Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband can’t accept the past… My life is falling apart…

Pregnant woman depressed

Salam brothers and sisters,

One year ago I married arab guy, I am european, both of us muslims, but we had sex before marriage. He had with many girls and I had with a boyfriend that I had for a long time in my life.

When I met my husband he never said that he is unhappy with the fact that I am not a virgin, and we did have sex before marriage with me. We talked about it one day, and he said that he can't forget that fact that I am not a virgin, that is bothering him so much, but at the same time he loves me... We had an argument, after that we decided to get married.

To make everything right, we started to pray, open a new page in life and repent our sins. That's what happened, we don't drink, we pray, we are married, everything seems perfect, I got pregnant, we are so happy.

But every month or 2 it happens that he is depressed, just like that. He sees something related to virginity, a movie or something that reminds him that I had a man before him and he becomes depressed, silent, distanced, sometimes for a week or sometimes for a few days. Then I am crying, I am unhappy, even though he says everything is ok, I know it's not and I hate when he is like this. He doesn't want to touch me or kiss me. Then again after few days he becomes normal and he is again loving and perfect husband to me, he is kissing me, telling me how much he loves me, he is caring for me!

We are going in this circle for whole year, the worst thing is that I am pregnant now, and it happens to him again. He was depressed and I was pressing him to tell me what is wrong with him, he was saying nothing, everything is ok. But after 2 days and many asking from my side he said it is that thing again. That he can't forget that I slept with another man before him, that he is not ready to be a dad now, that everything happened too soon and fast, that he is not satisfied, and he hates the fact that I had this guy in my life before him.

He said terrible things. That maybe I could have some disease from that guy because I slept with him, that he is scared how will I raise our daughter... ..All of those things he told me now. I was shocked. And then after all he said that he can't live without me, he loves me, that's why it hurts him, that I am perfect wife who is caring for him, for our house, that I am perfect in everything. But just this thing is killing him. That maybe we need a break. So if I want to go to my home country and deliver there alone with my parents and then come back to him?! Then after all he said he loves me and he wants me to be happy!

He still hasn't went to my home country because he said he is afraid that he will see him (my ex boyfriend) and he will kill him.

I found out that he was searching for his profile on facebook to se his picture (my ex boyfriend's picture). He has serious problems and I am scared what to do. He doesn't respect me when he starts to talk like this, or my family or my country.

And before he said all of this it seemed everything is perfect, he is caring loving, I have normal life, I have friends, he is not possessive or jealous, he seems perfect husband until he said all of this things!

He said he wouldn't have told me this thing if I wasn't asking him for 100 times what's wrong with him. He said I should just leave him in peace for 2 days as before and then he would get over it and again we would be happy. But this is happening every month or 2 that he is depressed. Beside that we are so happy when he is ok, he is caring loving supportive that I felt that I am happiest girl in this world.

What should I do? Leave him be when he is depressed and not ask him, and live a life like that.. Hoping that one day he will forget?

Or leave him and divorce him? Btw we married on sharia law, I don't know anything about what my rights might be, and I am alone in this country as he is also, we don't have our families here. We live in an arab country.

I am so alone and I am not working currently which makes me depending on him. May Allah swtw forgive me all my sins and give us peace, I can't live like this!
Please help!


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17 Responses »

  1. Remind him of how many girls he slept with before marrying you, and ask how he will raise a daughter then? Virginity is not just for a woman it applies to beth sexes equally.height of hypocrisy.

  2. U need to stay with him, honestly he will get over it! It will just take some time. Make plenty of dua to Allah for him to get over it. Try to go for conselling if the Arab country provides it. If not just always re assure him u love him and be an extremely good wife to him. If it still doesn't work just say look we both had partners previously and just try and make it work

  3. Dear sister,
    I know it's hard for him to forget and he should also understand that he also did the same mistake.
    Sister make dua to Allah . Ask for forgiveness to the Almighty Allah. When our sins increase our life gets impacted. Don't worry do wudhu and perform salah and make dua to Allah to forgive your sins and your husband's sins. And ask Lord of the worlds to make your relation stronger.
    He knows what's in our hearts.
    The problems arouse when we are unable to convince our partners. Firstly pay five times namaz and read Quran.
    When your husband is feeling OK go to him hold his hands and ask him to forget everything. Tell him that he is the only one with whom you want to spend your whole life till the last breath.
    Tell him that you want to enter paradise with him. You will do everything what makes him feel good. . tell him that you will keep yourself away from ghair mehram.
    Make him feel that you will always be a good wife and a mother.
    Sister be on Taqwah it is the only solution .
    Do not use social media sites as these are a fitnah.
    Make him feel special.
    InshaAllah you will get a positive result.
    May Allah forgive us all. . .

