Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband has an inappropriate relationship with his sister in law

Sister in law creating problems in family

Assalamoalaikum,

I have been married for a few months. I have been told that my husband is very close to his brothers' kids and his sister in law has taken good care of him (my husband's parents had passed away). He always used to tell me that he has strong ties with his bhabhi and that she takes care of him and they both share a close 'friendship'.  I took it easy cause she appears to be very caring and concerned.

But after sometime I noticed odd activities, for instance we use to visit their home daily and on weekends my husband has religiously followed the practice of staying with them at their home. I started to notice that he is constantly chatting with her even when they are present in the same house.. and when we return home after two days of long stay at their home.. she used to msg him and chat till late night.. despite the fact that she knew we have been newly married. And he, besides talking and giving time to me, kept busy chatting with her. Moreover, I noticed that he is deliberately making her feel that I am not at all important to him and he used to degrade me in front of her.

One day I checked his chats and found obnoxious chat which clearly expressed they were having something more than friendship. She said she is jealous when he touches me. And several texts of the same nature. I am totally blank now but I want to disclose this to him ASAP, cant take it anymore.. he is constantly doing the same thing behind my back. Please advice. I have got screen shots of his chat as well.

trialed

 

 

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

34 Responses »

  1. you need to confront your husband about this. he shouldnt be crossing the boundary with her. she shouldn't be contacting your husband exchanging such personal messages with him. it is very wrong for her to comment and to feel jealous at your husband showing you love or affection. your husband also should not be encourging this behaviour and messaging her late into the nights. You need to make your husband aware what he is doing is wrong, not only is he hurting you but also how would he feel is his brother was to come to know of this. this shows not only does he not have respect for you but also he is going behind his brothers back. If this continues you need to ask your sister in law not to contact your husband in this manner otherwise you will make her husband aware her behaviour is totally unacceptable. ma allah guide your ur husband

    • You are right. But since i am living alone in a foreign country, my parents are not allowing me to take this step of disclosing as they believe he might harm me when i am alone.

  2. First and foremost be patient for as long as you can until you Collect as much evidence as possible without him knowing. Once you have all the evidence, approach your husband. Be upfront with him and tell him your not comfortable with his relationship with his sis in law, tell him it's inappropriate but don't mention any evidence. Give him the chance to change. If it still continues, tell him this time that you've read his messages and again your not comfortable with him being so close with her, but if it still continues get your sis in laws husband involved. Tell him what's going on and if necessary show him the evidence and hopefully let him deal with his wife and brother!!!

    • Thanks, i have thinking of the same solution..but i am not sure about his reaction..i am living in a foreign land without any of my family members to support me in person. Should i move back home?

  3. This is really sad and I am sorry to read that your first few months of marriage have been spoiled by your husband and sister in law.
    It definitely is inappropriate and speaks levels about their characters.
    Your husband needs to separate himself from her so you should ask him to maybe go on a honeymoon or some time away from them and no phones allowed as you need to get to know each other so that your relationship is stronger. I would avoid confronting the sister in law as she sounds really manipulative and will definitely swing it around so it looks as if you are in the wrong. speak to your husband, and say you will tell his brother too.
    You are 100% right in feeling upset and angry over their actions

    • I have to agree the sis in law will manipulate the situation. I had this done to me during my marriage! Why on earth she would do that despite having a husband of her own will always baffle me. But be wary that since your the newbie in the family it will be easy for her to turn everyone against you, including your own husband - especially since he is already leaning towards her. So make sure whatever you do you have plenty of solid evidence that proves your point and shows the sis in law in her true colours. I think you can also download spy software directly to phones, you could possibly do this to your husbands phone and see all the messages even before he deletes any, I so wish I'd done this! Although I'm not sure if this is islamically corrected since technically it's classed as spying.

      May Allah swt guide your husband and block his heart and mind towards your evil sis in law, Ameen.

      • Bucks I agree! I know sisters in law can be manipulative from experience too, none of my in laws speak to me anymore because my sister in law I live with made my life so uncomfortable I had a breakdown and went to my mums house, luckily my husband supported me throughout but the sister in law said I had done magic on him or manipulated him into turning against them.
        Even if the op does manage to get her husband on her side this sister in law unless she is reminded of her place as the wife of the brother will continue to cause problems.
        The main thing to do though is develop a better relationship with your husband sister. He is the one who should protect and support you and in this case he isn't due to this situation with his brothers wife.

      • You are right. But since i am living alone in a foreign country, my parents are not allowing me to take this step of disclosing as they believe he might harm me when i am alone.

      • Ameen sum ameen. You both are right. She is too cunning to fake things and manipulate situation in her favor. I am trying to collect as much evidences as possible. Can you please tell me some spy software and how i can use it? I believe i am doing this to make my husband aware of this gunnah and whatever it takes , i need to do this.

