Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband has OCD

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Every girl dreams of a perfect marriage, if only I could tell every dream comes true....

I wanted to share my life experience with you.

I was pretty young when I got married, around eighteen or nineteen. I was raised in a family where we were not allowed to choose our husbands but had to just go with their decision. I hope this changes someday but this is the story in most conservative families.

They are broad minded to an extent but when it comes to a few things they still follow many man made rules. I was happy. I was married. I wasn't sad or regretted. There was no use regetting something that was meant to happen but like all other girls I imagined marriage to be like all cheesy novels. Filled with love and laughter. I didn't know that I was in for a good awakening.

I was a free spirited person,I never let my hijab or abaya stop me from having fun. One week into marriage and I had already discovered that my husband was narrow minded when it came to certain things but I never paid heed to, I just accepted him for how he was. But then we went on a family vacation and things sort of became difficult. He started to have problems with how free I was with my family, he started to have problems with the way I dressed, he started to have problems because I never let the way I dress stop me from having fun. I and my siblings were a bunch of naughty and joyful people. I enjoyed sports a lot. I loved horse riding, I loved speed boating, I loved basketball. I just was a person full of life, I loved to make friends and I loved to help people. I could start a conversatile any where. It was then that I discovered that my husband didn't approve of the way I lived,of the way I behaved. He didn't like my nature. He thought I needed to grow up. That is where the 'changing' began.

My family is one who shows affection to their kids often. So even if we were adults my mom and dad still kissed us and cuddled us, still pampered us. According to my husband it was disgusting.

He started to take promises from me I wouldnt cuddle with my parents,I wouldn't lean on my brother,I wouldn't sit on the cars deck( which yes I did, I don't know whethe it's appropriate or not) but very soon I found out that my husband had a problem with everything that had to do with me. He liked to be in control, and he got easily jealous of the relationship I had with my family. He forced me to wear hijab when I went to my parents house, he took promises from me,uncountable promises for every little thing. I wasnt supposed to dress in anything except traditional clothes, even if I was at my parents home, I wasnt supposed to kiss or hug my parents, I wasnt supposed to go on outings with my parents that lasted for more than a day. Over night staying was a strict no. I wasn't supposed to go to my parents house for more than the days he would count and send. I wasn't supposed to be on social networking sites like FB and Twitter orkut etc and I wasn't supposed to make friend's easily. I wasn't supposed to step foot into my college or school, I wasn't supposed to write a diary which was a habit of mine.I was to wear hijab when I slept in my parents house even while sleeping my hijab couldn't come out. I accepted him for the way he was but sadly he didn't love me for who I was but wanted to change everything about me, with every passing day I felt like I was being prisoned.Like I was being caged. Every promise he took from me weighed heavily on my shoulders. The once carefree girl was long gone.

A year later I found out I was expecting. I thought this was it.... Maybe things would change now. Maybe our problems would finally settle down but I found out that my husband didn't care. He still pressured me asking me everyday if i remembered all my promises,reminding me of my past mistakes and how he changed me into a better woman, How my parents were worthless. So much that I found I was getting depressed. On my seventh month I had to get admitted in the emergency because I got false labour pain because of all the stress I was taking. My husband stayed with me all night in the emergency. He cried, He bought me my favourite food. It was like he was two separate human beings... one who enjoyed tormenting me and one who cared for me and was kind.

In the mean while I had noticed that he was laid back when it came to salat and Quran. And once in a while even I was letting go of having faith... I was giving up. I had prayed so much for a good practicing husband all my teenage years, I had asked for a husband who would care for me and love my family like his.

So far... none of them had been answered. I thought maybe I deserved all of this. I must have done some sort of unforgivable sin and I was being punished. Years passed. Our relationship was both nice and ugly. Like I said he was these two different person and I had accepted my fate. I stopped hoping that he would change. That he would grow better. The time I spent with my family kept decreasing. I wasn't allowed to spend more than five to seven days with them but I was thankful. At least I wasn't completely without touch with them. I talked to them everyday. He would get irritated but he never told me that I couldn't talk to my family at least. Two years back I couldn't take it any more. Life was too stressed and it didn't help that my parents were not understanding my situation and wanted me and we're pressuring Me to come their often. In the mean while my brother got divorced from my husband's distant cousin. Things couldn't have gotten worse. He had gotten another thing to taunt me about. To degrade my family about. It was a messy divorce. He kept blaming my parents and brother for everything. Things started to get bad but I couldn't give up on God or my marriage. I kept hold. I was a fighter. I couldn't give up that easily.

