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No contact

Question:

I have been married.  to my Egyptian husband for 18 months. 12 of these I lived with him Egypt with him. but due to economic reasons I have returned to England in the hope that my husband will eventually get a visa and be able to . join me here. I visited him fairly recently.  and usually we make contact every day.

But since New year he has been unble to maintain his phone contract so cannot use this phone to contact me. He has an English phone but that too ran out of money. I can text him but he cannot reply. Last week I put .£10 on that phone so he was able to contact me. He said this made him sad as he knows I have very little money and told me not to do it again. He has let me do this in the past with no problem. His last text to me several days ago was to tell me not to put more money on his phone and that he would try to go online to talk to me todayat 1pm. 5 days since his last message.

We have texted or talked everyday since we met if we. have been apart and I feel devasted without this communication between us.

He did not come on line and eventually I did put money on his phone and sent him a message telling him this. which was delivered to his phone. He did not reply. I have since tried to call him several times but he does not answer. The call gets through so. I know the credit has arrived as when he has no credit the phone is not available so does not ring.

In the last few weeks one or two things changed in our relationship that now make me worry that he.  wants to stop contact with me. We began to exchange very intimate text messages and to please him I wrote things of a very sexual nature that I fear now he will think very bad of me for writing..  . Also when. I visited him we engaged in a sex practice that I now know is forbidden in Islam. I fear too that this will make him think me bad. Everything. I have done and everything I do is because. I love him with.  my whole. heart. I feel bad about these things now so I feel sure he will too and I don't know what to do.

- Ilisa

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Dear Ilisa, Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

I am sorry to hear you are dealing with this stressful issue so soon in your marriage. Separation is very difficult for any relationship, and the lack of contact is worrisome.

First of all, I encourage you to try to not let the worry eat into your heart and mind too much. The Shaitan (Satan) loves to whisper and make us doubt ourselves and others. Make sure you are eating right and getting enough rest so you don't allow this situation to make you ill. Keep to your five daily prayers and fast if you have the strength, and pray the night prayer and make du'a for Allah to reunite you as soon as possible.

You are correct to be concerned at the lack of contact. What I would advise you to do at this time is to write a comprehensive e-mail to your husband, explaining in a non-judgmental way that his lack of contact has you very worried and that you really need to hear from him in order to rest your mind. Send him a text message on the phone to alert him to the e-mail. Resolve to give him a week to reply; it may be that he is busy trying to run to embassies and visa centers in an effort to find a way to come to you, or that he is trying to find work. I have had my husband travel to Egypt for family reasons, and he did not contact me for a week or more, because he was completely tied up with family, he was exhausted taking care of "emergency" issues, and the time difference and such confused him. Also, his English writing is not the best so he has never communicated by e-mail very well. Some people just lose track of time and really don't realize they are stressing out their loved ones by dropping out of sight.

He may also feel guilty for not being able to support you financially and he is ashamed of that. In your e-mail, say nice things about him and tell him you support and trust him and will be patiently waiting for him.

In regards to the intimate text messages, you are husband and wife and it is certainly permissible for you to text things back and forth, so you should not feel guilty about that. And as far as doing something sexually impermissible in Islam on your last visit, as long as you were married, all things are generally allowed except for sexual relations during a woman's menstrual cycle, and anal intercourse. If you feel he might think that the text was inappropriate, in your e-mail address that and tell him that you are a cover for him and he for you, and that Islamically there was nothing wrong with what you did.

You are going to have to be very strong to maintain your emotional balance during this time. Try not to think of what the worst-case scenario is; rather, give him excuses and e-mail him only supportive words. Keep yourself busy with work, and surround yourself with strong Muslim sisters who will keep you busy. InshAllah this situation will resolve itself in time. Keep an open mind and heart, and come back to us to update us on the situation as it evolves.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com