Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My fiance left me after relations

secrets, hidden past,

I am a 24 years old muslim girl.I am very much confused right now. Wanted to register on a marital website but I was not sure to really do that. However as I was saying I am very confused right now.

I had a long relationship with my fiance which finally broke up. I am upset now a days. Because I am 101% supportive towards our relation and still want to do everything to get him. But now he’s getting engaged with someone else which he is saying that he got agreed because of his family’s pressure. I believe it’s not difficult for a man to take a stand but in short it’s happening and he’s saying he only loves me and will only get into engagement nothing else but I know it wouldn’t be like that in future.

The main reason I am here is to get some advice according to islam. The main thing I want to add is we have got physical relation with each other which I regret now but what’s done is done.

I know I shouldn’t disclose that because it’s between me and my Allah but I am telling all that because now my family is also asking me to get married as he left me. But I am terrified to imagine my future because in our community it’s not allowed before marriage as we are muslim. I did wrong and i also feel sorry for whatever I did but as I said I am terrified that if I got married my future husband would get the idea that I am not pure because it’s obvious that he would know certainly. And I know men can’t tolerate that and it would result in a disaster as my family would finally get to know that, as he would not keep me with him I am sure after knowing all that. As I have heard it happens to girls this way.

Now I am really scared. I know I did a terrible thing. And I am not worthy of forgiveness and I know Allah is punishing me for that. But please guide me what should I do.

I am thinking of not getting married ever as it would disclose my secret. I am confused, lost and disturbed. Please guide me I know only Allah can guide us but His followers can be the source. I am unhappy, unsuccessful, depressed and not well. I need guidance and prayers. Please all the people using this site pray for me please pray that may Allah forgive me and guide me. Please pray for my good fortune, for peace of mind and soul, for my happiness and success and well being in this world and in akhirat as well.please I need prayers I am broken. I don’t wanna shatter.please everyone pray for me.

May Allah help us, guide us and forgive us all. Ameen.


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7 Responses »

  1. Salam Alaikum Sister! May Allah help you with everything, Ameen!

    First of all I would advise you to leave that man. In one sentence if he cannot convey his point to his point to his family of wanting to marry you, he is not good husband material in the first place. He would have keep doing that even in future for other matters. And his claim of loving you are of no practical use. It will harm you as well. Leave him and his thoughts of ever marrying you.

    Now lets come to you. I assume you to be belonging to a desi family, like me :p First of all through away this metality of "Allah punishing you for your deed". Allah does not punish a person. He puts people into trial so that they may repent. Consider the things you gone through as a way for you to turn to Him alone. Remember this verse speaks directly of the same situations:
    Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."
    So stop considering yourself as "impure". Believe me this concept of impurity that is embedded into the minds of many of us, esoecially desis, as I belong to one to I can tell, is not an islamic concept at all! Person do sins and they repent, improve themselves. You did something prohibited, and now what is left is for you to do tawbah and learn more about deen and improve yourself.
    As for question of your future husband may know about your act, so first learn about about Islam more and improve yourself and search for someone who understand deen as well and also had good character and khuluq. Islamically you are not obliged to tell him about this action. I am not married myself so I dont know whether a man can know about it unless you tell him. As from what I know, doing this deed once does not change the person physcially that the husband could tell. And some women just does not have hymen at all, whike other broke it due to using hygenic products etc. So if you future husband know all of these thibgs, he will just not know about it. But even if he come to know somehow, it depends on him as a person.
    Not all men, at least I can say about myself, associate purity with virginity. Purity of a person is in his inside, his soul, his character. Many reverts who come to islam are not virgin, this does not make them less pure! And many of them are much better muslims than the born muslims themselves.
    So what you need to do is to build your character, and look and learn about the Islamic perspective on marriage. In this age, we have the bkessing of internet as well. Listen to lectures, understand deen. Also learn how should spouse search for one another and what things to discuss and how to lead their lives, and then search for someone who meets your criterion etc.
    And remember it is due to the attachment a person develops that Islam teaches to always involve parents from start. So that things can go smoothly, without forming ang attachment. You did a mistake in past, just dont reoeat it in future.
    I hope this may help you little bit. May Allah guide you sis. Jazakallaho Khair

  2. You could consider disclosing your secret and trying to get married that way. You don't have much to lose if you're considering never getting married and holding on to your secret. Unless of course there's a harsh punishment within your community.

