Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have to walk behind my husband

unhappy wife

Hi, I do not know where to start from. This is the first time i have ever joined any sort of online forum for advice but it’s because I have nobody and I seriously am going mad and need to speak to someone. I'm 31 ys old, growing up I had the best upbringing went to uni, had a job for the last 8 years as a teacher and like every other girl was waiting for a nice guy to get to know and marry.

4ys ago I met my current husband through a friend in my country and later on after he returned to dubai we started chatting on the net after he told me about him seeking a good muslim Arab wife. He then came to visit me several times koz being from 2 different countries we couldn't just jump into marriage the first day he came to meet we had loads of paper work to do prior to marriage. We were so crazily in love and all we wanted to do is to get married and be with each other every minute of the day for the rest of our lives.

After I got married, I stayed a whole year away from him which was very hard koz i couldn't leave work without notice but I used to visit my hubby on holidays. I was still staying with my parents who never agreed to this marriage koz of him being a foreigner who they knew nothing about plus koz he was already married with kids (which is another subject. His 1st wife having a medical problem and allowing him getting a second wife) 3 ys ago i gave up my job, sold my car, left my family and friends and everything to join my husband and live happily ever after.

The first few months we were happy like most couples at the beginning of their marriage. I had some reservations about few things and started noticing changes in the way he sees things and his way of thinking. But i never said nothing koz i didn't want my husband to think that i'm already complaining or looking for excuses to argue or.....but slowly slowly month after month n year after year my hubby is nothing like the person I met. He used to be so bubbly lively cheerful happy fun but only in my country. We would go out, eat out, .go to cinemas, but as soon as i came to Dubai, I had to face the truth and find out about my real husband and what surprises he had for me.

I have to say that my hubby is the kindest nicest man but he just refuses to understand me or my needs or what i feel like or what I need and as a result we always end up fighting. He is originally from Pakistan and I have to say that I never thought that our cultures n habits and way of thinking were so different so  it was a cultural shock for me. When I first got here I had to wear niqab to cover the face and also had to wear a black jilbab. Alhamdulillah I'm a veiled girl and have always been and that's how he knew me before i got married. I always wore respectable clothes but they just didn't have to be exclusively black and at the same time I never wore bright colours orange or red. I always dressed up in a modest descent respectable loose clothes to go to work and visit family or go out with my friends.. I didn't need anybody to tell me what to wear koz alhamdulillah i know what my clothes are supposed to be like.

To my surprise i had to wear what he bought me after marriage. I never wanted to but it was just few days i came to join him and i really didnt want to argue about it. I also had to wear Asian clothes all the time..MY GOD. I just don't wanna spend loads of time on detalis koz i can go on and on and on. I was also told that I can't leave the house to go anywhere, I can't do my own shopping like I used to. I agreed ok again trying to be a good wife. I know that all I should do is inform my husband when I'm going out but anyway i was banned from leaving the house. I also can't have friends or talk or see neighbours. NOTHING.

The reason for all of the restrictions is his CULTURE, this culture I could never understand and that I have never been part of...i accepted everything but I just expected him to take me out every now and then once a month or every few months…NO I just very sad n miserable all the time whenever I say something about me needing a social life outside the house, needing to breathe, see ppl all he would say is that this is what the women in is culture do, stay home, clean, cook after the kids and hubby full stop.

I hated him many times koz of the way he spoke to me n treated me like a bag of rubbish. He always told me this is my life from now on so I just have to get on with it n be happy with my fate and whatever Allah has written for me n that he is a good husband and I am lucky to be his wife n LOADS of upsetting things that I really hated him for .....but it just got worse and worse. His family never accepted me ....never came to visit me...or rung me....just bekoz i am not Asian and another reason being his first wife changing her mind few days or weeks before we signed our marriage paper. So his parents told him they are not dealing with me...i visited them few times n rung them...trying to have a relationship bt i have never been wanted there which hurt me and upset me and depressed me a lot.

What killed me even more is that I had my first baby 6 months ago and his parents never felt the need to bond with her or come to visit or they only came twice in the last 6months UNBELIEVABLE….i had  post partum depression for like 3 or 4 months n I was ready to take my girl and leave for good back to my parents n I was thinking this guy i married against my parents will n I already told mom n dad n made it clear to them that i will never go crying to them or regret what i have done koz i am sure he is the one to make me happy.

