Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband and in-laws abuse me

couple in islam, woman in islam

Assalamualaikum...

I am 23yrs old. I got married 3yrs back. It was an arranged marriage. Immediately after my marriage my in-laws started insulting me that I am not good enough for my husband in spite of the fact that they themselves have selected me as a bride for their son. They always taunted me that my parents did not give them expensive gifts and all. My in-laws interfere in all the matters even private matters between me and my husband like having sexual intercourse. My mother-in-law insults me if I have sexual intercourse with my husband. She orders me not to have intercourse with my husband frequently. She says having sex is my only interest and am not good at anything else. I feel so badly hurt.

My husband knows all this. Even then he does not stop them from saying or doing anything to me. My hubby was fine during first 2 months of the marriage. After that he too started saying that I am not beautiful enough and started blaming me and my family.

By then I had conceived. During 3rd month of my pregnancy my hubby started saying that he will get the baby aborted and will divorce me. I cried, I pleaded and begged him not to say such things. But he kept on saying such terrible things. My mother-in-law knew what her son was saying and doing. Instead of guiding her son in right path she blamed me and told me to get additional dowry from my parents to please him. Which I did not do as I knew my parents could not afford that. This made them even angrier and my life even more miserable.

When I could not tolerate all this anymore I informed my parent how my in-laws were treating me. By then I was 5 months pregnant. My parents came to question them that it was not the right way to treat a wife and a pregnant woman. They fought with my parents and broke all relations with my family.

I continued living miserably at my in-laws place. Due to all this physical and mental torture I had preterm delivery and I lost my baby. My mother in-law blames me that I killed my baby to fulfill my sexual desires by having sexual intercourse with my husband. My husband also treats me very badly. He insults me, abuses me, says all bad things about me and my parents. He abuses my parents. Just to hurt me he goes to any extent and says anything like blaming me of having sexual relations with other men. He makes me feel like dirt.

Once in a while he behaves in a good manner also, but cannot say when he will change his behaviour towards me again. He takes all the precautions so that I do not conceive again. My mother-in-law tells me to my face that they don't want my children. I am deprived of my right to motherhood also. They don't let me speak with my parents. They make me alone do all the household work. Nobody helps me. They always taunt me and insult me.

I lost all my self respect and dignity. I lost interest in life. The only reason I am still alive is because Islam does not permit suicide. I have tolerated all this for these many years just for my husband because I love him. But now I can not tolerate anymore. I feel suffocated. I feel that I can not stay in this relationship anymore. But I am afraid if I take divorce I might displease Allah and the thought of leaving my husband also hurts me. Please help me, I am in dire need of advice.

sanakhan13

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16 Responses »

  1. Divorce him. Your situation will only get worse with time. Divorce is halal and permitted in Islam.

  2. Astaghfirullah! This is horrible sister! You have every right to get out of this horrible situation. The first thing you need to do is go to your parent's house. Yes you do love your husband but sister he is not worth it. I am so sorry that you lost your baby. Why does your mother in law even know about the frequency of intimate relationship between u and ur husband? This is ridiculous. Sister, get out of this situation imagine if u did have tht baby with this man how would u feel? U would feel more stuck. Go to your parents and then wait for your inlaws to react. This is just wrong.

    • May Allah swt ease your suffering and create a beautiful escape from this situation. May allah swt end this trial and give you your reward. Ameen.

  3. I cant believe your husband is allowing all of this to happen. What did your mother in law would think happen after the marriage not have sex. She soon would be complaining if it didn't happen is she for real seriously. This woman needs to get her head checked. As for the son he needs to be a man and face up to his responsibilities. I would leave him and go to my parents and let him come running. You shouldn't have to deal with this I am sorry for your lost and this is not your fault. Your in your right to conceive this is halaal for you they are totally in the wrong may Allah asks them on the judgement day when they burn in hell fire.

  4. Why do so many women who write here seem to think that asking for a divorce is displeasing to Allah? Allah made divorce permissible to women and even gave the divorced women rights over her ex-husband, for example to money to support any children they have together. Allah does not want us to be miserable in this life, nor does it please Him for His creation to be oppressed by others. If you are unhappy in the marriage for whatever reason, and you have made a sincere effort to save the narrative and failed, you have EVERY RIGHT to seek a divorce. In a case like yours, where you are being abused by your husband, it is imperative that you leave his house and seek divorce immediately. Your situation does not please Allah sister. Allah does not want his servants to be doormats to people, especially not people like your in-laws who have no idea about Islamic values and Islamic behavior. Get out of that house and get rid of this man and his disgusting family! May Allah give you strength and help you!

    • Seriously divorce is permitted and There are many examples of women and men divorcing in the seerah. It's because you shouldn't be in a miserable relationship. It's not like the things you wrote are trivial. These are BIG problems. I don't think anyone on this site will advice you not to divorce. Get out now!!!

