Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband doesn’t seem to care about me

depressed girl woman

I am very upset, because my husband is very uncaring, unloving, irresponsible..

he doesnt care about me, he has no feelings for me..we recently got married, and i cant say that i was even happy for even more than 2 days,,, he just doesnt care about me at all, he doesnt love, in my first few months of marriage, he asked me to pay for my own food when we went out for dinner, i was very surprised when he said that i have to pay for my own food...

i always thought that in marriage, husband and wife become best friends and they both care about each other the most than anyone, but in our marriage i only care about him since beginnng, i give him more importance than anyone else, i am very loving caring softhearted girl, i thought all husbands are very caring loving, but after getting married, i came to understand that not all husbands are caring loving for their wife....

he asks me for money even though he is also working, he doesnt give me any money, i am financially independent...once i asked him for some money so i could pay for my bill, but he said he cannot give me and then i never asked him for money ever again, because i know he will never give me any money, and if ask him for money i will get disappointed and upset because he wont give me.. he usually ask me to give him money even though he is working more then me but still ask me for money sometimes,..

if he doesnt get money from me, he gets angry and doesnt come home for week, and he doesnt pick my calls and doesnt reply me and goes out of touch, he doesnt even care how his wife is doing or if his wife is fine at home, he doesnt pickup when i call him...

i get very upset by his behavior and that he doesnt care at all about me....he doesnt care if i get tension when he behaves this way, he doesnt care if i cry infront of him, i feel if i ever get sick and have to go to hospital, he wouldnt care to come and take me to hospital even if its emergency....

my husband doesnt have his career related job now, and he is working unprofessional job, is he behaving like this because of having no proper job related to his field and he is maybe stressed?? are men like this when they dont have their career job and they are stressed?

i am very tired of his uncaring unloving irresponsible behavior...i need your opinion please on this matter...can my husband become caring loving husband ever? can this marriage be saved? please give ur opinion on this matter..thanks


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10 Responses »

  1. Salam sister

    I hope you keep trying to win his heart and making it work. - Don't be a diva. Nagging, negative, controlling and annoying behavior can drive away even the most patient man, especially if you're in the habit of taking your frustrations out on him or expecting him to be at your beck and call. It's hard for a man to feel desire for a woman who throws temper tantrums, constantly complains or makes him walk on eggshells. Ask yourself: Would I want to be with me .
    - Don't be a doormat. Do you let him treat you poorly just so he will stay? Do you always go along with his wishes to avoid rocking the boat? If you're afraid to disagree with him or stand up for yourself, or if you feel that you're putting far more into the relationship than he is, it's time to check for footprints on your back. Pushover women are unattractive to men -- at least to the type of men that are worth having.

    - Don't just be a mom. We all love our kids; however, a wife who has a child-centered marriage -- where her kids become the identity and purpose of her marriage -- risks losing the intimate connection she has with her husband as a friend and lover. It's okay to miss a Saturday soccer practice so that you and he can enjoy a romantic weekend getaway. In fact, it's essential. Modeling a healthy couple-centered marriage increases the likelihood that your children will in turn enjoy successful marriages and family lives. So put a lock on your bedroom door and use it.

    - Don't ignore his complaints about you and the marriage. Does he complain that you spend too much money? That you're always on Facebook? That you're too messy? That you reject him or criticize his parenting? Instead of getting defensive, ask yourself whether his complaints have merit. Of course, you have your complaints about him, too. Before the distance between the two of you becomes wider, find a way to resolve ongoing conflict in your marriage. If this requires professional help, so be it. If your husband would rather have a root canal that attend marriage counselling, check out the Marriage SOS self-help home program or a good marriage manual.

    - Do learn to like yourself and your life. What is making you unhappy? What is stressing you out? What is holding you back? Take responsibility for your own life and make the necessary changes to enhance it. Start taking better care of yourself -- physically and emotionally -- to improve your energy, outlook and self-confidence. Partners who "have it together" are more fun and appealing than those who don't.

