Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband does not make me feel loved during intimacy and I dislike his habits

Books like this one may help people to deal with the problem of pornography addiction. Counseling is also an option.

My husband and me are both muslims from birth. we are married for 7 years.  He is not a pious man, but he can be very nice or very evil . He is always very unpredictable.  He cheated on me many times, but I am helpless. I am too dependent on him. Like him, I'm an educated, graduated woman who earns a good income. Though I have no children with him, and he is my second marriage, another divorce would be devastating to me.  I have no choice but to be loyal to him.

He has a very wierd sexual habit which I dislike but I am too afraid that he would leave me for someone else if I say no to his wants or desire.  He always says he loves me,  but I never felt really loved by him;  for he lies a lot and cheats me and has many other women from the internet which I found out recently. We had many a big quarrel, he said he won't repeat the same mistake again but after all those lies its not easy for me to believe him.

When we make love, he likes to put things into me like banana, comb, bottles, etc. He will masturbate himself and go crazy watching me.  I hate even the thought of doing it. I know this is wrong in Islam(I dont think he makes love to me,  its more like lust under satanic influence.  With me, its more like he is not himself ).  He has the habit of watching porn and tries to follow whatever is in the movie. He has been visualizing men, many men, being intimate with me and he would watch! That would arouse him very much. I hate those visualization things. I never felt love and affection when we have sex. Please help me. I dont want a divorce.  How am I suppose to stop his dangerous habits?  He is crazy!

-smahnomh


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26 Responses »

  1. next time you enter bottles, combs , in his mouth if he does that to you nd ask how does he feels?
    I cant stand these kind of men, women isnt an object .. she has a life , feelings.. just because women are wives , doent mean you can do anything against her wish and hurt her.

  2. You need to be brave sis, this isnt a right behaviour. just because you are his wife , doent mean you have to bear this all.
    Men are sick ! get control over them.

  3. OP: When we make love, he likes to put things into me like banana, comb, bottles, etc. He will masturbate himself and go crazy watching me. I hate even the thought of doing it. I know this is wrong in Islam(I dont think he makes love to me, its more like lust under satanic influence. With me, its more like he is not himself ). He has the habit of watching porn and tries to follow whatever is in the movie. He has been visualizing men, many men, being intimate with me and he would watch! That would arouse him very much. I hate those visualization things. I never felt love and affection when we have sex. Please help me. I dont want a divorce. How am I suppose to stop his dangerous habits? He is crazy!

    Very strange behavior. You say your husband gets excited by visualizing men.
    How often you have real sex where he enters his erect P...........into you?
    If his only way of doing sex is masturbating while putting things like a banana, comb, bottle into you, I have a feeling he has sexual dysfunction or he is gay. If he is connecting with other women he may by bisexual with some sex problem. No normal man will put a banana into his wife, if he has an erect penis.

    You both need to go see a sex therapist.

  4. Aoa,I got married 5years back,i lived with my inlaws,but couldn't have a better understanding with them,I don't want to live with them any more,but my husband don't want me to give a seprate home,he said wife has no right to demand a seprate home,there is no verse in Quran nor any hadith about this....can I mention any verse or hadith which shows that women has a right to demand a seprate home...pls

  5. Do not listen to people that are advising you for another divorce. It is the most disliked among all halal options. Dua from your heart with some tears in last part of night with complete faith will InshaAllah change your husband. See for yourself.

  6. Asalaam alaikum,

    I hope you got away from this cheater and sexual abuser, Sister Smahnomh. As was said, no man should ever humiliate and hurt his wife during sexual intercourse. What you need is love making and I hope one day you will find a real pious Muslim man who will honor you and help you to understand that you do not need an animal who is rough and disgusting, but a gentleman who nurtures the soft heart and love of his wife.

    The one animal that resembles your husband's fantasies is a pig, and I mean that literally. Male pigs and all swine are cuckolds to other male pigs. That is their nature and one of the wise reasons Allah (swt) does not want us to consume such a filthy animal.

    The reason why your husband likes this is because he is sexually shallow and feels inferior by not getting aroused through you and hence, makes you a target of his sexual depravity. Essentially, he has a hate for you because your womanly form can no longer arouse him due to his perversion and pornographic addiction. The latter has warped his mind and sexuality, and so he also abuses your trust by cheating with other women due to the perverted forbidden nature of it. He sees you as a thing to disgrace rather than to love which pornography delves into by degrading women.

    I hope you have left him. In your circumstance, with the cheating and sexual hate, divorce is the option that will save your soul and womanly being. We pray that this message finds you well, Insha'allah.

  7. Dear Sr.
    I feel sorry for what you are having to put up with. You should not have to be subjugated to such behaviors that are uncomfortable for you - he probably got these ideas by multiple partners/watching porn.

