Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father and brother sexually abused me

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Asalaamulakum,

I am 24 years old female and have started having a bad flash back for a few years now of my father abusing me. I remember being in the shower with him and him telling me not to tell anyone. I do not remember anything else, maybe because I have chosen to block this out or maybe nothing else happened. I am not sure. I also have flashbacks of my brother touching me in my private parts and asking me to touch his. I was aged between 6-9 on both occasions.

I have grown up always being a big part of my brother and dads life. I have also been very close to my brother and gone miles to support him in life. I have never been bad with him or even blamed him for touching me. If anyting till now I do not resent him.

My dad has always been very aggressive and an absent father. He also has been to prison for rape and is not a practising muslim. My mother is the opposite and has soley brought us children up and raised us emotionally. Anyways past year I have started on my deen and have gotten very close to Allah and wearing hijab now.

I can't help but feel distant with my father. He makes fun of my hijab and covered clothing. He is cultured but not religious. He prefer me to wear salwar kameese big heels tarted up but I have always wanted to be in baggy clothes n simple clothing. He does not understand islam and if anything gets angry if we pray dua etc. He makes me feel really sad inside and I find it hard.

I know everything is a test from Allah and this makes it easier for me to understand my circumstances. I have seen a lot from a young age mostly bad things and Alhumdulilah I am still here and coping mainly my mom to thank for and with the will of Allah. My mom and father do not speak at al and she always asks me to lecture him guide him tell him off but lately I have given up. I hardly speak to him or answer his calls.

Growing up none of us children had a relationship with him we all would just hide from him as he was very aggressive distant and mean. He hardly speaks to any of us or knows anything about us. Always causes trouble. He has beat my mom for years abused her cheated lied prison etc. My mom is an amazing beautiful women and has stayed so us children could have a future. May Allah reward her iA.

When I reached my teens I was the only one who really spoke to him and we had a bond. Now I remember the shower incident I can't help but feel distant towards him. I have a niece in the house and when she was young my heart would pound and I would be scared if she was alone upstairs with him. I have never told a soul about this and have such bad regrets.

Am I receiving sin for being distance back towards my dad? Is it haraam for me to not want to cook clean or speak with him daily? I do not argue with him just keep my distance.

I ask Allah nearly everyday to forgive him for his many sins and always try find reasoning why he has been perverted. I just need some closure as this is killing me inside. I need to know in Islam what does it say? Am I receiving sin for my behaviour? I just can't help but feel sick in his presence as bad as it sounds.

If it is not haraam I will feel better that I can just live my life and block him out. But if it is haraam I need to know and any advice of how I should deal with it. Mentally this has caused me so much distress and I have let it effect my outlook on life and my mental health as deteriorated.

My father has been an absent and nasty man towards us but I have always stuck up for him at home because financially he has supported us. But now I just can't help it. Getting closer to Allah has helped me mentally and socially cope and I am finally willing to get married now. After seeing my dad and brother I have been so off put men but I now know whatever Allah has planned for me iA will go well and maybe my husband will erase the bad memories. Or cause me more but I will be rewareded in after life iA.

May Allah help me and guide my father before it's too late iA. Jzk for taking your time to answer me

lostbutfoundAllah


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8 Responses »

  1. Salaam, sister u seem so nice mashallah may Allah bless u, I do not know why sum people are sick minded! Your story broke my heart, personally I feel you distancing yourself from your father is justified. May be you could talk 2 him, but when u start feeling uncomfortable u can stop, like try bringing him 2 islam, and if he reacts badly u can stop. I have no idea whether it is wrong of you to stop talking 2 your father, but I know he is defiantly going 2 get ghunnah 4 his deeds, Allah delivers justice. Your so strong sister mashallah, in-sha-Allah you will get a loving husband that will provide you with all the happiness ever, sorry if this did not help! May Allah bless you my sister and keep you strong! Xxx

  2. You started having problems only after you remembered the shower incidence. Where was your mom when this happened?

    Even if it some thing happened. It was not your fault any way.

    Did you take showers with your mom when you were 6-9 yrs old?

    If nothing happened between after you were 9 yr old, don't try to remember and make sexual memories that will effect your mental health.

    How old were you when your father was involved in a rape?

    You did grew up in a bad environment. It could have influenced you psychologically. Getting married and moving away will give you a chance to live a good life.

    Talking about your sexual abuse is not going to do any good to any one.

