Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My friend is not a virgin anymore, how should I react?

Two Muslim girls.

My friend has strayed from the straight path...

Salam Aleykum everyone

First I want to apologize for my bad english, I live in France so...

I've always been the type of person who is very open-minded, I never jugde my fellow muslims friends even if they did the worse sins. I try to be in people's shoes, and I know that the consequences of a sin are not easy to face ! So that's why I never jugde anyone by their sins. Because people can repent and Allah is merciful.

Now I want to get to the story, my friend has a relationship with this guy, and it is a very serious one. I think I never saw such a strong relationship. I'm a young girl who does not seek marriage for now (I want to study first) so usually when my friends talk to me about their boyfriends or love or even marriage I (100%) always roll my eyes haha. But for my friend, I did not because they have a very strong relationship... And he is not muslim. I thought that it would be temporary so I did not make any comment.

So lets get to the story (please read it and be patient because I need advice !) :

She goes to his place from time to time and she usually tells me what they did, the first time they were about to "do it" she told him to stop. I was eased and told her that even if she did it I would not judge her or break our friendship because of that. So after this she went to his place a few times. I didnt questionned her a lot, because I thought she would not cross the limits.

For a week she didn't called me and briefly send texts, so I didn't mind. Today I finally went shopping with her and she told me what happened this week and why she did not really contacted me.

Her aunt found out about their relationship. How ? Because for several months, my friend looked very sad and anxious in front of everyone including her family, and her aunt thought that the only source of the problem would be a boy. Of course she was right. So my friend told her the entire story about her relationship with a non muslim guy. Her aunt KINDLY tried to tell her that it would not go further because the guy is not a muslim. She tried to open the girl's eyes. (Fortunately because I couldn't do it myself) And that's why she did not call me for during this entire week, because both my friend and the guy kept crying and crying about their futur... And she showed me their texts and I can asure you that they are deeply in love... I was so SAD for both of them ! I feel like she has been unhappy since she's been with that guy. It is not the guy's fault !!!! but their relationship obviously can't work that's why they are both so miserable...

Next I tried to comfort her as much as I could. then several minutes later she tells me that there was something else ... and I immediatly asked if she had slept with him. (I'm quite good at deductions, it is hard to hide something from me) She told me she did, and the next question was if she had her periods or not, and she did so I was relieved. I did not asked her how and why she did it. I did not wanted to know. She told me it went so "naturally" and I just can't imagine that and I stopped her because I did not wanted to get into the details. When it comes to non muslim friends I don't mind at all but when it comes to muslims I just can't because it is a private thing.

Anyways, she said she regret it and she asked me what she should say to her future husband if he asked about her virginity. Because she bled. And I don't know the answer to this because I've never been married nor did I lost my virginity. Ok so what's the problem with ME ? I just can't realise that my friend is not a virgin anymore, and it scares me, I'm just scared to do the same one day ... To me having sex is a HUGE step and thinking that my friend crossed it is just to weird ... And I did not asked her if she was going to have sex again, I just couldn't ! Because I feel like the answer is going to be YES, and I'm not ready for it... Again talking intercourses with muslims feel so weird because it is a private thing.

The "advantage" if you can call it this way... Is that I don't want to have sex anymore, because for a year I had this sexual urge and her reveal put me off of this.

So yes I'm scared to do the same and I'm scared that she is going to tell me more about her intercourse... I'm just ANXIOUS for me and for her future !


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10 Responses »

  1. First of all, if you're friend is truly regretful and repentant then you should stay with her as a friend and ask her to change her ways permanently never go down this dark road again.

    As for yourself, the most difficult way to avoid this topic is by constantly talking, thinking or asking about it. The less you speak of it, the less you think of it, the less temptation you will have to sin. There is always temptation to sin, but it is it a test and you must overcome it.

    You should see now the hurt and pain this zina has cause your friend. We have all seen it, so use this as a lesson. Do not be tempted otherwise you may suffer with the guilt the rest of your life.

    I always say to people I know, if you are tempted and commit sin, you won't sleep peaefully at night. But the man who leads an honest life, doesn't indulge into sins and even if he struggles to get food on the table for his family, he will sleep peacefully.

    You are already thinking and so is your friend, what will happen if the husband finds out, there is a chance he may, do you want to have the same feelings?

    It's not worth it, no matter how tempting the sin, it's simply not worth it.

  2. Salam sister Bizzy

    I was so sad and angry to read this story.

    I was angry with YOU in the first place.
    Your good friend and sister is confused and at the verge of doing the haram, and you say "I told her that even if she did it I would not judge her or break our friendship because of that"...
    You made look like a light thing.. when all she needed was some strong wakeup call .. I am not What type of friend are you Bizzy.. don't you feel bad about it ... what is your understanding of friendship and sisterhood in Islam.!!! have fun and joke around and be cool.. .. what will you tell her if she told you she is playing with dangerous stuff and thinking of suicide.. " I will not judge you, if you kill yourself "!! ( it might not be the best analogy, but you get the picture)

    and it really bothers me you didnt feel sorry for your friend. and now you ask "How should I react ?"
    I cannot really understand, how much do u REALLY care for her.?? If I were in her shoes, maybe i will never talk to you again. I will cut you off and cut off that guy for good.

