Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband has not introduced me to his family

A Muslim wedding in Brunei Darussalam. Muslim weddings, like most weddings, are family affairs.

A Muslim wedding in Brunei Darussalam. Muslim weddings, like most weddings in any culture, are family affairs.

Question:

I recently married my husband in his country of residence, and although we married in the same city as his parents live in, he did not invite them nor did he ever introduce me to them.

He claims it was because he was "on the outs" with them at the time, but later I discovered that he still lives with his parents (except when he was in the U.S. for college and work). So at the time that we married, although we were living together at a resort, he was officially living with his parents.

Now he keeps delaying my meeting his parents. Initially he said when we got our I-129/K3 visa approved I would fly back, meet his family, and we would come to the U.S. - however, during our last conversation, he said I would meet his family "next year". I wonder if he is using me for money or a green card, even though so far he has paid for everything. The closer we get to having his visa approved, the more my intuition screams that something isn't right here.

Today he replied to an email saying I haven't met his family because he hasn't met mine - but my entire family and all of my friends know that we married - and if he weren't 10,000 miles away he would have met my family before we ever married. But he and I were staying in the same town as his family lives for 30 days, and we even got married, and I never met them. It hurts to end this now, but I know it would hurt more 2-3 years from now if he gets citizenship and leaves me.

I mean, we had a great time together and get along well, but there are a few issues, such as my not meeting his family and some other issues, that have me worried. I mean, he is Indian born and working in the UAE, but in all three cultures, Indian, Muslim, and American, marriage is a FAMILY CENTERED event. I am hurt and worried over not meeting his family, and it makes me doubt his commitment to our marriage.

- Colima

Wael's Answer:

Dear Sister Colima, As-salamu alaykum,

I agree that you have good reason to be suspicous. I see a few possibilities:

  1. It could be that he is sincere in his love for you, but he knows his parents will not approve. It sounds like he is Indian and you are American, right? So it's quite possible that either he has mentioned you to his parents and they flatly rejected such a match, or he is afraid to even bring it up.
  2. He could be using youto get the green card, as you suspect.
  3. It could be something worse. He might already be married in his country, and using you for the green card.

There's one thing that's not clear to me. You mentioned several times that you have not met his family, but does his family know that he has married you? I mean, has he at least told them about you, and that you are married?

If he has told them, then at least you could have a conversation with them on the phone, and talk about a future get-together. If he hasn't even told them, then I think it's pretty clear that he is up to no good.

I would give him an ultimatum and tell him that either you meet the family, or you walk.

And Allah knows best.

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, I invite you to post your comments below.

(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.

Best regards,. - Wael Abdelgawad
IslamicAnswers.com Marriage Advice
Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service

8 Responses »

  1. This sounds purely for a green card. Indians are very conservative and always let their parents lead when it comes to their children getting married. Your case is really strange. He is probably married in somewhere else.

  2. I guess the matter has been solved. But the sister has to respond and let the readers know about the decision she has taken. Unless the writers keep commenting here for years from now, as the sister had put this question 2 years before. Anyways, Allah help you in this regard and give you courage to handle.

    ZARAK KHAN, do not share your experiences here, as you did not married her because you dont wanted use her a tool, but loved her as a ?? Human or a tool?
    When you were not sure about the marriage then what made you to love her and leave her and then still confess you love her? Love is PURE only when it is between the recognized relationships.
    I am sorry if i have offended you in anyway, but truth is bitter for some.

  3. I think he just wanted to get in your pants!!

  4. RUN RUN RUN as fast as you can from this guy. It doesn't take a rocket scientist or an Islam scholar to figure out that this is a sham marriage.

  5. You were in his home town, married and you didnt meet his family? Please make his visa refused if you think he played with you. It made me angry for such cheap deeds, in 2001 I fell in love with an american revert sister, but I didnt marry her because I didnt want to use a wife as a tool to support me in visa. My love still exists pure for her though we never married. Islam is more than the USA or Canada or the west and its nationalities, Islam is the ultimate truth so a relationship, prayers, deeds should be truthful based on the true preachings. Ok I am sorry for the point now:

    I would say all three above answers given by a borther and 2 other sisters, they are all right. I would only advice you to,

    1. Have faith in Allah and I am sure you have and pray good.
    2. Have a good friend, whom you trust more, or anyone whom you can share your heart.
    3. Find a good Islamic scholar and you and your friend both visit her or him and tell all the situation, you could go to a masjid, an islamic centre or to someone's home.
    4. Ask him or her your rights in Islam especially during such a situation when you think your husband is a liar. Remember Islam is straight forward.
    5. Afterwards you take action accordingly.

    Lies have no place in Islam!!
    Good Luck, May Allah bless us all Ameen.
    one non-learnered brother

  6. I highly recommend she consult with an Islamic scholar, or an Imam at a Masjid if she is worried. She will not find the answer online.
    Maybe she can try http://www.islam-qa.com/en
    However, it is best she speak over the phone or in person as she needs to tell the full situation. One scholar in NY I recommend, website baitulhamd.org is Mufti JamalUddin, in NY. Highly recommended, and pious, mashAllah. 18626863383

    In any case, unless she consults with a real scholar, she should not make any major decisions as you suggested, giving an ultimatum.

    Ma'salaamah
    One sister

    And brother, unless you are a scholar or A'alim, and Trained to answer questions Islamically, please do not even attempt to online or in person, because you may be doing more harm than good, which is your intention. But even Allah has said in the Qur'aan, that those who know, are they equal to those who do not know?
    "Say [unto them, O Muhammad]: Are those who know equal to those who know not? But only men of understanding will pay heed" (The Holy Qur'aan 39: 9).

    JazakAllahu Khairun, Just Islamically speaking.

    • Ammara, thank you for your concern for this sister. However, I totally disagree that a question of this nature requires an answer from a scholar. It's not a matter of fiqh. It's just common sense that if her husband keeps delaying introducing her to his family, then something is off. Most likely he is keeping it secret from his family, which is a very bad sign from the start.

      There are other questions that come in that are matters of fiqh, such as when a person says, "this and this happened, is my marriage valid?" I do not answer those. I ask them to see a scholar in their region.

      But some things are just a matter of common sense and experience. I have been answering these questions for many years and I tend to see certain repeating patterns of human behavior. It doesn't take a scholar to tell someone not to put her hand in a fire, or to take it out if it's already there.

      You suggested that I should have "training" to answer questions. What sort of training would you suggest? Many Imams make awful advisors and have no idea how to deal with family problems. Other Imams are quite good at solving family problems. The difference has little to do with classical Islamic training and more to do with how much life experience the Imam has, how much common sense, and how open-minded and fair-minded he is.

      Have I studied Islam? Yes, extensively. Have I studied it in a university setting? No. But again, I don't think that's the important criterion. I often advise people to talk to an elder in the family, or any wise person he or she may know. Again, these people may not have classical Islamic training, but they have life experience and wisdom. That is an important kind of "knowing" that should not be dismissed lightly.

    • you will not get an answer by phone or by an Islamic scholar, or an Imam, just face him and say as his wife you want to meet his family, if he does not accept my dear he is playing with you, or more exactly he is using you to get the green card.

      Be honest is the most important thing and even if the family is muslim and will not accept you as his wife you deserve to know it by them, face to face.

      Goog luck.

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