Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My fiance knew his cousin was cheating on my sister and said nothing. Should I break my engagement?

How to deal with jealousy?

How to deal with jealousy?

Hello There,

I'm a Muslim woman, my name is Asher and I have recently been engaged to a man (Shareef) who my family has known for a very long time. The engagement was arranged by our families. I have no objections to the marriage, however his cousin who is married to my sister, cheated on her. Him and his cousin are very close and he knew about his cousin cheating and never said anything.

Shareef's dad and my dad are close friends and when the knowledge of my brother-in-law's infidelity reached us, we were very upset. Now my sister and her husband are getting a divorce. They have only been married for 2 years and divorce is not accepted in my family; my parents have clearly said that they will have nothing to do with her.

Shareef has numerously told me that this has nothing to do with us, but how can I celebrate my wedding when my sister's life has been so damaged. Even more he knew about all of this and he could have helped but didn't. Shareef and.  I were both born and raised in America so arranged marriage is seen as a cop-out by our friends, but this has no affect on me.

But one thing that does upset me is how jealous Shareef is; despite what's going on with our families he keeps picking on me because I have male friends and I work. He says that there is no need for me to work, because he makes enough for me to stay at home. I like working though. Another thing he does is ever since we've been engaged is that if any of his brothers (he is the eldest) or cousins talk to me he immediately wraps himself around me. His constant touching in front of his family is really embarrassing and it makes me uncomfortable.. When we were engaged I promised my mother I would try my best to make it work but if I knew it wasn't going to that I should break it off before we are married. I don't know if I am backing out of it because of all the things with our family going on or because of Shareef's jealousy.

If you can, please give me some help,.  thank you.

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3 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum sis,

    after reading i can just about understand your situation. from my point of view i personally think you shouldnt marry him. a guy who gets jealous easily are the one who become over-protective and a control freak. you also said "His constant touching in front of his family is really embarrassing and it makes me uncomfortable"? sis he is not allowed to touch you in anyway since you are not married yet, also you wrote "despite what's going on with our families he keeps picking on me because I have male friends and I work"? i think he is just childish.

    sis it seems you have doubts in your heart, if that is the case then there is no point in marrying him, cos its most likely to fall through.

    ma salama

  2. talk with ur family about it they may advice u better than anyone bcoz they know him and the situation.

  3. There are two separate issues here:

    1. Shareef knowing about his cousin cheating on your sister.
    2. Shareef's jealousy.

    On the first issue, I agree with Shareef that it has nothing to do with the two of you. Frankly, if I were in his position I'm not sure I'd do anything differently. It was not his place to step in and inform you or your sister of the cheating. Maybe he was hoping his cousin would end the affair, and he didn't want to break up the marriage. Maybe he didn't want to be the bearer of bad news. In any case, I can't really fault him for staying out of it.

    Regarding his jealousy, it could be a problem. As Ahmed said, the touching is inappropriate. I don't know how religious you are, or how aware you are of Islamic rules, but he is not your husband and should not be touching you at all.

    I'm getting the feeling that you may be very Americanized. You wrote, "he keeps picking on me because I have male friends..." Actually, this would be a problem for me too. I would not expect my wife to have male friends. To have work colleagues, yes, that's fine, and to deal with them and talk to them for work purposes is okay. And to have couple friends, where my wife and I get together with them as a couple, that's also fine. But I would not expect my wife to have male friends of her own that she hangs out with or gets together with. That's not appropriate for a Muslim woman, nor for a man, for that matter. I do not have female friends that I meet with or spend time with, either.

    I know it's common in American culture, and if you are that Americanized then maybe Shareef is not the right man for you. You might need someone who's very Westernized in their attitudes like you.

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