    Here is a great article on how watching porn changes your brain and your life. May Allah protect everyone from this "disease" that destroys singles (who therefore keep sleeping around with different partners and cannot find the "perfect" person to marry - the biggest social problem of our times) and married peoples lives!

    http://www.suhaibwebb.com/ummah/men/how-watching-pornography-changes-the-brain/

    if I were you, I would have walked away YESTERDAY. Marriage is about love and companionship, not humiliation during the most intimate act b/w husband and wife

  8. salaamu'alaykum

    one bit which made me almost vomit is when you said
    "He has been visualizing men, many men, being intimate with me and he would watch! That would arouse him very much"

    WOWOWOWOW!

    he is basically a...... dayyuuth, meaning he is a cuckold ['iyaathanbillaah].

    Ad-Dayyuuth is one of the worst of creatures of Allaaah, please TELL HIM THAT A.S.A.P.

    the prophet[saww] said in a strong narration, that there are three types of people whom Allaah will not look at on the last day, nor speak to them, nor purify them, and for them will be a savere punishment, and they are
    1. the one who illtreats/beats/abuses his parents.
    2. the one who immitates the opposite sex.
    3. the dayyuuth.
    tell him that he is the face of real disgrace/humiliation.
    please tell your husband to avoid such filthy thoughts, a man should boil when he thinks of another man
    even talking to his female relatives like the sahaabah did.

    and also, if he does not pray, then he is haraam for you to be with my sister.
    divorce him a.s.a.p.

    please seek a religious man, with him only you will be happy with, succeeed with, become satisfied.

    Allaah ma'ak.

  9. Salam my sister, may Allah SWT continue to lead each and everyone of us aright. He isnt a good man,he'll use you for satisfaction of his selfish desires and also hurt your feelings. Leave him to Allah SWT to handle and please move on with your life. Im scared of that part where th disease comes in. Please be carefull and move fast. MaashaAllah

  10. May ALLAH make it easy for you

    I am a recovering doormat. A man abused me and violated me ......

    ALLAH and Islam saved me. Read my story. Let me know how I can he'll you
    And support you inshaALLAH
    There is HOPE

    With ALLAH by our side - Anything is possible

  11. salam pls leave this husband of urs.seek 4 a gud marriage 4rm allah.in islam divorce is lawful in d sight of allah.
    sister, allah has given both the divorcee and others the right 2 choose.

  12. Sister,
    This brother does not love you. He is a pervert! He could really hurt you by bringing a disease home to you. You have been warned by his behavior. You should heed the warnings.

  13. Assalamu alaykum Sister,

    Warn him, if he changes for good, be with him, if not, leave him.

    Allah is the provider sister, not this man. He will give to whom He wills and He will withdraw what He has given from whom He wills.

    Let Allah be your Wali, let Allah be your Nasiir.

    Sister, even if a woman has ten divorces due to wrong husbands, she should not feel devastated or bad because it is those men who were on the wrong path and not her. She married to get love and affection from a man in Islamic way. If this purpose is not fulfilled and it disturbs your Islamic life as well as basic human rights, there is no need to conitnue.

    This is a strong advice. I repeat my words written above again: Warn him, if he changes for good, continue to be with him, if he not does not change, leave him and separate yourself from such a person taking divorce.

    Leave all matters to Allah. The more you leave them to Him, the more less burdened you will feel and the more Allah will be pleased with you because you trust Him and submit your life and matters to Him.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

  14. Mashaallah and thank you sister Amy for such wise words and advises. May Allah bless you and May Allah helps that sister (and many other sisters who can be in the similar situation) find the courage to get out from the abusive marriage.

    Salams

  15. Either he stops the sick and unhealthy habits, or you divorce. You have a choice and you should value that choice that your Deen has given you.

    You know what he is doing is abhorrent, disgusting and wrong from every angle so I dont feel the need to express that any further.

    Think deeply about one thing - is this the man you want to be fathering your future children?

    Was salaam

  16. Oops.. Somehow I overlooked the part with the cheating..... Sister, divorce, go away, don't stay any longer.

    He is sick and unfaithful, to hell with him!!!

  17. Assalamu Aleikum Sister,

    I'm sorry that I have to tell you: Your husband is a pervert. He is sick. He needs to see an Islamic

    sexologist like Dr. Heba Kotb or psychological counselling. Using external objects during sexual

    intercourse is strictly prohibited. Sex toys are only allowed if the husband or the wife are both involved.

    External objects like bananas and combs.... I mean if he used a plastic penis I would still

    understand that it turns him on, but using everyday objects and putting them into you is bodily harm-

    and there is no excuse for this. Even it it was with your permission, it is still haram.

