Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband and his family have treated me badly

Muslim woman praying, saying dua' in Masjid

salaam,

i really would appreciate some help. i'm in a difficult situation with my marriage. i've been married for a year, he was introduced through some family friends. he had been in usa for 8 years and me or my family did not know his family personally or him. so we all took time to know him and his family who were all in india. within a year we all decided to get married. we conducted the marriage here in usa. my family loved him, he seemed like he would be the perfect husband and perfect son for my parents. he helped my family in every way. also i was suffering with ms and he really helped me with everything (he moved in with me and family after marriage). i was very happy with him so were my family and my extended family. whoever met him would say i was lucky to have a husband who takes such good care of me. nobody had any problems with him. me and my parents would speak to his family regularly on the phone to india and his parents seemed so nice as well. i started thinking i was so lucky to have such a nice family.

so after the marriage i applied for his visa for him to remain in the usa. meanwhile i went to india to meet his family as his family were insisting so much they wanted to meet me. they also wanted me to come as they felt like i can find a cure to my ms in india. they mentioned a few places for treatment to me too.

when i got to india at first they seemed nice. my husband had only one sister who wasnt married. as time went on i wanted to start getting ny treatment done however they were showing no interest. when i asked about the hospitals they mentioned they would make excuses like the doctor isn't here. so after a month they still didn't take me anywhere and i figured they were not gonna help me.

i started seeing this side to them that i didnt expect. my husbands sister woukd always give me horrible comments and so would my mother in law. they would make me feel like i don't fit into the family. my sister in law would do things purposely to annoy me like turn the air con off at night or take my phone. my mother in law and sister in law would start saying if u couldnt get treated in usa u wont be able to get help here where as they are the ones who convinced me they woukd take me to get treatment in india. and keep tellin me i'm not dressed appropriately however i would always be wearing traditional shalwa kameez with a hijab on my head. i just ignored everything. and told my husband about everything. he said to me that his family are behaving wrong and they shouldnt treat me like this. and he said if he would have been there he would have surely helped me.

meanwhile my husband received his visa and decided to come to india. i was very happy to see him after 2 long months of wait. i noticed something very strange when he was around me someone in his family would always disturb us. they would constantly call him and take him away from me. we couldn't even have a half an hour comverstaion without being disturbed. even at night his dad would say he wants to sleep next to him and take him away from me.

all his nights were now spent with his mum sister and father. he would sit with them all night and go out with his father during the day. i was barely getting any time with him. i felt like we were getting distanced.

now even my husband didn't have time for me or for my treatment that he had promised. so i decided to visit my aunty and uncle who lived in the next village. i took my husband permission and in laws and left. they said they would help me with my treatment and they started making an effort to take me to various hospitals.

two week had passed whilst i was with my aunty and uncle. after calls and texts to him he was talking to me but as though he was forced. he didn't even mention that he would come and take me home or he wanted to see me. he would just always tell me how busy he was. then he also started blaming me for his family's previous behaviour and said i was in the wrong. i wondered why he started talking about all this when i had already discussed this previously.

once when he called my uncle and started swearing saying who gives you the right to take my wife to hospital or take care of her, etc and he swore at my uncle and aunty very badly and threatened them he will come and drag me out of their house and keep me with him. he also mentioned to them he will not allow me to go back to usa and he will keep me here forcefully.

i was so shocked at his behaviour i couldn't belive my ears. i tried speaking to his parents about his behaviour and they said there was nothing wrong with his behaviour.

i couldnt see how my lovely husband could speak like that with that threatening behaviour. i tried speaking to him but he kept ignoring my calls and texts completely. also i cant understand why his parents are not telling him off or helping us.

it has been one month now and his family are not answering my calls and nor is he. my family have tried aswell but nobody is responding. it has been two weeks since i returned to usa. after his threatening behaviour i had to return as he said he would come and take me away forcfilly.

i cant understand what i did wrong. he was happy about me going to my auntys house to start the treatment. but now he is not at all talkung to me.

he also called my parents and swore at them very badly the same day he spoke to my uncle. im so heartbroken and upset as my parents treated him like a son and did their best for him.

i dont know where this marriage is going and what can i do. i keep trying to call him so he's switched his phone off now and his family won't talk to me or my family. i dont know what to do now

he never mentioned to me that he would want to sertle in india.  but he said he wanted to settle in india to my uncle and wants me to stay with him too and if i don't he will forcefully take me. thats y i came bk to usa. before he came to india we had made plans of moving out of my parents home and moving into our own home and start living together.

he's so changed after that day, i don't see him the way i used to. but i feel like nothing will be the same either i feel like his family weren't happy with us being married and they played a part to cause this between us. i can't believe he disrespected my family. and he hasnt returned from india, he says he will not return. he never mentioned to me ever about settling in india. till this day he hasn't asked forgiveness and nor has his family. how can this marriage work? would a divorce be right? or how long should i wait till i think about divorce?

wifeinstruggle

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10 Responses »

  1. Salam alaikum dear sister,

    His family sounds very disrespectful, and he sounds like a very easily manipulated man. There are many things wrong with this situation. The biggest is that you are suffering from a disease and no one from his side is willing to help you, nor is he willing to help you after meeting with his family.

