuses my mother

As-salamu alaykum all,

My question is this: what are my rights concerning my father abusing my mother?

I am young man of 24 living in the same home as my mum and dad. I feel so bad at the way my dad treats my mum by cursing and hitting her and when she cries I just want to stand up and hit him back.

But I dont as he is my father as well so I rather keep quiet and comfort my mother.

I need advice on what to do as this cannot go on anymore.

- Toseef


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12 Responses »

  1. Hit him with a power that he never even realised was sitting in the room. Your mother would lay down her life for you - she would rather hurt than you hurt, she would rather be sick then you be sick, she would rather have pain than you have pain. She suckled you from her breast and carried you in her womb, when you had no ability to walk she carried you and when you had no ability to feed yourself she fed you. When you were sick - she stayed up all night to make sure you were breathing.

    Now some man is smacking her around. If you cant count on your children to come through for you in these hard times, who have to got to come to your aid?

    Stand up for her for the love of God and show this man that your mother is never going to feel pain in your prescence ever again. You feel instantly much better and tell your father to back off and that the next time he hurts her, the equivalent pain will rain down on him from your hands.

    I am female. I did this to my stepfather - walaahi, he has not touched my mother since and I was 17 year old girl at that time when I promised him if I heard my mother say ouch I would kill him.

    That's your mum dude. Thats your mum.

  2. Brother,
    you need to talk to your father, and tell him that is very serious and it is a crime. With your mothers permission before hand, if he does hurt her, do threaten to call the police, because he can and will get charged for assaulting your mother.

    Just make sure that your mother is okay with that, because he might escalate to become more violent. Allah knows best, but be safe and protect your mother, Dont let him hurt her, because if you stand up for her, he might just stop and realize that its not okay.

    Take care and all the best in this situation.

  3. Asalaam alaikum my dear brother, my name is Yousaf and I went through the same thing, but I was the age of 16. My mother May Allah give her a long, healthy and prosperous life, was abused by her first husband for 5 years and I was a baby and I couldn't do anything. 10 years down the line my step dad did the same.

    What I did at the age of 16 was to keep my mum close to me, my eyes would be on her completely, sometimes I would not go to school because I was scared for her and I'd stay at home.

    Once my step dad slapped my mum across the face in her sleep, and wallahi I do not know what happened to me, I started punching him, I had no control over it.

    My dear brother do not hesitate to call local authorities to report your father, if you save your mother from your father, You will essentially be saving and attaining the heaven which lies under her feet. A woman should not suffer abuse in this country. Call the police, don't let the woman who gave you birth suffer at the hands of your father.

  4. Aslam o Alaikum. My name is Hamza and I am 14. My grand mother just came in my house yesterday cz my father's brother, made her out of his home. And my phopho is not keeping her as well.Now my grand mother speaks ill of my mother to my father in front of me. I just wanna kill her.But today, my father abused my mother, languagely and rest of the life my father didn't even said oye to my mom.My mom can't do anything except absorbing the pressure. I just wanna make my grand mother out of the house.. But can't. I have 3 little brothers.
    I don't wanna talk to my father, because i had talked him before.Please help me if you can.I think it will go serious this time.
    JazakAllah

    • Assalaamualaikam

      I'm sorry to hear you and your family are having such difficulties. May Allah help you all and bring you closer together.

      It can be difficult not to react when people are unkind about people we love. But, remember that your grandmother is going through a difficult time herself - she may well feel that nobody loves or wants her, if she's already had to leave a place she considered home - and when people are angry, they often lash out. I'm not trying to excuse her actions, as it's not acceptable for any Muslim to be unkind about another, but inshaAllah if we can understand where someone is coming from it can help us cope with their behaviour.

      I'd suggest talking with your mother and asking her how she's feeling. You could also ask if there's anything you can do to help out - she's probably under a lot of pressure at the moment, and knowing that someone cares about her will mean a lot to her. Maybe you could help out with the cooking, or babysit your brothers, or take on some more household responsibilities if this would be feasible?

      Your father may also be struggling, as he's having to cope with his mother saying upsetting things about his wife, as well as adjusting to his mother staying. As you say he's never been mean to your mother before, it may well be that his behaviour has been due to stress from the situation, and that once things calm down he will realise he should not have behaved in that way.

      If you are concerned that the situation will get worse or if things don't get better, you might want to talk about it with a teacher or a trusted adult, as they might be able to help resolve things. It's especially important to do this if there is any violence in the home - nobody should have to live in a violent situation.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  5. Aslam ma lamkom my name is sami age 17 my dad dragged hit my mum because of something so stupid. Now its my time to stand up, I am getting my brothers and friends to beat my dad up, also I will too not too hard but hard like fire

  6. As salamu walaikum
    I'm a girl of 16 years...I have three sisters.. My mom is really an ideal woman also a wife ..but my so called dad Mr ebrahim beats her and abuse her tormenting.. I feel like killing him but I can't do anything because of being girl ..whenever I say against him he starts to beat my mom seriously.. That's why I keep quiet.. I love her a lot and I don't wanna lose her...what can I do..I feel like taking her away from him ..but how ?? Should I call the police???? Please give me some suggestions... I pray that he dies soon or I die before that... I'm not able to handle it anymore

    Ikra

    • Assalam alaikum,

      Dear Sister,

      I am also going through same situation. My father is abusing my mom everytime. He always borrows money from people without our knowledge and spends it himself. He never repay that money. once these people come to our home asking for the money is when we get to knw about it. When my mom asks about this to father, he becomes violent and start abusing my mother physically and verbally. We are 3 children, myself and my sister got married. Now our younger brother is staying with parents. He is 17 years old. Everytime we had to repay those loans. All of our properties were sold to repay his debts. We are fedup and unable to handle it anymore. As you said, I am also praying for my father's death as we couldn't handle it anymore.
      He is screwing our life day by day and he has no regrets at all. What can we do?

      Ash

    • You are not alone my father also beats my mom ever since when I was a child and even today he does that and yesterday I defended her with all I had he started to hitting me with whatever he had in his hand just for taking her side I got injured very badly got a deep cut in my hand and it bleeded like anything, seriously such father's don't deserve to live I just wish I die

  7. Assalam o Alikum We faced same thing from very beginning of my life seeing my mom get beaten was routine for me. Today my father was cursing her I took my baseball bat and hit it on the table he was stunned, he was not expecting it later my mom snatched the bat from my hand and suddenly I saw father tried to hit me I dodged and punched him right on his jaw later everything cooled too quick he started to curse me and pray against me. I saw fear in his eyes which I' ve never seen before but right now I have regrets first it why I didn't that earlier and second is which is more horrific will my son do same with me at any stage of my life even I don't deserve it?

    • Boy from Karachi, you wre wrong to hit your father. And you were wrong to grab the baseball bat, especially since he was not hitting your mom, but cursing her. You said you dodged his blow, so he did not actually hit you. You could have walked away.

      Anyway, I know you are in a very difficult position. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place, as they say. Seeing your mother getting abused is terrible. And walking away would leave you feeling guilty that you did not help her.

      I can point out that your mother made the choice to remain in this relationship. She could have divorced your father, and she still can. It might be the best thing.

      Anyway, you will definitely need to see a therapist for your anger issues, so that you do not end up perpetuating this cycle of violence with your own children. That should be your goal, to become a kind and non-violent man, so that the cycle will end and your children will be safe and happy.

      I know it can be done. I grew up in a household were shouting and cursing were common. And I had a temper too. But I worked on myself, and now I am a gentle and loving father. My daughter and I are close, and she never has a moment of fear from me.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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