I think my husband has a secret girlfriend and I am scared of what is happening
How is it that this woman is sending my husband his personal things?
I lived in Pakistan and was arranged to be married to a relative in May of 2009 who had lived in America for 15 years. Our wedding was a year later in May 2010 after I moved to America to live with my husband and his brothers, sisters, and parents.
Since he was in a different country my family was especially worried and did everything they could to make sure he was of good character and practicing. I talked to him on the phone, and also believed he was trustworthy, honest and genuinely good person.
In January 2010 I received a message from a girl I did not know, whose name was not Muslim, telling me she thinks I am engaged to her boyfriend, and that her boyfriend told her it's not true but she does not believe him, and she wanted me to tell her the name of the man I was engaged to.
I did not believe my husband would have a girlfriend, especially one who was not Muslim, so I never answered the message, and deleted it thinking it was a prank. Soon after we got married I was cleaning out our closet to make room for my things, when I found a box which had pictures of my husband with an American girl, and anniversary, birthday, and Valentine's day cards and also small gifts with my husband's name, and a girl's name inside hearts. I looked at the date of the cards, and the last one was given on Feb 2010, which was after we had been arranged. I saw that the girl's name was the same one who messaged me, and I asked my husband about it. He told me it was a girl who was his best friend since high school (which would be over 10 years ago), and that she loves giving gifts and cards, and that she gives them to everyone. So I asked why she was not at our wedding, and he said she travels a lot for her job and could not come.
I really wanted to believe this was true. So about a week ago my husband kept getting phone calls and texts late into the night, and seemed really worried and told me something happened at work, finally he shut off his phone. But then he got a call on the house phone which I know only family has the house phone number, and I heard a girl’s voice on the other line. He went into the bathroom, and talked for about an hour, and when he came to bed I thought he had been crying, but when I asked him what was wrong he pretended to be asleep.
The next day I asked his sister who picked up the phone if she knows who called my husband, and she said a girl's name, which is same name as the girl who messaged me, and gave my husband all of the cards/gifts. I told my husband I think something is going on, but he kept denying anything is going on, and we were going around and around in circles.
Yesterday my husband received a package in the mail, with his clothes, which included his underwear, and socks, toothbrush, and shaving things from a girl with the same name. I was very upset, but my husband kept telling me I have nothing to be upset about. I think the only reason the girl would have his personal things is if he lived with her.
Before we married my husband had lived in an apartment in the city where he worked which is an hour away from where we live now with his whole family. And I am now beginning to think that he really does have a girlfriend, and he lived with her in the apartment, and she must have found out about me, and she messaged me, but when I did not answer she must have thought it was not true and continued to be his girlfriend, and then that night when he was crying she must have found out he married me, and now she mailed him all his belongings.
I am so scared to tell my parents or my family what happened. I don’t think I can tell them because they will be so worried, and my whole family is in Pakistan, and I don’t have anyone I can talk to here in America. I don’t think I can tell my husband's family because they will never believe me because they all say he is the best brother, or they already knew and never told me about it.
I am 22, and my husband is 31 and I feel he thinks I am naive because he has a logical answer for everything, and when I feel like I am catching him in a lie, he makes me believe I am the one imagining things.
I’m really scared because my parents will be very upset, and what if this causes our families to break apart, but how can I be married to someone who is keeping so many secrets from me?
- sadi97
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i am sooo angry & upset after reading this. clearly something is going on between ur husband & this girl. u said u asked his sister about who called & she said the girl's name. then she must know ? ask her more about it.
how can ur husband say that u are imagning things when u saw the package he got with those things & with her name on it ! it seems that he did really live with this girl before. everything that is going on is not fair to u.
u need to talk to this girl. ask her what is going on, tell her to leave ur husband alone, then talk to ur husband. tell him that all of this has to stop or u will leave. maybe after this he will try to be even more careful in contacting this girl, but still will, or she will still contact him.
or maybe ur husband is trying to end the relationship with his girl & she is not letting go of him. even if this is the case then ur husband should not be lying to u! he should be honest.
give him one more chance to be honest with u & end that relationship, if nothing changes then leave. bcoz u cant be married to a guy who is lying & cheating on u ! if nothing changes then also tell ur family & seek advice from them. u will need support from them to take the next step. tell his family aswell & ask them if they knew about all this.
if the families break apart then in my opinion no one can blame u bcoz this is ur husbands doing. how can someone expect u to just shut up & tolerate all this !
be strong & plz let us know if things change or not. maybe ppl on this website can give u further advice.
