My husband beats me
Salam Alaikoum,
I have been married for 3 years now and my husband has a temper problem, he hit me the first week we got married it was in a car. Then he did it a couple times after that. But just recently he has gotten much better he tries to control his anger as much as possible and tells me when I tell you to leave me alone just leave me alone. I know myself and my temper.
Sometimes I sit and want to talk to him about whats wrong with him (work,etc) But he just says he's in a bad mood and to leave him alone. Sometimes I don't, I just keep asking him whats wrong and I guess I keep pushing his buttons you could say. Sometimes when we argue I bring up my ex fiance' and tell him that he treated me better than this. I think that really bothers him a lot.
But just recently we got into a big arguement because he says I disrespect him and I need to treat him better which he means sometimes I don't serve his tea as hot as he wants it, or don't clean the house a certain way he wants it. So I let it all go and try my best to do what he likes. But yet still he still gets angry and mad with me.
I try to sit and talk with him about the situation but he says talk is cheap, he likes to see action. So we never get to really talking. He has been ignoring me for the past few days and sleeping on the couch. Then I couldn't take it anymore and I was like "How long is this going to last can we please talk..." And i kept asking him and hes like just leave me alone when I feel like talking to you I will, 'this is my right' he said. Then I kept saying I just want to talk to you, please listen to me please and he kept saying 'just leave me alone just leave me alone' and then he got really angry and got up real close to my face and yelled "I told you to leave me alone!!!!!" Then i got scared and I slapped him.
After that he started beating me and beating, me grabbing my hair throwing me to the ground kicking me with his shoes in my ribs and back and kicking and kicking and pushing. At one point he said what do you want from me, I'm trying my all for you and started crying. After all that was over he tried to talk to me and said you have to leave, I can't live like this, I don't need this kind of life, its not healthy and then he was like when I tell you to leave me alone just leave me alone.
He has not had the best family growing up, his parents are divorced but living together. They use to hit and beat each other, he used to be involved in drugs etc and then finally woke up and brought Allah into his life hamdillah, he prays 5 times a day all, he eats is halal, he does his best to live the halal life. I can't deny that but I just do not know where to go from here. Am i the problem? I don't know!...Should I stay or leave. How should I solve this? What should I do? I feel so sad and empty, I don't want to tell anybody even though my family knew the first time he hit me but then we just let that go. He was doing so good until this time.
I just need help I can't take this anymore, I really can't. I just want help. I pray and ask Allah for guidance. Please somebody out there with the right knowledge and answer please help me.
JazkAllah Khairon
- muslimah101
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Salaam Alaikum - I pray for Allah to give you guidance and shelter. You do not deserve to be treated like this and should not stand for it any longer. Your happiness and self respect is way more important - please get out of this situation as soon as possible. The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) never laid a hand on any of his wives as he was a compassionate and caring man. What your husband is doing to you is unislamic and you should not stand for it a minute longer. There are domestic violence counselors and shelters out there that can help you. There are even domestic violence centers that cater to muslim women. Please, I pray to Allah (s.w.t.) that you find the help you need and get out of this horrible situation. This is not your fault, as he has personal issues and struggles that he needs to work out separately. Please free yourself from this man.
As salamu alaykum,
He just told you, leave him, this situation is unhealthy for both of you. You should look for help, you are damaging each other, please, don´t get used to this, look for a solution with counselors, there is well prepared people that can help both of you to get out of that suffering.
Please, do it, today better than tomorrow. Don´t look for excuses in the past or family or whatever, look at your now and act consequently. Please, look for help, ask for help to qualified people. Better now than later.
Have Allah(swt) in your Heart as much as you can.
My Unconditional Love and Respect,
María
salaam sister. Im sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing. Your husband seems to have some past issues. But that doesnt excuse the way he is treating you - as layla said - noone deserves to be treated this way. I agree its not safe for you - and you need to get yourself out of this situation as soon as possible. Not straight away - you need to make arrangements first (for accomadation etc) so that you can leave. Look for a domestic shelter or call a helpline (im not sure if u live in the uk but theres a line you can call in the uk.)
In the meantime while you are making these arrangements - stay out of your husbands way. Dont make him angry - leave him alone just as he asks and dont tell him about your arrangements/ plans of leaving. Disconnect from him, dont question him etc. This is not to be deceitful - its for your own protection. And ask Allah swt to help you through this, turn to Him - do tahajjud. Apologies I couldnt offer more advice, InshAllah some readers/editors will offer additional advice.
I pray that Allah helps you out of your situation my dear sister.
i dnt like when u all advice to divorce. i can see there a problem in her husband so why dnt we just help her to make him better. i find his husband as a good person, he found the right path even though he has broken family. he tries..
muslimah101 dnt leave him.. he needs you. orelse he might go into drugs again. treat him and his anger. i think instead of helping him u r disturbing him. dnt take me wrong. you have to understand him and his anger and treat him good.
may allah bless him and you.
jannath, that is awful advice. How can you understand someone when you are on the ground and he is kicking you in the side like a dog? He could have broken her ribs, pierced her lungs, even killed her. This is not Islam, not love, not marriage. It is simply abuse.
If a husband has a bad temper and sometimes shouts or curses, then maybe that can be dealt with through counseling. But when he is beating and injuring his wife, there is no tolerance. You cannot talk to someone who responds with fists. It does not work. And for a woman to live in fear and misery in her own home is intolerable.
She says that she needs help and she can't take it anymore, and your advice is just to stay put and take it? Sister, no one can change anyone else. A human being has to change himself. If he is not capable or ready of changing himself, then no one can do it for him.
As Layla said, the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) was the most gentle with his wives. He was our example. He showed us the right way to live and we should not accept anything less than his good example.
muslimah101, I fully agree with Layla, Maria and SRMuslimah. This situation is unbearable and you must get out right away. And as SRMuslimah said, until you do so try to avoid confrontation with him, and do not tell him of your plans, for your own safety.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor