Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My fiance thinks I cheated and won’t marry me even though we committed zina together

angry fist on laptop

Dear All,

I would really appreciate your advice in my problem. You see I am engaged to the love of my life. We have known each other for 5 years and everything was going great until I screwed up. My fiance asked me not to talk to a guy friend of mine but I did anyway. He found our conversation on my computer and this was a conversation that was a bit too friendly. My fiance is furious and thinks I cheated on him.

I did not cheat him in any way or form!! He says that me talking to this guy after he asked me not to and being too friendly with him is cheating. He even thinks that I really did cheat on him (as in having sex with him, and dating him). Which of course I did neither!!! I don't know how to prove to him I didn't. I told him I would swear on the Quran but he said he still won't believe me.

Even though I love him more than anything, I also still have to marry him because we commited zina. We did this after we got engaged and I regret it every day of my life. We commited zina over a year ago and this problem happened about 3 months ago. When I tell him you have to marry me because of what happened, he says I was planning on it until you cheated on me. He is convinced that I cheated and he refuses to just marry me and then do whatever he wants. Also the problem is that when we commited zina I did not bleed, I don't know why - he was my first that's for sure but for some reason I didn't bleed. Now on top of him thinking  I cheated he also thinks I was not a virgin to begin with so he is doubting everything.

I have prayed and done dua asking for forgiveness and inshAllah I will be forgiven, I feel so bad and I want to be a better person. I want a chance to make up for my mistakes by marrying him and not lying to him anymore. Now he refuses to forgive me and says he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I'm so upset I don't know what to do!!! I don't know how to convince him I have not done anything or how to help him forgive me!!! Please help!!!!!

Before we got engaged I did Duaa el istikhara and I woke up with a good feeling everytime, I had a dream once that I was at his house with his mother. So I am confused now as to what is happening. Now I am doing duaa el istikhara and when I wake up I don't feel anything, I actually feel heart pain like I miss him and I want him more and more. I am so confused I don't know what more to do!! Please help me!! I want everything halal and inshallah if I fix things I want katb-ktab (nikah) right away. I want to fix my mistakes and become a better Muslim.

Thank you all.


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15 Responses »

  1. First of all, Allah is most forgiving. Taubah nasuha and HE WILL forgive us all. See, I have been having problems myself which is more serious than yours. Until one day, I was so desperate and totally surrender all my heart and soul to Allah. I asked Allah to help and guide me. Alhamdulillah, because of His love for all of us, He showed my mistakes and He is helping me to solve my problems starting with my niat first. I am more at peace now and although all my problems is not solved yet, I know Allah will be there for me,InshaAllah. What u need now is to totally trust Allah to help guide u and He will give u the best solution. U should give everything to Allah and He'll help. Also never ever stop to Istighfar. With taqwa and tawakkal, He will give u a way out. I pray for you sister..

  2. Salaam,

    May Allah guide all those with good intention and who are pure in the heart onto the righteous path.

    It is very easy to fall into zina, but we should all learn from our mistakes, you should learn from yours too.

    Where in Islam does it say you should marry that person you have committed zina with? It doesn't, it says repent, repent and repent and when you are done repenting Allah will forgive you and maybe then you can marry that person if it is through the correct channels (your parents/family and his too).

    Time and time again we see girls and boys who think socialising with other boys and girls is ok, it is not ok. It leads to zina, in some shape way or form. You got caught being friendly with a guy, now what your fiancee does is entirely up to him, if he doesn't believe you, well you'll have to accept it, learn from it and Insha'Allah move on. To be honest, if you committed zina with him, can anyone blame him if he didn't believe you didn't commit zina with someone else? I for one wouldn't, so you must accept what he decides.

    My advice is simple, if you are engaged through the correct channels, you make no mention about parents or family, so I guess it's not, but if you are then speak to your family and maybe they can put his mind to rest. If you are engaged in the incorrect manner, ie. between yourselves, then end it now and get your family involved.

    May Allah guide you onto the righteous path and keep you away from the Shaytaan.

    • Yes , we did get engaged through proper channels, his parents came and asked for my hand in marriage, and everything. We had been engaged for over a year when this happened and we broke up! I can not tell my parents what i have done, Im sure if my dad finds out he will kill him! And i would rather live without him than risk his life in anyway or form! Thank you for your help i truly appreciate it!!

  3. dear siis salaam alkium ,after reading ur story i agree with da brother ,may allah 4giv uz uz every 1 does somthing we all regret say alahmdulah 4 everything happend 2 u it was written 4 u maa luv ,in if fince of urz meant 2be urz he will treast , just mak ducaa n pry salat iistaka fii aman allah

  4. Dear syrianbeauty
    I totally feel for you and not all women bleed therefore this is no fault of yours its how the men think and the lack of understanding not all women have the same body each is differant. Unfortunately its cruel for us women as this is the consequences we have to face to even get prove for everything never mind he played his part too. I think personally he didn’t want to marry you really because to me it seems he was waiting for one thing of you and if he really loved you then he would have trusted your word for it 5 years is a long time to be committed into the relationship. I think you should get him to hear you out and if not then you must learn from this situation and move on. I pray inshallah things work out for you.

