Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father has been inappropriate with me?

Salam,

I will keep this anonymous for obvious reasons. I will try my best to keep it short.

I come from a Muslim family not the best not full time religious either - but we try our best. I grew up in a big family other siblings and parents. At a young age I realised my father has been inappropriate with myself. (Touching, kissing, holding) I ran away from home at the age of 16 but was unable to stay away because of my mother and siblings. It’s been a few years now but the matter has got serious. For a long time I had assumed it was all in my head but I was wrong. He knows what he is doing and if I’m right he assumes I don’t know. I have told my elder sister but she pays no acknowledgement of this matter. I can’t ber to tell my mum/elder brother as I’m afraid of ruining the family. I had told one person who I have the intentions to marry.

And he is unsure what to do for 3 years he has seen me go through suicidal depression, his solution is to marry me but I’m afraid of getting married at young age for xyz reasons. My brother will not side with me In respect for my father - in the sense of getting married. I have come to terms of accepting marriage at young age as I have full faith that Allah (swt) will guide me Insha’allah. I have also come to a stage where I’m afraid to go into my home after work or afraid to even go to the bathroom in the mornings. What do I do in the Islamic sense?

My questions: Is he still my muhrram? Should I tell the family or tell him aside? Whose permission do I need if I wish to marry someone as You need a muhrram? If I forgive him will Allah (swt)? How do I cope?

I have had sabr and been praying for a long time now I’m just afraid of having children or getting married or waking up another day.

Thank you In advance.

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3 Responses »

  1. Dear sister,

    I am very upset to read your and another recent post of another girl struggle on this website.

    I understand the struggle that you went through and what you are going through. You are wondering if its in your head, or if its wrong to think so because its your head, and whether anyone would believe you.

    I understand the suicidal stronger more than anyone else, a year ago I tried to commit suicide, I know it was wrong, but at the time everything overwhelm me, and I just crashed. Not an excuse but these these thing does destroy you mentally, especially since its your father because he's meant to be your rmehram, someone who is meant to protect and look after you.

    I am appalled at your sister but I guess she's in denial and doesn't want to face up to it. . I went through something similar where my mother refused to acknowledge and shamed me into thinking that I was wrong and how could I accused my dad of doing an disgusting act. It took my mum a long time to acknowledge the truth, but she still decided to stay by my dad, which I won't lie it hurt me, especially since I thought she would at least confront him after me going to the hospital.

    Your story reminds me of me, you remind me of me so much. I too was scared of marrying and having children. After the hospital incident, I left home and stayed out. It was difficult leaving my family, with my mum constantly emotionally blackmailing me to come. During that time, I became stronger, although trust me I didn't feel like it. But taking myself out of the toxic environment I was able to breathe and start living my life. I met my now husband who I was able to trust and confide in.

    I would advise you to remove yourself from that environment. Tell your mum if you feel strong enough. If you want to marry this man, and he obviously cares about you and accepted you for you then you should tell your parents that you want to get married. I know that marriage is scary concept, but you are getting married to someone you trust and someone who alhumdullah understand you.

    You will not get any better unless you leave this environment, where you are living in constant fear and anxiety. I would advice you to get married and if they refuse you can go to imaam, I got married without my mehram due to these circumstances that you are facing. As long as you are honest to the imaan about your situations, they should be able to get you married.

    I believe you sister, and maybe telling your family will help you, Im afraid that they would be a backlash like it was with mine, I don't want you to be more stressed out than you already are. I feel like maybe once you are in a safe place or more secure with your emotions, you should confide in your mum. Im worried about your state right now. I do think you need to move out soon.

    If you would like discuss further please do not hesitate to chat here and if this site allows it, Im more than happy to give my email out to you.

    Please sister, take heed to my advice, I see me in you and in your story, something tell me that you are at the breaking point. Take a break or go to your friends house for few days, that may give you a chance to reset your mind for a bit, and help you think clearer. You may want see a psychiatrist because you may benefit from speaking to someone about it.

    Hope that you take something from this, and that it would help you at least in the thought that you are no alone and that you are in our prayers. Please be stronger than me, do not make my mistakes, I already know you are stronger, because you had made steps before in securing your safety by running away.

    May Allah Ta ala ease your pain and give the strength like he did for me.

  2. Salam,

    I think you need to say to your mom, your sister, and your brother what exactly has been going on. Based on your post if your father has done:
    (Touching, kissing, holding)
    I don't think that's inappropriate as many fathers kiss their daughter, hold them, and then touching just happens through hugging or holding. If he's touching your private parts below the belt that's pretty intentional and bad. If he's grabbing your chest then that's pretty intentional too. If he's doing that then say exactly that he's doing that. Otherwise it may come off that you're complaining about getting hugs and kisses and most people won't react to that in a bad way.

  3. Gather proof and report him to police.

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