    There is no problem in trying out new things and being sexually innovative, but within the guidelines of

    Sharia. And believe me, Islamic Sharia is more generous than any other holistic way of life.

    First of all, he must stop his habit of watching pornography. Secondly, whenever he feels aroused

    or attracted, he has to turn to you and not to movies. He can talk to you about his fantasies, but it's not

    normal that they are that perverted. Sex toys with mutual involvement of the spouses are allowed, there

    are even Islamic companies which sell them. Most of them are more useful for you than for him:)

    Satisfy his fantasies, but only the halal ones. Unfortunately, that's all theory and in reality, husbands like

    yours can't be healed that easily. He is sick and only if he realizes it himself, both of you have a future.

    If he doesn't, leave him and don't stay with him any longer. We don't have this form of sexual submission

    in Islam where the husband can force his wife to do haram things with him. In Islam, women should be

    protected and even for sex, we have social etiquette.

    • Jannah: Sex toys with mutual involvement of the spouses are allowed, there are even Islamic companies which sell them. Most of them are more useful for you than for him:) Satisfy his fantasies, but only the halal ones.

      I am just curious what Islamic companies sell halal sex toys. In Which country these companies are located?

  18. Salaams,

    Dear sister, what hurts me most is when you say things like "I am helpless" and "I have no choice". You are NOT helpless, and you DO have a choice.

    Sister, what you have described of your husband's behavior is NOT love. As you said yourself, you don't feel love, and even worse- he requires you to submit to humiliating sexual acts just so he can have pleasure. In fact, forcing you to do these behaviors against your own will and preference to the point where you are fearful to resist is a form of sexual and emotional/mental abuse.

    It sounds like your husband is very sick. You say you are educated, are working, have no children...there is nothing stopping you from pursuing a better life than what you are living now. Have you ever thought about what might happen if you did get pregnant? Could you imagine bringing a child up with someone who has these sick habits and could expose a vulnerable child to things (ie: porn) which they should never see?

    Sister, forgive me if my honesty is a bit strong, but the only thing keeping you from experiencing how much value you have as a woman is yourself, because in your thinking you are creating your own prison to continue to live like this. No lady, no muslimah, should have to live like this. YOU do not have to live like this.

    You say a divorce would be devastating on you. Why? Is it not devastating to be with someone who puts you through these things, and on top of it is unfaithful to you? What he is doing is utterly haraam, and you believe you must be loyal? This is not true!!!! Granted, the divorce may be a painful process, but that process has an end. What you are experiencing in this relationship will likely never end as long as you stay in it.

    You are so much more valuable than this! You are such a precious creation of Allah, and you were meant to be carressed and loved and given proper attention to. More than that, you were meant to be treated with kindness and loyalty and tenderness at all times. There are people who will treat you well, there are Muslims who are sincere about their beliefs. You have so many more resources than other women in different types of abusive relationships have (job, education, etc)! You can put those resources to work and start creating the life you DESERVE.

    I strongly urge you to find a sister or female relative you trust to talk to and who can help you re-write the negative thoughts you keep replaying to yourself. If you don't have anyone close to you, by all means look for a counselor who can help. Like you said, you've become too dependent (emotionally) on him, and you need help to break that dependency and learn how to recognize healthy people and relationships, and how to function as a healthy partner/wife yourself.

    Please take this advice to heart. Imagine yourself at the end of your life, at your old age, sitting in rocking chair and remembering your life...would you rather have memories of how you lived with this man for years and years and let him humiliate and hurt you, or would you rather remember taking the brave steps toward extracting yourself from this toxic situation and moving on into a life in which you are surrounded by those who genuinely love and care for you? The path IS yours to choose, and I believe in you.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • MashaAllah, beautiful response sis!

      Sara
      IslamicAnswerscom Editor

    • Dear Sister....Just wanted you to know that you are not alone! I'm married to a man and this is my second marriage. He is doing the same to me. He is encouraging me to meet other men, have sex, and tell him about it because it turns him on. He is a very kind and generous man but has a sickness in this department. I feel so alone, no-one to talk to...no-one to turn to for help. We are both Muslim and I feel he is damaging my Iman. I, too feel helpless!

      • Dahlia, you should divorce this man. He is spiritually and emotionally sick, and no good can come from being with him.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Dahlia: ....you are not alone! I'm married to a man and this is my second marriage. He is doing the same to me. He is encouraging me to meet other men, have sex, and tell him about it because it turns him on

        What do you mean "it turns him on"? Do you mean your husband gets aroused and has sex with you after hearing your story? Soon he may be asking you to do it in front of him? Are you really doing that to turn your husband on? Since he is kind and generous, you should try couple sex therapy. Sexual habits are not easy to change.

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