    I am sorry for sounding harsh , but i guess you needed to get your sense back.
    Friendship where you sisters do not help each other be good muslimah is the first thing you will regret in the day of judgment

    Quran , Surah 25:27
    And the Day the wrongdoer will bite on his hands [in regret] he will say, "Oh, I wish I had taken with the Messenger a way. (27)
    Oh, woe to me! I wish I had not taken that one as a friend (28)

    First go and do alot of istighfar. Yes you...
    You had a chance to save your sister, and you in a way wanted to look cool and just did't bother.

    Rectify this by encouraging her to repent from this heinous shameful act. Open her eyes that this temporary world and the little haram enjoyment it does't really worth the sin. Be a real sister for her , and tell her to be the same for you

    May Allah guide us all in his path

    • I agree with you but sometimes we say such things to our friends because we think they have brains enough not to take such drastic measures. I was stuck with my friend in a similiar situation and said the same thing. Although now when I think about it I shouldn't have. The point is that at the moment it's really hard to say something harsh to your friend. So I really don't blame her.

      • Yes I do understand what you say, but its not the Islam way to see the wrong and keep quiet..

        What bothers me is that this sister knew her poor friend had reached the level of going to his place, and she even told her that they were about to "do it" one time, ad it did't ring any alarms in her head.... Her friend was clearly confused, trapped and drowning and needed a caring helping hand, she was the only one who could have helped ...In the Hadith , the prophet SAW said “Allah is helping the servant as long as the servant is helping his brother.” .... instead of helping, she just preferred to listen to the haram romantic stories and say cool comments to comfort the girl ...

        if this poor girl was her younger sibling or her daughter don't you think she would have acted in an radically different way about it.

        And now after the girl has committed this heinous sin, she asks "How i react".. like she wants someone to tell her keep away from this sinful girl, you angle.

        Sisterhood in Islam is not something to be taken lightly, It is sisterhood until Jannah and much more deeper and sincere than what we see in this particular example, weak relationship and some lip service.
        You cannot watch your sister falling for shaytaan and let her down. A day will come when this will be very much regretted.

      • "sisterhood in islam "

        Thanks for sister seema siddiqui she has pretty much summed it up in this beautiful clip about "sisterhood in islam "

  3. Salaam sister Bizzy I agree with comments left by brother John regarding your story. I would have said the same. But I want to add this to you if you really care for your friend then you would want for her what you would want for yourself a saying in islam. So if you really care for your friend and save her from hell fire then it's never too late till death overtakes. So give your friend some Nasiha (advice) and save yourselves. A marriage out of commiting zina will never be recognised by Allah and she will continue sinning till death. It's an act disliked by Allah. So tell your friends to cut off all ties with this non muslim man no matter how much she loves him and he loves her otherwise it may be too late.

    I can see you have concern for your friend which is good but you need to do more as a friend to help her and not leave her as this is the time when she's most vulnerable. I hope that helps you to act. Allah is testing us but we must not bow down to evil shaitan as he will always be our enemy wheras Allah is the most merciful of his servant and wants us to repent to him and save our souls by turning away from shaitan and his waswasa (whispers).


  4. Assalamo walikum sister bizzy
    Plz don't think wrong of your friend. Yes she have made this huge sin but you need to help her from not continuing zina. As you have described about her boyfriend and how they are in love and if you ignore this situation, you might be punish by Allah. Pleasing Allah is not only thinking about yourself and staying in path of halal but to help other Muslim brothers and sisters from following wrong path. I understand that you are scare and you might feel your friend will gave you lust idea in your head. but I think you need to understand how much she needs you right now. she is more scare and more pain than you can imagine. am sure part of her feel ashamed and just don't want to live anymore due to guilt. and I know she can't tell her family nor can marry this guy. am sure she feels all doors are closed and only door is open is friendship. plz don't close that door on her. if you help her then you will learn as well that you shouldnt commit zina. zina comes with HUGE guilt and difficulty within oneself. Look at this way, If you help your friend with this problem then Allah will be happy at you and will reward you more than you can imagine.

    Hope this helps
    May Allah protect you and your friend!

  5. OP: She told me it went so "naturally" and I just can't imagine that and I stopped her because I did not wanted to get into the details. When it comes to non Muslim friends I don't mind at all but when it comes to Muslims I just can't because it is a private thing...The "advantage" if you can call it this way... Is that I don't want to have sex anymore, because for a year I had this sexual urge and her reveal put me off of this......So yes I'm scared to do the same and I'm scared that she is going to tell me more about her intercourse..

    What exactly is your question?

  6. it is shameful and sinful act

    "The "advantage" if you can call it this way... Is that I don't want to have sex anymore, because for a year I had this sexual urge and her reveal put me off of this."
    you were planning to have intercourse?. you did nt advise your friend, you took it lightly. now her life has been destroyed there is risk if the other man would accept her as a wife in the future or not.

    now your question how should a person react you didn't guide her in any means. so how should you react? i didn't get your point of asking such question or may be you want to reveal her sins to others.
    from my point of view you are not her friend but enemy.

  7. ALLAH I AM GOing to get punished by my dad i didn't know what virgin means so i searched it up now my dad going to know and will slap me he always checks my history what should i do?

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