Instead of thinking ask him. Secondly teach him about Tauhid and Aqidah.
Salamu Aleikum dear Sister,
It is very frustrating and sad to hear that. Although many people oppose this idea, I think that many Muslim
men out there want chaste and "modest" wives, whereas they are allowed to break rules themselves.
I say it for the 100 thousand time now, but in some cultures, this way of thinking exists. Moreover,
I don't like the idea that he used to live in an appartement of his own before the marriage, and now
he lives with you+ his parents. Normally, it should be vice versa. Look at the freedom he enjoyed even
as an unmarried man, whereas you feel nobody would believe you in that situation in his family, or
they would even help him to conceal this matter. He doesn't seem to be honest as well, so I would
recommend what the brother above wrote: Contact the girl and tell her: Please don't lie, say the truth.
I'm a woman like you, describe the situation and your hopelessness. Then the two of you should go
to him and his family and talk to all of them. Sister, this isn't only your fate, that happens to so many
women from India/Pakistan who had so called arranged marriages, only talked to the husband on the
phone, probably thought life in the west is paradise on earth, but then realize that life can be hell
everywhere, without akhlagh and genuineness. If his family knew about the incident and decided
to lie for their son, when this woman is standing in front of them and him, they won't have any excuse.
If they didn't know about it, it's even better. This is your only possibility, as it is very unlikely that he suddenly
will be honest, his oriental manliness and his macho ego are at stake. He'll never say the truth without a
direct confrontation.
2) Why don't you want to tell your family? They have to know about this situation. It's not a minor issue.
He committed fornication and didn't do tawbah and end the relationship. He continued after the two of y
you had been arranged. This is a foreign country, you are alone. He shouldn't be able to do zulm to
you and get away with it. I have the impression that women in your culture have to tolerate that much
that even your own parents would probably not be supportive, otherwise you would have told them.
If they are supportive, tell them. They arranged the marriage and sent you to the US, they have a
responsibility as well. Without them, you wouldn't be here.
3) Don't have a guilty conscience when you blow his cover- this is zulm and he is not honest.
4) Sister, I don't want to tell you get divorced or anything like that; but what confuses me is that he
cried the night you find out. Psychologically that can mean that he's truly in love with the girl and
has feelings, and she really lived in his appartement. Very often, the Muslim( I'd rather prefer to call
them traditional families) find out about that and urge them to get married. The girls are often
punished with a more severe method(beatings, honour killings in the worst case or repudiation),
whereas the men are urged to get married to a woman from the parent's home country, a marriage
they arrange themselves. The spouses hardly know each other before and it's not a solution,
as fornication is a crime and before you can get married to a Muslim girl, you need to have a relgious
conscience yourself which often isn't the case. Maybe the family even allowed him to continue his
affair, but under the pretence of a happy Islamic marriage to a modest and chaste woman, who
isn't an "immoral", western woman. Instead of admonishing him and giving Islamic advice,
bringing him up as a devout man and family father, they probably conceal it. Mashallah!!!!!
Talk to him about feelings and love and that you're only willing to stay in this relationship
if he shows you respect, love, mercy and passion. Ask him to tell you if he has feelings for this
woman. Maybe he's a "victim" ,too, and is under the pressure of his family. First confront him,
then talk.
