Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My future mother-in-law refuses to initiate relations in an acceptable manner

Jealousy, the green eyed monsterAssalamu alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

This post is about living with my future mother-in-law (MIL) after marriage. I think my future MIL is insecure about our marriage. I have noticed some things, which I am going to write it down here.

My family members: Father, mother, me (age 24) and my younger sister (middle schooler).

His family members: Father, mother, him (age 25) and his younger sister (high schooler).

Before I write anything, I am going to say that I am not a fan of love marriage. Actually, I hated the idea, but after meeting him, my way of thinking changed. This is my first relationship. My future husband and I met 2 years ago on our school campus (he has now graduated and has a good job), and we started to get to know each other from then.

After some months, we decided to get married. His family knew about me from the start and they were positive about us. The problem was my family--they are not into this love marriage idea. With many, many conversations, I was nevertheless able to convince them. Soon I will be graduating, and we will get married Insha Allah.

One more thing before I continue: In his family, his mom rules and his dad is like a statue.

My future husband had a girlfriend before. I was on his social media page one day and happened to see a conversation with his friend about his ex and his mom. In that chat, he said to his friend that sometimes his mom says to him, "I am not pretty like your girlfriend (current ex)."  After reading this I was questioning if this type of behavior is okay? Comparing yourself with your son's girlfriend?

His mother was not very welcoming towards me. I heard she is an introvert, but even I am introverted! From the start, she tells her son that I should go meet her! That I should go to her area and contact her through phone or social media. The thing is...they live far away! If I went to her area, I would have had to lie to my parents because at that time, they didn't knew about us. She tells her son "tell your girlfriend to talk with me, tell your girlfriend to make a bond with me."

But I wanted our marriage to happen through parents! Which means, my parents will talk with his and his parents will talk with mine. I did not want to talk with them before my parents had done so. Otherwise, my parents will be sad thinking that "our daughter do not need us anymore, she is marrying by her own." I clearly explained this matter to him, but he still sometimes would tell me to meet his mom. I was like, if she is so curious about me then come visit me! I am ready to talk with her. By this I can at least tell my parents it’s not me who contacted or created the bond first. So that they won't be upset. Also, I think she (MIL) is the elder one and her son is marrying so she should talk first.

In the process of knowing each other, his mom illogically misbehaved with my father but my father still forgave her (let me tell you one thing, they are less financially stable than us). My future husband was by her side even though her misbehavior was irrational. It’s not like she misbehaved with me or something--rather she is sweet with me when she and I talk, so I don't understand her behavior. She (MIL) is more like "you (me) are going to come and live with me (MIL), so you need to try to make a bond with me (MIL) first!"

By the way, I will live separately and I have clearly told this to my future husband! At first, he was trying to convince me to live with his family, but in the end, he gave in. He told this to his mom about it and she hated the idea so much that she started crying.

When I told him to bring a proposal to my family about marriage, as we were ready, his mom reacted weirdly, saying " I am not ready yet! They are going to take my son away!" Is this type of behavior, okay?

My future husband says he values justice more than bond but sometimes he does not understand what is logical and illogical. So, he ends up supporting his mom. He loves his mom and sister very much. I am worried that if something irrational happens between me and his family, he might end up supporting them. Which I cannot accept. By the way, his little sister is also possessive about him! But even so, she still his sister came first to talk with me through social media. That was sweet of her.

Are these comments from future MIL acceptable in Islam? Can anyone tell me whether, if I decide to live in joint family (which my future husband strongly suggests) after marriage, will there be any problem in future? I want to see him happy and also do not want any problem. Because I cannot forgive someone easily that is why I am a little confused. I am asking on this website because non-Islamic sites do not know about Islamic culture, so their answers are not enough.

Thank you very much.

Hana

 

 


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2 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaykum Sister Hana,

    It does sound like his mother is somewhat possessive of her son and maybe even wants to be the sole woman in his son's life. She needs to let go and realize that her job was to make her son an independent man. By wanting to bypass the channel of meeting with your parents, she may be "procrastinating" on the whole marriage altogether. However, I don't think you should worry too much about your parents thinking you don't "need" them either. Because similarly, they also need to allow you to be the adult that you are.

    It seems like there is some codependency going on where people "need to be needed," which actually not healthy. Remember that Allah is the one that all of you should have the most regard for. I would pray a 2-rakah prayer and ask Allah to guide you to whether or not you should meet with your future husband's mother. Perhaps you could tell your parents that you are doing so, so that they will still feel included. Stress to them that his mother is a bit insecure and may be shy of meeting with them initially, but that she will meet later.

    Allah will ease your affairs as you take action, so make those small conversations and keep life moving!

    Hugs,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

    • Red Flags
      - His mom is possessive and dad is a statue
      - Doesn’t want to meet your parents..”I am not ready yet, they are going to take my son away”
      - Your boyfriend is not fond of living independently, rather have his mommy at his side. Not a real man.

      This mother in law will always be ruling your marriage and never let go of his son. Even if you live independently. He will try to convince you to live as joint family…don’t!! He will give you a false promise, we’ll move out at this time frame. If you do agree do write it out on marriage contract.

      He sounds like a mama’s boy. He grew up learning that it’s ok for his mom and sister to be possessive. Your worries are valid, he will never take your side. You need a man! Not someone who will go to his mom for everything.

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