Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband denies watching porn and carrying condoms

Truth and lies

Salaam, I have been married for 13 years. We are both doctors and have children.

I have recently found out that my husband has been watching a lot of pornography on the internet and has signed up with dating agencies. I also found out that he has written love letters to another lady and has asked her to marry her. She did not accept his request. He recently went on a trip and brought a lot of condoms.

His attitude towards me had changed since several months; he has been very unfriendly and even asked me to go away at one stage.

But now he has turned around and is very very friendly and denies any involvement in pornography, wishing to marry another woman or having been with another lady.

I consulted his sister who cannot believe it and says I should stay loyal to my husband. My husband swears how much he loves me and the children and that he wants only us, and that I should not abandon him.

I want to do what is right, I feel sorry for him, but I have lost my respect for him. I have been an obedient, loyal and trustful wife.

Would you please have Islamic advice? The information I have acquired is without doubt. Thank you very much.

- Jenny


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10 Responses »

  1. Assalam o alykum wr wb. Elhamdulillah ,first and foremost thanks a lot indeed for giving us an oppurtunity to serve you best according to our knowledge.

    I will be concise and straight to point as usual .Yes i agree with you the dire state you are having at the moment. But do not think to get divorced. You arent forced to be loyal to your husband if he is doing wrong or commanding you to do wrong. I advice you that ask him in person that did he committed zinah (if not then subhanallah , he got saved from adultery )and i assimilate that you should give him a chance with a staunch and strict warning that forgiveness is given one time not all the time. for a mistake as second time will not be considered as mistake.

    The shaitans greatest accomplishment is to break marriage and we should see to bridge all those difference which would lead to that .

    • Imane, I would agree with you IF the husband had been honest. If he apologized, and admitted he made a mistake, and promised to do better, then there would be a chance of forgiveness and moving on. But he's still lying and denying everything. How can one trust a man like that? If he's lying about this, he could be lying about anything. This is not a man to be trusted or forgiven.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I totally agree with Wael.

        Imane, it's good attempting to keep people together and their relationship intact, but not always, especially when a person's been walked over time and again.

        And let's not just forget, the man in question here has been carrying "things" he's not supposed to. Is their any reasonable explanation that can make his conduct forgiveable or acceptable?

        Infidelity, of any nature, causes the maximum damage! Especially, it is cruel to the person who's been subjected to it. Blaming everything on Shaitan is really not acceptable, the man needs to act responsibly. If the lady in question here could ward off Shaitan's ploys than why couldn't this man?!?! Let's just not let a wayward person eat his cake and keep it too, by blaming it all on Shaitan, while making a sincere person swallow an insult, a betrayal, which was very clearly not expected in the first place!!!

    • Salaam Imane, Thank you very much for your response. I had intended to forgive him, but I find his response worrying. Instead of apologizing, he denies everything completely, which is dishonest. Can one be obedient and can one trust a man who speaks dishonestly? Also, then how do I know if he committed zinah, he has not told the truth until now. Usually if one says 'a 'one also says 'b', so if he has gone to dating sites and (many) pornographic sites,it is not unlikely that he has committed zinah, and possibly with a public that has contractable illnesses. I find it unclean in all levels, and do not wish to expose myself. The findings were completely unexpected, except that his behaviour had changed over the last few months. Before this we got along excellently, we have not had any marital - or other - conflict. He has always (InchAl..) been a really very good slave of Al.... He now blames me for having a reduced enthusiasm for him, and says he is very lonely because of this. He is abroad at the moment, and I am avoiding him, because I to be honest do not know what to do. He gets very hurt about this.

      • Dear Jenny,

        I feel extremely sorry for the situation you're in. I hope God sees you through this.

        Yes, you're absolutely right about everything you have said and observed about the situation at hand.

        I have been through a similar situation and believe me, my trying to help him through our "difficult" phase didn't change him one bit. I was never an insecured person, and I never bothered to doubt my husband. I thought, we shared the most amazing relationship in the world, since we could talk about everything under the sun, we were the best of friends, and madly in love. I was living a dream, until it all came crashing down. I believe, he lied for more than one complete year! Yes, the communication between us had reduced but he always blamed it on things at work, etc. I never suspected him of anything. A couple of times, I even sat with him, asked him to tell me in complete honesty, if there was "someone" or "something". But he kept lying, even when I assured him that at the end of it all, I just wish to see him happy!

