Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is only concerned about his rights

broken heart, hurt heart,

Asalaam Alaikum all,

Auzu Billahi Minashaitani Ragim Bismillahi Rahmani Raheem,                                            

I love my husband to death, despite all the evil things he's done to me, he is very ignorant, arrogant, violent, dirty mouth(swears like no tomorrow, abusive, he has a hard heart, it is all about him, no one else in this world, he didn´t listen to his dad or brother, let alone my parents. It is all about what he wants ´Husband´s rights in Islam only´. Never considers me and has a blind eye and heart to wife´s rights. When I try to explain how a problem or a fight started and what happened to eventually say ´Ouch´or defend myself, or swear back but just because he continuously swears at me and my family and snaps it all the time, even if he is wrong and before knowing something he attacks me.  He doesn't let me explain and he's so shifty he makes me to be the guilty one, he blames everything he has started and has done on me. He only see's himself in this world, he is the King, and a women should prostrate to her husband if it was allowed in Islam after God. That's what he repeats.

I'm so hurt, I was brainwashed in to believing that I disrespect him and I am not good to him, I would always apologize for even just saying "ouch" but he never has the heart or mind to apologize for the extreme things he has done and started.

I became extremely good to him and his family I got out of my way, because defending myself would be very bad, so I stopped that and even if they attacked me for anything I would "kiss their feet" not literally but my reaction was so nice that I would just do a whole heap of goodness and favours for them. Just so that I would know for sure that I am not in wrong. But i was brainwashed.

No matter how good and nice I am. After all I am a human so when someone pushes me physically or verbally or emotionally abusing me eventually I will utter something. It's not fair. And I would get all the blame.  And no one sees that it's not me. Even if they do they are jealous of me and want me to have a bad relationship with my husband. Sometimes people believe

that magic has been done to make my husband like that.

Eventually I read that in Islam a wife has her rights too, even the husband needs to respect the wife in order to get respect. I even heard that accepting cruelty on yourself is just as much hated by Allah SWT then being cruel to someone.

I don't know what to do. I really need help. No matter what I have Hope in Allah swt that things will work out. But the scary thing is that things do end up sad and bad, even no matter how loyal and faithful you are to Allah and yourself. But Only God knows best. Still I don't want all this hard time. I want rest, I want peace. I have fallen apart. I am very hurt. I've seen too much cruelty happen to me and now I'm on the verge of a divorce. I'm not doing it, he is. It's because I'm finally standing up for myself by disagreeing on a big issue between us (only because I'm afraid I will be hurt everyday). I put up with one and a half year with sabr/patience. I don't think I can go back to that, yet my husband accuses me of using that reason as an excuse. I cant believe he can be so ignorant, and have no feelings and not remember all the bad times I went through.

I am a very just person but this time I cannot accept what he wants me to do. He is divorcing me and threatening to kill my family if I don't listen.

My whole marriage time with him just passes with being forced into making and taking big oaths on the quran about just about everything, i wish i was guilty so i can accept what is going on, but i am very innocent and he is psychologically not normal i think. And now he is also making things up about me (he always has to make me be guilty) but now he is making photos of me with a guy, making up alot of lies about me. he accuses me for lying about everything, he doesnt let me get off the internet (he lives overseas i have come back to the country where i have grown up because i dont think its long before his visa is granted) i need to eat (esp because i fast i need to do eftar) i need to sleep at least one hour but he wont let me, but he gets his sleep when its my morning, i need to do my namaz, he doesnt beleive that i need to move away from my laptop and because of connectivity problems sometimes my webcam doesnt work but he would accuse me of lying and that im deliberately not sending it, he would make me do big ouths on quran but still wont believe me. I have been very patient with him. I dont know what to do anymore. Should i cancel his visa? Before he comes and makes things worse?