  5. UPDATE: He has now realized that he feels guilty and has agreed to marry me after he finishes school in a year, like we would do nikah (katb ktab) and then divorce after a couple of weeks. I know he is just saying this so he doesnt feel guilty ,and that he doesnt mean it. I also know that he says thinking that after a year i will move on or meet someone new! I dont know what to do with this situation, he says that his pride is important to him and he cant forgive me because of that regardless of whether i cheated or not i still lied to him and he can no longer trust me! So what can i do now??

    Thank you all for your help! I truly appreciate it!!!

  6. Dear syrianbeauty

    Do you love each other or not because even marrying him is not a joke. Marrying someone isn’t for a couple of weeks it’s a lifetime commitment, trust and love. If he doesn’t believe you then that’s his problem not yours. Whether its his pride (izaat) or not he played he’s parted as well I think you two should think it through properly and decide. If your parents were involved in the engagement then they have a right to get involved to solve the prblems and you get married to him, but if you only going to make it work for couple of weeks then thats not fair on him. If he still think you have cheated then you better off moving on to someone who will love you and trusts you.

    • Yes we do love each other, or atleast i still do and he used to. So let me get this straight, if he really loves me he will get over it and trust me again and if not then move on. Everyone has been telling me that theory! Im not quite sure as to why thats not fair to him if we get married for a couple of weeks only, then divorce . It is much worse for me to be a divorcee than him. I feel like he has gotten over the cheating part and now we;re down to just the lying, but to him the most important thing to him is his pride he has even said as much as he loves me his pride wont let him forget anything and he doesnt trust me at all therefore he can not forgive me and give me another chance. I am not sure what to do at this point. Can i still do duaa el istikhara? Or is there another duaa that is more suitable for this? Thanks again for your help!

      • As salamu alykum sister,

        I agree that marriage is a serious decision, so serious that I would really stop a minute before accepting to marry for a couple of weeks; I don´t think you have really thought about the depth involved in the act of marrying someone, and I tell you, it is not just both of you, you are going to involve in the process two complete families, and friends,....think about this, how would you feel about lying to all the people that will get involve in a "couple of weeks marriage", you will lie having Allah as witness, because you will be conscious that you are marrying for a couple of weeks, then all the promises will be in vain. Please if your fiance is so straight that he cannot forgive your lie and give you other chance, how can he offer to you that both of you cope to build up that false act, didn´t he realized he was planning about lying in such a huge dimension?

        I don´t know anyone free from sin yet, I don´t know anyone that doesn´t have a past, I don´t know anyone that hasn´t commit a mistake or a fault during their lifes, then you have asked for forgiveness to him and to Allah(swt), because you acknowledge your fault, then make your prayers, do your best in your life to the best you can be, and be conscious of what he is asking you to do to keep his pride, does his pride deserve that both of you lie again to both families and friends? Talk to him and be clear, he wants sincerity, gives it to him as much as you can, talk to him, none of all the people that can get involve in this deserves it, and mainly I don´t believe none of you want to carry with that bitterness the rest of your life, divorce is bitter and painful even in the best circumstances, not just for both of you, yours families will be there too.

        Go to a marriage, full of Hope, Love, Respect, Humility, Sincerity,.... and whatever good you can think about, because in tough moments you will have to go to the roots of your feelings and remember how much you loved and respected him, and how much he loved and respected you. Let him know what you really want in your life and how much you love and respect him, it doesn´t matter which decision he takes, because as I´ve seen you love him unconditionally, and that says a lot about you.

        Probably, he even didn´t think about the dimension of his offer, make him think in the most loving and respectful way you are able to, be kind. gentle and patience to his hurt heart, the best you can be for him but never forget that you too deserve the best.

        Allah(swt)knows best.

        All my unconditional love and respect,


  7. Salam Alaiokoom!
    I'm married before I reverted to Islam. I tried my best to convince her to be a Muslim. I don't know how you call it, but maybe it's just ordained what happened after a few months of our marriage. by the way, we never really live together. we got married so we will not be in a serious situation, for we are working in an Islamic country. after we got married, she went home carrying our baby in her womb.
    But then, like what I 'm saying, something happen. I found a woman, to whom I really feel so different. like a chemical reaction in my body that I couldn't explain. we fell in love, so much in love I can say. she's so much willing to revert to Islam because of her love and interest at the same time about Islam. But things and situations are not easy. She is married but been separated for 8 years now, but without legal separation or divorce. Here so called ex-husband has cheated on her and now have his own family.
    So much complicated I know, but some questions I want to clear. How is it possible for me to divorce my wife as soon as possible? How is it possible for us to get married in Islam way? what are the proper steps and procedures to follow?
    Thank you very much for anybody who can help me answer the questions in mind by Allah's grace!
    Salam Alaikoom Warahmatullah Wabarakatu!