    - Do show him appreciation. When was the last time you thanked your husband for working hard, being a good dad or just being a fun guy to go through life with? If your answer is, "He isn't any of those things," well, you picked him. Fix your marriage instead of making excuses or assigning blame. If he is those things, count yourself lucky and start showing appreciation for all he does. Sing his praises as a husband and father, especially in front of your kids. The result is pure magic.

    - Do roMANce him. You might love candlelight dinners, but they might not hit the mark with your man. Think outside the heart-shaped box. Send the kids to grandma's for the night, snuggle in bed and watch a cheesy sci-fi flick while snacking on some even cheesier nachos. If he's a gamer, challenge him to a round of video games. If he's a car or sports buff, buy his favourite hobby magazine and leave it on the back of the toilet so he can read it "in his office." Yep, it's yucky. But it might be your guy's version of long-stemmed roses.

    - Do rethink your sex life. Marriage is a sexual relationship that requires both emotional and physical intimacy; however, marriage problems often show up in the bedroom first. Initiate sex to make him feel desired. Or, if you've been pressuring him for sex, try the opposite - tease him, but let him take the lead. Add spice to a bland sex life by showing more enthusiasm and experimenting with sex toys, lubricants, new positions, erotica, whatever. Shake up your sexual schedule. If your sexual frequency is high but excitement is low, practice delayed gratification to build anticipation. If frequency is low, break out the calendar and pencil it in. Sex is a use-it-or-lose-it type of thing. And in the end, the couple that plays together stays together.

    • Salam! Im sure this isnt the advice she was seeking. We women are very creative when it comes to love. We will do and find or google ways to make our husband happy. In the other hand, she wants advice from her childish irresponsible husband.

  2. OP: if he doesnt get money from me, he gets angry and doesnt come home for week, and he doesnt pick my calls and doesnt reply me and goes out of touch, he doesnt even care how his wife is doing or if his wife is fine at home, he doesnt pickup when i call him...

    What country you live in? Where was your husband born? Not coming home is very unusual............where does he spend his nights?


    My dear,

    He has to spend money on you. Read above article. Unless he is poor. Like he has no money at all and he is struggling..

    I find several things to be troubling about your marriage...

    1. He is very stingy on spending.. He has to be honest about his finances and live within his means...not take your money.. Yes, it's your money. But does he spend money on the groceries, home, car insurance etc etc..the basics? If he covers the basics and asks you to cover an evening out....that's not a big deal. But if he can't afford the basics and takes your money for that,...then you have to tLk about making a budget and look at what you are both spending your money on.

    2. He does not give you affection. Yes, maybe he is new at this marriage thing. It can be rough at the begining. Have you talked to him, face to face about how you feel? Some men are clueless about emotional intelligence, like giving affections, hugs, saying I love you...some just have not seen it in their home. Talk to him about what you need, because he can't read your mind. Does he actually feel any affection for you? Does he love you? Keep talking to him.

    3. He leaves for a week? How often? Where does he go? It seems quite strange and suspicious that he goes for that long and doesn't bother about you? What is he doing in that week!

    I would have a good chat with him at dinner, ask him if he is happy, if he wants to stay married and if he is commited to making this work? If he is and wants to work on things, great.

    If not, then let him go. Something is very immature and childish about leaving for a week and not checking in. It doesn't sound like an adult behaviour of someone who wants to be married.

    Make lots of dua my dear and ask Allah to bring you closer if it's meant to be and make it very clear to you if you are not.

  4. sister this man is not a men he still a boy. Any man that leaves for a week i would ??? .hmmm Anyways confront him ..He wants to divorce he has to say 3 times according to the abu hanifa school of thought. Life is too short to waste time. You see very bright and independant ...there guys with propper faith but first get answers and find out wre you stand...Remeber relationship is not based on love at first sight....thats a lie and thats the tricky of shaitan When i got married i only seen my wife 3 times and in those 3 times ahe asked me a ton of questions. well we got married we through struggles and hardship got 2 kids and are love grew... so love grows as life goesss get it.. And the first time i saw her she was wearing full nikab although i seen many women but i was looking for a person with good background of faith because beauty lies in this. without this it doesnt matter how gorgous she he is . there all the same 1 night passing by and pass it on..

