Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father in Law is a controlling bully

police car, cool carAssalmwaalaikum,

I was married in June 2008.  My wife's parents home is nearly 18 hrs journey from my house. In spite of this long journey, my wife used to visit her parents after every 10 days. She stays there for nearly a month, she comes back for a week or 10 days to my house and again she goes back. If we stop her, she will inform her father who is an Assistant Superintendent of Police, who used to threaten us for not sending his daughter to his house. In my marriage of two years she's been with me for just 3 months and the rest of the time she's been in her parents house.

Last, on 7th Feb'10 she went to her parents house. She called me to bring her back on 7th of Mar10. I asked her to come with her father,  since I was held up in my March audit work pressure.  She told me that her father is not in house and he will be back only after a week.  I (with lot of difficulty) went there and was surprised to see that her father was in house. When I asked why she called, she said she was just joking. When I was asking this to my wife her father came to me and slapped me. I just walked away from that house. Even after this I asked my wife to  come with me and she didn't come.

After this this is the month of September - 9 months in total over, my wife never called me or showed her face to me. I tried to call her thousands of times but she never picks up my call. She used to switch off the phone after my first ring.  I became tired and stopped calling her after 3 months.  Even in the month of Ramazan she didn't call me. Now her father threatens me and my family that he will put me into dowry, sexual harrasment and other cases which I have not done. Her father, just because he is a police man, is doing all kinds of torture on us. He has made me and my parents, my sisters and brother's life miserable.

What to do? how to get rid of this devil man?  Now, it's almost three years of my marriage and I was with my wife just for around 3 months. I don't want to suffer any more, I just wanted to get divorced from this girl and to get rid of her father. What to do? Please help me and pray for me to Allah (saw) to curse this man and show him his fate. He is not scared of Allah (saw), he is not scared of life after death.

Hope to get an early reply.


- Y.

[*names have been deleted to protect confidentiality*]

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6 Responses »

  1. Salaam,

    May Allah give you comfort during this very displeasing time. May Allah help all 3 people involved to work things out if they can.

    I have to be honest, I don't think the father alone is to blame, the wife is too, what kind of a shameful wife spends more time away from her husband than with him. Is this not the first step towards forcing a man to do wrong things (Zina)?

    I suggest you speak to the wife and if she refuses or goes running to her father again, you divorce her. Divorce is a major step and no one should encourage it, however this has gone on long enough, 2 years? After 2 months a couple should be inseperable let alone 2 years.

    My advice, one last discussion with your wife, if she refuses to do her duties as a wife, which is to be by your side, then you must end your marriage. Just read yoru post yourself and you will see at no point do you express love or strong feelings toward her, how sad, a married man cannot do that, you have suffered to much brother, you must speak one last time before deciding to end it.

    As for the father, do not fear him, Allah is on your side.

    • I agree with brother Mohammed. When a woman gets married, her husband is supposed to become her new family. She and her husband and their children form a new family unit around which their lives revolve. Your wife clearly never understood this, was never dedicated to you, never truly loved you, and never saw a real future with you. I don't even know why she married you since she is obviously not ready for marriage.

      File for divorce. Insha'Allah the woman's father will get tired of harassing you and will leave you alone.

      Wael Editor

  2. I'm trying to understand why your wife is doing this. Is it possible that your wife fears her father? Does she maybe bow to his demands instead of being with you because he bullies her too? If she has suffered abuse at her fathers hand then perhaps she is scared to go against him.

    I am very sorry to hear that you are suffering through this. I agree with the advice from the first response. Try talking to her once more, let her know that you love and support her but that you can only do these things if she is by your side. If she still choses her father over you then I fear that is a battle you will never win.

    Wishing you all the best.

  3. I am also trying to understand why your wife is doing what she is doing? Neverless you must really talk to her and find out if you stand a chance, as your family doesn’t deserve to be treated badly either. I think you need to find out the real reasons of all this and I agree with the first post as well. I disagree with Wael to a certain point, some women are forced to marry certain husbands chosen by their parents and therefore don’t know how to love back and cant handle the marriage maybe some parents should take reasonability you don’t know if his wife was forced into this marriage but also is being controlled by her father and doesn’t want to disappoint him. If you get no answer then you know the answer, i hope you get through this and good luck

  4. ASAK

    step 1) write a letter since she will not respond to your phonecalls. mail one to her . glue the other one to her fathers front door and add a note that you will publish a copy.
    step2) in this letter you will say either you come home and have a written agreement (witnessed by a lawyer) that she has agreed to visit her family whenever you both agree and she must ask permission.
    step 3) Give her a deadline that unless she returns home to discuss and come to an agreement you will be sending divorce papers to court on this day ( fill out the forms and keep them ready for filing)
    step 4) if there is no reply.
    step 5) mail her the talaq
    step 6) Move away. start arranging for a transfer now or a new job in another state.
    step7) If she contacts you then the agreement is she comes and lives with you whereever you are in the world.

    hope this helps.

  5. What country are we talking about? In Islam if a woman or a man is not with each with a logical like this one. In this case you have the right to marry another wife. You can also use technology like record what type of threats his is giving use that proof to give higher authority or even media to expose a man like that. Or just move out of town let him keep her. He should of never gotten her to begin with.

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