        Please suggest.

  4. Sister gather all evidences and confront him .if he still doesn't change involve his brother and family members ...if he still doesn't change show the proof to all family members and gets separated ...he is blot on the name of muslim .

    • i am gathering all evidences as much as possible.. please pray i be able to confront him with solid grounds asap.

  5. Islamically she is non mehrem to him and he should not be talking to her .How come your husband and sister in law and his brother are not following this ?

    As per hadith ,brother in law is death and there is clear instruction to follow hijab here .Are they not practicing islam properly ?

    Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade non-mahrams (unrelated men) to enter upon women. He said: "Beware of entering upon women." One of the Sahaabah said to him, "O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?" He said: "The brother-in-law is death!" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Baari, 9/330).

    http://islamqa.info/en/1940

    • Absolutely. They both do not follow this at all. This is the problem.

      • You were aware before marriage that he was kind of not a good muslim ? Because it is always advised to look for a religious good man for marriage ..

        And about your problem i think you need to be bold and ask him directly what is happening ..But just gather enough evidences before ..If he goes for physical abuse then inform police .

        After all your efforts If he still doing that then inform it to his brother with proof ...

        If your husband doesn't show any remorse and doesn't repent then you have valid islamic reason to take divorce as his actions are un Islamic ..

        • No i had no idea about this. He used to tell me he fasts and offer namaz. I never ever thought he could be doing this without knowledge of anyone in the family. Even i would have never detected his lies unless watch her text messages.

  6. If i were you i would gather up enough evidence then show it to my brother-in-law not my husband! Your husband would inform your sister-in-law that u are aware of their dirty relationship n she will look for a way to come after you or to keep ur mouth shut or they will start having the affair in silence in such a way that u will think that they have stopped when in actuallity they haven't. It could get worst. ur sister in law is NOT a LOYAL wife AT ALL. She is cheating on her husband (God knows what she n ur husband got up to b/4 u married him n even after) which goes to say that she doesn't love her own husband at all. She is filthy & disgusting & will continue until exposed. Gather up the evidence u need & show it to ur brother in-law instead, he will know what to do in such a situation. Yes, he will confront her about it as well as ur husband but the most important thing is that he also knows what his wife is getting up to behind his back. His confrontation with the 2 will make them stop Insha'Allah.

  7. Assalam alaikum,

    I am very sorry that you are going through this.

    I have read above that you should show all the evidences to your brother-in-law regarding his wife, but I do not think that is wise and it could potentially backfire on you. Your husband, not knowing his mindset, could ultimately turn the tables and say that you were speaking to him in private. You have to deal with your husband 1st.

    You should gather as much evidence as you can, as mentioned in an above post. Meanwhile, you should tell your husband that you are not comfortable with his relationship with his bhabi. Be straightforward. Don't yell. Don't scream. Tell him that she and him are non-Mehram to each other. Tell him that he needs to decide if he is going to change his behaviour, especially before children are in the picture, OR if he is going to carry on. Ask him, would he like a daughter of his to have such a relationship with her brother-in-law in this way OR would he like you, as someone's bhabi, to behave this way. If this angers him, and it probably will, you should call him on his double and inappropriate standard. BUT, do not do this, until you have enough evidence

    If the conversation gets too controversial, you need to tell him that you know how far things have gone and that he is leaving you little choice to get elders involved. And if he keeps on denying and defending himself, simply stand firm on the matter and tell him that you will talk about it after he gives it some thought.

    Eventually, whatever his bhabi is doing, will come back to her--but you need to focus on this question: Is this the type of man that you want to spend your entire life with. I am sorry, but I wouldn't be surprised if he had other such 'friendships'--you might get rid of the bhabi, but there could be another mistress on the side.

    As you gather evidence, is there someone in your family that you could speak to? Get advice from? You may be able to forgive and move on, but this woman is always going to be in the picture--and if she gets divorced, your husband, who is just as much at fault, is still in the picture with you--and for you, he is the main concern.

    May Allah swt ease your hardships and bring you out of this difficulty into safety, Ameen.

    • Ameen. JazakAllah kher for your advice. You are right. I am in a fix right now. Gathering evidences and burning inside as i read their messages. He didnt give me my rights, my time, my love that i deserved, nor even respect. I have told my parents and they said i have to come to their home (I am living abroad) before disclosing anything. I am pregnant and my husband is not allowing me to travel. I am in a fix.

      • I feel so angry! May Allah swt give you justice, both of these two deserve punishment, and I hope they get it. I've been throuh something very similar with my stupid husbands sis in law hugging him and sending inappropriate texts behind my back. I know exactly how you feel. May you be given justice. Keep patient and gather evidence, don't approach anyone without a plan. If you can't go to your parents bring them over to you for support.