But yes my mom was was too fast and they knew nothing about his background or family or culture...but to tell the truth i never thought that its is going to be such a huge thing. I mean the cultural differences...i would really advise anybody marrying from a different culture to take their time and find out as much as they can about what it is going to be like after I said i have been extremely depressed after delivery of the baby, had to deal with loads of issues on my own.

Can't say nothing to mom on the phone koz i do not want her to worry about me n bekoz I love her more than anything in the world. I always lie to her n make up things about the help i get from his mom n family....koz it'll really kill her to now that i have nobody to look after me.

The fighting in the house has gone from bad to worse...we fight almost every day…he just always refuses to understand my emotions n that i need some1 to talk to...all he says to me is that i do not appreciate nothing in life and that i am a bad wife and do not listen to my husband....full stop... n....a lot of stuff that really hurt me koz he has changed a lot from the man I married....since we got married i been locked up in this prison...never have fun together or enjoy anything together. He never takes me out...we had like hundreds of fights about that he just doesnt understand that it not acceptable or possible 4 me not to breathe or go every few months he would take me for a drive or to the market n he has to walk ahead n me behind him or...GHHhhhhhhhhhhh it is pathetic even typing it.

What I mean is that he never meant to take me out, to make me happy, to do something outside, to just wake up in the morn and go somewhere on the weekend....i never seen anything like this before...i always had the freedom and independence own car my own job my own money ...went out ..ate out with family and friends...everything i talk to him about he keeps saying..oh our people don't  do this or that...that it is culturally wrong....

I don’t even wanna mention the problems his first wife is creating every now and then especially after the baby was born koz again to my surprise he was not allowd to have kids with me ….it’s a hell of a lot of rubbish that anybody can deal with …I cursed myself n wished for death many times koz I keep asking God why did I put myself in this relationship…I am the victim in the middle of this rubbish…they had problems and he had consent to find a new wife (but I never knew about the fact that she had to be Asian)…I should have never agreed to getting myself into this mess…I stopped praying for that now koz I have Alhamdulilah a beautiful baby now to look after .

I am sick to death of everything....i am sooooooooooo lonely angry, so depressed, i just try to get through each day....i have no idea what to do please PLEASE help me i would really appreciate any comments anything  from  anybody.......just so impatient to hear ur responses.


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23 Responses »

  1. Assalam-o-Alaikum Sister Mayasophia . I understand it must be very hard for you but you must keep hope and faith in Allah(swt) Sister Mayasophia I understand your issue but in life if we don't make mistakes we can never learn. Please don't blame yourself . Take care of yourself Alhamdullilah you have a beautiful baby you must take care of. To be honest ,please don't mind what I say. I believe you should have told your mother the truth , I kn ow it would make her worried but you need to realize sooner or later she will find out. I think no one can give you the best advice then your mother.After all parents want the best for us .they pray to god to give us every happiness in the world and believe me the best solution can be given by only one person your Mother. I will remember you in your prayers . May Allah fulfill all your desires and give you happiness. Ameen. 🙂

  2. Salam Sister,

    You can't go can't have can't talk to your neighbors....what is this? This is not Islam! No wonder you are depressed! It seems this man liked what he saw in you enough to ask you to be his wife yet, he seems to want to change everything about you now that you are married.

    Although you may not want to involve your family at this point, as a mother myself...I think you should. It is not healthy for you to have no one to talk to and feel that you are alone in this. Maybe your family can help in some way...maybe not. I know if you were my daughter, I would want you to pick up that phone. In my prayers you remain.


  3. Salam.Maya.This is a nice issue,u got above opinions.I do have an opinion.It doesn't matter u like or don't.
    Beleave me,home is a best place for a mother&her kids. Why?safe,tension free,home sweet home.Pl always think +ve.The ladies.who go outdoor,for any reason,are more than50%trapped in difftt involements. Allah love all humen beings more than the parent.If u made a decision,as an adult for ur life,its ok.
    Be always thankfull to Allah.
    Obey ur husband.He is not as ,u are now fealing.Ur baby is a nice home partner4u.Pl learn to smile in all situations,U will find life v happy.I do pray4ur whole family&request u to pl do pray4me.Thanks.


