Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband and in-laws are still treating me badly…

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

salaam im in a situation right now and i dont know where to turn for help. i would appreciate some good advice. sorry this is a bit long but i have to tell the full story.

i wrote a post in sept 2015... (Here)

now after 3 and a half months we started having some contact, he finally switched his phone back after months. and of course it was me who made the first move, i sent many messages on his fathers, mothers, uncles, aunties phones which he finally responded to months later.

whilst we were speaking ( but not properly about 5-10 mins once after a few days)he still told me he has no intention of returning and he still wanted me to come to india to live with his family. however i could not at all agree.

i kept on trying for all these months because i thought maybe i should give him one more chance.
because we did have some good times before.( i also prayed istikhara quiet a lot but i didnt feel like i received any sign)

he had a lot of arrogance when he used to speak to me (i had already sent for the khula, it was after that we first spoke) it had been about a month. he just kept blaming me as to why i sent that. when he had not contacted with me for 3 and a half months he could not see that him ignoring me for months was wrong. he just felt i should of waited for him. despite numerous calls and texts to his family members before he did not respond.

one day he said he wants to come back for me but i was so confused as the day before he said to me that he won't come back and he's settled well and doing well in his family business. so that was of course a shock.

i thought maybe he's realised so i should give him another chance. he returned a month after our phone calls had started.

when he came back he came back to my parents home. (i had taken back the khulla once he hd returned) my parents and i questioned him what was all that behaviour in india about. he kept saying he doesn't know why it happened and he's confused himself. and he just apologised without explaining.

it has now been 6 months he's been back but till this day he cannot give me an explanation as to why his family and he behaved in that manner. i questioned how he could swear at my family he just would reply i don't know why.

my parents and i also questioned his family, their response was also the same that we don't know and lets forget the past. when i said to them that how could my husband swear at my relatives and parents, i didnt think he was this ill mannered. they replied he's a child and forget what happened. i even apologised sevral times to his parents even though i didnt do anything wrong but i thought i should still do so. they did not apologise for their behaviour or their sons. all they kept saying was we dont know why it happened amd forget everything.

anyways now its been 6 months he's back and he keeps saying he's got so many problems in life, every other day he keeps complaining saying life is too hard here.he has said to me many times he wants to go back for visiting purposes.

another thing hes said to me a few times is that it isnt his country and india is his country and i say to him what do u keep saying this as you chose to be here with me then he says hes helpless and has no choice but to stay in the usa.

im so confused when he says this to me. as he has been in the usa with his own will and i did not once force him to return amd it was purely his decision to come back.so i say to him why did u return then and u should of remained in india but then he refuses to talk about it any further. this annnoys me a lot as we both had a choice to marry each other and despite this he makes me feel like he doesnt want to be here.

im afraid as i dont understand what his true intentions are. and why he returned to me if he makes me feel like he doesnt want to be in here.im
scared as i think if he goes india he will repeat the same thing and become the same. my parents don't take any money from him, they pay for the bills, the mortgage and all the food and things in the house. they have never expected him to give any money nor asked. my mother and me cook for him, we wash his clothes for him. (i'm not well most of the time therefore my mum helps)even most of my expenses my parents pay for them. my parents have told him to save his money.

despite all of this he's always annoyed and keeps talking about pakistan. he keeps saying life is too hard here it's so much easier in india. i dont understand why he came here in the first place and then did nikah with me.

when i question him what's his worries and problems he never shares them and responds you dont need to worry about them.he keeps his nuclear family matters very discreet and he does not communicate with my extended family if they are at home ans tends to go straight up to his room if they come.

i said to him i'm your wife i have full right of knowing anything that is bothering you. but he just won't listen.

when we were talking once and i asked him for example you sent money to india several times but for whom was it for, he starts saying i made a mistake sending money i can't send money for my fam, however im just asking for whom he sent it to and i dont have any problems if he's sending money to his parents.

whenever we have issues its always like this. if i am asking him about something he starts talking completly off topic. he keeps saying leave me leave me. divorce me over petty things he keeps saying this and it hurts a lot, i cry a lot.

i am a very unwell woman who spends most of the time at hospital visits or my bed. he is sometimes supportive regarding my health, he often takes me to doctors and suggests things that may help.

but i feel like he's not grateful for what my parents are doing for him amd i feel like he's keeping secrets from me but i don't know why.

he's never discussing our future about moving out or anything or just even general things about our future.

