Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband does not act like a husband.

I work long hours, do all the housework, look after him and his family... but get no love or respect.

I work long hours, do all the housework, look after him and his family... but get no love or respect.

I converted to Islam four years ago, I married a very nice Muslim man and I was very happy. Now I couldn't feel any worse. My husband has no respect for me and I feel like he treats me like a slave.

When my husband and I got married I used to be unemployed, we lived with his family and I was actively looking for work. In the end he suggested I do some courses. I didn't want to do any studying but as he asked I just went ahead with it. As well as studying I would look after his disabled mother. After a year I'd got myself a job and would go to work 7 days a week. I am still employed and work 15 hours a day, my husband is unemployed and will spend his day either sleeping or watching tv. I will complete my shifts and come home and tidy the house as he makes a mess whilst I am at work. I have to clean all rooms everyday top to bottom by myself and I do not even get a thank you.

Although he does not work we are financially blessed and very comfortable. At first my husband agreed he would give me 10% of what I earn, he then increased it to 20% and now I do not get a penny of what I earn. May Allah forgive me but I had to take money from his pocket to buy myself some essentials as I had been asking for nearly 2 weeks.

He does not spend time with me PERIOD, he does not show me love, he spends more time with his sister than he does me and when I get a day off he will sleep till 3pm whilst I am once again cleaning. This hurts me a lot as all I am asking for is his time, I would say I am a bit clingy as I my dad left me when I was four to be with another woman which has had a negative impact on my emotional state. My husbands family will talk about me whilst I am in the house but then ask me to do things for them. My husband will go out when he wants and not say where he is going.

I am actually the only person that has been this loyal to him and he slings me to the side until I am needed. If he asks me to something (even something that gives me anxiety) I will do it straight away but when I ask he does it two weeks later. I will admit that when he has pushed me my attitude does change and it is because he really hurts me, to the point I feel like my heart breaks. I have explained to my husband all the things that bother me several times but he just will not listen. I am very down at the minute because my step dad who raised me has passed away. He has not supported me or comforted me once, and when the rest of the family has been going through a hard time I am always the shoulder to cry on.

I am just looking for what to do next

sorry this is so long I have nobody to talk to.

sofia

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9 Responses »

  1. Salam Alaikum sister Sofia, may Allah reward you deeply for your patience..Mashallah to your recent conversion to Islam. May Allah keep you on the right path..

    I do wanna say first I'm sorry for your loss. Everyone handles death very differently. He might not know how to comfort you..Your husband needs to read on Islamic duties as a husband. Because how he is behaving is not in Islam. In Islam the men are supporters of women. Mashallah you guys are financially stable why are u working and he is staying home?? And if you are working that many hours a day he should definitely help around the house sister..That is going to be very hard to hard and care for the house..Are you close to any members of his family?? Try talking to them to give him some advice..If that doesn't work tell him in a nice way that you can't help around the house anymore because you work all day and you have no help..

    Marriage is a team..If he can't be your teammate unfortunately your marriage won't work. Always keep to Allah and make duaa. Remember Allah promises his slaves that we will be tested. After every hardship he will give us ease..take care sis..

  2. salaams Sofia,

    No one should be in an emotionally abusive marriage. I am in one and i feel trapped just like you. I h ope there was a simple remedy but i know your pain. My sister make dua tahajud time. Ask Allah and inshaallah your husband will change oneday.

    Take care and look after yourseld

  3. Sister,

    I am sorry to hear about your situation. You had mentioned, "At first my husband agreed he would give me 10% of what I earn, he then increased it to 20% and now I do not get a penny of what I earn".

    The money you earn is yours. Your husband is not entitled to any of it unless you want to give him some. It's silly to think that you work for your salary and your husband who is laying on the sofa all day takes all of it from you. What world is he living in?!

    You need to speak to your husband about him getting a job. If you continue on like this, he will let you continue to work while he lays on the sofa all day. He has no incentive to get up and do anything as long as he knows you will work all day, give him all your money, cook, clean and take care of his mother all the while, he is not being a good husband...a bum if you will. Speak up!

    Salam

  4. Salaam sister,

    Why dont u let him work and u do the house work. Becaz men work for mony n mostly outside of the house Most men dont like doing house work. Thy think its not their job to clean the house or work in the kitchen. Even if he loves u he wondnt do housework or cook. So in my opinion tell him to find himself a job and u stay at home or if dont want to stay home all the time then may be lessen ur work hours. May be 6 or 7 hrs a day.

  5. Hmm..1st Salam sister may Allah give you everything and more when this life is over because of your patience. .I understand your feelings...Islamically a women doesn't have to work..It is the man who must provide his wife as a queen she ought to be...
    This man seems very weak in deen ..Lazy and no true focus on his destination which 8s the grave...
    You must write a letter and express how you feel .Tell it how it is..Straight to the point don't make it a long story.....I believe a person shold leave if you are abused physically and mentally especially somebody stops you from practising your faith..Husband has a big responsibility that is to make sure an environment of Deen is created in the house.It doesn't mean being boss .It means working together with kind words and respectful to others opions....Prophet Muhammad was the best role model..