He never sees himself to be guilty, an example of our fights is : if im sitting next to him and he decides to hit me just coz he feels like it, i would run to the next room to moisturise the area and come back (but not say anything because he will blame me for being disrespectful), then he hits me again and this time i dont move at all, he does it again and finally iwould say please stop it. i have done nothing, why are you doing this, his answer would be something like, "oh your not respecting me! Thats my right what i want to do, and you dont have a say in it! You have disrespected me and he'd call me names and even call my family and blame me that i speak back at him and am very nasty to him" then he would blame me the next day that why i revealed marriage secret? why did i tell my family when he was the one that brang it up to them and gets them involved for them to ask whats goign on. He blames them for interfering when really my parents have never interfered rather have been called by my husband blaming and complaining about me. I just dont understand what type of human being can be like this? Im very hurt and scared. I kept all his violence and abuse towards me a secret from all because he brainwashed me that its a big sin in islam for wife not to be garment (ie cover negatives) of the husband. i was quite for a year about all that. untill people began to find out. and know that my constant injuries could not be on its own. and people were able to tell by his behaviour somehow that he is not good with me.

But i have to mention that sometimes he is the best person only 5% of my time with him i had seen this.

I'm so scared, I have hope Insha'Allah he won't be like this. Insha'Allah. Can someone please help me,

tell me duas or a wife's rights.

Jazakallahu khairan.

- ananamas

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13 Responses »

  1. Salam sister,
    I am sorry to hear about your husband's irrational and selfish behaviour. May Allah make this test easy and successful for you, ameen.

    Sister, after reading your post I can pin point 2 things: this person is selfish and insecure. He needs professional help. He's selfish because he just cant see other people's perspective. He doesnt understand that his actions bring pain to others. You claim he doesnt listen to his father and brother, nor your family. What type of behaviour do you expect from such a person who does not even respect his elders? Sister, who possessive most of the qualities of a controlling and possessive person. His lack of trust in you shows when he doesn't let you get up to leave from the laptop to pray, eat, etc. And these type of men will not understand if their wives explain to them in the kindest manner that they are wrong. If he thinks that man hold all the rights islamically, then I am sorry to say, he isnt very educated islamically. Women too have many rights and a husband is supposed to protect, honour, respect, love and care for his wife. How come he only stresses on male dominance but not on piety and softness that husbands are supposed to express to their wives? If he is so religious and Allah fearing why does he not refer to our beloved Prophet (SAW) for a reference? He does not display any qualities that this person displays. Then how can he give you all these islamically references when all he knows is about male dominance. I highly suggest that you get your and his elders involved (i.e.: your and his parents) and sit down and discuss this issue. Marriage is supposed to bring happiness and this person is clearly missing out on this point! You cannot live the rest of your life with such a person who cannot even comprehend that his actions are hurting others. Let me know that he needs to change his ways or else things will get worse and be gentle yet firm. Let him know that he needs to change his ways and I really feel that he needs therapy as he possessive signs of a controlling, possessive, and abusive husband. He will probably need some counselling sessions before he realizes what damage he's doing to your and his life. As I mentioned earlier, sister get your elders involved and then rationally come to a conclusion as to how you need to overcome this situation.

  2. Typo error: Sister, this man has most of the qualities of a controlling and possessive person.

  3. Walaykum as salam ananamus,

    Dear Sister, I can sense your fear, you are still strong enough to claim for help, Alhamdulillah. You said this has been since last year and it is just for moments(5%). This will degenerate into more agressive behaviour when time passes by if it is not stopped, he is showing himself as a very unsecure person, that needs to reaffirm throug humilliating you, be conscious of this, he is acting wrong. There is no excuse for a man to beat a woman or treat her wrongly, that it is abusive behaviour.

    He will need to recognize he is being abusive and try to change this, instead of bad words, focus on (Alhamdulillah, Bismillah, insha´Allah, masha´Allah, Subhana´Allah, Allahu Akbar, ....) keep this in your mouth, you have many times during the day where you can have Our Lord¨s Name in your life, practice to do it, see the changes in you and around you, insha´Allah.