You live in a society in which women may not be protected by the family or the husband(which is
sometimes sad), but by the state. Don't say: I don't have any family and friends, I'm alone and
don't have anybody. You have Allah subhanahu va taala and the protection of the state. They
are many places you can turn to if the situation gets hopeless.
I don't want to sound pessimistic and meet trouble halfway, but all options have to be considered.
This doesn't sound like an Islamic introductory marriage, but like an arranged marriage in which
both of you didn't have the control over the situation you should have had. Patriarchal family structures
shouldn't be underestimated- and you aren't a good that someone sends to different country and that's it.
You're a human being, a Muslim woman, empowered and strong. You have to be treated equally ,
not injustly. There isn't any aya in the Qu'ran that men can get away with everything, only because
they don't have a "visible"virginity, protected by culture and manliness.
So I'd advise you to be strong in that situation, reminding yourself that you have Allah. And,if
nothing else helps,the help of the state ;
Jazakallah
2) I wouldn't hide it from my parents.
little sis
First try to solve it if not possible just think on every topic and the take decision
Allahafiz
Salaam My Sister,
I am sorry for this terrible discovery and the burden it has caused for your heart and mind.
I would advise that you hold firm onto your reality and don't take anything except the answers to your questions and don't buy in to any answers that are not good enough. Tell your husband that if he does not come clean with you, that you will contact the girl (and tell him you have her contact information) and find out the story from her, and follow through with this if he does not sit down and come clean with you.
Be incredibly firm about knowing the truth and let him know that you want to know the truth so that you can put the past to sleep in order to have a happier and more fruitful life with him.
It could be that whatever he had with this girl is over and he is mourning that relationship and doesn't feel the need to tell you because it is finished - or it could be that he has been trying to maintain both relationships at the same time. Either way, you will never rest until you have the truth and comfort will never enter your heart until you have the truth.
Be firm with your husband and when he gives you an inadequate answer - tell him straight that you are not a fool and you will not believe this rubbish. Hold on to your sense of truth and right and wrong and do not falter in this case.
Once you have established what is going on - then you can decide how you want to deal with it.
Peace,
Leyla, Editor Islamic Answers
Salaams Sister,
I may well be re-iterating the same points above.
You need to give yourself more care. This is your life and you need to feel happy and secure. You cannot suffer in silence as you don't wish to worry your family. You ought to let them know.
You need to fully discuss this matter with your husband and he ought to be honest. How can he lie when you have evidence which proves otherwise? He is insulting you further by implying you are a fool.
He had this girlfriend prior to marrying you, which of course is haraam. Then he agrees to marry you which then should have made him put an end to that relationship once and for all.
I suggest you write down some important questions that you wish to ask him, as you may otherwise forget in conversation. As you will be so frustrated at him lying about everything and you will be so busy disproving his lies, you may forget all your points.
He has shown dishonesty. So has his family, well his sister at least who is aware of the girlfriend. If he was serious in his intention to lead a clean life and commit to marriage, he should have cut all ties with that girl and changed his phone number etc.
It does appear that he never showed the girlfriend he was getting married but once she discovered this, she returned his things. Did he wish to have his steak and burger on the side still? Or couldn't he face revealing the truth to her either? Well don't speculate as you will drive yourself mad.
Confront your husband, demand the truth. If you are not satisfied then alert your family and leave. It sounds drastic, but this is not a very good start to married life at all is it? If he is completely honest then there is some hope. If he continues to lie then expect this treatment till the end, if you stay.
Take care
Hopeful
Confront him once more and be very strong and bold about it. Show him that he has no right to b treating you like this and if he doesn't change his ways, he needs to fnd himself another wife . No husband should treat their wives like dirt.
I feel bad for what you found out i am in the same situation but not his wife I am the girlfriend. It is him who is wrong not us. The heart break is on bothsides he lied to me and her. He won't leave me alone even when I do not want nothing to do with him. He says this was not his choice he had to not by choice the marriage. I am no longer with him but he still tries. So don't be quick to judge the other woman she was lied to also.