    • Syed - Your views are exactly as her husband's are, so clearly you can be of no help to the sister. I spend 50% if not more of my time out door - I am not 'trapped in different involvements' as you say. Where did you get this crazy and ridiculous statistic from? All the sister is saying is that she would like to 'live life' with her husband. She is not saying that she wants to go out clubbing and partying. And this idea that a woman should walk behind her husband is absolutely ridiculous and insane.

      Mayasophia - Your husband is not behaving the way he is because he is Pakistani. He is behaving this way because he is a male chauvenist who is stuck in a pre-dated male dominated sexist world. I have three very nice Pakistani brother in laws who are nothing like what you have described of your husband. They are all very 'equal' with their wives maasha'Allah.

      I advise this: Wake up one morning, read your Fajr, pray istikhara and calm your nerves. You are not going to argue with your husband, you are just going to tell him exactly how you feel and how 'you' propose to deal with it. Tell him that when you married him, you had no idea that he was going to change and become the 'restrictive' husband that he is. Remind him that Islam does not promote this or encourage this at all. Furthermore that you are happy to do the housework but that you want to pursue your own hobbies too, that you want to meet your friends, go shopping, go to classes, and you want to do things together with him too. You did not and do not expect the rest of your life to be tied to the kitchen sink - you are his wife, not his 'house maid'. Tell him that you want to be with the man you knew when he married you.

      If he shows no sign of understanding, I advise you to take a trip to your mother's house and let him figure what he wants in life. In the meantime, strengthen yourself through deen and relaxtion. No marriage is worth cursing yourself over.

      SisterZ Editor

    • As salamu alaikum,

      I am telling you, this answer makes me claustrophobic. Please, I need some fresh air.

      Thank you ALLAH for letting me see the amazing world You created.


      • Dear friends,
        my above comment was intended to the answer given by Syed to sister Mayasophia.

        You all have a blessed day.


    • salaam brother
      this does not mean that the husband does not show effection and love towards his wife in perticulary in the house

  4. Salam sister
    I can't imagine the pain and loneliness your going through
    It's easy for people to say accept the situation, your safe in your home etc but you as a wife have rights aswell

    Firstly your husband is using the cultural factor as a excuse, for not allowing you to leave the house and have contact with society!it could be that the women in his household stay at home,cook,clean,walk behind there husbands and he's never been subjected to anything different and believe this is the way a man/wife relationship should be but not all Pakistanis live like this believe me .i myself am like you but Pakistani and I guess my life is how you lived before marriage independent,job,own money,going out with friends .. I can't say whether things will be so easy for me once I do get married slowly things do have to cut down but this doesn't mean that you can't go out or meet people etc! Did you both speak about life after marriage when before you got together? I can understand why your lonely feeling disconnected with the world is a awful feeling and  I don't know how you can reason with your husband or change his views for him to understand your emotional needs many men cant.

    It's unfortunate that he isn't the same guy you married and after marriage the honeymoon period fizzles out.. They say when you live with the person you know how they are truly. But he's not willing to reason and is stuck in his ways and day in day out your guys marriage is full of strain! You need to think what do u want now? You have a beautiful baby, the outside world contact is important..your questioning your self as you don't have no support from in laws, it will be best if you speak to your mother. Like a sister said above mothers are the best for advice and won't turn away when your in despair you need emotional support and guidance from people that care. You have alot of things to battle with your husband,his views,culture,family,inlaws, first wife and your inner self! You need to break things down not break your self! You being once independent heads strong gain some courage to tackle things your not on your own believe me Allah is watching your struggle! Even tho it feels like there's no hope just keep faith! Keep close to the people that matter they won't turn there backs .. If the outside world is closed to you open the doors, I.e your family! Speak to them again you will feel alot better
    Praying for you

    • Sister I think u should leave him I have similar problem with my Pakistani husband and I was thinking like u, about not worry my parents I did everything for this man left my family, school n friends moved from Sweden to england, he also was like ur husband first time I met him he was wonderful and funny n ect now astagfirullah he is different I hate him cuz he is like a stranger to me I was planning to divorce him n I fell pregnant same with his family cuz I'm "white" they always trash talk about with people n r so disrespectful I regret so much I should have listen to my parents I want divorce but I'm pregnat 11 weeks, my husband was married n had 1 child n his family is freaking inviting Her to weddings n ect but u have it worst then me get the hell out of there n go home to ur parents that man sees more that culture is imported n religion! Inform ur mom now! That man will never Change like my husband

  5. Salaam my Sister,

    I am sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. For me, the underlying problem here is that you have moved away from all your sources of support, friendship and companionship (your family) and so really, any issue you have with your husband will not be a fair fight because you have no support and your life is currently dependent on him, which gives him a lot of power over you.