    It sounds like if he is willing to come back to USA then things might be able to work out, as there would be a huge amount of distance between him and his dreadful family. Or if he prefers India, then you must demand to live in a far off city from his family. But because he is not answering your calls, then you must wait. Pray istakhara and leave the situation to Allah swt and see what happens. Next time he contacts you, just remember to keep a cool head and think before you speak. Sometimes kindness goes much further than nagging or yelling. If compromises must be made, then insist that you are staying away from his family because of their behavior. If he does contact you, and the bad behavior continues for more than 6 months to a year, and he is not supporting you -- then think about divorce. Also, if his family is telling him to divorce, then pray istikhara, consult your family and talk to an imam before giving any answer.

    Hope I could help you sister,
    Shereen

  2. Sister ,

    This sound like one more story where his family is trying to break this marriage .
    There is some problem with Indian mentality regarding similar cases .

    A son is always kind of pressurized from parents .Most of men act immaturely just to prove their parents that they are with them by disrespecting wife ,treating badly or acting like not bothering about in laws etc etc .. I think by this negative act towards their in laws they are proving to their parents that they are with them . It seems your husband is caught in this type of situation .

    Also as he was staying with your family in USA they might have taunted him with various words

    With taunts like "Slave of wife" etc etc some of parents provoke them to act negatively towards wife .This is bad but there is some reality in this part of world .

    .

    Unfortunately most of parents and sons don't know where to draw a line .

    I suggest you to keep calm ,just wait for some time and if he comes back to USA its good then better shift to new house with husband as that will give him some good feel .

    But if he doesn't change for a long time then i think you can think about some harsh decision ..

  3. yes divorce ,,as soon as possible..and get along with ur life and stay happy u will find a nice person inshallah who will love u n respect u..no one can live with such a person who is not man of words ..and always doubious...marriage is based on mutual love respect n faith. ..dont waste ur time any more on this man..

  4. Sister,

    He sounds Like a very suspicious person to be around and it seems you have not spend much time with him.

    People show you who they are the first time, then believe them.....don't expect him to change and suddenly become a nice husband again. Your lovely husband was nice to woe you and make you marry him, but his family is behaving towards you is their true self and he is behaving like his true self.

    Drop him like a hot potato my dear. Don't give people who play with you a chance. If he doesn't want to communicate, and you can't agree on where you are going to live....I dont really know if this constitutes a marriage anyway?

    Send him divorce papers and go on your way my dear, don't waste your time. People put up facades to get married, or maybe he was forced to get married to you to come to the us.

    Anyways, it's your decision, but this seems very suspicious.

  5. I am sure he wants US citizenship which may have residency requirement that means he has to live in USA for certain period of time. If he got temporary green card, he may need you to file papers after 2 years. Don't go back to live in India. I have a feeling he married you to get his green card. If things don't work out inform immigration to cancel his green card. Keep line of communication open.

  6. salaam, thank u all so much for ur advice its been a long time and he has not co tacted me still. when he was living in my house me or my family never made him feel it isnt his house. we all gave him very good treatment and even he used to say hes so lucky to have us with him. the in laws have passed a message to one of their family members to pass onto us which is that if we want everything ok then my parents should send me to india and for me to stay there forever. i cant stay in india forever. and how can i stay with a family like that. they want me to live with the family. i cant do that. they used to make me feel so stressed and my health isnt that good either. no one in his house is even supporting me. i am strongly thinking about a divorce now. i feel ao upset that his family havnt called me once or nor has he in all this time. and their message was that we will not contact us or reply to our calls as silence is better. how is it better when things are only getting worse.

  7. i am also starting to belive that he married me just for a visa and all that love he showed me before was a pretence just because he wanted his citezenship. he is still in india and i dont think he will change as he has so much ego he couldnt even apolagise for his behaviour and i think his parents are supporting him for doing wrong and they arnt helping him as they have refused conact with me or my family.at this stage i have contacted immigration ans told them to cancel the visa as we are seperated and not living together. so he wont be able to come bk to usa with that visa he had. and i think i may be sending divorce papers as they are not sorry nor are his family. they are all so stubborn and have so much ego in them its either their way or nothing.

    • Good job sister. I am glad you cancelled his visa, and are sending divorce papers.

      I am sorry things didn't work out, but inshallah there is someone better for you.

  8. u know i honestly tried my best i really wanted everything to work out. even with his family treating me bad i used to ifnore it and still show them love. but i dont understand why he married me if he was gona become like this? why did he ans his family show me false promises? and how can i ever trust. man again? n what will his family gain out of ignoring me? or what is he gaining? what are they expecting me to do if tbey dont answer my calls?

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