Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father is violent and won’t find me a marriage

domestic violence

Violence is never a solution.

My parents are abusing me and delaying my marriage unnecessarily.

Today, I hit my father because he use words - bad words - about my mom with me. I was arguing him on water cooler, he was insisting on keeping old one and I was insisting to buy the new one, suddenly it all heat up and he used bad words. I got angry and start throwing things here and there. He is a multi billionaire business man but living like poor.

I am 31 and muslim, he never asked me to assist in getting me married. I am his only son. My only sister is already married. I start hating him because he turn deaf ear on getting me married. I have strong sex desires and I do masturbate a lot, after every masturbation I start hating my parents more and more.

So come back to hitting incident: After I was throwing household things here and there he said to me "come here, come here, come here, I will kill you today". Then he was throwing things on me including hammer and screwdriver and then I also attacked him, hit him, and tear his shirt.

I am very upset please help me.


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13 Responses »

  1. AoA,

    You did wrong with your father and should ask forgiveness.
    Marriage is in the hands of Allah(SWT), not in the hands of you or your father. ok
    If they have not any girl for you, then be brave. find someone for yourself and do Nikah.

    you poor not know the real meaning of Islam.

  2. Your parents seem like they do not love you and do not care if yoy are married or not.

    If you are independent just move out.

  3. OP: I am 31 and muslim, he never asked me to assist in getting me married. I am his only son. My only sister is already married. I start hating him because he turn deaf ear on getting me married. I have strong sex desires and I do masturbate a lot, after every masturbation I start hating my parents more and more.......So come back to hitting incident: After I was throwing household things here and there he said to me "come here, come here, come here, I will kill you today". Then he was throwing things on me including hammer and screwdriver and then I also attacked him, hit him, and tear his shirt.

    You and your father may harm each other seriously. Thirty one year old should not be throwing things around and your father should not be saying things like "I will kill you today". Find a job away from where you live and move. Don't depend on your parents to find a girl for you.

  4. Brother,

    We all lose our cool at one time or another however you are old enough at this point to know when to walk away. Using foul words is one thing however when you resort to throwing things, that is when someone can get hurt.

    If your parents haven't asked to assist you in finding a wife, go and tell them "I am ready to marry and I would like your help in finding a wife". If they can't be bothered, ask your sister if she knows any women that she feels might make a good match for you. If she can't help you, go to the masjid and talk to the Imam. There are many avenues for you to find someone. If you hold a job and can afford a wife, a place to live and so forth, there is no sound reason why you should not marry.

    Go to your father and apologize for what transpired. Yes I know that he started it by using foul words however, you just have to be the bigger person here. Your father isn't going to apologize for anything. It's just not going to happen. You however can put your male pride away if even just for a moment and let him know that you are sorry that things escalated the way they did. In the end, you will feel so much if a weight has been lifted off of you. The key to learn son is to know when to walk away. Allah hu Alem


  5. As-salamu alaykum brother Naveed,

    You have committed a serious, serious sin. What you have done is called elder abuse and it is a crime. It is also the act of a bully, as you are stronger than him.

    You need to make tawbah to Allah and beg His forgiveness, and also apologize to your father. You must absolutely never repeat this behavior.

    You cannot control your father's behavior. You cannot stop him from calling you bad names when he gets angry. But you can control YOUR behavior. The next time your father becomes abusive, just leave the house. Go for a walk, go to the masjid for prayer, go to the cinema to see a movie, or whatever. Do not throw things, and do not hit. You must learn to express your anger in non-physical ways, and develop habits that allow you to cool down. This is vital.

    If you are able, consider moving out of the house and living on your own.

    On to the subject of marriage. Stop waiting for your father to help you. Find your own wife, and get married Insha'Allah, with your parents' approval or without it. Marriage is a human right and your parents do not have the right to block it.

    Wael Editor

  6. Dear brother,

    As other commenters have already mentioned you have to ask for forgiveness from your father.

    It seems like your father is expecting respect from you. Try and give and show him respect and see his attitude change towards you.

    When he said " I will kill you " he wouldn't have meant it literally, it might have been something he uttered in a rage of anger and also all those throwing things, he might have done it in anger. It seems that he doesn't have control over his anger. You are his son and you should help him to keep control on his anger and not make him more angry.