  5. Salam sis, my heart goes out to you. When I read your post, I actually thought I'd written it and forgotten about it, it's so similar to my experience with my husband.

    Sis, I know what your going through, I've been there with many more factors involved, and I'm only just starting to recover from it.

    My husband had every single one of the traits you have described. I was financially independent too, but my expectation from my husband was that he should be financially stable enough to provide the basics for me, and I made this clear to him prior to the marriage. And guess what he broke that promise, which would have been ok, but he did it in a way that made me feel so degraded. He would get upset and think I was a rubbish wife for not paying when we went out for dinner, he asked me to withdraw cash on our honey moon when he ran out of 'spending money', wanted me to pay for groceries etc. When things got tough or he didn't get his way he would start running away, and giving me the silent treatment - so I wouldn't know where he was, his family would also give me the silent treatment, he would switch his fone off, wouldn't respond to my texts and return when he felt like it.

    I could go on forever. But basically I understand the pain and torture of being married to someone of that nature, because it's very Unlikely that he will change. He's more likely to drag you down with him than he is to changing.

    I really do feel that you need to have a long hard think about whether this is the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. He is already showing you that he is irresponsible, destructive, childish and stingy. Right now you only need to think about yourself but soon you will have kids, will he be a good father - would you be proud of your kids to have his traits? These are all important questions you need to ask yourself.

    If you feel that you want the marriage to continue, first and foremost you will need to make peace with his negative traits. He won't change easily, he wants things done his way, it's his way or the high way. He clearly doesn't understand his Islamic duties as a husband and your rights as his wife. Any respectable man (even if he is not Muslim) especially if he earns more than his wife will find it quite embarrassing to ask her for money - but your husband is actually punishing you if you don't give him money. His behaviour is not only irresponsible but it's also mentally abusive.

    What you need to try to do is understand why he behaves the way he does. What were the circumstances of your marriage - was it arranged/forced/consensual? Does he want to be married, or is he behaving this way to drive you away. It might help to get some counselling and try to understand each other a little better, the first year is always difficult when your both trying to understand one another. Sometimes it can take a little while for love to develop - especially with men. He might be finding it difficult to settle into marriage. Give him his space, and just observe him for a while and note down his pros and cons, and how his mind works. Also the next time he disappeared just let him. Don't call him/text him or even react - he's attention seeking like a child, he wants you to react because it makes him feel like he is in control. Break this cycle, let him be, he'll stop doing it.

    With regards to finances, perhaps open up a joint account and put an agreed amount of cash into it, both you and him, 50/50, but keep some of your earnings to yourself. That way your both paying from the same pot so hopefully no more arguments re: money.

    Lastly, remain patient very patient. Don't love him too much or at least don't show it with excessive attention. Be happy, just go with the flow for a while and see how he behaves. Sometimes men don't like too much attention, I know I was doing the same with my husband and he kept asking me for space which would really annoy me considering we were newly weds, but it's because he probably didn't feel in love with me as much as I was with him. But with time and patience that should improve.

    Keep making dua to Allah swt and take each day as it comes. Keep a close eye on his behaviour, keep a diary and write down anything positive or negative. In sure after a few weeks/months you'll know him a little better, and your mind will be clearer with regards to the next steps.

    I pray that Allah swt blesses your marriage Ameen.