My husband was diagnosed with OCD. People think OCD was only about staying clean and leading an organised life. How wrong they are. My husband didn't let go of the past ever.till this date he holds on to past memories and taunts me everytime. But yes, he had OCD and it had increased to an extent that he was obsessed.... but about me.
He couldn't bear that I'd ever break any of his promises so he wanted and still wants reassurance every day that I'd always remember his promises till I die and I've already said this about more than 5000 times in 5 years and I am not exaggerating. I get asked like at least ten times everyday. He also took a promise from me that if I ever divorce him or he dies I would never marry anyone again. I don't mind. It's not like I never thought about it. I know he tried back then to get better,to improve but he couldn't. The medicine's took a toll on him and he stopped taking them and thing's got normal maybe even worse. It's been five years now and he still remains the same. He still doesn't practice Islam accept if it is a lecture about hijab then he listens to it and makes me hear it too even though I already cover myself up. There wereally also times when I would lose my anger and shout at him,I wish I wouldnt but I'm human. He would pinch me hard leavING bruises. He would also hit me haRd at times but then he would say that he never hit me in anger but play fully. Now Ive taken so much stress that I started to get killer headaches. I got diagnosed with migraine. Nothing big alhumdulillah. But my health started to take a toll on me.I started feeling weak all the time.

Marriage has been a hectic journey from me and this doesn't even cover all of it. I don't know if I've been abused or not but the thing is I'm still trying and I can't stop loving him. I think that maybe if I be a better wife , he will change. He will be a better Muslim and a better husband. He is also caring at times so i suppose it balance's things out. I've never thought of divorcing him and most probably I never will. I can't do that to my son. I can't take him away from his father and also I still love my husband. I don't know if this is a big deal or not. Maybe I'm just imagining it to be more than it is. I do have a habit of forgetting things now a days. But I'm not willing to give up my marriage and I still want to be the best wife I can and I'm hoping that with my patience and my dua he will change someday into an even better human being. I don't even know why I am writing this maybe it's because I need your dua and support or maybe I just needed someone to tell everything too. I just don't know what. I'm never going to divorce him because even though he ha's his bad times he also has his good times. I'm going to wait for him to come around even if it take's all life. And maybe it's not completely his fault because he does have OCD and anxiety so I can't blame him completely. I'm just waiting for him to get better. Pray for me and my family....and I am feeling better about talking to someone about this. I just wanted to share my experience.

Remember me in your prayers

Broken wings.

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28 Responses »

  1. Its good that you stick with your marriage.. every girl dreams the same. Like i did too.. my hubby dont even need me because his mother dont like me from the start. I have a baby girl after losing a baby boy before but now i am at my dad's home since 3 months and he didnt call me.. text me.. every girl loves her husbands like i do too.. May Allah bless You with his love and care.. cause its tha great remedy for all pains.
    Take care

  2. I'm sorry, I'm not sure what advice I could give you but I just wanted to let you know that if your husband isn't practicing then you cannot be with him. Leaving salah makes one a disbeliever. Your marriage contract is void so you must stop all intimacy with him.

    Please watch the video.

    Divorcing a Husband who does not pray: https://youtu.be/D_7EW-wYljo

    May Allah guide him and ease your situation

    • sister it would be better that you do not advise people .. i was looking at another comment of yours, and please understand, you have twisted views. dont break her marriage ..

      • Twisted views? How so? I advise according to Quran and Sunnah, not desires. You may think you're doing good by advising her to stay in her marriage, but in reality that is terrible advice. If she continues intimacy with him although he is a kafir, she would be commiting zina. Zina is hated in the sight of Allah.

        Our lives should be about pleasing Allah. Everything else is falsehood and what is the point of living if it is not in obedience to Allah? Disobedience to Allah will lead to hellfire and we would be wasting our lives. Do you understand how painful the punishment of the grave is let alone jahannam? Do you know the punishment for the zaniyah in the grave?

        If a marriage is invalid while this peraon knows it and someone continues on with intimacy, they are commiting zina. The punishment for zina is extremely severe. Who cares if she stays in the "marriage" if she is commiting zina? Our number one priority should be pleasing Allah, not saving "marriages".

        This is an Islamic site and if you find advisng people according to what Allah has revealed to be "twisted", then you should advise others on a secular site. If advice according to the Quran and Sunnah makes someone feel uncomfortable after proof has been provided, then I am afriad the twisted one is them. Only someone with a sick heart would feel unhappy with what Allah has revealed.

        I advise you to read the following ayat and really think about what you have said.