    About prayers, say at the beginning of the day and the beginning of the night (three times): “Bismillaah alladhi laa yadurr ma’a ismihi shay’un fi’l-ardi wa laa fi’l-samaa’i wa huwa al-samee’ al-‘aleem (In the name of Allaah with Whose name nothing on earth or in heaven can cause harm, and He is the All-Hearing, All-Knowing).”

    To recite three times surats Al-Ihklas, Al-Falak and Al-Nass, followed by ayat kursi and the benefit of it is Allah's protection will be on you that day, if you recite each after magrib Allah's protects you until fajr the next day, insha´Allah.

    I assume you are making your salat, do it consciously, knowing that everytime you go to pray you are going to Him, to be able to pray the salat consciously is, for me, one of the best gifts we have receive from Allah(swt), every prayer you do, do it consciously, stop when you begin to do it not knowing what you are doing and do it again, insha´Allah.

    At the top of the page you have a label that says Dua and other one Istikhara, may help you, insha´Allah.

    You have beautiful writings that may help you too in Islamic Sunrays. com.

    This is a way to improve yourself and you will see the effect of this around yourself. There is no magic around this, you cannot change your husband, you can change the way you affect him, but if he continue being abusive, you should think about looking for counselling (social assistant,...), right now he is the one that needs help but if you stay like this for too long, you will need it too. Don´t let it go, please, the situation you live in is not healthy.

    May Allah(swt) bring Peace to all of us, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,


  4. Asalaam Alaikum dear sisters,

    Jazakallahu Khairan, i reaaly appreciate your reply's May Allah swt grant you all your duas. Amin.

    Nope he doesn’t respect his elders, what ive seen in their house I never expected went on in any muslim house (the bad behaviours, mouths ie swearing a lot from the 2 year old niece and her other older sisters to her parents and my husband and his step mum and dad) there was no respect in the house. He thinks that he is veryyy islamically educated and that I need to know, but I listen and I say sure but point out that his actions are all written there as against islam, but he realizes not. He really doesn’t know, its not denying its believing his so smart esp in Islamic ways (his dad is exactly like that)
    He does everyday mention how much he fears Allah swt yet all his actions and steps and thoughts are against Islamic ways, but he doesn’t see it no matter what.
    He does think that he follows the Prophet SAWS’s ways as a reference. But he is extremely far form it. He calls me kuffur for not listening to him and being disrespectful to him like I said (my defence against his physical and verbal abuse is) for him disrespect. Everything he does sin and bad he accuses me of yet I never did that stuff.
    My parents already are involved a lot of family are, but he is soo shifty he cries to all and people literally feel sorry for him that how can this happen to him, because he is motherless May Allah bless her soul. But the people who know me, know that know me and my family somewhat find it very extremely fishy that these stuff are made up about us. He feeds everyones minds with a whole lot of lies you never would have imagined it is sooo ridiculous it seriously makes you laugh. He lies and is shifty says the worst stuff about us that we never even did. They say my parents got no right to interfere anymore as I have been married to their family. But my parents say that we have grown up our daughter then married her off on conditions, and happy family relation to them, not for enemy or abuse. His sister is a bit rational for some reason she is not convinced that I really do and am what my husband is accusing me of. But my husband is best at convinving people that another person is very bad to him. Iv seen him tell me about other people I felt soo sorry for him but when I heard the other side of story form other people I felt very confused as to who to believe. It’s a long story.
    Plus his dad just believes anything my husband says, he is very old fashioned and uneducated and 100% against all women. Even though he saw with his own eyes how extremely good I was in the house he was witness, but today he’s on his sons side. And very bad to me and my family.
    My husband always threatens my mum n dad to their face on the phone that he will kill them and swears at them a lot. My parents couldn’t believe it, what had they done, they were soo shocked at his abusiveness.
    I cannot let him know, he doesn’t see me as someone who should share my knowledge or advice, he wont even accept from his parents and elders. Anyway situation is worse between us now.