  4. Salam sister

    You have to be strong enough to speak up, let him know how many girls he had before with and also what he did in his past. The rules apply for men also he can't etc away with the sins he did just cuz he is a man. Speak up clear things out he is your husband he should be understanding and get over with it one time instead of having to talk about it every 2 months and DONT LEAVE HIM ALONE TALK WITH HIM ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER AND HOW YOU GUYS ARE GONNA RAISR HER . Tell him he is wrong. We love each other that should matter. Sister I strongly suggest you to pray your salad beg Allah for his love and blessing In'sha'allah you will be fine just pray and ask for forgiveness

  5. peace be upon you sister
    dear tell him no one is perfect all of us are sinners but the best of sinners are those who repent.tell him to err is human to forgive is divine let him stop acting like a saint he has to let go the past and focuss on future.he has his faults as well but you choose to overlook simply becoz u want future with him.sis kids are blessing i realy wish he could thank Allah for the blessing rather than complaining.he has to change for both of you and the innocent soul inside of you.tell him Allahs timing is always the best and kids come with their blessings. i dont see any reason for him to send you home he has to stand by you through thick and thin may Allah soften his heart and may he help you both to overcome this predicament.
    dear life is full of hilter skelter we got to put our trust in Allah pray hard ,you know Allah is greater than our problems. and thank Allah that all we face in this world has asolution and with time alls gonna be well unlike in the hereafter where problems are terrifying and without the mercy of Allah we are doomed may Allah save us in both worlds

    may you be blessed now and forever dear sister in islam

  6. Yeah just remind h of all the girls he slept with

  7. Normally, before marriage the bride and groom should discuss the dark sides about their past. If they don't then it makes problems in future. Try to make your husband - it is your past. Your present is him. He will understand . If he doesn't - then i don't find any other way. You have to rethink about your marriage, Are you ready to live the rest of your life with a person who is not living in your present because of your past ?

  8. Is your husband an angel? A human perfect from all sins for all his life? I don't think so... If not....then he needs to stop mopping around and get over himself. Remind him that he is not Gabriel sent from the sky either.

    Leave him be for those 2 days, he can cry and be upset about it. Say that the past is gone and that you are now married and let him cry himself a river. Just stop asking him what's wrong and go on doing your duties. Let him know you are there to talk to him when he is ready to chat.

    Really, he is a grown man, and needs to face reality...if he can't get over it then why is he still with you?

  9. And....dear he was not a virgin either when you got married because he had sex with that makes both of non virgins..really. So what's his problem?

  10. 1-Increase your fasting days, whether past fard or nawafil fasts.
    "Weaken shaytan by fasting", Prophet s.a.w.s. has said.

    2-Find a widow raising children or an old man/woman and give them food (especially meat or expensive food) at least once a week. I've tried it myself, it works alhamdulilah. Sadaqqa puts out Allah's wrath/anger.

    3-Pray all the fard salahs with your husband as an imaam when at home. If you do good things together, your love for each other will increase in sha Allah. And visit the mosque more frequently.

    4-Read some Quran parts on water and give him to drink when this happens. In sha Allah you will see good results.

    5-Remind him that honest women are for honest men and vice versa. He was not chaste when he met you. Saying that men can perform zina while women cannot, is jahhilyyah thinking.

    6-In case you didn't know, if you commit zina with a person, then you cannot marry that person unless he has repented from zina. So you both need to repent from the zina you have committed with each other BEFORE marrying each other. If you married after committing zina together, without having repented from this zina, then your marriage is not valid, did you know that? (Ask a scholar about this, not the one of your nearest mosque, of course). If necessary, repeat the marriage.

