Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father is destroying my life… but he says I’m the one that’s brought him shame!

She ran away because she was oppressed

At age of 19 I was in love with a guy, at that time I was doing my bachelors. I met him on internet. We used to chat and slowly and gradually I was in love with him. I never did something unlawful. I never even met him live. Our correspondence was only through chats.

One day my sis came to know about my affair and told my father about it. My father, without asking me any explanation, ordered me to stop my education and stay at home. I was really a hardworking student. My passion was education. I begged my father that I'll never contact that guy just please let me study but he refused.

So after that I was at home coping with depression. A proposal for marriage came for me which my father accepted. I was married to some guy. When I was married I was tortured by him. Beaten by him. I was abused.

One day my mind stopped working and I ran away without telling anyone where I am. I couldn't tell my parents about him. Because my relation with them was zero. No understanding. I knew if I told them my problem they won't even listen and would blame me like they did before. So I ran away. I stayed in girls hostel one day. Second day I called my sister for help. Then they said that they never knew that my husband is like this. If they knew they would never given my hand to him. Thus I wanted khula..

After my khula now I want to study again. My father is not letting me study. How would I live this life alone. He says I have caused him shame. I am in depression. Tauba astaghfirullah now I am in that situation that my mind stops and I want to commit suicide. I know it's gunnah.

What should I do.. I am no where in my life. Where should I go. If I went out. My father says that I have caused them enough shame and it all cause of me.

My sister also loves a guy and always I feel like my father is doing bad to me. He is doing injustice to me. Why me? Is it ok for a parent to do it like this?
And let me remind you the person I loved was married happily before I was married.
I am lost. I feel lonely. Please help me.


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3 Responses »

  1. What country you live in?

    Tell your dad getting education is even more important now. You are divorced now. If you are educated and have a job it will help you find a better husband. Ask your sister and mother to help you get back into school.

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    From the sounds of it, you appear to be from Pakistan--which of course complicates matters. I feel for both you and your father because you want to study, but your father, is afraid if you will begin a relationship again and because you live in a community where people are constantly driven by what other's will think or say, your problems are compounded.

    Perhaps, in the next while, you can work on building your relationship up with your father and gaining his trust and talking to him about the future. He will probably refuse again and again, especially in the beginning, but if you don't give up, keep on trying, show him that you will not betray his trust or transgress Allah's swt limits, he will begin to change his mind.

    I do want to point out that you mentioned that you didn't do anything unlawful, but dear sister, when two non-Mehrams speak privately, especially in the context of romantic relationship, that alone is unlawful.

    Your father's thinking is a product of the environment and culture that he grew up in and it will not change - so, you, will have to:
    1. Not give up hope on yourself
    2. Make sincere repentance to Allah swt and never engage in a relationship with a boy again outside of marriage--even just talking
    3. For now, try to see if you can read up on the subject/profession you want to pursue--is it possible to even take some online courses?
    4. Make countless du'a to Allah swt to change your situation and don't give up on the Mercy of Allah as it is greater than we can imagine--but when we give up hope, we shatter the chance at having that Mercy. When we repeat our errors again and again, we close the way to that Mercy - so be loyal to the remembrance of Allah swt and don't give up.

    May Allah swt aid you in your future endeavours, Ameen.

  3. AssalamAlikum,

    Where are you now, sister? Are you living with your father or on your own? If you are living with your father, you need to establish his trust slowly by helping around the family and be responsible with all you do. In the meanwhile, you may want to take some free on line courses. There are a lot of FREE university level on line courses available now as some of them can grant you credit towards your degree or certificate when you have finished the coursework. At least, you can show your father that you are seriously want to go back to study. When the time comes, ask him if he can pay for you.

    Again, I do no know how practical if you can find a part time job / full time job in your country. You may want to save up your earning to go to community college.

    Please do not live in the past and sorrows, the bright side is you get yourself back and can move on to do something that may contribute to the society in the future.

    Inshallah, may Allah relieves your pain and shows you His mercy. He has prepared something special for you in your life, you need to be strong and move on and grab it.

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