Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband doesn’t love me and says he should have married someone else

depressed woman lost love

Our marraige is 5 years old. and we have a 3 years affair before that. we were both studying in university and we got the marraige without the permission of parents.

Now we have two kids one son 3 year old and daughter 1 year old. After passing through a tough time with my in-laws they accepted me and my children.

My husband was engaged at the time of our marriage. Now he says that that woman was in fact his true love, and that he should have married her. He said to me, "It was my biggest mistake to marry you."

I know that after our marriage I have become less attractive. I have gained weight, plus two pregnancies and misery have caused spots on my face, and my complexion got dark.

So what do you suggest to me? Either divorce or separation? But I still love him.

- sadiakhan


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10 Responses »

  1. assalamalaikum-
    PL SHOW THIS TO YOUR HUSBAND-
    The happiness of the son of Adam depends on his being content with what
    Allah has decreed for him, and the misery of the son of Adam results from
    his failure to pray istikhaarah, and the misery of the son of Adam results
    from in his discontent with what Allah has decreed for him. The Noble Qur'an - At-Tauba 9:51

    Say: "Nothing shall ever happen to us except what Allah has ordained for us.
    He is our Maula (Lord, Helper and Protector)." And in Allah let the
    believers put their trust.
    The One who denies Qadar (Divine Decree)
    "The first thing Allah created was the pen. He said to it: 'Write' and in that very hour all what was to occur (was written) until the Day of Resurrection."
    "Whoever does not believe in Qadar (Divine Preordainment), whether good or bad, will be burned by Allah in the Hell-fire."

    Pairs (couples) are made in heaven, and just celebrated on earth.

    It means is that every decision that is taken on earth is already known to the Almighty beforehand, because He is the All-Knowing God. However, in the case of some such decisions, what is known to Him is actually expedited through us, as we use our discretionary powers. In other words, he knows beforehand what we will decide even though His foreknowledge doesn’t interfere in our free-decision making process. I believe that decisions on marriages, in most cases, belong to this category.
    However, there are other decisions known to the Almighty which He Himself has taken, for which our discretion is not allowed to play any role. Our birth, death, parents, and relatives etc., are some of the things on which we have not been given any discretion. But wherever there’s room to act, we must act and consciously deal with a situation as best as we can.

    PL SHOW THIS TO YOUR HUSBAND-"O believers, you should not make undue haste in the Matter of pronouncing divorce: your minor family quarrels should not so incite you that you should pronounce the final divorce in a fit of anger and there teremains no chance for reconciliation.

    (65:1) O Prophet, when you divorce women, divorce them for their waiting-period, *1 and compute the waiting period accurately, *2 and hold Allah, your Lord, in awe. Do not turn them out of their homes (during the waiting period) – nor should they go away (from their homes) *3– unless they have committed a manifestly evil deed. *4 Such are the bounds set by Allah; and he who transgresses the bounds set by Allah commits a wrong against himself. You do not know: maybe Allah will cause something to happen to pave the way (for reconciliation). *5

    PL TELL YOPUR HUSBAND THERE ARE MASTER IN HEAVEN WHO HAS THE KEYS TO ALLA LIVE HE MADE AND HE ALSO MADE PAIR IN EVERYTHING WITHOUT WHICH HE COULD NOT HAVE MARRIES YOU NEITHER THE CHILDREN WHO ARE LIVING NOW WOULD HAVE COME INTO EXISTENCE UNLESS ALLAH HAD WILLED HE DOES NOT KNW THE CONSEQUENCES OF THE CRIME FOR DOING INJUSTICE WITH WOMEN[ Now he says that that woman was in fact his true love, and that he should have married her. He said to me, "It was my biggest mistake to marry you."]
    SO SAVE HIM FROM THIS DELUSION OF LOVE REAL THIS AND THAT AND ABOVE EVEYTHING HE DOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO PLAY WITH THE LIFE OF CHILDREN WHO WILL BECOME DRUG ADDICTS [ALLAH FORBID LIKE THE FOREIGN COUNTRIES RATIO OF CHILD DRUGS RATIOBUILDING UP DAILY ALL DUE TO DIVORCE OF PARENTS AND THE FOWL BRAIIN FATHERS LIKE YOUR HUSBANDS THINKING OF THE OTHER GIRL JUST ITS AN INFATUATION AND CRAVING FOR ANOTHER YOUNG VIRGIN.
    PL GIVE FULL CONCENTRATION TO HIM MORE THAN THE CHILDREN AND GIVE HIM GOOD SEX HE WILL COLL DOWN LIKE AN ICE CREAM MELTS-
    REMEMBER IF MAN DOES NOT GET GOOD TEA HE WILL GO TO A RESTAURANT TO DRINK-THERE ONWARDS HE WILL GET INTO A HABBIT OF DRINKING OUTSIDE[STRONG] TEA WHICH WILL DISTANCE HIM FROM YOU....REMEMBER AND ACT FROM TODAY ITSELF-YOU DONT KNOW THE MIRACLE OF POWER WOMEN SATISFACTION ALLAH HAS GIVEN AS A WEAPON WHICH IF NOT USED GETS RUSTED -
    AND YOU WILL LOOOSE THE BATTLE...ALL THE BEST-

  2. Sadia, Asalaamualaykum,

    I do not understand, why was your husband was engaged to someone else at the time that he married you? Why did you both marry in secret? Do you mean, his parents had arranged his marriage else where at the time that you both married? Why did he go through the mental trauma of marrying behind his parent's back if he was in love with the other woman? It doesnt make sense?