        " O you who have believed, obey Allah and obey the Messenger and those in authority among you. And if you disagree over anything, refer it to Allah and the Messenger, if you should believe in Allah and the Last Day. That is the best [way] and best in result. Have you not seen those who claim to have believed in what was revealed to you, [O Muhammad], and what was revealed before you? They wish to refer legislation to Taghut, while they were commanded to reject it; and Satan wishes to lead them far astray. And when it is said to them, "Come to what Allah has revealed and to the Messenger," you see the hypocrites turning away from you in aversion. So how [will it be] when disaster strikes them because of what their hands have put forth and then they come to you swearing by Allah, "We intended nothing but good conduct and accommodation." Those are the ones of whom Allah knows what is in their hearts, so turn away from them but admonish them and speak to them a far-reaching word. And We did not send any messenger except to be obeyed by permission of Allah. And if, when they wronged themselves, they had come to you, [O Muhammad], and asked forgiveness of Allah and the Messenger had asked forgiveness for them, they would have found Allah Accepting of repentance and Merciful. But no, by your Lord, they will not [truly] believe until they make you, [O Muhammad], judge concerning that over which they dispute among themselves and then find within themselves no discomfort from what you have judged and submit in [full, willing] submission. "(Quran 4:59-65)

        • This girl is NOT committing zina. You really should not be posting such things as this is a terrible thing to say about a married woman.
          A muslim must pray 5x a day. The failure to pray does not make someone a non-muslim. It makes him a muslim who is deficient in his obligations.
          If this girl wishes to get a divorce, then there is nothing wrong with that as it appears that her marriage is not healthy. However, she wants to work on her marriage and make it succeed.

          • The one who does not pray is a kafir and a Muslim woman cannot be married to a kafir. The marriage contract is void. Watch the video I posted earlier and read this fatwa. There is enough proof.

            https://islamqa.info/en/5208

            Also, I said IF. Now that she understands that he is a disbeliever, she cannot be intimate with him. If she has read the proof and still insists in being intimate with him, that's zina.

          • Correction: KNOWS not "IF"

            Also, not only is there "enough" proof.. If you read the fatwa, you will see that there is an abundance of proof on the ruling that the one who does not pray is a kafir. The matter is very clear.

        • As-salamu Alaykum,

          Dear Umm Abdur Rahman,

          I think if you research further, you will find that there are at least two different categories of Muslims who do not pray. One can, indeed, be a Muslim and a believer but deficient in his practice of Islam. This person acknowledges his sin and knows that he is deficient, but he considers himself a Muslim. Inside himself, he struggles and hopes to improve.

          This is different from someone who doesn't pray and doesn't care about Islam in the first place.

          Leaving that aside for a moment, the poster has indicated that her husband has mental health issues.

          Please let that sink in for a moment.

          Are you totally confident that the same rules you are speaking of apply to this individual?

          If you don't know much about issues like anxiety and OCD, you might think they are personal weaknesses instead of actual illnesses that take over a person's mind to the point that they cannot function like other people. Left untreated, a condition like OCD can take away all rational thought and make a person preoccupied with unhealthy thoughts and behaviors every single minute that he is awake.

          If you have never experienced this or lived with someone who has this condition, it is very easy to dismiss such people as an annoyance or distraction, as though their lives do not hold value to the people who love them.

          The easiest thing in the world for this poster to do would be to divorce her husband, and she has every justification to do so...but she has decided to stay and work on her marriage. As much as she is suffering, she knows that her husband is suffering, too. Underneath the problems, she knows there is another person in there, and she is desperate to extract him. She has seen glimpses of him throughout their marriage, and this is why she does not give up.

          Personally, I would advise this sister to draw some red lines in this relationship. There are many dimensions to the problems she is having, and she will have to be really strong in order to deal with them and achieve the best possible outcome. Prayer and her husband's practice of Islam are important issues, but the first priority has to be getting her husband into a mentally healthy state so that these discussions can even take place.

          Broken Wings, please try to get help for your husband. Medication can be very effective for OCD, and there are several different medications to try. A good doctor can help.

          Is your father able to speak to your husband? In order for the marriage to continue, you can ask for certain conditions to be met, such as:

          1. Your husband must seek out professional treatment for OCD and commit to taking any medications that are prescribed.
          2. Physical aggression of any type will not be tolerated.
          3. If the stress becomes too much for you to bear, you have the right to spend time at your family's home until things are better.
          4. You would like your husband to be a role model for your child by praying and reading Qur'an.

          I recommend a loving but firm tone for the above. Your goal is to show concern without making your husband feel threatened. But he should also know that things are serious and may lead to consequences for your marriage if things do not change. If your father is the one to convey the above ideas, then he will understand that things have progressed to a more serious level.

          On your part, you may also want to try different techniques for responding to your husband's questions. There are books with exercises that can help. One of the hallmarks of OCD is that the person constantly seeks out reassurance through incessant questioning as you have described in your post. But when you reassure the person, you are actually feeding into the illness instead of helping the anxiety go away.

          The good news is that OCD can usually be controlled with the right approach and treatment.

          Someone close to me suffers from this condition but has it under control through medication. It was a long and arduous journey, and there were times when things were so bad that I could not imagine that life would ever return to normal.

          But it did, by Allah's will.

          So, have hope for the future. Others have been where you are and recovered.

          I do not know whether you and your husband are compatible or not. This is really a different issue. But there comes a time in every relationship when you have to stop reliving unpleasant moments from the past and deal with each other on a more mature level. This is especially true for people who got married young, before they really grew up. As the years go by, it becomes less and less relevant who said what and why on a particular day in the past.