    You are his son and would surely know what makes your father happy. Try to do things which make him happy and get him in a good mood and then talk about your marriage.

    In the meantime start learning and practicing more about Islam. Try to utilize this time to prepare yourself for your marriage. Marriage is not an easy relationship, you have to be physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially strong to have a successful marriage. The free time you have now, use to improve your life which you can share with your future wife when the time comes for you to get married.

    May Allah grant you a Pious spouse.

  7. Salamalaikum.
    Father is the central door of paradise and the paradise lays under the feet of mother.

    Sorry brother I'm completely upset and disappointed with your behaviour.

    We both have the same problem. My father is
    A billionaire with a vast business all around middle east and wen angry he uses whatever is in his hand to hurt me. I was fractured many times hospitalised many times had stitches in my hand he also threw hot tea many times on my face in front of my office staff...i am the eldest son and having the work stress I cannot sleep more than 5 hours a day so I sleep in my office one hour and my secretary helps me to Inform if my dad is asking for me.
    May allah lessen the anger of my father. Sometimes I think about killing myself or just wanna disappear. But I am extremely happy and I thank allah for giving me such a father and a life. The people says that wen I am not around my father is so proud of me that I never try to ask why is he so strict and I am his favourite among my three brothers.
    Alhamdulillah I have money properties and every luxury and that is all what I earned my father didnt give me anything yet....

    I have this all problems

    But I try my best to be calm and pray and ask from allah.

    Read my comment completely.

    First ask forgiveness from your father

    You went against the words of allah just as your father doesnt let you marry or search for you a girl.
    Lack of education and patience.

    31 age is actually enough to know the difference in good and bad. Your father is a millionaire and not wasting his money in buying things it shows that how he sacrificed his life to earn for family.
    You didnt hit your father but you hurt the door of paradise.

    Everybody has such problems in their lives but if
    People started misbehaving with their parents then what will be the world and the teachings of prophet mohammed peace be upon him.

    If your father had masturbate maybe you were completely wasted. But he let you born halal so respect him. Dont forget that you were created just from a sperm cell of your father.

    Allah says in quraan.
    "Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and ye be kind to your parents." (Qur'an 17:23)

    As I can sense that its just you addicted for sex and having low thoughts... there is no difference between having a physical relation or having a thought of sex and satisfying yourself both are a sin...

    Why dont you try fasting....
    Go against the will of your parents search a girl marry her bring to the house and introduce.. allah will help if your intensions were good.

    Be a man and a good son.

    May allah bless all Muslims.

  8. As Salaamu 'alaykum Brother Naveed,

    It seems that you are in a very difficult situation. Insha'Allah you are doing well. Respect towards parents is extremely important, but we don't know your whole story. It sounds to me like you have a very valid reason to be angry at your father. You should not be hit, you should not be hurt, you have the right to receive respect, even by your parents. If our parents don't respect us though, we must focus on respecting Allah and respecting ourselves.

    People are telling you to forgive your father and that you should know better, but have you been taught how to deal with anger properly? It seems that you have not.

    A few points:

    1. You are an adult. You have the right to make your own decisions. AND you have the responsibility to learn how to do that. Read that again: You are an adult, and you are responsible for your own actions. Your parents may not have taught you about and may be preventing you from making good judgments. However, you can seek knowledge and help on your own while still respecting your parents, which are my next points.

    2. Seek help and knowledge from qualified people. These people can be at your local Masjid, or, fortunately, you can find help online. Go straight to those who are professional (not all respected Imams or Shuyookh are professionals), you will not regret it, Insha'Allah. Call the number in the website below:

    For motivation, I would watch videos on YouTube about Islam by Ustadh Usama Canon, Imam Tahir Anwar, Imam Khalid Latif, Shaykh Abdur-Rahman Waheed, Ustadh AbdelRahman Murphy, Shaykh Hamza Yusuf, Ustadh Amjad Tarsin, Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan. These people are refreshing to listen to.