  5. asalamu aleikum
    sister Allah dont accept such injustice.ask for talak to save yourself dear .what amazes me the most is this issue of man receiving dowry from the bride side or did i get that wrong someone correct me.if at all this is what is happening then this is not islamic at all sister you have a right to be given mahr not your family to add dowry.having pleasure with your hubby is your right shame on them for doing all injustice to you.sister if he is man enough ask him to rent separate house for you.if he cant sis no option than talak
    again u are not their maid for them to order you around defend your soul and invove all local imams around you.
    may Allah open away out for you dear
    aameen

  6. Sister ,

    Your husband and mother in law are horrible people .How can even think about aborting a baby ?

    Take divorce and kick them out of your life .

  7. Sister, pack your bags. Walk through the door, and leave them and never come back. NOW!

    If they stop you feel free to call the police. Or scream really really really loud so that someone hears you.

    Don't let anyone treat you badly. You deserve better.

    Please leave, call your parents as soon as possible, use the neighbours phone if you have to, but talk to someone you trust.

  8. I think your in laws are mentally unwell, and it's disturbing that the mother in law is keeping tabs on how often your having sex with your husband, that's revolting !!! Also it's frightening that your own husband wanted an abortion and is now depriving you of motherhood. Move away from him, there's absolutely nothing redeemable. Their torturing and abusing you -move to safety and break off all contact !!!

  9. were same situation my dear, u living same country? i mean your near to your parents? go to your parent maash'Allah your lucky unlike me dont have parents to help me out of here, i have 1 son and were living to their country i need plane to go back to my country. ofcourse i cant leave my son no matter what happen... be strong this kind of battle being a muslim women is jihad insh'Allah. always make dua my dear.May Allah help you

  10. Assalam alaikum,

    Unfortunately, I am not surprised by your post at all. I have people in my family who are in the same shoes as you. I'm guessing you are probably from the Indian subcontinent and if we knew that, it may be helpful in advising you.

    1. Your in-laws have no respect for you and they never will. You can try to "teach" them or have "patience", whatever that means in a situation like this, but they have been indoctrinated to see you as a free maid--in fact, worse than that, you actually have to pay THEM to stay in their house with dowry and lavish gifts. In their mind, they have done a HUGE favor to you by allowing you to be married to their son. It's an ugly view of the world and you need to hear this so that you can start healing yourself.

    2. For people who hold views like your family, there are no boundaries and everything is game. They can interfere in your intimate life and even look down upon you if you walk around the house with your hair wet they will assume that it is because you did ghusl, and therefore, were intimate with their son. From there, they will make remarks regarding what "kind" of woman you are and as you mentioned, will even tell you when you should be intimate with your husband. Why is that? You can't think about this with a reasonable mind--rather you have to understand, it is all about control. Of course, your MIL doesn't want you to frequently be intimate with your husband, because she doesn't want him to be happy with you and she doesn't want a bond to form between the both of you. And, I would even go so far to say that there is a sick kind of jealousness that some of these mothers can have to the point that they compete with with their DIL to get their son's attention--it isn't reasonable or understandable, it is sickening.

    3. I know that you think your husband was good and suddenly turned bad after two months, but I want to assure you that nothing like that is true. Basically the novelty of a newly married couple wore off, he didn't have the maturity to know what it is marriage--but what I fear the most, is that your husband seems to lack fear of Allah swt. May Allah forgive me to say such words, especially if I am wrong, but I don't understand how a God-Fearing man could possibly utter the things your husband says or treat you the way he does. He doesn't even seem to have respect for himself--for if he sleeps with you, but is careful to not impregnate you, he doesn't value the very person that he uses to fulfill his sexual desires. I am sorry, but that is unacceptable.

    4. Your husband doesn't want to have a child with you and chances are, if he does, and it is not a boy, you may end up being a single mother OR if he has a boy, he may divorce you and keep your son. I have seen this over and over again in situations described exactly like yours.

    5. I know you can't believe that your husband didn't care when you were pleading with him and that your mother did nothing to discourage him, but that is because you actually believe they are good people just somehow acting bad. Listen Sister, he doesn't care that you are crying, begging, or pleading. He is using your body, using your family and using you. In fact, it wouldn't matter how his family treats you, if he himself had an ounce of good in him, but rather, he not only allows you to be mistreated, but joins in on it too. I am afraid that your hopes are in the wrong place.

    6. Your marriage is not about increasing your love and improving your relationship with Allah swt, instead, it is a money-making business about dowry and gaining assets through expensive gifts. I mean, why would a man beg his wife's family for money? It is utterly ridiculous. But some Muslims in the world practice this Hindu practice of expecting dowry from the brides family and follow other customs that are completely unIslamic. Of course you are miserable--you are forfeiting your rights. You have to realize that you are worthy.

    7. First your in-laws and husband didn't want you to have a baby and even abort the one that you were carrying--but when you lost the baby you did conceive, you were then blamed. The general theme here is to do whatever will make you miserable and ensure you have not no worth, but actually negative worth. Please read that one more time. How could a man want for his own child to be aborted? We are Muslims, this is wrong Sister. You, along with an innocent life were/are in danger. I know that I would not want to be in this position or want to put myself in that position again. Right now this is about getting you to safety, but later, it could be about an innocent life too.