        • Thanks for your reply. What you did after reading those texts? is your problem resolved?

          • I confronted him without a real plan, and it led to arguments. He denied it all, made me look insecure basically. My situation is a mess to be honest, yours is still redeemable. Hence why I would suggest handle it with patience so that you can at least attempt to salvage your marriage inshaAllah.

  8. Assalamoalaikum all,

    I need an advice badly from a pure Islamic perspective. I am facing the most difficult period of my life. I am nine months pregnant currently. I have recently disclosed the above evidences of my husband's chat with his Bhabhi to my brother in law. he said he was in doubt and those evidences have cleared his doubts and he got furious. I did it when I was back home two months back. my husband repented and ask forgiveness and sounded extremely sorry on his acts when I was still with my parents and begged me to come back home so that we can begin a fresh new happy life with our kid. I agreed and in spite of my parent's disapproval I moved with him back home with hopes of a new tension free life with him. But to my horror, my husband changed his attitude and started using abusive language and bad behavior with me. he emotionally and physically black mailed me to confront his brother and tell him that those proves were fabricated and that I have created those fake proves. he even have forced me emotionally to say the same thing to his sister (who is living abroad) and promised me that he will change and will be caring after I will say this lie to his sister. But he never changed. he is now forcing me say this to his brother as well so that his ego and respect wont get hurt. He has clearly said that if I don't say this lie to his brother, he will divorce me and keep my baby with him and send me back to home to my parents. What should I do?? I am in a terrible situation...please advice..

    • Salam sister, I'm so sorry for the situation your in especially whilst your heavily pregnant. My advice would be to protect yourself. From my eyes your husband is proving yet again that he is immoral and unloving. He clearly hasn't learnt his lesson. Instead of feeling remorse and asking you for forgiveness he is blackmailing you and abusing you to tell everyone that your a liar and falsely accusing him!!! Selfish man. He needs to be taught a lesson, and the tables need to turn. You need to be strong and clever. If I were in your shoes, the next time he threatens/abuses/blackmails you record it secretly or gather some form of evidence. Don't tell him though. Stay patient. Right now you don't need this stress, you need to take care of yourself and your baby. After you have recorded his blackmail, tell him you will think about what he has said but right now you need to be in a stress free environment until the baby arrives. Go to your parents house and try to block out any kind of emotional attachment you might have towards him, just focus on yourself and your baby. Also you need to think about whether you really want to go back to this man, I know things are a little complicated because of the baby, but think things through, but give yourself some time. Let your parents take care of you for now. I really pray Allah swt guides your husband and puts mercy and respect in his heart towards you, and that your situation improves. Ameen

      • Thanks and JazakAllah kher for your reply. But this will end my marriage as he is already threatened me of depriving me of my kid and send me back home after delivery. I am so tensed...how can I tell a pure lie and take this disrespect infront of his brother and sister.

        • you should involve the police and Law enforcements for your safety and your children safety

          • Hi as my sister is facing the same problem she was married 1year ago and they are joint family so her sister in law is doing the same once my sister saw that they are standing closely when she went they both got dispersed and so many times this kind of situation happened so she is in dialama whether to conclude it as an affair or not if she asks her husband he is getting angry and he is saying that they both r not like that and she is mistaken but my sister don't know what to do she is in a big dipression

  9. Hi I m also facing the same problem. .. I have a love marriage and after few days of marriage I get to know about my husband. . I show him all the evidence and he realised his mistakes and know he want a chance to solve every thing with and ask me to maintain mim relationship with her as a sister in law.. I might confused. .should I give this chance to him or not ?

    • I think you should give him a chance although as difficult as it is to overlook such betrayal.
      Be very firm and clear to him that if it happens again you will inform the families and leave him fo good.
      Unfortunately I know someone went through something similar but luckily the husband didn't have that level of interest in his sis in law (Bhabi) However the whole family found out about their communication and now the sis in law has turned the table and blamed everything on his bro in law that he was after her etc etc
      It is so sickening to see such situations only spreading and poor wife's going through it.

  10. I am in the same boat as you sister. My husband constantly talks to his sister-in-law as if she's supposed to be more then family when I know that there's something more going on because he always seems to have flirtatious laughs and giggles and it takes me forever just to get him to give me any kind of affection like that. Of course his family never approved of me either because I was a single mom when we married or because of my color and race. Only Allah knows. I myself don't know what to do in this situation and I don't even have proof except for when he says that he is talking to her and he's giggling and laughing and talking another language I don't understand.

  11. Next time your husband starts flirting and giggling with his sister in law, get in between them and ask what they are talking about by not showing strong emotions. Keep doing that so that his sister in law gets a clue to back off and your husband will get that you don't like his behavior.

Leave a Response