    3. At the same time, and this is going to be extremely difficult, but with the Help of Allah, the Most Merciful and Kind, show kindness towards your parents. They may not show love towards you, but this may be a way for you to get closer to Allah. How?
    a) By accepting your parents' behavior, you are being patient. Hearing that might be frustrating, but you get more reward for things that are more difficult. And you can try to think of them in good ways (listen to the speakers mentioned above) so that they become less frustrating for you.
    b) By being kind to them, you are showing Allah, the One Worthy of Worship, that you do not need their kindness or understanding to be kind, but you only need Allah, The Wise. By being kind, you will receive His Pleasure and His reward, which are greater than anything your parents can ever give you.
    c) So, you can make Du'a, you can ask Allah, the Provider, for His help. You can call on Him by His Beautiful Names and acknowledge that He is the One on whom you can place your trust and from whom you can seek help.
    d) Allah's Mercy is greater than any sin we may commit, and His Love for us is greater than any love we may want to receive from people, and His Power is greater than any problem that we may have.

    4) Referring back to point 1, you are an adult. You don't have to do anything that I suggested. It is your choice. You can do this. Bismillah.

    As you said, you are 31 years old. What kind of Muslim did you plan to be by now? What kind of Muslim do you want to be? You can ask Allah to become a better version of yourself. Work hard for Allah and for yourself; Allah is Worth all of your effort, and He created you (& is testing you), so you are worth it.

    May Allah put Barakah in your efforts to do that which pleases Him, and May He reward you for your patience and gratefulness, Amin.

    Please let me know what you think.

  9. Brother physically hurting your parents is such a major major sin,

    Its not your fathers responsibility to find you a wife, i can understand you might be frustrated for him not helping if your finding it difficult, but please you have no rights to act in this way, your behavior could prevent Allah's blessing from reaching you brother!

    Allah will help you if you repent to him, fasting helps those struggling to keep themselves pure until they find a spouse,

    if your father assisted your sister to get married its because he is islamically obligated to do so as she is a female, there is no such obligation when it comes to males,

    Your dad deserves an apology and too feel safe around his son, if you bear this trail with patience Allah will reward you, Islam has placed the position of parents so very high please please please brother repent and be patient with your fathers harsh words,

    I hope inshallah you can mend the relationship with your father, make plenty of dua for a good wife inshallah and try and be the best person you can be so you are deserving of that blessing,

    may allah make it easy for you

  10. Dear All,

    Walaikum as Salam warhamtullah wabarkatu

    I want to add one thing here that , I had my nikah already year ago but my parents uneccssarily delaying the Ruksati or consumption of marraige.They Always realizing me that your wife is ugly,orphan,poor having lot of siblings,elder than you,not bringing any wealth in dowry.This things makes me mad.

    Alhamdulilah my wife is school principal in slum area, owns her own school as a family business.She has strong blief of Allah, she is good in Islam.But due to her looks and poverty my parents dislikes her.

    • Remind your parents that on Yawm Al-Qiyamah the definition of wealth and poverty will be completely different. The rich person will be the one who comes with many good deeds; while the poor person will be the one who has harmed people, so that he loses all his hasanat and enters the fire.

      Wael Editor

    • My humble advice.. start reading the Quran from page 1 to end.. everyday a little.
      Start tahajud prayers
      Fast on Mondays and Thursdays.
      If you are angry at him in your heart your apology will not be sincere so don't apologise now. Secluded yourself if possible and turn to Allah for guidance.
      Read surah Duhaa and it's translation.
      Read surah yaseen and rahman to ease of tensions and fulfill your desires.

      If you are already married along with rukhsati by now good. If not but you have had your nikkah done then you can fulfill your sexual desires as you please. If none of this has happened as of yet then try reducing your habit of masturbation and remember everytime you refrain yourself from doing it pray to Allah and your prayers will be answered. Go out with friends ... occupy yourself with fun activities as well... if you masturbation everyday multiple time decrease it to once a day. If you do it once a day everyday then decrease it to once every few days... and so on and then finally go cold turkey. Meanwhile recite astaghfirullah. Even when you are doing it ask Allah for forgiveness and ask him to help you. He says ujeebo dawatad da ee izzaa da an. .. in surah baqara. He is ever so close in responding back. Have faith.

      And yes when things don't go certain ways... then remember thag part of your iman is thag every single thing is under Allah's control... so never blame human beings for anything wrong or any stressful situation you undergo...

      Praise Allah. Ask for forgiveness whenever you can... fall in love with your creator and yes if you can afford it go for an umrah. Take your parents with you and there in front of the House of our Lord ... ask ur dad to forgive u and then tell him what u want.

      You will be in my prayers and in sha Allah your situation will improve extremely soon. Ameen.

      Sister by faith.

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