Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father commits adultery and hates my mother

Lies, telling lies, lyingAssalam o aleikum

I am 22 years old and I have 2 other sisters. I have always been extremely close to my father, maybe because he has always been the more expressive parent. Growing up my parents used to have a lot of fights, sometimes very bad ones too. Once or twice in a fight my father has hit my mom too. We were too young then and my father manipulated us with his love into thinking that my mom was a bad person who deserved these things till the point that we actually hated her and fought with her. Idk how we lived through all of that. It has taken a toll on me.

My father is the perfect person on the outside, people love and respect him, but i’ve realised over the years growing up that he is not like that in actuality. He is selfish and he only cares about himself. He hates my mother for some reason even though all she ever does is put up with him throughout everything he has done to her and still take care of him very much. She still tells me to not misbehave with my father and that we should be happy he at least loves his children.

My father has had many affairs. Many years ago he even married a girl much younger to him and shifted my mom somewhere else. But later they got divorced. He tells people what a bad person or uncaring my mother is, especially to women like his female colleagues to gain sympathy. I have several times read his texts with other women where he is telling them he loves them or asks them to marry him.

I often question my mother as to why she has endured all this all these years and she said it was because she could go nowhere else she was powerless, uneducated with three daughters so she put up with him for us. She loved him for many many years and now even her love has faded.

All of this has been very hard on me, especially because I have been so close to my father that i am heartbroken that he manipulated us, made us hate our mother for years, cheated on and hurt my mom on several occasions. He has broken my trust and I am extremely tormented right now.

I learnt to push this in the back of my mind and we would live happily sometimes, but as soon as something very little triggers a fight between my parents things get very very bad. Recently in a fight I was sobbing and telling my dad not to fight anymore and we can’t take this we will die and he told me to go die and I actually took pills. I took them with the intention of scaring him and fixing things not to actually kill myself but under the pressure idk i might have taken them for good. My dad loves his kids but hates my mom. So he fixed things when he thought something would happen to me.

A week ago I had been waiting for my dad to pick me up and he got very delayed without any reason. I didn’t think much of it but the next day i found a medicine for sex in the car that belonged to my dad. I initially tried to hide it from my mom but she saw it in my hand. I thought it would be a revelation to her but she just got quiet and said yes your father commits adultery. He has been since we got married so it is not a new thing. We were both heartbroken and it finally hit me that he was an adulterer on top of everything.

My sister and i broke down and I couldn’t believe the person I had loved so much was actually like this. I couldn’t control it anymore and confronted him. I even fought with my mom as to why she never did anything but she said i had to stay for my kids because i was powerless and i had nothing.

My father got very angry at me and my sister and denied everything. He is the kind of person who would deny and lie to your face even if you showed him evidence because acceptance would mean that his facade would fade and he would have to accept guilt. So he always always lies and denies.

Now it’s been more than a week and we aren’t speaking to each other. He is only speaking to my mom who is again not doing anything. And i am the one fighting her battles and because of the love i had i felt betrayed too. But i am being told it’s not worth it and I should’ve kept quiet because if i confront him my privileges will be taken from me like money and car etc. But I couldn’t bear it and now i am the bad person lonely and alone. Idk what to do now.

- amna

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3 Responses »

  1. Look at your mom, how sensible she is. She knows better than you so trust her and pass the time till you got to stand on your feet. Follow your mom’s instructions. She is a great woman.

    • asalamu aleykum,

      Her mom doesn't seem sensible at all.
      She just accepts her husband's behavior like it's normal.
      This behavior of your dad is not normal at all, it strongly suggests a sociopathic personality.
      From the Islamic perspective your dad's a total looser, wife beater, trouble maker, liar and worst of all - adulterer. provided of course what you say is correct.
      But I see no reason not to believe you because something like that is quite common unfortunately.

      Don't be nice to your dad just because you want money from him, or a useless car that poisons the environment.
      He behaves like the typical narcissistic sociopath now.
      Your family is most likely destroyed, but it already lay in ruins from the beginning, you just didn't realize it.

      Maybe he and your mom or the family might go to a family therapy or marriage therapy, this could possibly improve family harmony, provided your dad has at least some degree of conscience in him.

      Possibly he won't change at all.
      You should realize that this is Not your fault!

      It's your father's fault and partially your mother's for just accepting those horrible sins.

      It's also important that you don't tell outsiders; just don't go out spreading the reality of your family situation... this would cause gossip and thus would probably backfire on you.

      I really hope that you pray 5 times a day; if you don't know how to pray it would be best to go to the closest mosque or ask an imam or muslim who seems trustworthy, and she can teach you to pray or give you instructions on paper or the internet.
      How to pray correctly can be confusing for beginners. After seven months of being muslim I still am not sure how to do it correctly and I slowly improve, the instructions of the imam are very helpful. I couldn't go to a mosque for months directly after conversion so at first I mixed up my own prayer according to internet... .
      If it is similar with you, then don't worry because you will get better by time.
      Indeed prayer is one of the most important things and when you do it 5 times a day within the correct time it will give structure to your life, you will feel better very soon.
      Also encourage other family members to pray regularly, and if they already do, they might just make dua and pray for improvement of family relations.

      You are not alone with your situation, I have experienced something similar and so have millions of people.
      Maybe it would be good for you to marry a merciful man who is a pious muslim and live in another apartment with him.
      I know it might be hard to trust people but, know this:

      People Will eventually disappoint you. This is bound to happen. Because no one has identical preferances and people's behavior can not be accurately predicted.
      This is a normal part of life. And people's perceived flaws should be overlooked unless they are severe sins.

      Final advice:
      Always expect the worst and at the same time hope for the best.
      Then If something turns out to be bad and stressful you can thank Allah for giving you a test that will abolish some of your sins.
      If it turns out to be good and pleasant you can praise Allah for his mercy.


  2. Asma, your father is a bad man. He is manipulative, dishonest, narcissistic and immoral. But there is nothing you can do about that. If your mother wants to leave him or divorce him, that is up to her. She knows what kind of man he is. It's not your place to fight her battles or to be the one to stand up to your father. That's up to your mother, whether she wants to do it or not.

    Continue with your life and focus on your own studies, work, etc. Maybe if you have a good job in the future you can afford to get your own apartment, and if your mother wishes to leave your father at that time she can live with you.

    Wael Editor

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