    My sister if he doesn't want to change and you are miserable then say to him do want me to leave and ask for divorce because I am not being loved I work 4 u to sit at home....Allah does not help people who are sinful careless of the faith that has been given to us....This man does he pray 5 times at the mosque does he read quran does he do some work of DAWAH.The answer would be noo..So what his purpose in life .Is this what he will do until death comes unexpectedly .
    Remind him.My sister my wife is a scholor and I myself is revert .I have tons of experience in these types of relationships..It takes a strong women such as yourself to put up with the garbage ..but remember you can be the nicest kindest person by nature but if you don't pray Salah and learn the basics and learn to read quran .Then definitely SHAITAN played you out

    You see SHAITAN is there 24/7 only to keep you away from Allah's rememberance and Obeying his commandments. .His job is to destroy your relationships and the unity with the community. .Today the muslims are so weak.Drugs drinking adultery Interest or usuary .And I repeat....Those who choose a life of fun and games and live a life of desires thinking that i am sooo smart and Sooo wealthy. They will never succeed in this life and in the hereafter. Allah will make there life uncomfortable sleepless stressful and one problem after another because they create sin and go against the orders of Allah and teachings of prophet Muhammad PBUH. There are two books you should master tameel ul HAQ and quran ....You must know how to read and then undrstand the meaning...so start small but be punctual....Attend on days off the sunni mosque for lectures and sisters gatherings. ..You must let your husband know because like a saint once said An idle man's brain is a devils workshop.

    • "It means working together with kind words and respectful to others opinions"

      This.

    • No!no!
      Never ever put anything in writing that is a big No-No!!!!!

      whatever you put in writing can be used against you and
      it doesn't matter what it is

      People are sick and cunning

      and will use anything against you and take everything out of context!!!!!

      it's much harder to prove phone calls but proving someone's Written Letter is very easy

      brother what are you doing????

      you could get this poor lady into trouble

      you know how vicious and cunning in-laws can be
      don't ever write a letter!!!!

  6. Assalaamualaykum sofiabegum,

    This strikes me as the situation of a child during summer vacation from school, waiting on mom to do everything for him!

    Can I ask...does he have a health situation that prevents him from contributing, perhaps even one that he may be hiding from you? (no offense intended to the closeness of your relationship)

    Because if he does not, I have to agree with Taqwah that he should at least be doing the housework. I don't think that men necessarily need to work outside and women inside, but it seems like common sense that they should both be contributing in some way....which once again leads me to wonder...is he depressed or something?

    I also agree with Najah...you should be seeing what you earn in some form or fashion!!

    I was deeply saddened for you when reading your story.

    May Allah reward you in good time for all the tremendous effort you have put forth.

    ((Hugs))

    Nor

  7. Firstly
    I'm very sorry for the loss of your dad

    Secondly I'm very sorry that your husband is sponging off your hard earned money

    The reason why he is acting like this is because you indirectly permitted him to

    He has no right to permit you
    upon how much money you can take
    because you make the money and not him

    it's not fair and it's not ethical

    You were worried about finances
    And instead of sitting back and letting him take the lead

    you jumped ahead by doing certain courses and looking for a job while he did not

    I know this sounds kind of harsh but you teach people how to treat you

    when my husband was looking for a job
    (He found one thank goodness! )

    I never lifted a finger in trying to look for work

    because when you try to make someone's life easy
    they get complacent
    it's Human Nature

    Why should he have to when
    You are so determined to do it for him.

    No matter how nice a person can be if you permit them to take advantage of
    you
    They will eventually
    People can look for the easy way out

    everyone tries to look for the path of least resistance

    People for the most part resent change

    humans are creatures of habit and getting them to change their habits takes a lot of effort

    Now what you need to do is address the issue

    in a calm attitude you're going to have to go to him and say

    ," honey I love you but you are not pulling your weight around

    all the financial burden is being placed on my shoulders

    and I don't think it's fair

    in the very least you can do the housework while I do the outside work

    maybe you think housework is a female's job

    but doing outside work is a man's job

    and since our role was reversed

    then we're going to have to play other roles in Reverse."

    - if he listens to you and compromises
    then that's all very good

    but if he gets very defensive and rude

    you're going to have to take more deeper measures

    you might have to get an imam or religious figure to step in

    and if that does not work you might have to withdraw financial support

    because let's face it

    we rarely know the worth of water until the well is dry
    Your in-laws and your husband are using you as a working donkey and that's not fair

    Another suggestion is that you might have to go into temporary separation

    until he sees how very valuable you are
    Or until he gets a job
    Then you can go back

    I know it's difficult but sometimes these difficult things have to be done

    and if they don't work it will reveal exactly how much of a person he is to you

    and how much he values you

    Good luck
    Salamalekum

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