    8. You have probably heard of the cycle of abuse--and even part of that cycle is a reoccurring honeymoon period after there is an explosion of all the tension building up. His good manners once in a while are not indicative of how wonderful he is, but rather, that he is abusive and just following a typical pattern of abuse.

    9. All of these things are so very easy for me to say and I get that. I know that you are stuck between a hard place and a rock. But sometimes, even when both of those are bad, one is actually better. Even though, if you remove yourself from this man and seek safety for yourself, you may struggle with remarrying or even missing him, meanwhile, you may end up getting yourself self worth and self respect back. Those are valuable things. We need them. We need to love ourself and feel valued.

    The way you are living just isn't right. Even being alone would be better than to be tortured this way. Not being able to be a mother, used for intimacy but carefully so that pregnancy won't occur even though you want that, put down in every way shape or form, and then asked for more dowry...this isn't right. None of this is normal and you are clearly in an abusive relationship from what you have described.

    Though we can not speak on behalf of Allah swt and what would make Him displeased or pleased from a small description--because He is All-Knowing, and we are nothing--I can say that your worry of "displeasing" Allah swt does not mean that you should accept being abused, used, mistreated. There is nothing that you could find to justify this treatment.

    Clearly, you can see from the comments above that staying in this situation, as is, is not recommended at all.

    May Allah swt ease your pain, help you through this time and give you patience, strength and guidance, Ameen.

  11. Sister I been through this and men like this never change is not u that's the problem is the people abusing u and I promise u Allah will deal with them.
    U need to start focusing on u start praying and focusing on yourself leave go to your parents divorce him u don't want to spend your life with someone like this I did I'm telling you is not worth it because they won't change remember Allah loves u he's the most kind and merciful Allah would never want bad for us is as human that do injustice to ourselves Allah is the most loving ya wadudu so why should we be sad? He loves u and is putting u through this trail u can find a better husband I promise u who will love u take care of u respect u u are worth more than this Allah wants good for you that's why he's putting you through this trail if u need any help don't hesitate to contact me sister

  12. Assalam alaikum
    Sister when i read you story i get so angy at these people, leave them they are a useless and the worst of creations in the world. Your mother in law sounds like a old dog barking the day. Maybe she wants new stations the TV or something. Your husban is Not good enough for u or any female. You are still young leave him now and Allah will open the doors for you
    Ameen!

  13. Wa'alaykum assalaam dear sister.....

    May Allah truly reward you for your patience. ... but for what reason would you believe that Allah would want you to stay in such a heartbreaking marriage and live under such a cruel family! Dear sister, know for sure that this is not Islam! Islam came to free us, to give us women our rights. We have the right and freedom to choose the man we wish to marry but also have the right to leave a marriage where our rights are not being met. This for the woman is to either ask for divorce, but if you fear abuse then better to not ask for divorce but seek outside help for your safety and get a Khula (female version of divorce).

    Yes divorce is discouraged but NOT FORBIDDEN. Divorce is at times a mercy from Allah in cases where the marriage is not working, and especially when anyone involved is suffering such abuse. Dear sister, do not suffer in silence and all alone subhan'Allah. It really hurts me to read that you think you have to live this way. You don't! Allah has tested you whit this trial, this problem but He has also given you the solution to your problems in the sunnah of our Beloved prophet SAW and the noble quran.

    I would advise you to seek help from someone close that you trust. If there is no one then go see an imam AS SOON AS POSSIBLE and get out of this abusive house. The learned imam, maulana, sheikh will advise you on what to do, if there is anyway of getting counselling and saving your marriage, then they will help you but it sounds like you are living in a very bad house and whether they will change only Allah knows. Allah does not permit for us to live under a home where we are to be abused. This is the great misconception that people have today. This is why people think Muslim women are oppressed and have no rights. Some cultures treat daughter in law like absolute rubbish, and call this Islam. This is not Islam sister.

    Did out belover prophet ever raise his voice let alone place a hand on his wives? Did the mother in laws abuse and mid treat their daughter in laws? Certainly not!

    Make dua sister Allah will make a way out for you. You are a beautiful muslimah, Allah has an amazing plan for you. Just trust Allah and seek His help. Don't suffer alone.

    What will your life be like when you children, or daughters? Trust me sister I grew up in a home where my father was very abusive. Although I never suffered his abuse, seeing him treat my mother in such a way has affected me as an adult. My mum only stayed with him because she loved him and to protect us from growing up without him. This has done us no good sister. We have all his terrible traits ... can this man really look after you and your children? Do you want your boys to grow up like him? And your in laws? How are they going to treat your daughters???? Pray istikhara sister and of course I don't want to pressure you, it's your decision but you must look after yourself and do what is for your safety.

    ISLAM DOES NOT PERMIT ABUSE!!!!

    May Allah grant you the strength and ease to get through this and do the right thing. Ameeeen

  14. What a terrible life you will have if you stay. Your husband and his family are evil.

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