          If you want to make things work, open your heart again, and put aside any minor differences that you can live with. Give it another try, and do it with passion and commitment. Pour out your troubles while in sujood, and ask Allah SWT to show you the way.

          Eventually, you will know where you stand. But do not neglect yourself in the process. As I mentioned above, you need outlets, too...and it is important for your husband to grant these. Make it one of your conditions...but also stay away from harm. Your life is valuable and should not be wasted. You also need to take care of your child and protect him.

          • 1.) He has that excuse only if he loses his mind. Even if he did "lose his mind", he would be held accountable for not praying when he comes back to his senses.

            He is mentally ill and does not pray or fast; what is the ruling?: https://islamqa.info/en/193006

            If this fatwa was given to one who has bipolar psychosis, then what about one who has OCD?

            OCD is waswas.

            https://islamqa.info/en/200949

            https://youtu.be/7WQE-Fx5uT8

            https://www.missionislam.com/health/compulsivedisorder.htm

            2.) As was mentioned earlier, there is an abundance of evidence to show that one who leaves salah (even if they consider it obligatory) is a kafir. What Rasoolullah (salallahu alayhi wasallam) said in 2 ahadith is very clear. *Please* read the following.

            "Among the evidence to be found in the Qur’aan is:

            The aayah (interpretation of the meaning):

            “But if they repent [by rejecting Shirk (polytheism) and accept Islamic Monotheism], perform As-Salaat (Iqaamat-as-Salaat) and give Zakaat, then they are your brethren in religion.” [al-Tawbah 9:11]

            The evidence derived from this aayah is that Allaah defined three things that the Mushrikeen have to do in order to eliminate the differences between them us: they should repent from shirk, they should perform prayer, and they should pay zakaah. If they repent from shirk but they do not perform the prayer or pay zakaah, then they are not our brethren in faith; if they perform the prayer but do not pay zakaah, then they are not our brethren in faith. Brotherhood in religion cannot be effaced except when a person goes out of the religion completely; it cannot be effaced by fisq (immoral conduct) or lesser types of kufr.

            Allaah also says (interpretation of the meaning):

            “Then, there has succeeded them a posterity who have given up As-Salaat (the prayers) [i.e. made their Salaat (prayers) to be lost, either by not offering them or by not offering them perfectly or by not offering them in their proper fixed times] and have followed lusts. So they will be thrown in Hell. Except those who repent and believe (in the Oneness of Allaah and His Messenger Muhammad), and work righteousness. Such will enter Paradise and they will not be wronged in aught.” [Maryam 19:59-60]

            The evidence derived from this aayah is that Allaah referred to those who neglect the prayer and follow their desires, Except those who repent and believe, which indicates that at the time when they are neglecting their prayers and following their desires, they are not believers.

            The evidence of the Sunnah that proves that the one who neglects the prayer is a kaafir includes the hadeeth of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Between a man and shirk and kufr there stands his neglect of the prayer.” (Narrated by Muslim in Kitaab al-Eemaan from Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)).

            It was narrated that Buraydah ibn al-Husayb (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: ‘The covenant that distinguishes between us and them is the prayer, and whoever neglects it has disbelieved (become a kaafir).’” (It was narrated by Ahmad, Abu Dawood, al-Tirmidhi, al-Nisaa’i and Ibn Maajah). What is meant here by kufr or disbelief is the kind of kufr which puts a person beyond the pale of Islam, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) made prayer the dividing line between the believers and the disbelievers. It is known that the community of kufr is not the same as the community of Islam, so whoever does not fulfil this covenant must be one of the kaafireen (disbelievers).

            There is also the hadeeth of ‘Awf ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him), according to which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of your leaders are those whom you love and who love you, who pray for you and you pray for them. The worst of your leaders are those whom you hate and who hate you, and you send curses on them and they send curses on you.” He was asked, “O Messenger of Allaah, should we not fight them by the sword?” He said, “Not as long as they are establishing prayer amongst you.”

            This hadeeth indicates that those in authority should be opposed and fought if they do not establish prayer, but it is not permissible to oppose and fight them unless they make a blatant show of kufr and we have evidence from Allaah that what they are doing is indeed kufr. ‘Ubaadah ibn al-Saamit said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) called us and we gave bay’ah (oath of allegiance) to him. Among the things that we pledged to do was to listen and obey him both when we felt enthusiastic and when we were disinclined to act, both at times of difficulty and times of ease, and at times when others were given preference over us, and that we would not oppose those in authority. He said: ‘unless they made a blatant show of kufr and you have evidence from Allaah that what they are doing is indeed kufr.’” (Agreed upon). On this basis, their neglecting the prayer, for which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said we should oppose them and fight them by the sword, constitutes an act of blatant kufr for which we have evidence from Allaah that it is indeed kufr.