    7-Strengthen your family ties by calling more your relatives, helping them out or even sending them money. And send some money to your parents, if possible. Do good to your parents (and his parents, if possible) and you will get great reward in sha Allah.

    8- Pray tahajjood (night prayer in the last 1/3rd of the night).

    A scholar once said:
    "If you don't ask for something in your night prayer, then you don't really want that thing!"

    Finally, sister, do not expect to resolve your problem by relying on your or his logical reasoning or love etc. Rely on Allah, He is more than enough for you.

    It's clear that this is shaytan coming between you.
    And you may have bad eye.

  11. Salam sister,

    Hang in there, it will pass! before I got married my husband and I had terrible argument about my past as I had a couple of boyfriends. But now, 3 years on her never mention it again! I was standing my ground with him as he also had girlfriends and told him to do be a hypocrite. he needs his time to deal with it when he takes his couple of days, my advice to you: LET HIM be sad, depressed! he is dealing with the situation his way. So be patient and as long as he comes back to you after his couple of days of retreat, then it's fine. Man deal with their feelings in a different way. My hubby even told me at first, I wish I meet you 10 years ago, lol.

    Be strong.

  12. just let him be when he is depressed. dont ask again and again.

    men struggle more than women about pasts strangely even if thier past was full of sins.

    dont go away for child birth. he is the father and he should be there. he may have bonding acceptance issues with this child later.

    when a woman is pregnant this possessive nature becomes more pronounced.

    make dua and just drop the topic completely . instead change the topic to something nice.

    lesson learned --- never tell about your past to the man you are married to. for this very reason. a sin that Allah kept a veil on, just let it be that way.

  13. Im not sure if it's a little late. But im in almost the same situation as your husband but not yet married. I'm very afraid of becoming like him in the future with my current girlfriend who I love more than life. We are not married yet but we plan soon and I do sometimes get depressed about her past, which was also with 1 boyfriend. I tried to tell her how I feel and that there will be problems in the future, but she loves me too much and says she is willing to go through anything for me. Im lucky and I have a her as gift in life that I can't fully enjoy. What usually changes my mood is when she starts to tell me words about her love for me, or hugs me, or tries to be funny. I do feel everything is moving to fast like what your husband said, also I am worried about diseases we also had that argument. I would suggest not leaving him since you are already pregnant, because im 100% sure he's like that because hes loves you more than anything.. it's whats driving him crazy. Beg Allah for help, believe me. Allah always helps us in ways we could have never imagined. Take care.

    • King1234,

      you are not yet married, and these thoughts are already consuming you to an extect you dont want her to show u love affection. its not fair to you or your gf for you to get married and carry these feeling into married life as marriage is not a magic soltuion if you do not resolve the issue in hand as this will just resurface. if she has been loyal to you, treats you nicely, you are compatible and wants to get married, let the past be the past. she may have repented and god has forgiven her. if allah has forgiven her yet you in your heart cannot, its not right to keep her for yourself. if you say you love her more than life, you have to let this issue go otherwise it will never work. also you didnt mention about your past, if you have made mistakes, or been in relationships, your way of thinking is unfair.

      • Hello FriendG,

        Well about my past I had sexual intercourse once, but my girlfriend was in a relationship for a long period. Maybe thats why its bothering me. And now our relationship is very open and yes i know its a sin and wrong but we sleep together. We are compatible, and I will marry her, but her past hurts me and at the same time. She knows it and we dont want to leave each other for it. She believes we can overcome anything, but for me, I guess I will have to deal with it.

        Thank you.



  15. salam tell him it is Allah who gave you to him. He was also committing zina so he wouldnt get a virgin woman. And everything happens for a reason. Allah gave you to marry each other cause that way you will learn from each other. The virginity thing is sickening. What if he married a widowed or a woman already got married? Be confident and trust Allah. And do not be afraid to give space for him and yourself. Just be a good woman (coz Allah sees what you do, and you dont need to convince your husband.all the time. Coz man if you always put your level down to what they want you to feel, lose the challenge so they get depressed, especially he is not also perfect. Tell him nobody is perfect. Make him think if he didnt marry you, who he would have married?)and just remind him of his past too, so he will wake up to the reality.

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