Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Religious father has turned to porn and prostitutes

Tornado, lightning, thunder, storm

Aslam-u-Alyqum, I find myself in a situation out of my control, but requiring my intervention in some way. My father who has been married to my mother for 28 yrs now, who performed Hajj about 4 yrs ago, and is a regular musali (prays regularly), who I regarded as having a high moral code, and is generally a very logical person, resigned from a lucrative professional career about one year ago, because of religious persecution.

After spiralling into financial difficulty I sold him 25% interest in my business, so as to help him and my family in his care, I unfortunately can’t afford to pay him what he was accustomed to earning before, which he was ok with as he adopted a humbler lifestyle. ALL GREAT UNTIL. ...

A month or so ago My mother in-law, a respectable source, brought to my attention that someone she knew claimed to have seen my father in a brothel / sex house, to which my immediate response was “anyone BUT my Father” since then I’ve walked in on him a few times viewing pornography on his PC at the office, (very upsetting to me as any haraam will take from Allah’s blessings in my business) but being my father I didn’t know how to react so I ignored it.

Then Someone told me that they overheard him on the office phone talking to what sounded like a prostitute, asking “how much per hour”, after this I couldn’t help but check his emails and Browsing history which sort of confirms these concerns, as the most frequently visited site was "sex traders" and many emails were found where he is conversing about and proposing meetings with strange woman, he seems to be on every day, most of the day, Fridays included despite us going together for Jumuah in between his zinaa.

I have also found that he is still under serious financial strain, and found summons from his creditors, and communications with attorneys. I know that my mother and him fight a lot recently, especially about their financial problems and him not wanting to go work in the corporate sector again. And the strain this is putting on her, who works Full-time.

I’m trying very hard not to hate him for this but rather to hate the act, and remember that it is shaitaan, but this is my father the person I’ve held in such high regard my entire life, and even though I have no right to judge, I cant help feeling disappointed, at that which I factually know he is doing and scared of what I don't factually know he is doing and the affect this could have on my Mother and younger brothers.

He hardly contributes to the business and now I know why, I have been feeling for a while as if though the salary I’m paying was merely Sadaqa to my family, and that he didn’t deserve it based on his work contributions. But he is comfortable and free because his son owns the business, and I now see how this has contributed to his problem.

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, we have never been able to talk, with emotional driven anger always misdirecting our conversation. I know that I'd like to approach the situation in an Islamicaly guided manner, but I cant seem to find any literature advising in this regard.


- SI

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , , ,

10 Responses »

  1. Assalamu'alaikum SI

    I admire that fact that you've maintained patience and sought out a means to deal with this issue. I can totally relate to your emotions and as unreal and horrid that is it, it's very wise of you to try and approach this matter with more wisdom than emotion. Your father suffers from 'sexual addiction', an issue that many people across the globe face. Unfortunately we're an ever increasing sexually desesensitived environment. Which promotes very filty and distructive sexual mentalities.Resulting in a lot of social chaos.

    The problem here is mental, just because a person prays/fasts etc,it does not mean that they are free from major sins. The condition of people's heart are unknown to us. And each persons weakness is an issue we must humble ourselves to remember to ask Allah swt to protect us from such short comings.

    In one of the talks Brother Zeyad says to keep an open mind, and not to judge people of these crimes especially if you are trying to help them. Of course in Islam, the punishment for adultry is severe, but they are conditions to be met, first condition is being the country you live in must practice shar'iah law. So the best thing for you right now is think in a proactive manner, approach the manner in a gentle but firm manner. Ultimately your father needs to be convinced to get counselling for sexual addiction.

    May Allah swt help you and your family, and may He give you success in your efforts...Ameen

    • Sister Shireen, I think your answer is excellent, especially your advice that the father needs counseling for sex addiction. However, I would be wary of sending people to a website that offers a $400 CD set. I just think that's excessive and way out of most people's budget. It would be better to refer them to a free resource, or at least one that is affordable. For that reason I removed the link. If you have any other links to free resources, please post them.

      Wael Editor

  2. I clearly gave the wrong link... try this one .. on the right hand side you'll see a section that says "free".

    We must note that the brother's that set up these programs dedicate their lives to helping others but they must feed their own family too. It's costly to produce, print and instruct. As a whole an Ummah we need to support the cause. Naturally it can be unaffordable to some (but I often think whenever there's a will there's a way.. a little less Starbucks?), wa Allahu Alim. Knowledge is pricy, so are counsellors, and counselling, and self help books. ... and Dr Phil!

    The objective is to find resources to tackle the issues dead on, it's VERY hard to find that. Many scholars deal with sexual matters in the light of Quran and Sunnah which is awesome. But the psychological aspects are yet to be tackled which is why we find many not benefiting from the advice of our beloved Prophet saw, because they are much deeper than the 'norm'. This isn't just checking out bro lower your gaze etc. This is as any addiction; as any addiction it's very serious......and needs serious help/commitment to change.

    May Allah swt guide us to what is good and protect us from the evils of ourselves and shaytaan .. Ameen.

  3. I t is forbidden in the Quran to probe into someone's matters if you ahve found from some acquantance of your mother in law who happened to be in the same brothel your father was in then you will have to take a whlole lot of your kinsmen put under close suvailance. Pray from Allah to show you all a way in accordance with the ways and means as shown in the holy Quran.

    • He stated that there was someone whom she knew was at brothel , (here i am with you brother that how can his mother in law believe that guy who was at brothel ?), Secondly there might also be a chance that he might have contacted but actually didnt proceded. The questioner is having preconceived ideas that he is not contributing in business ,quarreling with her mom etc and he assimilates that this is the reason.

      I sincerely ask you to converse with your father clearly and elucidate the entire situation. Even a lay man knows that whatever he is doing is wrong.. But the problem is WHY HE THINKS THAT ITS NOT WRONG?!!

  4. Assalamu Alaikum,
    Why don't you try confronting your father about this? Do it in a calm manner. He will most likely be ashamed of his deeds. Point out to him the fact that if he is so ashamed about you knowing this, then how will he face your mother? Most of all, how will he ever face Allah? I am sorry to hear this, and can only imagine what you are going through.

  5. I got chills down my spine when I read this. Zina & then Juma is absolutely shocking. May Allah please forgive him and guide him. Allah give him the ability to repent many times before death comes. May Allah grant this man the ability to stay away from all evil and go back to his old deeni ways. But I must admit, there is a good character in him somewhere. He was able to raise a child like you, who is aware of halal and haram and loves his parents enough to take action.

    Im not DR Phil, but if all else fails, maybe he should find another wife. Im all for Polygamy (the right way, not the secret way) and this man could have simply found a muslim woman to marry and his time would be evenly distributed between two house holds. It will also take care of his sexual addiction. Most men get up to these antics when they have too much time to spare; I have also heard of bored housewives 'flirting' on forums during the day. This is all because we do not take our spare time seriously. It should be for dhikr and quran, nafal salat or even fasting.

  6. Brother Ali--
    Why do you suggest his father marry a second woman when it is clear that this man is not responsible enough to take care of his first wife and family? You are right that this may be a result of having too much time to spare, but he should find positive things to do. The same goes for these "housewives" you mention. Everybody is human, but we should try to change our unlawful ways as opposed to finding excuses to justify them (not that this was your intention, but just saying).

  7. Assalamu alaykum

    it seems like he's suffering a midlife crisis, which is otherwise known as andropause. Check up on andropause remedies.

    Refer him to the following links

    Also, you may wish to refer to quran 23:2-9, as well as verse 19.

    And this you can view yourself , so that you don't end up like your father.

  8. Consider speaking to him about it in a calm way, and say that your mother (his wife) and you are very concerned

    suggest he sees the doctor to check if he is suffering from andropause

    offer to pay for marriage counseling maybe for him / or to get counseling for sex addiction / see and discuss with an Imam about any issues he has (maybe say it as part of requirement for him to keep his job so that he will go for it insha` Allah)

    make sure you keep close surveillance on his computer, phone and so on and always make sure you know where he is going

    make lots of du'a and beg Allah to guide him, may Allah safeguard us all from misguidance.

Leave a Response