    And to Maria M my sister. I pray all the time sometimes I fail to do the morning one wich I feel extremely guilty of. During the day I try to read quran. I always do tasbih, like subhana kallahuma… 33 times, al fatiha 33 times, 4 Qul’s 33 times each (ikhlas, falaq etc…) I do ayatul kursi sometimes 100 times and I do much more. Im very practicing Mashallah. Ofcourse I can improve. Also people describe me as the girl who always mentions (Mashallah, Inshallah, Subhallah, etc…) in every sentence.
    thankyou sooo much for your help I will dua for you guys, and I will do that prayer at beginning of day and night. Very helpful girls thankyou soo much.

    Jazakallahu khairan.

    • Walaykum as salam, ananamas,

      So nice to know about you, I am really sorry everything is worse now, I assume you know what to do, insha´Allah.

      Barak Allah Feekum

      María Editor

  5. Dear sister in Islam
    InshAllah , Allah will help you, you are such a brave lady, Please ask Allah 's mercy all the time . It is your test ,you will get a lot of reward out of it . I will keep praying for you to get out of this trouble . Please do not forget to offer Salat on time and make dua to give Hadaiat to your cruel husband , InshaAllah, Allah will send angels to protect you against all misfortunes
    your brother in islam

  6. walikum salaam all,

    Thankyou soo much for your advice and support, i also dua for you guys aswell. I know this is a test i just cant wait till its all over and im through it. I always talk with Allah SWT and tell Him, that i know He is testing me, and that I have trust in anything He brings forward to me in my life, good or bad, if bad im a firm believer that its a blessing in disguise if not in this life then definately in the next.

    its veryyyy hard but its only with Allah's help im being patient. I just want mercy its too much i want it all to be over.

    Jazakallahu Khairan

    • Aoa dear sister

      May i know whats the current status of your above mentioned problem?
      As my sister is going through same hell like situation.. please pray for her

      • Walikum wa Salaam sister.

        Alhamdulillah the nightmare had ended that year.
        For 7 years in pain from that exact moment I made dua for marriage everyday. I spent the last 3 of those 7 years breaking down from loneliness and believed there would be no companion for me in this world, something I greatly feared but as a Muslim I had to keep firm in my dua I'm human I break and become weak, but Allah is As Samad and Al Wakeel.

        I had learnead a lot from my previous marriage. I learned about others rights and mine also. It's sad that I was deprived of fulfilling my rights simply as a human let alone a woman, a wife or daughter in law. I knew what I was looking for and Allah knows it better than me. There must be a very good reason as to why I was still single divorcedsighting every or single woman I knew got married one by one after the other in those 7 years.
        Alhamdulillah just as I was about to give up, Allah Has blessed me with more than I deserve and more than the detailed description of what I asked in dua for 7 years.
        I tend to think logically more so than anything else after the Guidance we were given (Quran). And my logic says that a perfect human doesn't exist so to expect the weaknesses of a partner.
        My conclusion is that Allah Has trully blessed me with a human who is more than perfect Alhamdulillah. He's more than what I asked. And the detail description that I asked from Allah is nothing compared to what Allah knows about your needs Subha Allah.
        I've been married now for 9 months.
        After rejecting many offers left right and centre for 7 years. It was very difficult to find someone in a modern yet halal way, yet recognise signs of a man not worth going ahead with. Alhamdulillah my previous marriage was a test and kept me busy and in preperation for my current husband.

      • I pray from the depths of my heart that Allah Blesses her an amazing marriage life full of love, loyalty and understanding of one another.
        I hope the tables turn, that her husband trully becomes humble and realises his eronfs. May Allah accept whatever is in her heart. And may Allah Guide both to the right path and put light in their hearts. Ameen. let me know if you would like to get in touch as I would lovelto help.