he's broken my and my family's trust after what he done. but we decided to start again but now i always fear about my future as hes made it clear hes helplessly staying in the usa. everytime he mentions india i also get worried.-.

since he's returned his family have very little contact with me. they don't call for months. my relationship with them isn't the same. i have called them a few times but it seems like they don't want to talk.

however they were the ones who said leave everything aside and start all over again. even they don't call my parents. i was in hospital for 3 weeks and they didnt speak to me once in that time.

i just don't know why they have become so cold hearted and what do they all really want. when my husband came back i thought everything would be okay but i dont know what to do.

i pray to allah swt to make it easier for me,to give me shifah or make me stronger. life is already so hard and i know its a test but i keep stressing due to my husband.

hes turned this marriage into a joke. i hate it when he talks to me like.go find someone else or leave me over petty things. i just cry and cry myself to sleep sometimes due to my bodily pain and sometimes because of his beaviour.

please brothers can you explain why my husband behaves like this.
is it a normal part of marriage?

and sisters please help
me too any advice would be appreciated.

wifeinstruggle

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4 Responses »

  1. ASA Sister.

    I read your old post completely and this one too. Couple questions:

    1 - Do you have life insurance and if yes is he the beneficiary? This might give some clue.
    2 - When you canceled his visa, how come he was able to come back. Did he ask for you to let him in oryou did that on your part. I am trying to understand where his original naturalization stands. This might also give some clue.

    If money and US naturalization is not the intent then it seems like the case of you being from two different cultures having hard time to compromise one way or the other. You have seen what his world in India looks like where you might be forced to live. He has seen your world. One is not willing to live in to the world of other. I dont know what to tell you besides that ... Divorce is very painful thing although lots of sisters on these forums propose it without giving the pain and grief some thought. If you feel you can live without him it might be the best choice but before than get answers to above questions, and be brave.

    Good luck!

    • salam sister thanks for your post.. i sent a letter for the cancellation of the visa however a few months later i realised that this was never received by the authorities and in fact his visa didnt get cancelled and no i dont have life inaurance. i got in contact with him.. i kept calling i thought i woukd give him another chance. it was after that he returned. but he disagreed and agreed himself at no point did i force him ro return.

  2. Assalam walekum sister,

    May Allah provide you a better health and make you physically and mentally stronger... As far as your problem is.. this is hapenning in every other house in Indian family.. and when it comes to muslim it gets worst. After reading your story I can predict one thing that your husband is hiding something in his mind. Something has surely happened maybe in USA or India in your absence and thats the reason he kept changing his decision.. As far as divorce is concerned I would suggest you to do a background check which you and your family should have done before marriage... anyways now its time to for a proper background check of your husband and in laws as this will help to get all the questions answered. Also do not take any hard and fast decision with a confused mind. I think your in laws have maybe done some brainwash on your husband when you were at your uncle's house and he got diverted for some time.. but later he may have realized his mistakes. Usually men do not have the tendency to appoligise and accept their mistakes but they try to solve the issues and close those topics.

    Also after knowing that he stays with your family and do not try to help you financially and also you people are so sweet that you dont even expect money or anything else with him then I want to ask you a question--- WHY?

    Is this what Allah has taught us to do such things.. Is this what Islam says for men. No right. Then why you people are supporting him and why not he can carry his own expence. No offence but he should have a self respect. And the second problem is people like you.. Yes sweet and innocent people like you and your family who allows and let anyone come and ruin your life whenever you want.. I am sorry to say sister but dont you and your parents know that In Islam it is so necessary to first do a background check of the spouce and family before marriage... And this is not just the father's or the mother's responsibility but it's yours too.

    Anyways.. Now we cannot change the past but all I can say is that show some courage in front of your husband and in laws and never appologise for the things that you have not done..Never.. Because we are not suppose to fear anyone except Allah. Ask your husband to help you mentally and financially and if he refuses then ask him the reason for it. And also if he was not capable to take care of you then why the hell did he marry you. Sorry for the word. But that is what I would also say upfront. Have faith in Allah and only in him.. dont expect from people who do not understand your value. Dont call them always on your own. Let they call you and approach you and if they dont need so then take whatever decision your hearts says but keeping your self esteem always high.

    • salaam tbank you for your comment. the reason my parents do not take anytgubg from him is beacuse tbey want him to save up as much as he can so this can help mine and his future. but your eight sister these days when you do good for someone they dont appreciate it at all..

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