    Unfortunately, it takes a person of exceptional goodness to be able to resist the temptations of being able to get away with whatever form of behaviour they want: and you husband seems to have given into this temptation - his treatment of you is lazy, and it seems that he can't be bothered to have a relationship or even so much as a friendship with you and is leaving you to deal with everything without recognising your natural human need for interaction, affection and companionship.

    My advise to you is as others have already said: to contact your family and be honest with them. Invite them to visit - it will give you relief to see them and speak to them. Be honest with your mother, she is there for you and she loves you enormously and she will be a source of strength for you.

    In regards to your husband - I think it is clear that he will not respond to what you ask of him, so I would advise that you quit that and begin to seek a source of happiness outside of your relationship (such as by reconnecting in honesty with your family and seeking their company, help and advice).

    It is not your fault that you could not see the future: who out of all of us can see the future? What you can do now is try to reconnect yourself with sources of power and happiness that you have cut yourself off from and slowly slowly build up your self esteem and confidence until you find in yourself a sensation of strength rather than weakness.

    For now, pick up the phone - call Mum and start talking honestly. Let it all out - you will be amazed at how many doors and options will suddenly open for you.

    We all make mistakes and errors in judgement , and we should not be angry or upset with ourselves when this happens, this is inevitable and everyone does it. What is important is that once we have recognised that we have made error, and we can identify our mistakes - that we take action to remedy our situation and ask for help when we need it.


    Editor, Islamic Answers

  6. Salam Sister

    It must be very hard to be in a relationship like this. No matter what though, always stay strong.

    You should be able to go back to your parents. Its not about ego or embarrassment. Your daughter should not think that this is acceptable. A husband in islam is not even permitted to ask the wife to cook for him. A wife and mother should be treated with love and respect. If your daughter grows up watching this then she will think that it is okay for her husband to treat her this way. I would not want my daughters treated this way so your mother should understand and accept you back easily.

    I wish you the best

    Allah Hafiz

  7. Your post is not funny sister., but when i read this "so every few months he would take me for a drive or to the market and he has to walk ahead and me behind him or GHHhhhhh" i just had to pulse and laugh... May be your husband is not that social as you expect him to be.... Any way sister i just want to tell you to persever and try to adjust your self a little bit.. You admitted that he's a very good and kind man.. The life of this world is short sister, no one is expecting him or her self to leave upto 150 years.. "...AND THE LIFE OF THIS WORLD IS ONLY A DECEIVING ENJOYMENT" koran57:20... There is absolutely nothing like enjoyment in this world when you think about jannah in the hereafter.. The little enjoyment in this world is a quick passing one and everyone is gonna die.... So sister dont too much bother your self with the worldly enjoyment, there is an eternal enjoyment waiting for you in paradise inshaAllah.. There, you gonna enjoy life to the fullest with you husband. . . The paradise of The lowest person leaving in the lowest rank in jannah would be equivalent to ten times as big as this world and every pleasures thats in it actually .... So sister dont too much bother your self with the deception (enjoyment) of this world... Whenever you get anything you wish, thank Allah for it. And Whenever you are deprived from somethings you wished to have, just try to let it go and forget about it... You could also try to strive for it, but if after all effort you couldnt achieve it, then just let it go.