            If someone were to say: is it not permissible to interpret the texts about a person who neglects prayer being a kaafir as referring to the one who neglects the prayer because he does not think it is obligatory?

            We would say: it is not permissible to interpret the texts in this way because there are two reservations about this interpretation:

            it involves ignoring the general description that the Lawgiver took into consideration and to which the ruling was connected. The ruling that the person who neglects prayer is a kaafir is connected to the action of neglecting prayer, not to his denial of it being obligatory. Brotherhood in religion is based on performing the prayer, not on whether a person declares it to be obligatory. Allaah did not say, “If they repent and state that the prayer is obligatory”, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did not say “Between a man and shirk and kufr there stands his denial that the prayer is obligatory” or “The covenant that distinguishes between us and them is our statement that the prayer is obligatory, so whoever denies that it is obligatory has disbelieved.”"

          • As-salamu Alaykum,

            Dear Umm Abdur Rahman,

            The poster does not have a method of looking inside of her husband's mind to judge the moments he is capable of praying but doesn't want to and distinguish them from the moments he is overwhelmed by his illness. And the general pattern with OCD sufferers is that they do not listen to logic or reason. They are aware of their problems but do not necessarily process information the same way other people do. Their overall behavior is influenced by OCD even if they do not say anything to show it. Even when they are "cured," it is still an uphill battle for the people who suffer.

            No one, including any scholar or doctor, is in a position to say what goes through another person's mind.

            I strongly object to calling this person a kafir. And I strongly object to saying this woman is committing zina by remaining with her husband. The extent of Allah SWT's mercy is so great that she may be reaping incredible rewards for remaining patient and taking care of her husband in his current state.

            This is all I wish to convey.

          • As was mentioned earlier, OCD is not insanity. Responsibilities are waived if one has lost their mind, please read the fatawa that were mentioned. OCD is waswas.

            "The extent of Allah SWT's mercy is so great that she may be reaping incredible rewards for remaining patient and taking care of her husband in his current state."

            Don't give her wrong ideas. There is enough proof that OCD does not waive one from their responsibilities. All you've said is that you cannot look into his mind while the fatwa stated that one with bipolar psychosis does not have the excuse of leaving salah. Bipolar psychosis is not just waswas while OCD is. He is not insane, if he was insane she'd definitely know it. Even if he was and he did come back to reality after bouts of insanity, he'd still be responsible for salah. So unless you're saying the whole time he stopped praying he was insane, I suggest you stop advising her to remain in a relationship with him. If he was insane it would be very obvious. He would not be able to function properly in society.

            "It says in al-Mawsoo’ah al-Fiqhiyyah:

            The fuqaha (jurists) are unanimously agreed that insanity is like unconsciousness and sleep, rather it is more severe in the loss of free will, and it makes whatever he says invalid. For the one who is sleeping, all his verbal statements, such as divorce, becoming Muslim, turning apostate, selling, buying, etc, are invalid."

            "In al-Mawsoo‘ah al- Fiqhiyyah (16/99) it says, defining insanity:

            "It says also in al-Mawsoo‘ah al-Fiqhiyyah, 17/92:
            ...Ibn Qudaamah said: Ahmad said: The elderly man who has lost his mind should be declared legally incompetent and be denied access to his wealth; his case is like that of one who is insane, because as a result of that he is unable to handle his wealth in a proper manner and protect it. Hence he is akin to the minor and feebleminded.
            End quote from al-Mughni, 6/610 "

            "In al-Mawsoo‘ah al- Fiqhiyyah (16/99) it says, defining insanity:

            With regard to (fiqhi) terminology, the fuqaha’ and usooliyyeen defined it in various ways, such as:

            It is mental disorder, in such a way that the person cannot do or say things properly, except rarely.

            And it was said that insanity is loss of the ability to distinguish between right and wrong or to recognize their consequences."

            From this you can see that the scholars regard the insane one as one who is absolutely out of it. If her husband was in this state, he would not have common sense let alone a job.

            The insane would not be able to handle his wealth... So how is it that this sister does not complain of such things if you would say he is insane? Again, OCD is waswas.

            How can you "reap rewards" if you're commiting zina and socializing with a non-mahram? Stop advsing her to stay in this relationship. He is not insane and he is responsible for his actions. This sister should not remain in this relationship as this is very dangerous for her to be in. Zina is not a light matter.

          • As-salamu Alaykum,

            Dear Umm Abdur Rahman,

            When you and I read the sister's post, we see two different things.

            I read the links you posted and also do not interpret them the same way you do.

            I do not want to label OCD a form of insanity because that may not be medically accurate...but it is a mental disorder with a neurological basis that responds to treatment. And many people with OCD do not function well in society at all. They frequently lose their jobs, drop out of school, and have other severe problems.

            When your spouse is unhealthy for any reason, you should try to help them out.

            When you feel that your spouse is doing something wrong, you should try to offer advice.

            Even if you have a healthy, mentally stable spouse who does something wrong, you should strive to help that person improve.