    What does make sense though, is that since you both married in secret, without the permission of your parents, your marriage has been void of blessing from the outset - unless you have omitted to mention some circumstances that would have merited this action.

    No-one can tell you whether you should get divorced or become separated, as you have not mentioned any of the issues in your marriage.Furthermore, people don't just 'fall out love' for no reason. I suggest you sit down and speak to your husband openly about the state of your marriage. And instead of throwing blame, look at where your marriage started off and what has happened during that time, analyse your behaviour and think about what you can do to help the situation. I say this, because if you throw blame, it will only drive your husband further away from you. I am sure the way you 'look' is not the root cause of the problems in your marriage, although carrying yourself well is always a good thing and so I will encourage you to give your appearance attention. If you dress well, you will feel better about yourself, hence you will feel more confident.

    Something that cannot be ignored at all is your relationship with your parents: No doubt, marrying without your parents permission was a big mistake, if not a sin - so what is your relationship like with both your parents? Are you on talking terms with them? Have you sought their forgiveness? Have you sought forgiveness from Allah(swt)? Do both your families get on?

    You made a mistake by marrying in secret maybe because you felt you couldnt 'talk' to your parents openly. Don't add to the mistake by divorcing or separating with the same issue, you need to 'talk' to your husband, to your parents and to Allah.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Let's first of all not accuse her of things and be so sure she never got blessings etc etc. she is already feeling so miserable. The least we can do is be sensitive about her feelings.

      • That is a fact that cannot be denied brother and I totally agree but let us first ask. How we phrase our presentations here is very impt so as not to further hurt the party concern. We are here to share and help resolve if we can. Not make assumptions and shoot comments.

  3. Asalamualaikum sister,

    I totally agree with what sisterz said, also I want to say that if you think you are not attractive like before due to your pregnancy then it's so simple to make it perfect before married I was 49 in pregnancy I gained 20 kgs after that my husband also starred to disrespect me then I did lots of excersises now I lost 16 kgs nw my husband started to respect me and i am happy . So sister if you think that might be one of your reason it's so simple to solve .

  4. sisterz has covered important and basic facet of this question! Elhamdulilah

    Barakallahu feek..Sadia inspect yourself and look deep inside your soul and repent .May allah swt guide and protect uj ameen.If the marriage was not pronounced again with the persmission of your father(wali) ,husband dont need wali. and maher then ur living in haram relationship

  5. Dear brother Muhammad1982. Why are you telling me that you know her enough? I was just making general suggestions...

    • Brother Muhammed and Sister Muneerah,

      Come on guys ;-). My comment was merely an attempt to trigger the author of the post to answer some important questions, it was not to judge her. So 'peace' - please.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Thank you sisterZ. I am very sure you were not judging her and had meant well. We all do. Read my 1st comment again. My suggestions were very general. Nothing about not knowing you, therefore judging you.

  6. Assalamu Aleikum brothers and sisters,

    Getting married in secret or having an affair,let alone being with an engaged man means in other

    words, the relationship wasn't based on honesty, even on cheating from his side, and I think Sister

    Z meant in the beginning that Allah's blessings are remote when we are remote from him.

    However, weight gain is something that can be influenced and I have read many books about

    pregnancy and weight gain myself; the maximum weight gain during pregnancy should be 15 kilos

    18 kilos at maximum and during breastfeading, you can lose the pounds again. Yoga helps during

    pregnancy and afterwards to become slim, you have to do sports and exercise. Nutrition is something

    we can influence, so always stay away from fat and carbo hydrates and eat more vegetables and

    fish, low-fat meat etc. I think then its not so likely that you become that overweight. Give attention to

    your appearance always. i don't know how pious your spouse is, how he's treating you. But I think

    there are many interesting articles on this site, concerning akhlagh in a marriage and treating your

    spouse. So maybe both of you can get some help there. If you feel he's treating you unfairly by

    preferring another woman over you, you are right. But hasn't he done the same when he started a

    relationship with you? The same man who falls for you and destroys a relationship because of you,

    will also destroy yours because of someone else. He's basically lacking values from the beginning.

    Sister, you should despite all the love you feel for him question your self-worth and self-image. You

    haven't deserved that. But as children are involved, I leave all decisions to you. Insha allah he will

    find to Allah and become god-fearing and treats his wife right.

    Jazakallah

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