  3. Aoa.
    Brother ali 123 thanks for taking time and reading and answering my post and suggesting good things for me. Your words brought hope for me and its encouraging.
    I have repented but i always feel that i am not getting the feel from inside which real momins would have felt while they seek forgiveness. I have decided in my heart that i am not going to repeat any sins and inshaaAllah i would never ever do that again but i am talking about the tawbah, i cried infront of Allah and i am still doing the same but i couldn't feel that thing which momins would have felt. May be. Becoming light and feeling pure after tawbah. I still feel guilty and like i am doing all that just with words. May be i have sinned alot so now Allah doesn't care whatever i do. May be my heart and soul is stained now.
    And now the next part, for getting married. Well brother i dont know if there are such men out there who can accept such a past and let it go open heartedly. Because men are very eagerly and conscious that their wives should be pure whether they themselves aren't. May be alot of men like your mentality are still there or i should say who follow islam and forgives, when a person has already repented. But its also a bitter truth that Allah forgives but we His creation, we are very stubborn for that. And as i have learned from my past mistakes for sure so Now i have left the marriage part to my family that they would decide whatever is good for me. But i am still afraid that what if that person i am going to get married wouldn't accept me with my bad past. I belong to a respectable and nobel family i wouldn't bear my parents standing in such a terrible state just because of my sins. I couldn't put my parents in that situation. I know i committed a terrible sin but my parents are innocent and i dont wanna spoil rest of their lives with that unforgiving sin of their daughter.
    Even though i have repented and may be i would have been forgiven by Almighty Allah but His people His creation, they are very cruel to forgive and if they dont i wouldn't blame anyone for that. As i am getting what i have sowed.
    I have faith in Almighty Allah that He would do what is best for me. And i have started asking for His willingness over mine because He chooses the best for us. So i am peaceful at that but i have no faith in people because my fiance was also one of them. And now he's leading a happy married life inspite of the sins we shared and another of hurting me.
    I am very much depressed and uncomfortable. I have become aggressive, harsh and frustrated which is not in my personality. By nature i was a polite and soft person but its becoming difficult for me to handle alot of this stuff which has been thrown in my face by a person i have loved more than everyone.
    But a positive thing that happened is that now i don't believe in such relations before marriage which are not based on islamic values. I know i would get out of this state with time but i am affraid that may be Allah is angry with me for i have sinned not once but for long, repented and then sinned. And now when i know, everything i did was a deception and i have repented. I feel that may be Allah won't believe me as i have done that mistake even after repentance in the past. I am guilty to face Almighty. And even after a huge mountain like sins i have committed, if He forgives me, His creation won't spare me despite of my repentance and all.
    Please pray for me that Almighty Allah forgives me for i have sinned and bless me with the best fortune and wisdom so that i can do good deeds that would help me get jannah in akhirat. I dont wanna suffer in the real life i-e akhirat. Please all of you who are reading my post pray for me.
    And sorry for writing alot of stuff.
    May Allah protects us from evil. And forgives us and bless us with iman and wisdom to act on the right path forver.ameen

  4. Asalaam Aliekom
    Its sad to hear your story my que is why you agrees for physical relation which is strongly probhited and big sin ? .. Would you like to share your e mail if you want .. Tk Carez

    • Aoa MSKD
      First of all thanks for reading and responding to my post. I know it's prohibited and a grave sin. That's why I have repented because i did what shouldn't have done. This is why islam strictly prohibits the meeting and dating of two nonmehrams which increases the risk of such sins as iblees is then involved. And it happened because i didn't follow islamic laws and it always happens this way. Thats why we have to stay away from non islamic culture and values. I did a mistake and have learnt from it and repented sincerely inshaaAllah. May Allah SWT forgives me for my sins. I have mentioned everything here because i want you people to guide me in the light of islam and it's also a lesson for many others. And now i don't believe in such relations that are based on non islamic culture and values. May Allah forgives me for my sins and bless me with iman and taqwah ameen. Please remember me in your prayers all of you brothers and sisters. May Allah bless all of you with iman and taqwah. Ameen.

  5. Sister Just repent for what you have done sincerely, forget this man, he is engaged to someone else,

    Its a myth that a Man has the ability to determine for sure whether a girl is virgin or not, you can check this with your GP if it makes you feel any better, if each of us knew the sins of others, none of us would want to marry each other,
    its nobodies business, the mistakes you have made in your life, if Allah has concealed what have you have done, you should not reveal it to anyone, and no one has the right to question you about your past.

    Perhaps if a brother makes mention that he is looking for someone who hasn't been in a previous relationship, then you could leave that situation without revealing your sins, but if not, then go ahead and get married if you find someone suitable ..... if he then asks you within marriage, Just say Astagfirullah and remind him he has no right to inquire about your sins,

    claiming you will never get married is dramatic, as long as you seek forgiveness and do istighfar you will be fine inshallah, once Allah has forgiven you he won't continue to hold what you have done against you....

    Take care

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