  8. thx everybody for ur honest comments...Alhamdulillah i have never given up on persevering n praying God for more patience n strength ...even on my darkest days n most depressing periods of my marriage especially after i had my baby inshallah i'll do it as long as i can n that i'm mentally stable as i never want to end my marriage after only 3ys..

    just so that everybody knows that i have never been n i will never be the type of wife to sit around n do nothing...n that the husband can get away with whatever he does or ...NO ...that's why we always end up fighting koz i stand up for myself n say this is not fair or that is not right, i alwys say wht i think n express my opinion n feelings frankly koz that's the way to resolve any problems in the relationship....but wht happens next is that he hates the things he is hearing about me being unhappy ,miserable n depressed and then i'm called disrespectful n disobediant n stubborn n a bad wife who doesn't appreciate nothing n who is not grateful to Allah for giving me a husband n a baby ...that i have a roof over my head ...that loads of ppl would give their right arms for what i have n ...the list is i get soooooo angry n upset that he doesn't understand me,my feelings,my wishes,my loneliness...i get frustrated ... i shout...leave the room ...don't talk to him for days...don't pick up the phone when he rings from work....but it is only a natural reaction n a consequence of all the crap he keeps saying to me n the prison he is locking me in no?

    i'm sure ppl from pakistan will identify with this sort of lifestyle.....and especially if they are PATHAN...these ppl live in a very restricted closed community n yes u are right ...all the women in his family n the same thing....they can't go out,can't work or drive , can't go outside with husbands shopping or eat out ,all wear nikab,have to cook,clean n look after husband n kids...n should never complain n can never go back to parents' house koz once they leave on the wedding day...they're given the mushaf( the kuran n a white piece of cloth...meaning a wife should never go back to parents' unless dead ) so all their women should endure whatever ...n stay the way my hubby has lived all his life in the UK since he was 2 ys old till few ys ago n he's 37 now...all his family sisters n parents n brothers were born in the UK as well...which shows that neither he nor they will ever change their way of life or way of thinking...if a woman does what she seen outside or drives,works ....whateva .... n disobeys the husband's seen as a bad thing n the man becomes a joke n ppl talk about him as a useless man who can't discipline the wife..which brings shame to the family....again i can go on n on about all the craziness i have to live with....

    as i said before he is a very good husband n father to my baby n his other kids.never raised his hand or been violent to me....he's very fair with time n everything else bwt me n the 1st wife...i mean when it comes to his responsibilities n the type of husband n father he is...i just can't fault him...n believe it or not when extremely depressed being pregnant n after delivery of the baby i prayed n wished he does sthg horrible to give me a reason to leave...just the easy way out of this mess.... koz i couldn't handle being locked up for long months when my belly was very big koz again a woman should not ever be seen out when pregnant...her place is at home for the last 5 months or believe me i would never EVER stay for 5 mins if he was violent or cruel leaving me for days or not providing for us....koz i know loads of men just easily do that n do get away with it.

    the only reason why i wouldn't tell mom was not my ego or me not admittimg i made a mistake choosing a foreigner to marry or's just that she is getting old,has health problems n has enough on her plate dealing with my brother's i would never want to lie to my mom but at the same time i would NEVER EVER want her to worry about me,have sleepless nights n cause her sadness n distress....i'm sure u know what i mean koz i love her to death.

    and to the brothers who said sthg about me listening to my hubby n think about the after life n jannah n all that....i never asked for sthg i shouldn't be islamically doing....alhamdulillah i know what's haram n halal....all i want is to have a life,to feel like a human being again,to be happy in my marriage,to be able to have fun with my husband n be able to do things outside so that i'm not alone n bored suffocating all the time home...what is killing me the most is that he was so fine with who i was before marriage n i have not changed at all...he liked the person i was ..but after marriage he decided to change everything about me n when i ask him why didn't he go for an Asian girl n left me carry on living my life since i'm not culturally marriage material...he would say i hoped u gonna understand n do anthg for me koz u love me.... i mean is that not selfish? wht about me? why could i not use the same excuse n say well if u love me u wouldn't try to tell me wht to do n change everything about me koz u knew me well before we got why this now?

    so everybody plz make sure u know what u getting urselves into when u choose a spouse koz not everything is gonna be pink flowers n butterflies all the time especially if u from extremely different cultures.