  3. Dearest sister you have grown up in a dysfunctional abusive environment. Your post is so concerning. You are lucky to have a loving mother.
    I am going to give you some advice that not everyone here will agree with.
    You are a 24 year old woman. You need to be on your own. The current environment you are in is unhealthy. Your father is not normal. You want certain things for yourself, such as the freedom to be who you are as a Muslim woman, and to feel loved and protected. Sister, none of this will be achieved in your current environment. Do you have am education! A job? Can you afford counselling? You need to speak with a trusted mental health professional. You need to put these things in order so that some day you can get married and have a family.

    Please think about this.

  4. Asslamulaikum sister

    I am sooo sorry to hear this which has happened to you, This shouldn't have happened t you when you were young. I feel really sad about this which has happened to you. we are muslim sisters, you should have talked to any muslim sister when you were in great need of help and support,

    You are soooooooooooo brave and strong muslim women i ever heard. You should also have no worries, stress coz Allah is everywhere.

    I am soooo sorry to say that but I feel realy disgusting about your father and brother. did they not find any shame and fear of Allah before doing it.

    What i do not get is that how did he get out from prison when they knew he was rape. they should hve thought of you and your mother too to protect you both from him and your brother.

    You could try bring him to Islam and you should tell him off because you have right for to defend yourself and for your mother.

    Allah will forgive him if he does it wth his pure heart. Inshallah I am sure he will realize. but if he doesn't , then you should leave him and take your mum with you. You have right to live happy life and freedom also. Islam does allow you to have freedom if thats the case. You should go away far distance away from them.

    if he is still abusing you, should inform so someone who deals with abuses or contact police, if he was in uk, he would have kept away from you and not just from from all women and girls. if you have any problem you can talk to me anytime and i am here for you. May allah guide you, protect you and bless you and your mother. I will make dua for inshallah. please take care of your self and stand up for your self and for your mother.

    Take care sister,

    Allahafiz

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister, I am extremely sorry for the excruciating pain that you have endured.

    It is not that uncommon to have memory gaps during the traumatic experience of the sexual abuse you suffered. There is a lot that I want to write here, but the most important piece of advice that I could give to you is you desperately need counselling to deal with the emotions, the memories and the dysfunctionality of your family.

    A lot of your post sheds light on your desire to have a normal life with your family and sister, as much as I want to tell you that that is possible, the reality is there is no normal life like other people that you can experience.

    You need to build yourself up starting with repairing the damage you have inside of you. None of this was your fault--you are 100% blameless. The fact that you are asking if you are sinning for how you feel only further emphasizes the fact that you need professional help. Please do not take this lightly at all.

    You are not responsible for making your father into a good, honest, responsible man. Furthermore, when he abused you, he stopped being your protector and as far as I see this, it is next to impossible to see him in the same light as a father who has NOT abused his daughter. That idea has permanently gone.

    It can be very painful to imagine having the family you want when it just doesn't exist. I agree with Sr. Precious Star that you need to build a life for yourself--never feel any guilt for moving on and building a life for yourself.

    It has been suggested that you get married--I do not support this until you first get counselling and do a lot of healing, inn shaa Allah.

    May Allah heal your pain and ease your difficulties, Ameen, thummah Ameen.

  6. OP: I am 24 years old female and have started having a bad flash back for a few years now of my father abusing me. I remember being in the shower with him and him telling me not to tell anyone. I do not remember anything else, maybe because I have chosen to block this out or maybe nothing else happened. I am not sure. I also have flashbacks of my brother touching me in my private parts and asking me to touch his. I was aged between 6-9 on both occasions.....I have grown up always being a big part of my brother and dads life. I have also been very close to my brother and gone miles to support him in life. I have never been bad with him or even blamed him for touching me. If anyting till now I do not resent him.

    Every sexual abuse case is different. Over 90% of kids get sexually abused in some way. OP is not even sure what happened and no therapy can prove what happened. Suggestions like ...........The reality is there is no normal life like other people that you can experience......It can be very painful to imagine having the family you want when it just doesn't exist. ..... first get counselling and do a lot of healing in my opinion may be even harmful.oth occasions.....

    OP says"I have grown up always being a big part of my brother and dads life. I have also been very close to my brother and gone miles to support him in life. I have never been bad with him or even blamed him for touching me. If anything till now I do not resent him."

    Can flashbacks be wrong?

    There are therapists who can actually make sexual abuse cases worse. For example if a therapists tells some one "The reality is there is no normal life like other people that you can experience". Just imagine what kind of effect this can have on a victim of abuse.

  7. your father is sick and will not recover from these kinds of feelings.these feelings of being a rapist will be with him till his last breath.being a man if i have a feeling of interest in something i cannot give it up.its the reality..may Allah bless you and your mom..find a good partner for yourself and keep away from brother and father because they are not your protectors but are animals..sorry for some abusive words for your father.

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