  6. same as you but my husband dont ask me money because am still college student
    he wont care about me like yours
    and he always stay out too much and comes at midnights and sometimes at 3-4 am
    and he never stay with me
    everything i did try to do was wrothless
    i even hate doing sex with him but i do just for him
    because i learned that men like dogs in heat when you give them what they want they will love you dearly
    but it seems my dog in heat doesn't care
    and you know what i feel ??
    i feel like a slut eiathu be allah
    he comes from his friends gathering then he do it to me then he go washing then he stay for half hour then back going out to his friends gathering
    i once talked to him that he shouldn't stay out night alot and said lets watch a movie and stay together and he said " you dont control me and you dont have a right on me to tell me to stay away from my friends neither my parent can"
    that just broke me heart i dont even love him at all
    and you know what he said " who are you to stop me from going out to my friends?" i said tham ur wife and he just smile and went out
    it seems that all me. dont know how marriage life is unless they were educated well
    but all good men gone
    i once asked him to take to shopping to buy winter cloths i dont have anything to warm myself except our bed blanket he said make it tomorrow and i waited till tomorrow comes he goes out i waited houre then called him that he said he will take me tomorrow to shopping then he said am tired and leave it to allah ???
    for alla name he doesn't think at all to me
    i had been married for 3 months and i dont want ever get pregnant because am waiting for the day he divorce me or allah takes his soul before me
    my mother and sisters always scold me that i should go out not always staying at my apartment but i always lie to them that i go out while i dont
    i didnt even go to honey moon if going to another country for 3 days counted then i did go to dubai and yes we were near each other always going out always eating out shopping i didnt even bother him by buying cloths .. ect because dubai itself high prices but once we got home we got further from each other
    now a days i become to hate him to fear of him tired of him i feel used by him
    i used to stay all night with my sisters but now always try to sleep early so he could not touch me
    sometimes he wake me up from my sleeping just to get him water !!! and sometimes when am sleeping he just do it while am sleeping and wakes up surprised and scared and he doesnt care continue to do it after done with me he stand then look at me and smile and leave me be
    3 month and always tell him to take me to buy things for the house like small decorationg the apartment all plain it makes me go crazy i feel like being in crazy ppl room
    and asked him to buy new blanket for the bed it dirty from his ***** but he doent care he only say leave it or flip it and sometimes he sleep on the clean side and leave me sleep on the dirty side i tried to wash it but it wont come out
    if u say that maybe am not caring ! no am
    am clean freak girl that i always stay in clean place i wash his cloth i iron his cloth too but my cloth i take them to my family to wash because am at pressure from my studies i never study infron of him when he stay watching tv i always close my book and watch wittg him even though what he watch is boring as watching turtle walking and when he leaves i study since i got marry to him and my marks going down
    i really really wish to divorce him
    i really dont want him to see the real me
    because the real me can slap him and punch him but i cant do that he is a man
    but he doesnt know what is marriage
    he works and study at the same time but he took this course off (( not tooke off they suspended him)) i always try talking to him to focuse on studying (( i mean it important)) but he said no i could cheat (( college suspended him because they saw him cheating )) always said to him i could teach him and he said no
    and he said that "" who is great at study is dummy at life "" while looking at me (( because he meant it to me )) i only smiled
    and i always want to tell him that "" who is dummy at studying dummy at life "" but again i cant he is a man
    i wish i never married
    i wish i never said yes
    i wish that all could make me happy
    always pray and dua for allah to make him good guy
    btw did i say that he never pray ??
    when aser athan finished i went to pray and went back to living room and saw him at the same place i asked him did he pray he just nodded i know he didnt because i didnt hear walking sound
    may allah be with us
    dear sister if you dont have kids leave him
    i wish could leave him but you know ppl those days wont stop talking once they start and your enemies would laugh and make more rumors about you

    • Just ask him for a divorce, sister mai. It will be much more difficult and miserable after you have children. If you want to get out, now is the time. Who cares about people's gossip? You're already living in misery anyway. People gossip for a while, then they forget.