        Honestly, his betrayal, almost killed me. I do not think he would have lied on me for 5 long years of our lives together, but now I suspect him, I suspect the most precious 5 years of my life. His lies have damaged it all. And honestly, I do not know, if I'll ever be able to trust him all over again. Perhaps, I still love him and care for him and will always be there for him whenever he needs me, but ask me if I respect him, and the answer is NO.

        I really have no words to console you, but yes I'll definitely advice you to NOT ignore your gut feeling. If you feel something's amiss, then you need to believe it and do the needful.

        Also, please don't fall for whatever your husband's been accusing you of, a MAN who's let someone down, will go out of his way to make sure that he begs forgiveness for his mistakes and will do everything to ensure your faith in him is restored. HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY AND STAY BACK FOR HIM TO BE NORMAL AGAIN. He's not supposed to act like this, he needs to keep in mind, he's got children with you, who are witnessing this. He needs to act like a man, and stop letting down his wife and his children.

        Please be brave. WIll pray for you.

        T.

  2. Salam Jenny,

    Did you present to your husband the acquired evidence? If you did, what was his response in the face of it all?

    Salam

    • Salaam Najah, thank you for your response. Yes, I emailed him the all emails I had found, including the dates etc (He had asked me to do some administration for him, so I had to go on his account, the findings were initially accidental, but when I read about his marriage proposal I became suspicious). He said it was a misunderstanding on my behalf; 'kissing her whole body' he intended glass suction cups, he just proposed out of sympathy for her, one time he said he had never met her, the other time he said he had met her only once, but then with full islamic outfit. She had sent him a picture though and in the letters he was loving towards her and she was less enthusiastic. He said he would leave us immediately if she agreed to marry him. He was quite upset with me that I had seen these emails and I don't want to humiliate him by showing him all the pornographic video sites he has been on, but he had left his old computer and I found them in the History site of the internet..

      • Salam Jenny,

        Isn't it something how humans will stoop so low when they think no one can see them or their actions on a computer or otherwise? I can only imagine that your husband must have been absolutely mortified for you to find what you did (and I am certain in fear of what you haven't found as of yet).

        I guess it really comes down to you and what you want to do knowing what you now know. I can't make excuses for him and his stupidity and I for one don't know for sure if he has in fact committed zina. It's quite possible he has and also possible he may not have although I must admit...the fact that he found it necessary to carry condoms would make anyone suspicious and rightly so. Maybe somewhere along the line he realized what a stupid man he is and that he has the best thing in the world waiting at home for him meaning...you, hence the sudden change in behavior.

        If he can be a man and step up and admit his mistakes and be up front and honest about things with you, it's possible to save your marriage if you so choose. I am not saying at all that the respect you have lost for him is something that can be gained overnight...not by a long shot. But...thirteen years and two kids is nothing to sneeze at.

        If he finds it an impossible task to just be honest and open with you and continue to lie as to why he did these things then, maybe it isn't in your best interest to be with him. What is a relationship without trust? It's a relationship you don't want to be in, that is for certain.

        I cannot even begin to fathom your hurt and shock at what you have found. Give things a little time and try not to be rash in your decisions. You do say things were good before he got stupid and I do believe he might be worth giving a second chance to...I don't know. You know your husband more than anyone and you know truly if he isn't worth the dirt on the bottom of your shoe or if he is someone with whom you think you can work together with to rebuild a relationship that he and he alone has all but destroyed.

        You sound like a smart woman Jenny and not dumb enough to fall for his lame and fabricated excuses for some of the things he has done. I will be praying for you and your children. No one...man or woman deserves to be cheated on...ever.

        Salam

        • Salaam aleikum,

          Thank you all so much for your advice and thoughts, and for your prayers, I will InchA... also do prayers for you.

          Jenny

  3. Asalaam alaikum,

    Just for the record, any time a man buys condoms (unless he's a clown pulling off a joke), he's going to use them for protected sex 99.9% of the time. If he doesn't use them for sex, he will consider it a failure on his part, because unopened condoms can last for 6 months. Buying them before a trip is an indicator that he plans on having sex while on that trip, as well. So the act is blatant intent.

    I find his excuses to be quiet pathetic and I would recommend that if somehow you do forgive him, that he be tested for sexually transmitted diseases before you have sexual contact with him. There are other diseases that he can contract despite the use of condoms and if he engaged in oral sex without protection, then he is susceptible to being a carrier of numerous diseases.

    Several months ago a woman posted about her daughter-in-law who contracted a STD while using condoms during her extramarital affair. Nothing is ever 100% fool proof, then.

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