Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband cheats on me repeatedly

Missing husband, absent husband, man with suitcase at airport

Assalamualaikum,

I request a sincere and genuine advice especially from my muslim sisters and elder people about my marriage life.

I've been married for more than 10yrs and I have three children. Time and again my husband has been cheating on me. I literally hate these women who indulge in all such things. He likes all kinds of dirty talk, video chatting, online dating websites and porn. He stays abroad in a gulf country and I wonder how he finds all kind of websites.

Earlier when I used to keep a track on him, he promised he would not do it and just that it's timepass and he loves me a lot. I would be at my mothers place after delivery and he will continue talking to some of his ex gf's. I used to work in call center (night shift) when he didn't work for more than 3 years, and even then he would continue on phones. He's always had more than 2 sim cards.

I had forgiven him so many times but now, when he came for a visit home, I find so many chats and id's created on every chatting app and dating sites that too with his original photo. When I read the chats he asks for their numbers. Many of them are there with their dirty pictures in his fb id and to my surprise he has more than two fb id's. One for the ex gf's, where he dedicates songs and sends them greetings. And when I ask why I wasn't sent any of the greetings or good night and good morning messages he says he doesn't have to send me.

When I ask him why he does this all asking to meet those women he first said it's my friend who uses my mobile. I just couldn't believe it. Then he said its just timepass, I just love you and only you!(whereas ours was a love marriage). I just felt so heart broken after all this he still says I love you so much you will never understand it.

I just couldn't take it anymore. It really hurts when a loyal woman gets all this in return. Especially when she is looking after his old and sick parents, his children and his household and completely binding herself in a true relation with her husband. Sometimes I just question myself is this what being loyal gets you???

I just don't like this kind of his acts. If I ask him why he has been searching for his ex gfs online and why sending those messages and why dirty chatting with them he replies ask yourself - why would I have done that?

And the greatest part that hurt me the most is last year he had a great argument with me blaming me that I might have an affair just because of that I am not talking to him much on phone. Whereas I've been looking after his sick father and three small children. This also made me so disturbed for such a long time. I just can't get over it.

Will he ever change? Or I have to just go on dragging my life forgiving him with a stone on my heart and a little insecurity that he might do it again??? I loved him so much but after all this... I can't !!! I just don't know what to do - I get worried about the children.

lifeishard555

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4 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    Your husband is choosing his behaviour which he is addicted to and his unrelenting behaviour and attitude towards doing nothing about it means that no matter how much you want to improve the marriage that will not compel him to change. Change in your husband will either be inspired by a miracle, which rarely happens, OR by drastic changes in his life which he would want to prevent--like you separating.

    If you choose to stay in hopes of a miracle, you will sorely be dissappointed, not to mention exposing yourself to possible STI (sexually transmitted diseases). If you choose to stay with eyes wide open knowing the full reality of the situation, for the sake of your children, for the sake of his family, for the sake of be a sacrificial lamb, for the sake of holding on for society--then do so for those reasons, but know this: Your children will suffer even though you may keep it together for them in a strange way--they know what is happening and they will learn that this is normal. So, if you decide to stay, I would not suggest that you stay with the pretext that everything will work out in the end, as it won't.

    If you choose to not stay but can't seem to find a good enough reason--ask yourself why you don't feel yourself worthy of being treated better or even being alone with not being treated this way? If it is too much for you to end your marriage but you want to save it, then ask for a seperation during which your husband can really reflect on what he needs to do--it will let him evaluate what is important to him, because by staying, he knows he has nothing to lose.

    Furthermore, you write:

    "And the greatest part that hurt me the most is last year he had a great argument with me blaming me that I might have an affair just because of that I am not talking to him much on phone. Whereas I've been looking after his sick father and three small children. This also made me so disturbed for such a long time. I just can't get over it."

    So, in order to keep you just where he needs you (taking care of his family and children) while he jumps around with woman after woman, he then accuses you of the very thing he is doing because he knows that it is going to hurt you and it did and it worked. Now, if you take a stand, he will make you feel his claim was justified and that your reason for separation isn't him, but it is your desire for freedom from him. He has written the perfect story for justifying all of his actions.

    So Sister, either you know that you are right or you don't. If you know and you are in no doubt, then take the necessary steps to save yourself, your children from more heartache and pain--even if you want to give this marriage another try--you must put some conditions down (counselling, seperation, a combinationg of these, involve elders, etc), rather than being stepped on continuously.

    May Allah swt ease your pain, help you to have courage and strength for your sake and your children's sake, Ameen.

  2. Salaam sister,
    I agree with sister saba.
    From what you have written your husband does not respect you because your letting him walk all over you. He continues to cheat on you repetitively because he doesn't appreciate you nor value you. He is taking you for granted because no matter what he does your still good to him and his family - he's getting the best of both worlds.

    I have been through the same painful torment of a husband who cheated on me and then placed the blame on me, he manipulated the situation until everyone including myself somehow felt that i was in the wrong, that it was all my fault. It's only recently I have realised that he was in the wrong, that it was all his fault, he had poor morals - there is no excuse for cheating, but I still have this over whelming urge to try to make the marriage work. I think your in a similar mindset - you know how wrong your husband is and how disrespectful his behaviour Is yet your letting him get away with it because you love him and want the marriage to work, especially for your children.

    The truth is though, that reading this as a neutral outsider, i can clearly see that your husband has major issues. His behaviour is sinful and he doesn't seem to feel any remorse for it. The main reason is that he is getting away with it, and doesn't take you seriously. He knows that no matter what he does you will always be there for him. Your not going anywhere. I must commend you for your patience - but if you want things to change you need to now take control of the situation and show him your self worth.

    I have to agree with sister Saba and advise you to separate and get your elders involved in this matter, but before you do this, silently gather information that you can present to him and others as proof - eg text messages/phone records/emails etc, so that he can't lie his way out of it.

    You need to show him your strength, and demand respect from him. This will probably have some effect on the children but you need to set a good example.

    Also, why is he staying abroad? He needs to be with you and his family - that's the whole point of marriage. If he is not able to change his job then he needs to take you with him. Your not there to take care of his parents, although it's a rewarding thing to do, but your role is as his wife - you need to be with your husband. All this time he spends away gives him the freedom and time to mess around with other women.

    Anyway, stand up for yourself and your rights as his wife. Stop letting him hurt you and show some self respect. Separate and give him an ultimatum - if he truly loves you and wants to save the marriage then he needs to stop talking to women and messing around. His focus needs to be 100% on you!

    May Allah swt guide your husband and block him from cheating on you. May He fill your husbands heart with remorse for his behaviour and love towards you. Ameen.

  3. Also what on earth does he mean by time pass??? Passing time doesn't give you an open ticket to cheat on your wife! If he has so much spare time he needs to find a better halal hobby! Eg sports/reading/DIY - whatever takes his fancy. I actually feel really angry that he gave you such a pathetic and stupid excuse for his sinful behavioir.if he can become upset with you based on just a suspicioun that your having an affair then you have every right to be upset and seperate from him based on his repetitively disgusting behavior.

  4. In this case of husband cheating and all the comments to the sister to leave
    How does one get a Talaq because the husband is not going to give in
    Shukran
    z

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