  7. Dear Sister,

    As a woman who has been married to an abusive man for thirty years I have the following to say to you. You are a beautiful woman who is to be cherished, respected and loved. No man has the right to hit you or treat you the way this man has. If you think things will change...I have news for you, it won't. I can promise you one thing for will get worse. If you have any love for yourself, you will cancel this mans visa. Tell him to go to hell and rot there. So you say..."I've been with him a year and a half and I just don't want to throw that time away". Throw it and run. I wish that I had but it is way too late for me. But have to know that you only live this life once, you are only young once and you just don't get a second chance to go around. You don't want to look back and say, "If only I.......................because there is no going back. Do not waste it on someone who doesn't treat you like the beautiful woman that you are. He simply does not deserve you.

    You need to know right now that nothing is going to change. Turn your life around now while you can. Look back to the times when you laughed and smiled. You must know that you deserve so much more. There are men out there who will love and cherish you and be so grateful to have you as a life partner. Look within you feel dead inside...lonely...your heart feels like a paperweight? I feel that every day of my life and no matter what I do, no matter how clean my home is and things are taken care of...the moment my husband walks in the door, it is ugly...he is ugly. I feel nothing for him but hate at this point in my life. I simply cannot stand him. I am silent, I get on with my day.

    I will pray for you and I will ask Allah to guide you and to give you the strength to do whatever it is that you feel you need to do. Your choice will have an impact on your life either way but, if you were my daughter I will tell you this...I would never...ever...stand by and see the destruction of you. My flesh and blood, a child that I raised and watched run and play and laugh. I would never stand idly by and let any man tear up the very essence of who you are. May Allah be with you and lighten your heart. You deserve so much more but only you can decide if you want a life where you allow someone to step on your heart or someone who will lift it up. May Allah bless you and help guide you along this most difficult path.

    • Asalaam jewel,

      May God bless you and bring blessings in your home and family and change your husband miraculously INSHALLAH AMIN.

      Thankyou so much for your advice, it really means alot to me to hear it from someone who has been through it and from experience and knowledge reccommends not to go through it, it is very extremely hard on me, to that extent i just want Mercy thats all because i cannot bear another moment of breathing (Astaghferullah) but i guess its Allah's Will. And i should be appreciative of what Allah does to me in my life, instead of been a wreck and love blind.

      I pray for you in my duas, May Allah SWT bring the light in your life.


      Asalaam Alaikum

  8. you said

    "if im sitting next to him and he decides to hit me just coz he feels like it, i would run to the next room to moisturise the area and come back (but not say anything because he will blame me for being disrespectful), then he hits me again and this time i dont move at all, he does it again and finally i would say please stop it. i have done nothing, why are you doing this".

    this is not the way of men at all, it shows nothing but deep cowardice, if he wanted to fight and he had a desire to fight, wallaahi, he should have looked for it in his workplace, school, or since you live in the west, go out to the town centre on a friday,saturday night when people get drunkand just wait for someone to say something.
    this is what any man should do, not hit his poor, weak, hepless wife who is sitting next to him who has given birth for him many times and gives him her body to satisfy himself sexually and feeds him.

    this a weaklings action your husband does.

    the prophet[saww] said "i command you to treat women nicely, because they are captives under you"

    i dont mean to make you feel bad sister, but your husband shows the pinnicle of coradice/weakness, you also said he cries to other people?????????????, to get pity ??????????

    it is not for a man to cry for anything apart from fear of Allaah, or maybe at the moment of the death of a loved one.
    and even then, he should not show people he is shedding tears.

    your husband may Allaah guide him shows symptoms of abuse at the same time weakness.
    i seek refuge in Allaah from any type of weakness!

    i hope Allaah teaches him to have good manners or replaces him for you.

    please be patient.
    Allaah ma'ak.

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