            Yes, there are limits, but you should try different approaches before giving up. That takes time and commitment.

            My intention is not to argue with you as I can see that you are committed to your position.

            But I doubt you have ever dealt with this problem.

            And I would advise rereading the link you posted for more insight:

            https://islamqa.info/en/200949

          • I am not responding to you for the sake of arguing, I only reply because I would hate for the sister to be mislead on such a serious matter. If it wasn't a heavy topic, I would not care very much.

            "Based on that, this man is not to be deemed an apostate, unless he says or does something to indicate disbelief at the time when he is aware of what he is doing, and he says or does it voluntarily. In that case he would be deemed an apostate and would bear full responsibility for his words or deeds."

            So you will tell me that he is forced to not pray because of the waswas? Even if waswas was making it hard in him to pray, then he would have to combine prayers. No sane person has the excuse of missing prayers as was already described in the fatwa about one with bipolar psychosis and we have already gone over what is required when declaring someone insane. Even if he did lose his mind, he would still have to make up thise prayers.

            The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him): “The Pen has been lifted from three: from the sleeper until he awakens, from the child until he reaches puberty and from the insane person until he comes to his senses -- or until he comes round.” Narrated by Abu Dawood (4403), al-Nasaa’i (3432) and Ibn Maajah (2041). Classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.

            Insanity has already been described in the previous post.

            Since he is not insane, how can he be excused in missing salah?

            "In the mean while I had noticed that he was laid back when it came to salat and Quran." The fact that she said "laid back" implies that sometimes he'd pray but other times he wouldn't. Does this not indicate that he is capable of praying?

            https://islamqa.info/en/193006

            "It should be noted that the individual is responsible for all of his deeds before his Lord, may He be glorified and exalted, so long as he is aware of what he is saying or doing. His illness is not an excuse for him to commit whatever sins he wants, such as neglecting the prayer, backbiting and spreading malicious gossip. … The individual has no argument against his Lord, may He be glorified and exalted; rather Allah has the perfect proof and argument against all His creation."

            "But if he loses his mind sometimes, and is of sound mind sometimes, then he is excused at the times when he loses his mind, but when he comes back to his senses the excuse is no longer applicable, and he has to offer the prayer that is currently due and make up the prayers that he missed during the time when he lost his mind."

            Again, if this is said about the one with bipolar psychosis, then what about the one with waswas? Will you tell me that shaytan has completely taken over him to the point where everytime he has to pray, he is totally out of it? He has an excuse if he does not know what he is doing. So how is it that he can manage his life for example, money but not salah? So he cannot control himself in regards to salah but not he can function fine in other areas? If he could not funtion well in other areas then this sister would be complaining about much more than his controlling behavior.

            "My husband was diagnosed with OCD. People think OCD was only about staying clean and leading an organised life. How wrong they are. My husband didn't let go of the past ever.till this date he holds on to past memories and taunts me everytime. But yes, he had OCD and it had increased to an extent that he was obsessed.... but about me.
            He couldn't bear that I'd ever break any of his promises so he wanted and still wants reassurance every day that I'd always remember his promises till I die and I've already said this about more than 5000 times in 5 years and I am not exaggerating. I get asked like at least ten times everyday. He also took a promise from me that if I ever divorce him or he dies I would never marry anyone again. I don't mind. It's not like I never thought about it. I know he tried back then to get better,to improve but he couldn't. The medicine's took a toll on him and he stopped taking them and thing's got normal maybe even worse. It's been five years now and he still remains the same. He still doesn't practice Islam accept if it is a lecture about hijab then he listens to it and makes me hear it too even though I already cover myself up."

            When mentioning his illness, she says that he is obsessed about her. In her own words, this is what she says his OCD effects. She never said it took a toll on his deen. She never said he struggles to practice because he keeps getting waswas that he did not make wudu properly or that he broke wudu. The fact that he says that he does not practice at all goes to show that he does not even try. The one who abandons salah out of laziness is a kafir.

          • Either way, in the end this all boils down to what the sister is going to do. Both stances have been made clear so I am sure there is no point in going on. Asalamu aleikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

  3. Assalamalekum

    Wow sister you are one brave lady..
    You will be rewarded for your seBer, determination, love and streangth.

    Life is a test and It's a test for you and you will be rewarded for in this world and here after. Allah will not test you more them your ability.He test the strongest.

    “Allah puts no burden on any soul beyond what He has given him. After a difficulty, Allah will soon grant ease.”
    — Qur’an (65:7) (via the-fault-in-our-iman)

    I will pray that your husband get cured of his OCD and appreciate you. One day he will InshaAllah .Or perhaps your son will be your joy.
    Read
    Salamun Qulam mirrRabbir -Raheem

    Wasalam..