    • Salam,
      Brother you can marry her the Islamic way, but don't you think it will be better if she divorces first? Just to reduce complications. You should consider your current wife. She has your baby in her womb. Who will be there when the baby is born? You must consider them both. It wouldn't be right to just leave her for the other woman with the only reason that you just fell in love with the other. You can marry 4 woman at the same time in Islam though, but only if you can treat them kindly, provide them equally with their wants and needs. I don't know how that will work for you though. One or both may not agree. Here's marriage in the Islam way. Look at this brother:
      This is more of both Islamic families of the groom and bride, but you can still have a celebration party if you want. Mainly all you need to do is 2 muslim male witness, a legal guardian to represent the bride (I'm not sure how that applies if her family isn't Muslim though), and a Muslim judge or Imam. Go see an Imam at a mosque if there is one near you and he will help you for sure! May Allah guide you through the right path and help you, and bestow you happiness. Salam, Muslimah

      • Muslimah,
        Thank you very much for your reply! Baarak Allah Lak!
        I pray that Allah will guide me and show me the perfect way...
        Salam Alaikoom Warahmatullah Wabarakatu!

  8. mustafa the only onething that iwant u 2 do have 2 confamed if she is dvs to that man then u have to marry her at them together with the present one treat them equally .dont maltreat the one dat u have a baby with her.thank you may Allah show u the right path Amen.

  9. Salam sister,
    first and foremost May Allah (SBT) forgive you for the huge sin you have committed and turn your bad deeds into good deeds, ameen. Sister just recently I have been through a similar situation as you. I too committed the horrendous act of fornication and the guy with whom the act was committed with, left me when I got my family involved for marriage. I asked him to take a stand for me infront of his family & marry me but he left me when it came time to commit. Not a single day passes by where I do not regret and repent to Allah (SBT) for I have realized my sin. When Allah (SBT) forbids us from the intermingling between male and female, there is a huge reason behind it, but unfortunately we are so absorbed into the lifestyle that Shaitaan has put forth for us, because it seems so pleasurable and appealing, only for a limited time that we jump straight onto his path, forgetting what our All Mighty Creater has told us to follow.
    Sister, I want you to firstly understand one thing, which I can sense you have. You have committed a grave sin, so therefore you must regret it from the bottom of your heart and promise never to turn to that henious path again. Pray salat 5 times, pray tahajud if you can, make lots of tauba, make duaa to Allah (SBT) to forgive you (InshAllah!). Secondly, you need to understand one thing. This hardship you are undergoing can be a result of 2 things: 1.) punishment for the grave sin you have committed or 2.) test from Allah (SBT) to see how strong your emaan is in HIM. You have to put your FAITH in HIM. Let me ask you one thing sister, the amount of unconditional love you have for this guy does he have the same for you? He is not able to trust you due to 2 reasons: 1.) Because you have committed Zina with him, he doubts that you can do it with another guy also. 2.) Shaitaan is most happy when he creates fasaad and fitnah between a husband and wife (in your case, your to be husband) causing them to divorce. At the moment, your fiance is in the complete trap of Shaitaan and he is whispering the worst possible scnearios about you to him. He is weakening him from inside and it's working. Sister let me tell you one thing. From what I have read, you are extremly scared that you have committed Zina with him and you cannot do this with anyone else because you are no more a virgin and this can cause huge problems in your future. Sister, I too like you did not bleed and was acussed by my ex that I was not a virgin, even though I placed my hand on the Quraan to prove to him that I was. You see this guy has no trust in you so there is no point of even marrying him. For medical purposes, MANY women do not bleed, that does not mean they are NOT virgins. It is it the sick mentality of this society that inflicts so much pain on innocent women who have no control over this aspect of their body. Sister, do not marry him and get divorced because you are making fun of Allah's scared union and bond: marriage/ nikkah. If he does not trust you and you have asked Allah for forgiveness then you must let him do. Do not play with your life like that. From what I see it as, you are on the path to pleasing shaitaan. By marrying him, then getting divorced, you will only inflict more pain and miseary to your life and up coming future. If he doesnt trust you, he IS NOT worth you and INSHALLAH Allah will show this guy the truth and that day he will realize what injustice he has done to you. BUT, you need to close this chapter of your life. Get your elders involved, BE HONEST (that is the best policy) and forget this guy. You will never remain happy with him because he does not trust you and without trust there is no love sister.
    And remember one thing, if you sincerely repent Allah (SBT) will forgive you and you will inshAllah find a pious and loving husband who will trust you. You do not have to confess your sin to him as you have asked Allah (SBT) for forgiveness and he is the concealer of all sins. What has happened in the past has happened. The first time you had sex you did not bleed for medical purposes so think about it this way, even if you did not commit zina with this guy and got married and did not bleed you would tell your husband that you are a virgin. That is what you need to do this time also. You have realized your sin, you must repent and never commit this henious act again until you marry and then this act will become halal and enjoyable for you. Please sister, leave this guy. I do not think you will ever be happy if you walk this path and definetly do not marry him and get divorced. Your life is precious and beautiful, do not make a joke out of it!

    May Allah make this time easy for you and help you overcome your pain and miseary, ameen.
    Your sister in Islam,

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