My husband has changed after marriage and I doubt his intentions for marriage.
Assalam O Alaikum,
I have been married for 1 year today. I only spent 3 months with me husband, after we married he has changed a lot, he keeps secrets on the phone from me while I don't hide anything. I love him and it feels as if he does but sometimes I feel like he married me for him to stay in America. He tells me he is divorced and that he wants to be with me yet when I talk about having babies he says maybe later. I am 38 years old and he is 45, its not my problem he has 6 children from previous marriage I only had one and I want at least one if not Insh Allah Allah gives us two. Before we were married he said otherwise I trusted him during the whole engagement and now its all upside down on the trust level only cause I feel he is hiding our marriage. Please help need advice newly wed Muslim couple.
Thanks,
Lolita Hariz.
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Salaams,
Who do you feel he is hiding your marriage from? It almost sounds like you may believe he is still married to someone else in his country of origin and is keeping contact with them. Do the two of you live together in the same house currently? How does he respond when you try to talk to him about your concerns and wishes?
Unfortunately, there are too many cases where someone uses another to gain citizenship, and it is something one must be careful of if they are agreeing to marry someone from another country whom they've never met. I can't say for sure if this is happening in your case or not, but I do know that since you are his wife currently you do have rights over him. I understand that he might have different ideals about starting a family with you, but I hope that doesn't translate into him denying your marital rights.
I would suggest the two of you consider marriage counseling with a trusted Imam. Even if he is not willing to go with you, it may help if you can meet with a local spiritual advisor or trusted elder sister in the community to talk about your options and how this situation might be handled. This may just simply be a cultural difference that you are trying to sort out with him (as far as communication styles or expectations of the relationship), or it may be more. You have the right to a comforting marriage, and if you feel that your rights are not being upheld or that it is not suitable, you have the right to khula as well.
Needless to say, it is necessary for you to be able to talk to him and tell him everything that you've been wondering or thinking about with this marriage, including any options you are considering. If he is not even willing to do that much, I would ask yourself if you are willing or able to spend the rest of your life in that type of dynamic.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamualaikom sister
This idea of "he married me for the visa/G. Card" is dangerous. Unless you are 100% sure of that (i mean dead sure, like he confess to you or something), my advice is to completely drop it and start taking good care of your man.
The last thing you want to do is to make him feel like you did him a favor by marrying him. This is equivalent to emasculating your man. Trust me, you do not want that to happen, and I wouldn't advice any woman to that. instead give him extra love and care, show him he is important in your life, and you will be surprised of how he will reciprocate.
For the kids, unless he insists on "protected love making consistently", the one who controls is YOU. Take good care of his natural manly physical need and you will achieve both, increased love and gratitude from him, and if Allah wills, you also get the baby as a bonus.