  4. Your husband should get some therapy done, u both should go for conselling and he should get rukya spirital healing from the sunnah done. Get things sorted before it's too late for u and ur son

  5. As Salam Alaikum,

    Wow, are you a writer/ a novelist? I tell you, I could not stop reading your story even though it was long.

    What a story, you are a hero, an inspiration for a all the wife out there, a strength that you should never give up on your marriage. And I am sure may Allah (swt) will give you reward in this world and here after.

    You are telling us all this because you just want to let it out, you just want some one to hear you, And sister we are with you, and our prayer is with you. Especially mine because I know how much it hurt when you get divorce, and I pray to Allah (swt) that no one get divorce and their marriages fill with abidance of joys and happiness.

    Have you ever try telling him that his behavior is hurting you?

    Bravo to you again,
    Take care

    Allah hafiz..

  6. Perhaps you feel youre being a martyr that it is a good thing to destroy your wellbeing for a man who isnt obeying Allah. I can tell you are an amazing and optimistic person but to want what is best for your son is someone who will teach him Islam, and what you are going through is abuse, on many levels, I would seek advice from a respected scholar or imam not a cultural one. It is good to keep families together but there are limits, divorce was given as a mercy and a way out, as the ayah states in surah Talaq. Sister yasmin mogahed has done a couple of talks on sisters leaving abusive marriages - perhaps they will help you, in sha Allah. May Allah make it easy for you

  7. I suspect that your husband does not only have OCD, but also a narcisstic persoanlity disorder. This Comes with a sense of entitlement to special treatment and obedience from others. He tries to cut you off from your family, etc. to have your Attention all for himself. The same mechanism enables him to be very nice to you at times, because he gains your Attention and admiration with it, but at the same time he still lacks empathy and understanding for your needs. You need either to divorce him or make clear to him that he is in need of psychotherapy by a specialist, and that you will leave him for good if he does not. There is no chance of anything of this getting any better without proper Treatment by a specialist. Being a good wife and being patient will not help at all. However, Keep your expectations low. Such people usually don`t acknowledge that anything is wrong with them and are often unwilling to make a therapy.

    • Sister may Allah SWT remove your suffering and pain quickly. My wife also has very severe ocd and it's all based around contamination. Started around 2 years ago, and at times it feels like hell on earth. Why, you may ask? She thinks things that are touched are contaminated, most of her day is consumed with cleaning around the house and washing her hands. Myself and the children also have to be very mindful around what we do around her. From the moment I walk into the house from work it feels like a prison. There are certain areas where I can only sit, can't do what normal people do for granted like help myself to things in the kitchen, touch taps, light switch, open/close curtains. It all has to be done by her. In her company not allowed to handle money or go shopping. Everything is centred around her OCD. She has been seeking treatment but as its extremely severe, she may never be the same again. We argue a lot and its not good for our children. Imagine someone micromanaging you when they are around you. So many times I feel like just walking out, but I fear the unknown. She cannot stop what she is doing and if her anxiety is high. I know Allah SWT tests us in many ways, but this test is such that If I leave i would miss my kids and the family would break and If I stay then I don't think I could tolerate this for the rest of my life.Although I wouldn't have a problem seeing my children, making that decision is so difficult. I am in my early forties and the thought of starting all over again is scary.

      • Brother, be patient as your wife continues to seek treatment. Her treatment should be regular and consistent. This problem can be controlled and lessened with psychotherapy (cognitive behavior therapy) plus anti-depressant medication such as Prozac or Zoloft. Find a health professional who has had specific training in OCD management. May Allah help you and make it easier.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • JazakAllah for your reply, its very difficult and over time it has had a very negative impact on our relationship.Our marriage is pretty much destroyed, there is intimacy or affection due to her OCD and the quality time spent together is almost none existent.Although she has been seeking treatment and understands now its affecting her and myself. She cannot stop what she is doing, even though aware of the consequences. Allah SWT knows best whatever the outcome.

      • As-salamu Alaykum,

        Since you have children, I am assuming you have been married for a while - while the OCD is something more recent as you indicated that the problem only began two years ago. This means that you have, Insha'Allah, experienced a normal relationship with your wife.

        I want to reiterate that there is treatment available for OCD. If your wife's current therapy is not working (or consistent, as mentioned by Br. Wael), then you need to be more aggressive about getting the right treatment. There are about 9 different medications available for OCD, and it would be very unusual if at least one of them did not work. She may need a different medication or a higher dose of the one she is currently taking - and if she is not taking medication, then you need to switch doctors ASAP. In fact, you may consider seeing a neurologist, as they will approach the problem from a different perspective. Once she starts taking the right medication, it could take up to a month to start seeing improvement.

        Be careful about therapy as well! If she is receiving "talk" therapy, this can result in increased problems for a person with OCD. Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is more appropriate. Part of CBT involves exposing the person with OCD to the things that bother them, and you can do your part at home by not caving into her demands. Do not argue, but inform her that you will live your life normally and touch whatever you want to touch in the house. And then let her deal with her own emotions. Do not even reassure her, as this is also problematic. She will be very upset in the beginning, but you will be helping her in the long run, Insha'Allah. There are some good books you can read to explain this in more detail.

