Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband excludes me from decisions

Man saying no, refusing, refuses

Assamu Alaikum Warahtullah,

My husband and I have been good friends, and I always thought he'll be there all the time. Despite his financial background, I married him for the sake of Allah because I hoped that we can just put our hands together and work for our future. When he was marrying me, he only paid my dowry and the rest my family members helped us out because he didn't provide anything else. With all that I went ahead to marry him, because all that didn't matter to me.

However, after getting married he started becoming so authoritative. I am away doing my master's and should be back one year after our marriage, in shaa Allah. I hustle for everything I have here by myself. He doesn't even know the troubles I go through here, whether I've eaten or not, or even if I'm sick, he doesn't care. On top of all that, he tries to control my life. He makes decisions concerning his life and also the ones that concerns the both of us without my knowledge.

When I try to talk him out from it he says I are being disrespectful, he is my husband and I should do what he wants. It's been only six months since we got married, and I got just a few months to finish my studies. If he is acting this way now that am away, what will happen if I am home? The fact that his mother suggest things to him about our marital affairs worries me too, because when I raise the topic he sees it as a competition between his mother and I. What should I do now? Please help me with an advice because am being troubled even before finally going to his house.

Thanks for the listening ear.

-Nabou

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12 Responses »

  1. Tell him how you feel. Guys like that need a reality check. He has mother complex.

    6 months of marriage is still early Stage as newlyweds. If you don't say anything it probably get worse.

    Decision in marriage is a dual thing..

  2. What on earth were you thinking marrying this total loser? His finances DO matter, he has the responsibility to look after you, if he was unable to contribute his share to the wedding, how is he going to look after you?

    All the signs look bad, he doesn't care about you. He has this view of marriage where he takes all the decisions without consulting you. Did you not talk this over before you got married.

    People like that do not change - give up any silly hope you have that he will change.

    What kind of a husband allows his wife to pay all wedding costs? He has no self respect, you married into a very low class uneducated family with a backward outlook, and as you're learning now, these things matter absolutely.

    Give him one chance and then get out if things don't change. I'm saying this for your peace of mind as its almost certain he won't change. Get out before things get complicated by a baby otherwise you can look forward to a controlled miserable life with a loser who you should have never married in the first place.

    • I rather be like him "loser" than you. Your heart is filthy with hatred and arrogance. What gives you the right to make the judgment of calling someone a loser just because he didn't have his financial in check, is there something you know about his background that we don't ?

      Humble yourself and don't attack people who can't defend themselves like a coward. Give appropriate advice. Instead of telling her to wait for him to change maybe she should speak to him like a married couple do. She should inform him about the things she goes through and her issues with him and that way he is aware.

      • The guy feels he is not a man enough because he doesn’t have enough money. He does all those things, because It makes him feel good to be controlling and a jerk. His wife being away to complete for higher education to make good money and her family paying for the wedding makes him feel insecure. Who knows maybe he was greedy to marry her for her status. You say she should talk to him. It doesn’t help cuz he becomes rude and says she should listen to her husband. I agree she didn’t marry an educated guy and family. Money does matter in marriage to a degree.

    • "What on earth were you thinking..." Brother Hussain, that's not the way to talk to people. Our goal here is not to rub salt in people's wounds, or show them how much smarter we are. Our goal is to help them. Think about how you would want someone to speak to you if you made a mistake. You would want them to be understanding and to help you find a way forward, not just berate you for your mistake.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Do not wast your time with him. Get separated and move on for a better choice. Being his wife you will always suffer because his brain is controlled by his mother. You can not do any thing. It’s my 30 year experience after childrens he will put all the financial responsibilities on you and leave you alone in this termoil.

  4. This pathetic man and his family did not contribute anything to the wedding should speak a million words to you! It means they though you were not worthy to spend money on! Why don't you understand that?

    They take you for a fool and treat you like garbage is exactly what you should have expected of them.

    As I said in my last post, you have already made a huge mistake, don't make it worse by staying in the marriage.

    Get out now!

    • Hussain you're more pathetic

      • Ahmed - Get out. You are being immature and trying to seek attention. Get a life. Administrator keep him on check

      • Asslaamualaykum Brother Hussain,

        You are right but your manner needs improvement. Try to have some empathy for the people experiencing problems. Inshallah your advice will come across as more valid and sincere.

        Best,

        Nor

        • The way this person saying it is true. May sound rough but he is giving a clear explanation. Many girls fall in this trap because they are too too nice and thinks everyone around them is like them (decent person). Hussain is trying to give her a reality check because she may feel to stay in the marriage. She should not sell her self short. The guy and his mom come from a total backward cultural mentality society, will never change. I have friends who been through this, the guy doesn’t have much, doesn’t contribute to wedding. Once they get married, the guy feels insecure because she is bringing the bread home. In some instances I have seen husbands feel comfortable staying at home and doing nothing. Eventually, these guys end up being a jerk to their wife, shows no appreciation and as if they are showing that they are greatest gift to them by Allah. I have seen this in most cases.

  5. Assalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatu.

    Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d:

    Once Allah's Apostle ﷺ came to the house of Fatima but did not find 'Ali in the house. So he asked "Where is your cousin?" She replied, "There was a quarrel between me and him whereupon he got angry with me and went out without having a midday nap in my house." Allah's Apostle ﷺ asked a person to look for him. That person came, and said, "O Allah's Apostleﷺ ! He (Ali) is sleeping in the mosque." So Allah's Apostle ﷺ went there and found him lying. His upper body cover had fallen off to one side of his body, and so he was covered with dust. Allah's ﷺ Apostle started cleaning the dust from him,saying, "Get up, O Abu turab!(Father of Dust) Get up, Abu turab!" (Sahih al-Bukhari 6204)

    I've read about this hadith in detail. The quarrel between Ali (RA) and Fatima (RA) was regarding decisions too! And the way the Prophet ﷺ solved the problem between them was that the Prophet ﷺ said the household decisions were to be made by Fatima (RA) and any decisions regarding outside the house were to be made by Ali (RA). I hope you learn something from it, sister.

    Salaam.

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