    • Subhanallah I'm going throw same thing as you but ur situation in worste then mine, my husband saw my comment what I wrote to u and he got angry I said " u r going back to Sweden n I will divorce u" to be honest I do not care I have been beating up by this man, I have also taking loads of crap n I have had enough, he was also born in uk n he treats me like rubbish his way of deafening himself is "obey and command" do u know what kills me the most is that I did everything for this man n that I was pure( meaning never been touched by a man) n now when I'm pregnant now is the perfect time to divorce me when I wanted long time ago after 3 weeks in the beginning of our marriage he hit me that day I knew that this is the beginning, I would do anything to have my old life back he doesn't wanna change n he always is telling me to change I seriously have had enough this man have ruin my life

  9. Aug.27,2012

    Dear Friend,

    Your are not alone on that kind of situation it is also happened to me right now..we have the same story.You know what I think right now and put in my mind maybe until forever,that I am a house maid of my husband not a wife.

    • That is so bad, u don't deserve this , im housemaid to everyone but now when im pregnant i cant do anywork his family is stressing me out, they never ask me if i have been eating something thry complain that i feel sick n make sickness noices, i swear by allah his family his giving me a hard time as hell they love pointing fingers even when they r wrong they embrace my husbands ex wife that they have a child with, ya Allah!!! Just don't understand why I have to go throw this subhanallah n is Allah testing me? Punish me? Is angry with me?? I just don't know :,( but he have sisters, maybe Allah will show them how they just to treat me but in their in laws when they get married

  10. I read this post n now I don't know which is better I and m kid are kicked out from Pathan man who said he came from a culture that no one will understand. So being single mum or being family with Pathan. Which choice is better but anyway he is already out of my life. I have my son with me n we enjoy days and nights together alhumdullilah.

  11. Lela i agree you, that is what they say "What's goes around come around" but exercise more patient.
    Allah shall reward you as a good wife.

  12. subhanAllah.

    Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.

    Some of the things I read here are very disturbing. subhanAllah.

    may Allah make it easy for all of us.

    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  13. Hello Dear,

    I am not going to deny that your story shocked me like no other story! it shocked me how ignorant people can be, it shocked me the image and idea people have about God and religion, regardless which religion.
    How does a woman who is educated, had her own independency and dignity would agree to be treated with anything less than respect and appreciation?! i am sorry for what i am about to say but your husband is sick, he is not religious, even if he was an atheist he would have the same rules! he married a woman from another culture and just as he expect you to adapt to his culture he should adapt as well, its called compromise, ever heard of it!
    prevent you from leaving the house! covered completely in black, walk behind him, not there for you when you had depression after giving birth -which am sure giving birth was not the reason for it but the jail you are locked in-, not allowed to have children from you and god only knows what more you did not share with us.
    God is love, god is mercy, god is forgiveness, god is happiness.
    anything that contradicts that is anything but god.
    You are a human, with soul, with mind, with heart, with ideas, with creativity and with one life to live. don't you wanna discover the world that god created for us with so much beauty? don't you wanna be happy and grow as a human in this short journey you have here on planet earth?
    call your parents inform them of the situation, pack your bags and take your daughter and go back to your parents. this is a sick man, he need therapy, he can't feel his masculinity without insulting a woman and degrading her, thats how much of a man he is! do masters in women rights -you seem to lack a region in your brain called dignity and human rights- the way he treats you is not a violation to women rights, the way he treats you is a violation to human rights since you are a human i suppose! start a strong career after your masters degree, get a car, then get an apartment, travel and live. step by step you will rise again, and raise you daughter to know what dignity is, what human rights are, and give her a much healthier life than a sick father and a depressed mother. you are the only leader of your life, unless you enjoy being humiliated, imprisoned and treated as slave -which some women do- then you must walk away from this life and build a more colorful one as God would want for all his creation.
    all the best

  14. You should file for divorce immediately, if not happened yet. Those men are not Muslim, they are patriarchic. They mix tradition with religion or just pick from Islam what benefits them. They will never change their attitude, instead their behavior will get worse over time. They don't care about womens feelings, they don't want fairness, they want everything their own way. He wants to dominate and you have to obey, your needs, dreams, wishes and opinions are not relevant for the likes of him. They're blinded by their male ego. Their upbringing at home was often a dysfunctional family, and they were victims of violence too, and didn't experience what love, understanding, mercy and zest for life means. These kind of arab men are no marriage material. They take and take and take, and don't have something to give. That he tried to "change" you says also a lot about the respect he has for you. I hope you will find someday a husband who will love you for who you are, and doesn't want to change you into a mindless puppet.

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