        As I mentioned above, someone close to me suffered from OCD, and it was probably the biggest trial of my entire life. If you had seen this person, you would have thought that there was no hope for their recovery. This person was unable to receive CBT in our location but was treated through medication, which they continue to take now. Alhumdulellah, it is working, and life is back to normal. When I think of my own experience with this, I wish that I could help all people with OCD. It is such a nasty and misunderstood condition, and I truly empathize with everything you wrote here.

        But please do not give up on your wife. Be her strongest advocate, and make sincere prayers to Allah SWT while in sujood. Ramadan is coming up, and it is the best time ever for all of your sincere prayers to be accepted.

        If you abandon your wife at her time of greatest need, your children will lose their mother and grow up in very complicated circumstances. Please keep this in mind. Also, I believe it is acceptable to send your children to live with other people while you sort this out. Your wife should understand that there are consequences to not getting treatment. Tell her that she MUST get treatment in order for your marriage to continue, and then make sure you facilitate this for her.

        Above all, have HOPE. When things finally worked out for us through getting the right treatment, things went back to normal very quickly...and a few years later, it is like nothing ever happened.

        This can happen for you, too, Insha'Allah. Do not believe anyone, even a doctor, who says your wife cannot recover.

        • I appreciate what you are saying, the problem is that she has refused to take any type of medication. Does not believe the pills are the solution, and she is a pharmacist. It's gone way past the approach of me telling her that I will touch things, she loses it and gets hysterical and anxious. I keep telling her that I want to live life normally, but she says I am being selfish and the only way that can happen is by me leaving. Even though she is receiving CBT, there are so many things that have an impact on me cannot be stopped. If I do anything out of the norm, all hell breaks loose, anger, anxiety, panic attacks and swearing. Tensions are extreme to say the least, like living in a prison. People don't understand when I try to explain. I have spoken to a very well known mufti, he suggested that this can't carry on and recommended a separation and take it from there. This is a completely different level I am talking about, also had confirmed from 3 reliable sources that there is no outside influences.

          • I totally understand. A person with OCD will often refuse medication. But medication is probably what will allow her to get better, Insha'Allah.

            If there is a way you could force her into treatment (like an "intervention"), she could probably be helped.

            Also, if she has any respected colleagues who are doctors/pharmacists/etc., perhaps they could convince her to try medication for a trial-period. Her parents or family might also be of help if they understand the issue. Have they seen her OCD behaviors?

            The person I mentioned above also did not want to take medication, but we took him to a doctor (a neurologist) whom he really liked and connected with. He was able to explain the treatment in a way that made sense. He still resisted, however, so we kind of had to "force" him to honor the prescription.

            As a pharmacist, your wife surely understands that certain conditions require medication - and if she had bipolar, schizophrenia, etc., she'd want someone to help her with this.

            If you tell your wife that you will leave unless she agrees to try medication, what would her reaction be? What does her therapist say about medication?

            When I was going through this issue, the following website helped me a great deal:

            http://www.ocduk.org/

            There is a support forum and a lot of information in general that I found helpful.

  8. JazakAllah for your response. I have tried various approaches, she has flatly refused to take any type of medication.Her parents are aware of her behaviours and extremities, they have tried to make her understand. My wife tells me I don't support her, at the beginning things were ok. As she got worse, I have started to feel down and helpless and don't have the strength to try. I keep my distance as it can lead to arguments and then she loses it by raising her voice and swearing. She understands that what she is doing is wrong and also knows that life is very isolated, I feel bitter and angry at snap at her at times due to the controlled life i am living.This is not like me as I'm calm and patient person, her OCD has brings out the worst in me. But she can't give up things that have such an impact, Quite simply put by her, that if I can't live like this I am free to leave as she cannot compromise. It's getting harder day by day. She understands that it's a test from Allah and maybe her ease will come if I am gone, i am threatened that if I leave I may suffer from Allah.we hardly communicate or get along and maybe it's written for us to be apart. Allah SWT know best. To all those reading this, please try to make dua especially in this holy month of ramadan

    • Assalaamualaykum Brother in need,

      The road to accepting ones mental illness is a long one strewn with many obstacles, but it is inevitable that your wife will eventually seek treatment of her own accord once she has no other choice. You have been very patient in trying to help her before she reaches that state, but truthfully, most people with mental illness don't accept treatment until they've reached a very low point or rock bottom. For the sufferers' close ones, it is a fine line between being compassionate or understanding and enabling the person to continue without treatment. I believe she has to accept some tough love from you in the form of an ultimatum or temporary separation in the short run in order to live more comfortably in the long run.

      I will make a dua for you that you wife is cured and that your family is blessed with peace.

      Best,

      Nor

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