      Wael Editor

      • i cant divorce him because i need money for lawyer and i need to tell everything to mother
        and if i did tell her that i cant stand loving with him
        she wont understand me she would say go and do you magic you are a woman make him fall under your spell use your body and this why i hate me being woman everything on her back
        i told him twice about me and him and how are our live together but he won't change
        he got mad at me because i didn't visit his family (( i live in thier house but in apartment ))
        i told him that everyweek i go visit them but i saw that he wont take me out no matter how much i respect his parent and visit them for him to see that i love them he wont respect me he wont care
        am in with my family now and i dont have winter clothing to keep me warm and that make me embarrassed enough that am married woman dont have clother to cover me up in winter
        i wish i could yell at him to divorce me but am afraid of his reaction he never did hit me he never did call me names
        but uncaring unresponsible did i say that he fail at studying !?
        i tried to look at his positive side
        and i said it he never hit me
        i wish their would be good free lawyer to help me i wish that my mother to be at my side and all my family and help me to divorce him
        but those all dreams
        and reality is where am i standing and how am loving with him
        i always say and think i would do
        but i never do

  7. I am also in the same situation as the sister mai. My husband doesn't caring, loving and responsible. He is a selfish. He will go immediately whenever he wants to go but he always refuse to come even to buy home appliance. Every time he postponed. i have got tired being waiting for him. He doesn't even look after me even at the time of ill. Even though sometimes only i have got ill.He gave troubles to me even after the 5 days of marriage.He cruelly attacked me, slapped on my face, he pressed my face with the pillow along with pressing my throat by his hand. He released me at the last stage before my life ends. Then periodically I was suffered by him very badly without mercy. I didn't inform my parents about him. That is the mistake i have made. After I got pregnant, I was very much ill treated by him. So unmercifully. I trusted him thet he would change one day. But didnt happen. Instead I became weak in healthwise.
    Now I am the mother of two boy babies. We seek love and affection from my husband but he always fails to do. He is not loving towards kids also. But only thing he wants is to have a sex with his wife. I dont like to have but forcefully I am doing. He is not ready to stay at home to spent with his family. He always find reasons to go out and got out. Now I lost my interest with him. I dont like to live with him because everything he makes our life very difficult.

    I afraid about my sons because fathers are the role model for the kids. I dont want to see my sons being like his father. Additionally, he always dont stay at home, even at night. Even he has got work or not. Sometimes only he will stay at home. He is using me for sexual purpose only. Otherwise he didnt approach me at all. He comes close to me even before my kids. I am very much afraid about my kids because they are watching and querying about this. Completely I hate him. Because he wake up me for having sex at midnight most time because we will come home night only. After we both slept, he got up me and compel me to do. I hate all such things.

    Also he is financially unstable. He gives me sometimes and doesn't give me most times. i am a home maker but finished my master degree. I have decided to separate form him by seeking divorce. Because I find no use for me and my kids. He is not ready to bring my kids out even on saturday sunday. He is not bringing any toys and candies to the kids when he came home to express his love. He doesn't allow my kids to touch his phones and his things at all. He wont carry my kids whenever we go even after my kid ask him to carry. He knows only to come home, sleep, then go to work. This is the routine. Why I am telling about buying toys and candies for the babies means, they are small. Th kids always whats to be happy with the toys and candis only. They always expect their parents to give them with such comfort. But he is cheating my kids also.

    No help I got even at the time of pregnancy, delivery and post pregnancy. Also no love and affection I got from him at that time also. I was used like a slave because no support from my husband family. My mother-in-law and sister -in-law are all gossipers. They know only to gossip about someone but they don't know what others gossips about them. I became sick after my second delivery having a ot of health problems. But after made a decision to seperate I concentratre on my health and improved a lot. Alhamdhullillah.

    Now I want to raise my 2 sons in a healthier and peaceful way. I want them to be honest and gentle. If I have him at our house, he will definitely spoil our family values. I dont want this to be happen. Because I love my kids. I decide to separate by thalak.. Please need some assistance on my matter. Salaam

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